I tried exercising before bed yesterday to help combat it. Found myself eating an hour later and still up well past midnight.
I don’t know what’s different right now? I can see the holidays ahead. I feel things are going as well as can be at home and work. I am feeling fit. I see positive news about a vaccine coming months sooner than I would have predicted. So what’s keeping me up?
I wouldn’t mind so much if it was creative time, but it isn’t. It’s unproductive time that I can’t concentrate on anything I would really want to do with more awake time. And it makes me feel more unproductive during the rest of the day, when I feel not tired, but slow.
Meditation is all but useless because I can’t stop my mind from racing long enough to actually meditate. I’m scattered and not doing more than putting myself through the (attempted mental) motions. My mind is too noisy to be still. Too restless to be useful. Too sleep deprived to be productive.
Reading this, I make it sound a lot worse than it is. I’m still functioning well enough that I can get things done. I feel like a six cylinder engine running on four cylinders… Still running, still capable of getting me where I need to go… just not at full capacity.
I think I’ll really try and stay away from my phone and laptop this weekend, other than listening to a novel. I think I need to stop distracting my distracted and sleep deprived mind with a screen. But even as I say this, I know it will be tough because I don’t enjoy it when my insomnia brain has nothing to be distracted by, but it can’t be productive.
Meanwhile, it’s still Friday and I need to focus on a good day at work ahead. I’ll exercise earlier than last night (couldn’t wake up early enough for my morning routine)… and hopefully early to sleep tonight.
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An interesting entry. Your description of your racing mind, or monkey mind as it is often known in meditation circles, is the very reason you should be meditating. You sound like you are treating meditation as a goal rather than a practise and if you can’t still your mind there is no point to it. Meditate with acceptance and as the mind races let the thoughts go, return to the breath even if it is only for a second before the mind starts to race again. To calm one’s racing mind one must first accept and embrace it before on can let it go.
Thanks Al,
I’ve been practicing meditation for 10 minutes daily since January 2019. It was about 7 or 8 months before I finally figured out and honestly practiced what you are talking about. Now I usually see every session as a success, even when the entire session is recognition that I’ve drifted and spent pulling myself back. It took me that long to realize that meditation isn’t about having a focused mind, but it is the act of refocusing, or rather letting go, without judgment that I have drifted (again).
However, during this insomnia bout I drift during meditation and I’ll go 3-4 minutes without pulling myself back. I’ll pull myself back saying to myself, ‘this is the practice’, but not actually accepting that and being frustrated with myself that I ‘wasted’ so much time. It’s like I cognitively know what the process is, but insomnia brain won’t let me celebrate the process with sincerity.
My goal starting in January 2021 is to continue with my daily practice (currently using the Calm app daily guided 10 minute meditation), but adding in another self guided meditation for at least 10 minutes, 4 more time’s a week. I want to give myself the time and space to practice where the entire time is meditation rather than having a closing lesson included. I think this will be good for me… but not right now. Fell asleep just after 11 on the couch last night and slept mostly uninterrupted until 5am, so I’m hoping that’s a sign that my insomnia is almost over. And I think writing this will help me with today’s meditation.
Thanks for commenting. I’d love to hear about your meditation practice.