Tag Archives: family

Remembrance Day

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I shared this in 2019. This and my “Two Wolves” post that I first shared 18 years ago today say more about this day than anything I can pretend to write now. I hope you get as much out of reading the following post and my Two Wolves post as I got out of writing them.

~ With gratitude for all those who sacrificed so that I didn’t have to.

In Remembrance 2019

Both of my grandfathers are Jewish and they escaped Europe before World War II. One left Poland with his parents, siblings, and his uncle’s family. The rest of the family stayed because they were in the sweater business and didn’t know what they would do in a warm destination in the Caribbean? For some of them, wiped out in the 2nd German invasion of Poland, the answer would have been ‘lived’.

My other grandfather was in the Ukrainian show cavalry, much like the Canadian Royal Mounted Police Musical Riders, but he was too short and would stand on his stirrups during inspections. One day a guest inspector had them dismount and he did not pass the inspection, so he was going to be sent to the regular army. He bribed a doctor to say he had a medical condition and escaped to Italy, then in an adventure that I’ll share another time, he found his way to British Guyana, where my father was born, then to Barbados where my parents met.

We moved to Toronto when I was 9. As a young teenager, I still knew very little of the war, but my grandparents knew people less lucky than they were, who did not escape Europe. I remember that we were at a party once and many of my grandparents friends were there, including some that still had their tattoos from concentration camps. We were in an apartment party room, with about 50 to 60 people and as was usually the case we had more food than we could possibly eat. When my family cooked for a gathering, at the end of the night it was rare for us to not be dividing up as much food left behind as was eaten! We had an abundance of food that night and so it was shocking for me to hear the following story the next day.

The party was in full swing and it was time for everyone to forgo the snack table and start eating dinner. My aunt was behind one of my grandparent’s friends, who was a holocaust survivor from one of the concentration camps. In front of him was another person in line. The person in front of him added some chicken wings from a platter of wings that was still almost full, and as this person looked for more food he held his plate slightly behind him. My aunt watched the holocaust survivor take some wings off of the person in front’s plate and place them onto his plate in one quick motion. It happened so quickly she had to think about what she actually saw. Then she also saw the almost full platter of wings still on the table, available for all to have.

It was still upsetting for my aunt, even as she retold this story the next day. I still remember the story over 35 years later. What did this holocaust survivor endure that, even in a time of overabundance, he had this urge to steal food from another’s plate? What was he re-living? What other ways did his past haunt him?

When I watch videos of veterans today, and hear stories of those who fought in wars, many say they wake up every day thinking of the friends they lost. When I went to the War Museum in Dieppe, France,  I heard video accounts of a massacre, that bore valuable lessons for the Western Allies before their D-Day attack. And when I visited the Holocaust Museum in Jerusalem, Israel, I truly began to understand the horror of man’s inhumanity against man. I wrote a post that reflected on this visit titled ‘Two Wolves‘ that I still re-read and share every Remembrance Day. From that post, I will leave you this quote, followed by the poem ‘In Flanders Fields’ by Canadian World War I doctor, John McCrae:

“There are parts of History we should not forget. After all, World War One was the ‘war to end all wars’… And so I am writing this on Remembrance Day for a reason. Whether it be concentration camps and the Holocaust or Hiroshima and Nagasaki or genocide in Russia, Rwanda, or East Timor… or any tragic historical event worth remembering… we choose to remember so that we do not repeat our mistakes. We must want and hope that things can be better. We must see lessons learned, not resentment and mistrust. The past will repeat itself if we do not see ‘joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith’… faith that tomorrow can be better than today.”

Take time to remember those that served, those that suffered, and those that were lost, so that we can have the freedom and liberties we have today.

—–

In Flanders fields

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.
~ John McCrae, May 3rd, 1915

In Flanders Fields

Thank you to Roy Henry Vickers for sharing his Poppy design, used as the feature image for this post. 

30 by 30

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It’s Day 1 of the Capra 30 X 30. A minimum of 30 minutes of physical activity, walking/running/hiking for all 30 days of November… And I’ve already messed up my stats. I used Strava to track my walk, but I did that walk on the ferry from Vancouver to Victoria and instead of 33 minutes working out to be about 3km in distance the GPS had me clocked at 20.75km (tracking the ferry’s path).

Oops.

I’m probably going to have to delete the Strava data and resubmit the info manually on the Capra website, with a more realistic estimate of the distance I actually walked.

That said, I really enjoy this challenge. Over this next month most of my walks will be with my wife. An intentional 30 minimum minutes of time walking and chatting together. Usually after dinner. Through rain, wind, and maybe even snow, we will venture outside for our walk in what’s usually one of the bleakest months here on the North West Coast. A reminder that despite the rain, we can still get outside. Despite the challenges of the day, we can do something active together.

Day one needed to be separate so that I could visit my daughter and see my nephew do a presentation, but for most of this month my wife and I will take advantage of this challenge to share some active, outdoor time together.

I’m going home

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I’ve been away 43 of the last 51 days. First I was in Tofino, then I did the West Coast Trail before heading back home… and then I took off to Ontario. In the last 22 days in Ontario I’ve moved 10 times and travelled 2,000km in a rental car.

I am thrilled about all my travel, and I can’t wait to get home. I can’t think of anything I would want to take away from my trip and simultaneously feel like I’ve been gone too long. Does that make sense?

I think I feel this way because it’s the longest I’ve travelled without my wife and kids. Meanwhile, I’ve had so many adventures with other people I love to spend time with.

All this to say that the trips I’ve taken have been wonderful, but I really want to go home.

On the move

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I spent 3 nights in Tofino, a night on the West Coast Trail trailhead, 7 nights on different beaches on the trail, 8 nights at home, and now 2 weeks in Ontario, spending a maximum of 4 nights in any one place. In the coming 9 days I’m going to be visiting 6 cities and sleeping in 5 of them. Then I finally head home.

My sleep schedule is messed up, I’m not getting enough exercise, and I’m not eating regularly. That said, I still feel like things are going well. My mom and I had a wonderful visit with my uncle, his daughter and her husband for dinner today, I had a great conversations with both daughters and my wife back home, and I’m ready to spend 3 hours travelling to my next destination tomorrow.

It’s weird how I can feel a bit home sick, and also enjoy what I’m doing, while feeling like I’m constantly on the move. Am I going to enjoy my upcoming schedule? Absolutely. Am going to be excited to be back home when this is all done? Absolutely.

I was at a buddy’s house and he had a motivational quote on his wall, “Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.”

I feel like although my schedule is a bit haywire, I’m on the move and somehow keeping balance.

Shared Experiences

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This was my first Thanksgiving that I spent away from my immediate family that I can remember. It’s not like Thanksgiving is a special holiday for us, but I’ve been away from my family for 22 of the last 30 days and so not being there for a family event was something I definitely noticed.

Meanwhile, for the past couple weeks I’ve had some amazing opportunities to connect with my mom, uncle, and family and friends I don’t normally see. It has been an absolute treat to spend time with them. So, it’s not like I’m missing out, I am just not used to being away from my wife and kids for so long.

What I’m noticing is how much I value shared experiences with people I care about. Time with family and friends is precious. The quality of our experiences are made richer by who we share our time with. This seems like something overly obvious to say, but I think it’s worth noting ‘out loud’… who we spend our time with really matters.

WCT 3 – The trip inside the trip

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Part three in my West Coast Trail (WCT) dairy. So far I’ve shared: WCT 1 – The Sun Gods Smiled On Us, and WCT 2 – Fellow Hikers. Now I’m going to share a magical trip we did inside of our WCT trip. I mentioned that it was always our intent to spend one full day on the beach, a ‘rest’ day on the trail, but our timing wasn’t working until we decided to add one more day to the trip. From WCT -1:

Long Beach Wisdom

We arrived at Tsusiat falls on the 5th day, typical for people starting on the south end like us, and planning to spend just one more night on the trail. That’s when we remembered the wise words Kristen shared with us on Long Beach, near Tofino, just a few days before:

“I’ll give you my Retirement speech: Retirement allows you to be in the moment for as long as the moment lasts.”

We are both retired. We don’t have work to get back to. We can stay an extra day.

Creating The Time and Space

While the Tsusiat falls are beautiful, it’s a very busy campsite, and that’s not what we wanted for our day off.

That’s when a fellow hiker gave us some advice, instead of the 13km hike to the next suggested campsite, go an easy 8km to the Tsocowis campsite, which also has a waterfall, and is not very popular because it’s going too far for people starting in the north, and makes the last day too long for people going north like us.

To understand how special this day was, it is best framed by the start of the day, receiving gifts, watching whales, and connecting with amazing people. Re-read the Serendipity and Generosity section of WCT 1 to understand that before our ‘trip inside of a trip’ even started it was a special day.

What we planned for this day was a magic mushroom trip.

I had purchased, (legally from a Vancouver dispensary), a mushroom called Poseidon’s Finger, ‘a high-potency hybrid Psilocybin cubensis mushroom strain created by crossing Tidal Wave and Albino Penis Envy’. Users report, ‘intense visual distortions, warped perception, deep emotional introspection, and waves of euphoria.‘ I’m going to use these descriptions as heading for my experiences, but put them in the order of my experiences, although there were many overlapping moments.

But first: Our goal was to set up everything for the evening (our tent, food prep, purifying water, gathering firewood, etc), and make it so that we had an entire day free of any responsibility. We had successfully moved from a crowded beach to one that only had 4 of us on it, and we knew the other two campers, although on this day we did nothing more with them other than share an occasional greeting wave.

Our set-up was perfect, our setting was perfect, we just had to think about our dose now. I had only ever micro-dosed with Poseidon’s Finger before, so I wasn’t sure how strong they would be. I took a full package of 3.5 grams, which is a dose I’d taken of another mushroom, but as I discovered, Poseidon’s Finger was much more potent than anything I’d tried before. My buddy took a little less than me, but still quite a high dose.

Four hours later we made a joke that might not be funny now, but for us at the time it was gut-busting hilarious. My buddy said something like, “We took Poseidon’s finger right up to the elbow.” To which I responded, “Up to the elbow and it tickled our tonsils.” This was a four-plus hour trip and, throughout it, just when you thought you were coming down a new wave of euphoria or heightened visuals would hit you and remind you that Poseidon still had a grip on you. While I made jokes like, “OK, that’s enough, let me off this planet.” I never actually felt uncomfortable or scared. There were times when I felt things were out of my control, however I always felt safe… but I’m getting ahead of myself.

As I said, the day was already magical, we set up everything to make our environment as simple as possible, and the setting was a stunning beach with a waterfall nearby. All the conditions were perfect. We had a late lunch with the mushrooms because dried mushrooms on their own can be a bit hard on your stomach. Then we hung around our tent for a while.

 Warped Perception: Every time estimation from here on in is approximate, part of the warped perception we experienced was that the concept of time was inconceivable. Somewhere around 30-45 minutes after taking the mushrooms, I suggested walking over to the falls. We had already done this 3 minute walk to collect water earlier, but walking to the waterfall on mushrooms felt like a journey somewhere between 10 minutes and 3 days. Yes, that’s an exaggeration but my first instinct was to say ‘forever’… I felt like no matter how far I walked, the waterfall seemed continually far away.

At the waterfall there was a very large log lying on it’s side and it had about 25 feet of a flat groove that my buddy and I laid down on, about 6 feet apart, (he was about 6 feet below my feet, on the same flat section).

Waves of euphoria

The amount of laughing we did to start the journey was almost too much. I had tears pouring out of my eyes as pure joy overwhelmed me. I felt elated about being retired. I felt honoured to be doing this journey with my buddy. I thought of how lucky I am to have the incredible family that I do. I was delighted with the stunning surroundings. And I felt the gift of being alive! We laughed on and on for a very long time. I think we were at the waterfall for roughly 1.5 to 2 hours and during that time about 50-70% of the time we were laughing and joyous.

Intense visual distortions

The waterfall was absolutely stunning. On it’s own it was beautiful, but add the intense visuals of the mushrooms and it was out of this world. The rocks around the upper part of the falls were getting pixilated for lack of a better word. The brown tones shifted and danced. For a while I saw, on the right side of the falls, a face with the waterfall coming out of it’s mouth. But again, this wasn’t a stationary face, it was animated and the shifting tones gave it expression.

My buddy was having a completely different experience. He was seeing hexagons and geometric shapes, and when he shut his eyes very tight and re-opened them he felt like he changed channels and was watching a completely different version of the landscape. He told me to try too, but I couldn’t get myself to squeeze my eyes tight. When I tried, it felt like I was going to temporarily blink myself out of existence. This should probably be scary, it wasn’t… but it did feel like too much to try.

I should preface this with the fact that I’ve tried a heroes dose of a similar drug with a guide, and I’ve never been able to have an out of body experience. I don’t know if it’s a stubborn ego or what’s blocking me, but I can’t seem to do it. I tried a couple times on this trip. We were chatting and I could see the world distorting, and I’d say to my buddy, “I’m blinking out right now, if I don’t respond, don’t worry, I’m just not going to be here for a bit.” Then I’d let go, but somehow my body wouldn’t. During this time I said a number of times, “The world is unzipping!” – This felt like a very real experience, like reality was going to be unfastened and stripped away… but not like watching a zipper open up, rather being the zipper between this world and another. Disorienting and a bit uncomfortable but again, not scary.

One thing was very unsettling for me, and that was the horizon. We were on a beach with about 160º view of the open ocean. Turning around to face the ocean was destabilizing. The horizon didn’t seem real. The clouds seemed way too close, and too geometric to be real. I felt like I was looking at a hologram from the wrong angle and seeing a part of the matrix that I wasn’t supposed to be seeing. At one point I stood up to pee, but that statement sounds too sudden to be truly descriptive of the experience. First of all it felt like it took me 20 minutes just to talk myself into doing this monumental task, then another 10 to actually do it. Shifting from lying down to standing was almost too much to handle visually. I was relieved to lie back down.

Deep emotional introspection (Part 1 – The Tree)

At one point I looked over towards the near end of the beach and fixated on a single tree at the headland of the beach cove we were in.

I had a moment of time distortion and imagined a thousand years going by, and thought of the tree dying and falling into the ocean and the ocean eventually eroding away the land it sat on. I was overwhelmed by the beauty and thought of how sad it would be that no one in this distant future would be able to witness this beautiful scene that I was seeing right now.

Then I went really deep.

It occurred to me that this beautiful scene is only beautiful because a conscious mind looked at it. All over the universe there are profoundly beautiful things to see that nobody sees and thus there is no beauty in them at all. Without ego about my personal consciousness I realized that consciousness IS the purpose of the universe. There is no meaning, no appreciation of the sound of the waves, no sense of the warmth of the sun on my face, no beauty at all without consciousness. WE bring purpose and meaning to the universe. Thinking of this made most of my daily, trivial concerns seem comically insignificant, and I had a new appreciation for the beauty of the natural world.

Deep emotional introspection (Part 2 – The Post)

The clouds got more frequent, and combined with the proximity to the falls it started to get very cold. I was probably quite annoying with my complaints, the chill made me feel like life was leaving my body. Then after too long a wait, and much complaining, we finally went back to our campsite and crawled into our sleeping bags. I stayed like a wrapped mummy for a while but staring at the tent was boring so I leaned my upper body out of the tent to see the beautiful landscape. I could see the same headland tree, but from a different angle. I also had an upright post right in front of me.

The post morphed into a kind of totem. It didn’t change shape but I could see how an indigenous artist could find faces and shapes in the wood. Except for me none of the shapes were static. It wasn’t like Michelangelo seeing an angel in the marble and carving to set it free, but rather like a series of dancing shapes bringing the post alive.

Then I focused past the post and thought of the tree, time, and the importance of consciousness in the universe again. Except the post was there in front of me transcending my time warp. The post suddenly took on a feminine presence, like a symbol of Mother Earth. Then femininity. Then my wife. I thought of her standing up against all the challenges she ever faced, I saw her beauty and strength. I saw the gift she gave us of two beautiful and amazing daughters. All this love and joy overwhelmed me. I didn’t realize just how wonderful I felt until I felt blissful tears running down my face.

Integrating and Decompressing

Shortly after this I turned my phone on, we didn’t have reception, but I tried to make a video describing my introspection. The words wouldn’t come to me, they didn’t match the feeling.

I think I laid there, half in and half out of my tent for another 30 minutes to an hour. Fortunately, my friend willed himself to get up faster than me. He adjusted all the tie-downs on our tent, since rain was forecasted, then he started the fire. I literally was not capable of doing these things when he was.

He ate first then I boiled water and had my freeze dried dinner too. We sat by the fire until well after dark. We laughed a lot. And we sat in awe and appreciation of the environment we were in. The campsite we chose had an incredible fire pit that looked like a movie set.

We didn’t talk much. We were still high on life. The joy and laughter we had experienced throughout the day still resonated in us. It rained a little, but that didn’t dampen spirits. The fire was warm and our jackets were almost dry when we finally went to bed.

And to conclude a perfect day, it wasn’t until minutes after we were safely tucked in our sleeping bags that the rain began to downpour.

We couldn’t have asked for anything to have gone better.

A perfect trip. A perfect day.

I’ve got the time

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Yesterday evening my cousin texted me that his brother is in town. So today I changed my plans and am heading to visit them this afternoon. I know that seeing my visiting cousin will include beverages… and no way to drive home safely, so I’ve packed a bag and will plan to stay the night.

I also know that with my ‘Everest the Crunch’ event starting on Friday, I can’t have a late night like this later in the week. So I just changed my plans and made the visit tonight instead of on the coming days.

I love having the flexibility to make last minute decisions like this. I think that’s going to be one of the best parts of retirement. Sure I love my routines, and maintaining good habits, but I also enjoy letting loose on short notice. Knowing that I have the time to do this, not just in the summer but beyond, is a real gift I’m looking forward to!

Everest The Crunch in a week!

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Dave Sands and I will be Everesting the Crunch starting a week from today. Our training has tapered, and we just need to stay injury free. This morning after a shoulder workout at the gym, we hopped onto the Crunch to do just one, and we created this video inviting people to join us next week.

I mentioned ‘Do hard things’ briefly in the video, this is something that has been on my mind a lot recently as I head into retirement. I’m not just going to the gym, I’m trying to make gains. I’m not just trying to go up the crunch again, I’m trying to walk up it 37 times in less than 48 hours, which involves walking up hill the distance of 2 marathons. I’m not just continuing my daily blog, I’m planning to write a book starting in November.

Hard things.

I think we find more meaning out of life when we try to do hard things. That said, I’m not trying to do it alone. We need to also make connections and maintain meaningful relationships. It means so much that I’m doing this with Dave, and it means so much to us that our family and friends will be there to support us.

It’s not cold, it’s honest

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I have a strong childhood memory of my Grandfather – Papa B. – Leon Bernstein. I’ve previously shared how to me and many others he was a ‘giant’! He quietly helped hundreds of people, he was one of the kindest people I’ve ever known, and he was a people’s person… It didn’t matter if they were a gardener or a doctor, a grocery store clerk or a Prime Minister, Papa B. was someone who treated everyone with honour and respect, and everyone saw this in him.

One day a person in the community died and I was there when Granny B. told Papa about the person dying. My grandfather’s response surprised us both. Imagine a grey haired Polish Jew speaking with a West Indian accent saying, “Oh shite, bu(t) he was a real jack-ass!”

Granny retorted, “Leon, you can’t talk about a dead man like that, it’s rude.”

My grandfather responded, “What? If he was a jackass in life, you think he gonna be any different in death?”

At the time, this totally stunned me. I had always seen my grandfather as a person who only saw the good in people, I don’t think I ever heard him speak ill of anyone before this, it just wasn’t his nature. Now, older and maybe wiser, I understand this a little better.

When you spend your life seeking the good in people and doing good for them, you learn that not all people are the same way. You see the self-centred, the selfish, the assholes, and the jackasses, and you realize they don’t deserve the kindness you give others.

It’s not rude, it’s good calibration. I didn’t know the person who died, but if my grandfather called him a jackass, I’m glad I never met the man. The reality is that such a statement isn’t cold or rude, it’s just honest.

Some people carry with them anger, hate, selfishness, and/or a mean streak that creates more distress than calm, more hurt than joy. And quite frankly in death they deserve to be identified for the character they were in life.

No need to spend time harbouring their ill intent, just acknowledge that they are gone, and continue on as you were before you heard the news. There are so many good people in the world that deserve attention while they are still alive, spend time appreciating and respecting them. Leave the dead jackasses behind and move on.

Summer nights

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I’ve been staying at my cousin’s house, my sister is in town and we’ve had a couple wonderful days together. But more than the days, the evenings have been wonderful.

We’ve been hanging out in a beautiful back yard with comfy chairs and a fireplace. Shooting the breeze, laughing, and enjoying each other’s company.

When it’s warm, and still bright out until 10pm, summer nights hold a special kind of magic… and being with truly amazing people accentuates the experience.