Tag Archives: friendship

Walk with a friend

Yesterday after work I went for a walk with a buddy. It was damp and a little cold out, but I overdressed and was comfortably warm with a couple layers open/unzipped. I’ve always been someone more comfortable warm than cold, and believe that there is no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing for the weather.

One of the topics we discussed was that while on the outside everyone is coping and doing the best they can, the long game of dealing with Covid-19, which probably isn’t even half over, and the social effects of dealing with a pandemic are wearing people down. Pretending we are ok isn’t enough, when so many of us are struggling for such a long time.

I spoke to a firefighter recently and asked him what keeps him most busy at work right now. He said 3 things: Car accidents, overdoses, and suicides. Overdoses and suicides have gotten a lot worse since the pandemic started.

And we aren’t close to things getting better. Yesterday there were almost a half million (recorded) new cases of Covid.

I believe this was the worst one-day increase we’ve ever seen!

This is a depressing statistic that flies in the face of people who downplay the seriousness of the pandemic we are facing.

So things are not getting better, and people are struggling. What can we do?

First, take Vitamin D.

Next, check in with friends or family that might be really struggling. I saw this Facebook post from a friend today,

“Phone is always on, and coffee can easily be brewed. I’m doing a brother/sister check in. Especially this time of year. Showing support for one another…”

And one more thing I strongly suggest is getting outside with a friend. My walk yesterday was rejuvenating. My buddy and I talked openly and honestly about how we are doing, what we are struggling with, and what we just needed to vent about. But it didn’t feel like a rant. It was an opportunity to be honest about how we really feel right now. It was better than a phone call, although a phone call or video call can be good too. Meeting and doing something active was wonderful.

When I wrote “It’s just this” a few days ago I said,

We might have made these adjustments fairly quickly on the outside, but ‘this’ is still not normal, and so it’s draining, and requires more effort than usual. ‘This’ will take a bit more time to fully adjust to… We will get used to ‘this’ eventually, and when we do, we will find ways to thrive.

If we want to find ways to thrive, we need to first take care of ourselves. Go do something active with family or friends (within your bubble). Find reasons to be outside. Walk and talk. Connect with someone who you can be honest with about how you are really doing. Lean on those who can support you and let others lean on you if they need the same.

Digital bubble

Just a quick reminder that while our social circles are very small right now, we can still connect with others online. Make that phone call a video call. Make that video call a 3-way or 4-way conversation.

We need to be thoughtful about how many people we meet face to face with, but that doesn’t limit us from connecting with family and friends online.

Who haven’t you seen in a while that you miss? Well, you can still see them on a screen. You don’t have to tidy the house or add an extra cleaning to the bathroom, just pick up your laptop or phone and make a call. (Ok, maybe comb your hair first 😜.)

We live in an incredibly connected world and we can make distance and time zones disappear with the click of a few buttons. So, who are you missing right now? It’s time to open up your digital bubble!

Vulnerability can be a double edged sword.

This morning I did my second outdoor run (read light jog) since breaking kneecap at the end of February. I’m staying at my sister’s place down at the beeches near Queen Street, and jogged the board walk. It was early and fairly empty. Weird feeling to watch a man, a good 15+ years my senior, jog past me at a pace slower than I usually run. But I’ve been rehabilitating this knee for too long to do something stupid to acquiesce my ego.

After the jog I stopped at a bench to do my knee exercises with some other workout exercises in between and the walked up the hill home. At that point I decided to do my Calm App meditation while walking. At the end of each meditation Tamara Levitt always does a little lesson and today’s was about Vulnerability.

I enjoy these lessons and appreciate the insights Tamara shares, but today I struggled with the lesson. The main example Tamara gave was when someone at work asks how you are doing, and not giving the typical, ‘fine’, ‘ok’, or ‘busy’ response. Instead pause, and be willing to be vulnerable and share how you really feel.

While I appreciate how that could help someone who is struggling and feeling isolated, if this colleague is just an acquaintance, and not necessarily a true friend, it could make things worse.

We are all vulnerable in different ways, but to me vulnerability is not a good thing to share too openly. I’ve seen way too many bullying issues start because a student showed their vulnerability with the wrong kids, and grownups aren’t always much better.

It’s a double edged sword because if you hide your vulnerability and struggles from everyone, you are missing out on the love and support you could get in a time of need. However, if you are too open, the very vulnerability you are sharing could make you susceptible to being targeted, or the topic of gossip, and more in need of a real confident to share your vulnerabilities with!

Be vulnerable when you need to with those you trust and love… but beyond that, be thoughtful and careful.

Finding the good in people and in situations

I like to think of myself as an optimistic person. In my job I deal with a lot of students, teachers, parents, and principals. I start these interactions with a simple premise: ‘these are good people, look for the good in them’. When someone is upset, they don’t tend to express that upset well. That’s not a measure of their character, it’s usually circumstantial.

Yes, there are some angry people in the world, but most people are good. Some are more selfish (both knowingly and unknowingly); some are more single minded about certain issues; some feel like there are injustices against them (and some of these are well justified, while others aren’t).

But coming back to people being inherently good, and my usual disposition towards others, I think that I’ve been in a bit of a rut for a while. I know where it comes from, I’ve thought about this a lot. I was stuck in a spot where I was running three schools and always felt like I was letting two of the down, if not all three. I was exhausted. Two years in, I felt like I didn’t want to continue. Then in February I was given a few different responsibilities and one school was taken away from me. It was a sigh of relief. I thought, not only can I do this, but I want to do this (again). Then the pandemic hit and my responsibilities escalated again!

Last week was a bit of a crescendo. On top of my own duties I had to spend a good eight hours on something that fell on my lap. I found myself complaining in front of a teacher and stopped myself. I called a good friend and ranted. Then I asked someone to get me some work to do before Friday when I had support. That work arrived Saturday. It’s done now, and I’ve put in proper supports going forward. But that same good friend checked in on me and I ranted again.Admittedly, ranting to someone in confidence did make me feel better. But it also made me think, why is that now a thing I need to do?

The ‘thing that fell on my lap’, well if I look at it from the outside, my lap made the most sense, and part of the time I had offered up. The ‘work to get to me before Friday’, well the person who asked for it on Saturday is doing his best in a new environment.

These things always happen. The difference that has me upset isn’t about them, it’s about me… and I have the power to change that! Maybe that’s the only thing I can change. I can manifest anger and upset, or I can recognize that people all around me are doing the best they can with the skills they have. I need to reflect on who else I can empower to do some of the things I do. I need to contemplate what I can and should say ‘no’ to. I need to find ways to frame things so that I don’t need to vent as often as I have recently.

It’s not what happens, it’s what you do that makes a difference.

What will it look like?

A few days ago I wrote a post This is not the ‘new normal’, and I said,

“This is not the ‘New Normal’, this is a pandemic that will come to an end. This is temporary.”

This morning I ‘met’ Dave Sands on Zoom and we recorded a podcast. We spent about an hour online together and it was great to ‘see’ him. The fact that this was not face-to-face didn’t matter that much. In fact, I’ve ‘seen’ Dave much more in the last few weeks than I have in months. The reason for this is that we’ve connected almost daily on Microsoft Teams for work, since the March break ended 3 weeks ago. But I would have loved to have Dave over to do the recording. To sit and have coffee and enjoy his company along with the conversation.

This afternoon my wife and I joined another couple in their back yard. We sat apart, respecting ‘social distancing’ norms. We brought our own cups and drinks, and left after only touching the chairs we sat on. No handshakes, no hugs, no communal snacks or drinks. This was our first social gathering like this in about 2 months. It was wonderful to connect.

This is not the new normal, but I wonder what the new normal will look like? Will we be less likely to greet people with hugs and handshakes? Yesterday I saw a girl and her dad at a crosswalk. The young girl looked like she was about 4 years old. She got off her bike and ran to press the crosswalk button… with her elbow. Will we ever look at things like elevator buttons, public handrails, and door handles the same way?

Part of me thinks that things will eventually return to a normal that resembled what it looked like in 2019, but part of me wonders about social norms and practices, and how these will change? Will we bow to greet someone rather than shake their hands, hug, or fist bump? Will restaurant workers preparing our food all wear masks? Will we carry hand sanitizer everywhere we go and use it constantly?

We are months and months away from any kind of normal, but when that normal arrives, how many norms and social practices will have changed as a result of Covid-19 pandemic.

How important is it?

How important is your health to you right now? It becomes more important when you feel an ailment.

How important is money to you right now? It becomes more important if you are struggling financially?

How important are your friends to you right now? They become more important when you are in need of one.

There are so many things that we don’t readily recognize as important until there is a deficit pointing out our concern. Food, shelter, affection, love… all things we value/desire/need, and all are taken for granted except for when we notice their absence.

It’s good to be thankful when we have these things. To recognize what’s important to us when we are fortunate. To remind ourselves that we are lucky, appreciating what we have rather than only paying attention when there is a shortage.

How important is it to appreciate the positive people and circumstances that surround you, when things are going in your favour?

And how important is it to be charitable to those who are less fortunate?

Going the extra inch

I think this idea came from Terry O’Reilly’s book, ‘This I know’, but I listened to it a couple years ago and am not 100% sure? The idea is to go the extra inch, rather than the extra mile.

The easiest place to see this in customer service. The cashier who takes a little extra care in bagging your items. The waiter who tops up your water glass before you need to ask. The hot dog vendor who asks if you’d like your bun toasted. The hotel front desk clerk who asks if you’d like a city map with local restaurants, or who remembers your name the next time you see them.

So many people talk about going the extra mile, but really it’s just an extra inch that can make the difference, (or for that matter the extra centimetre). It doesn’t often take much work or effort to make someone’s day, to provide better than average service, or to simply be accommodating to someone you love and care about.

A kind gesture, a simple change in tone, a thoughtful question, a smile. It’s not about going terribly far out of your own way, it’s simply going the extra inch.

What I find interesting is that it’s often easier to do this with strangers rather than those you are around daily. We seem to take advantage of our relationships and not make the extra inch of effort with people we spend time with every day. Instead, we are quicker to snap a response, or to be snide, or just impatient. We feel like the extra inch is actually an extra mile.

It’s not. In this way, life is a game of inches, and it’s much more fun when we are able to see this and just go that extra inch for those that can do the same for us more frequently, because we are around them more often.

Breakfast with a friend

“Come gather around people, wherever you roam
And admit that the waters around you have grown
And accept it that soon you’ll be drenched to the bone
If your time to you is worth savin’
Then you better start swimmin’ or you’ll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin’ ~ Bob Dylan

We sat at a booth chatting, breakfast done, bill paid. We had already turned down more coffee and the waitress was kind enough to fill our water glasses. The restaurant wasn’t full, we weren’t filling a potentially needed booth, and so the waitress didn’t mind that we were still there over 30 minutes after our meal was done.

We were reminiscing about our childhood, and how people would come for a visit and stay for dinner. In my family there were 4 kids so we made a family of 6, but my mother never cooked for less than 10. Someone’s friend (or 2), an aunt, granny, a cousin, even a neighbour might be joining us. If it was just the 6 of us, we had leftovers.

This doesn’t happen much anymore. Having friends over means a half-day of getting the house ready, and a half day of preparing food. Meeting for coffee? How’s next week Thursday? Breakfast? Pick one of these two Sundays. Dinner with a group of friends? We better use that appointment App to find a day that works for all of us.

Or maybe we just chat on the phone. Maybe we text. Comment on Facebook. Like a friend’s tweet… smiley face emoji:)

Gatherings used to be impromptu, spontaneous, and they extended past expected times. “See you soon,” not “See you later,” as in weeks or months later.

Things have changed.

I’m going to try to bring the old ways back a bit. I’m tracking my social connections this year. A dinner and a breakfast last week, a morning coffee and a minor league hockey game this weekend… A walk with my wife, dinner out with my daughter… I’m going to see if intentionally keeping track will inspire me to connect face-to-face more frequently with the people that are geographically available. That doesn’t diminish the opportunities to connect with people who I can’t always see. For those, we have spaces like this.

The Eternal Pot

In Barbados there is a meal called Pepper Pot, also known as The Eternal Pot or The Poor Man’s Pot. It’s a dark broth with oxtail as the primary ingredient, and it is delicious! Many a day I would sit dipping soft bread into a bowl, soaking up every drop and finishing up with only the oxtail bones in the wiped-clean bowl.

Pepper Pot would be made in a massive pot that would sit for days on the the stove. It was known as the eternal pot because it stayed fresh as long as you brought it to a boil once a day. No need for refrigeration. For this reason it was also the poor man’s pot because it could sit in the stove continually being added to, as a poor family put what they had available in it. A lean broth for many days, and then meat added on payday.

For us, the first day it was cooked, pepper pot was for dinner. After that it would be an always available snack, a Saturday brunch, a late-night binge. It was a magical pot that seemed to last forever…

This reminds me of good friendships. Eternal in its ability to always be there. We gather with friends for a meal, connect for a while, things fade, but you know you can always spice things up when you have the energy to do so. Then you lose touch, but that’s ok, things will be back to full strength the next time you connect. It’s not a perfect metaphor, but it works on certain levels.

I’ve gathered with a few good friends this break, shorter and longer visits, a few meals, all rich experiences… I’ve added stock and meat to the eternal pot, helping the friendships grow. We just need to remember to heat things up once in a while… to keep things fresh.

Remember to stop and break bread with your eternal friends.

Connections over time

Last night we connected with friends we haven’t seen in over a decade. The conversation immediately evaporated the years between visits. Our daughters were essentially meeting for the first time with only a vague memory of having ever met before. It didn’t matter, the conversation was rich, and enjoyable. How is it that 10 years can melt away so quickly?

I’ve had similar experiences with friends whom I’ve only connected with online. Then we ‘meet’ and it feels like we are reconnecting, rather than connecting for the first time face-to-face. And after that first meeting, the online connection gets even stronger. The relationships we develop with people seem to create a lasting impression that time does not interfere with.

Friendship is the glue that holds people together across time and space. A bond that holds people together with the effort to connect when geography permits, and that geography is getting less and less restrictive… As we left the restaurant, our friend said in all seriousness, “Australia is just 15 hours away.” I think that distance might be travelled before another decade slips by.

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I just went back and read ‘A letter to friends‘ that I wrote just over a decade ago as we headed to China, shortly after my last visit with the friends above. Seems I was thinking along the same lines, even back then.