Tag Archives: kids

Knowledge, wisdom, and sorrow

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I was watching a show on TV and one of the characters said, “With wisdom comes so much sorrow,” and this struck me as a familiar phrase… so I Googled it. What came up in the search was Ecclesiastes 1:18.

For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief.

This struck me as quite insightful, and made me think about the youth of today. They grow up watching musicians , stars, and influencers showing them a world that seems unattainable. They watch their parents watching and discussing the news which only shows conflict, tragedy, crime, and war. They are cautioned about strangers and parents monitor or are aware of where they are the entire day out of care and concern.

They are constantly knowledgeable of the dangers of the world, of the inequity, and of their stature compared to others including, and especially the famous people they could never be like. And yet, they lack the wisdom to put this all into perspective. So what’s left? Sorrow, emptiness, sadness, and grief.

Happiness is fleeting, it’s temporary, it’s even planned and slotted into blocks of play time and sports. Then some parents put so much pressure on performance at those sports events, or even music practices, that these are not even fun. However done well with supportive parents as well as good coaches and teachers, sports, dance, and music can bring joy. These activities can show the rewards of hard work and effort. They can provide a counterbalance to the exposure to other more negative aspects of a child’s life. Perhaps that’s also what video games do?

Schools can feed both of these perspectives. They can be places where students shine, or they cower. Students can feel restricted or they can feel they have opportunities to own their own learning. The same can be said for their homes.

I’m left wondering, are most kids over-exposed to information and knowledge that does not serve them well? Does this knowledge bring them happiness and joy or grief and sorrow? Do they lack the wisdom to put this knowledge into perspective? I think that can be as true for adults as it is for kids. Maybe that’s why there are so many self-help books.

We need to seek joy, and to share opportunities for others to find it… especially the youth of today who are bombarded with knowledge without the wisdom to put all that information into perspective.

Milestones

Today my youngest turns 21. It sounds so cliche to ask ‘Where does the time go?’ And yet it feels like a legitimate question.

One day you are bringing a bundle of joy home from the hospital… The next you are making sounds for them to repeat.

First steps, first time on a bicycle, first time without training wheels, first big fall from a bicycle.

First day of school, first day of middle school, high school, university.

Thousands of firsts, thousands of milestones, skipping past as fast as a skipping rock across a pond.

The firsts may come farther apart now, but they are to be cherished. Each ripple, a new moment, a new milestone, a new memory.

Culture and kids

I was visiting the Philippines back in 2010, my kids were 8 and 10. We went to the beach and immediately they wanted to build sand castles with me. I spent about 25-30 minutes playing then told them I was going to sit with their mom for a bit. I’d had enough. They wanted me to play longer.

Then a family with a mom, dad, and 3 or 4 year old kid came and sat near us. The kid had a shovel and her dad had a spoon, and they started playing in the sand. We stayed on the beach for well over an hour, probably closer to 2 hours and that dad was on his hands and knees or squatting next to his kid playing in the sand the entire time. I think they were speaking Tagalog so I didn’t understand the conversations they weee having, but this dad was engaged with his kid the entire time. During that time, I played with my kids in the sand for another 20-25 minutes.

I remember telling my wife that this guy was making me feel like a crappy dad. I was amazed how his little girl was the center of his attention for so long. It makes me wonder about how our culture and our upbringing influences the raising of our kids?

Visiting Thailand around that same time we stayed for a few days in a resort with tree house rooms near a national forest. The first morning we went to breakfast and there was a makeshift playpen, for a kid who wasn’t quite walking age, near where we ate. When we arrived at the restaurant, the owner was sitting in the playpen with the kid. He left when another worker came to tend to the kid. Then later we saw his wife doing the same thing. We assumed it was their granddaughter. My wife asked if this was the case and we were told no. One of the cook’s mother’s was sick and couldn’t take care of her kid, and so she had to bring her baby to work… they were just all taking shifts when they could so the employee could do her job.

One of the best parts of travel is seeing how some cultures differ from our own, and appreciating that their lifestyles include little things that we can learn from. And I think you can learn a lot about people by watching how they care for their kids, and kids in their community.

They are so grown up!

When our kids were young my wife and I had our travel systems to make everything go smoothly. I managed the bags, she managed the the passports, our kids had their backpacks, and we’d wiz through security lineups and seldom had any issues. Then I was usually the one with directions but my wife would take that rôle sometimes, like in France where she speaks the language and I don’t.

This trip to Spain and France my oldest daughter took full control of this. She is fluent in French and very capable in Spanish. She organized which buses and trains to take, what routes we took following Google, and when we drove an hour and a half down the coast in France, we took her car and she drove.

It was awesome to see her in full travel guide mode and I fully enjoyed taking the back seat (figuratively and literally in taxis) and having her run the show. I made sure she was ok with the responsibility and there was one evening in Spain when she said she didn’t want the responsibility and I took over, but other than that, she was in charge.

Our kids also planned events on our trip. We went to a Flamenco show in Barcelona and a tour of the Royal place in Madrid, both organized by our girls. And we went to a fancy restaurant on Christmas Eve and they treated.

It’s awesome to see your kids grow up to young adults. We said goodbye to our oldest this morning and my wife, youngest daughter, and I are on our way home. We had to hike several terminals over when we arrived in Paris for our connecting flight and my daughter pushed the luggage cart. These are small things but they make me a proud parent to see these independent young women contributing to our family adventures.

A dad’s secret

I love this.

I saw this TikTok last night and it really warmed my heart. A dad kept a childhood secret from his kid until she was 32 and had her own kids. Her dad would take her and her siblings to the beach to go shell fishing, but would go to a souvenir shop first and buy pretty shells. Then he’d throw them in the ripples of waves to be found.

How did she finally find out all these years later? Because he started doing it for her kids, his grandkids. Here is the video.

I grew up on a tropical beach. I still remember the joy of finding a beautiful, unbroken shell. I wish I did this for my kids… and one day I hope to do this for my grandkids.

No more teens

Tomorrow is my youngest daughter’s birthday. As of tomorrow my daughters will be 20 and 22, and I will no longer be the parent of a teenager. It has been incredible to watch these young girls transform into young women. They are still two wonderful kids in my eyes, but they are so mature, and grown up too.

I still remember holding them both in my arms for the first time, watching their first steps, and reading them bedtime stories. It doesn’t seem all that long ago… not all that long ago for me, but an entire lifetime for them.

I’ve been writing a letter to them in my head ever since my first daughter went off to university. Soon I’ll have to get it written down. For now it’s just an idea about first and last experiences. Perhaps I’ll share it here, but only with their permission… I’m writing it for them, they are my audience… my two grown up girls that will forever be my babies. The teen years may be over, but they are my kids and that will never grow old.

Spiral into TikTok time

I have a 30 minute timer for TikTok and I am committed to not going past that on work days. It’s crazy how the algorithm works. Before the self-administered time restraint, I could get sucked in for over an hour… Occasionally, on weekends, I still do. And my TikTok is nothing like my daughter’s, we are into completely different things.

What’s scary is how well the algorithm has me figured out. I can watch 20-30 short videos in a row without skipping one. It has completely figured out what I like, and feeds me related and relatable content. If you are a fan of Facebook or Instagram, you’ll notice the same thing.

But I’m someone who watches very little TV, and doesn’t spend much time on social media, and so 30 minutes is like sitting down to watch a single TV show. It’s entertainment for me and I allow myself that break.

But what about our younger generations? What kind of time are they spending sucked into attention algorithms designed to keep them engaged? Designed to keep them watching?

In China, they stop the Chinese version of TikTok, Douyin, from 10pm to 6am, and I’ve heard that they intentionally push educational content when it is on. This may seem draconian, but I’m not sure that letting addictive social media tools run rampant is a good idea. I’m not sure what balance looks like, but I am pretty sure that these tools are a bit too addictive to let them co-parent our kids.

Kids and sports

I don’t know Trevlyn, but she wrote this on Facebook, I re-shared it 4 years ago, and it came up as a FB memory yesterday.

“One of my friends asked “Why do you pay so much money for your kids to do all their sports”? Well I have a confession to make; I don’t pay for my kids to to do sports. Personally, I couldn’t care less about what sport they do.

So, if I am not paying for sports what am I paying for?

– I pay for those moments when my kids become so tired they want to quit but don’t.

– I pay for those days when my kids come home from school and are “too tired” to go to their training but they go anyway.

– I pay for my kids to learn to be disciplined, focused and dedicated.

– I pay for my kids to learn to take care of their body and equipment.

– I pay for my kids to learn to work with others and to be good team mates, gracious in defeat and humble in success.

– I pay for my kids to learn to deal with disappointment, when they don’t get that placing or title they’d hoped for, but still they go back week after week giving it their best shot.

– I pay for my kids to learn to make and accomplish goals.

– I pay for my kids to respect, not only themselves, but other riders, officials and coaches.

– I pay for my kids to learn that it takes hours and hours, years and years of hard work and practice to create a champion and that success does not happen overnight.

– I pay for my kids to be proud of small achievements, and to work towards long term goals.

– I pay for the opportunity my kids have and will have to make life-long friendships, create lifelong memories, to be as proud of their achievements as I am.

– I pay so that my kids can be out on the track instead of in front of a screen…

…I could go on but, to be short, I don’t pay for sports; I pay for the opportunities that sports provides my kids with to develop attributes that will serve them well throughout their lives and give them the opportunity to bless the lives of others. From what I have seen so far I think it is a great investment!” – By Trevlyn Mayo Palframan

As a former coach this really speaks to me. As a parent, I can say that this applies equally to sport as to dance and theatre when it comes to competition, tryouts, and your kid not getting the part they want and still performing at their best.

Putting kids into activities they love is so valuable. So too is them trying a sport and not liking it, but committing to the team anyway. One of my daughters started a sport and a few months in she realized she wasn’t enjoying it. We told her that her team needed her and that she had to finish the season. She kept a positive attitude and gave her best at practices and games. I was as proud of that as I have been of trophies and awards. And she knew in the end that it was the right thing to do.

Sports aren’t just about learning skills in that sport, they are also about learning life skills, and creating memories and friendships that can last a lifetime.

Falling fairies

It was meant to be funny, but it was mean. Not one of proudest moments as a dad.

My oldest daughter was three, and we were outside, playing in the fresh snow on a weekend morning. The snow was deep, but way too fluffy and soft for a snowman. I went over to the huge tree in our front yard, covered in snow, branches laden with powdered snow, and decided it would be funny to shake the snow onto my daughter. A harmless joke.

I called here over. ‘Come here’.

“Why”

I gently pulled a branch lower. “Come over here.’

“Why”

‘If you listen carefully you can hear the tree fairies sing.’

My daughter came over, trying to listen, and I shook the branch. Puffy snowflakes came falling down into her. This wasn’t a dump of snow, it was a powdering, but still, a solid covering of her toque and face.

And then the tears came so fast that I couldn’t even laugh. Thank goodness because that would have been meaner that it already was. I gave her a hug and she cried on my shoulder. I realized my mistake and hugged her tight. At this point I did laugh embarrassingly, but held it in, my body shaking as I held back the noise, still hugging her and hiding my guilty grin. ‘Oh, I’m so sorry sweetie, it was just a joke.’

My mistake wasn’t dumping snow on her, that would have been funny. It was the comment about the fairies that was hurtful. I played on the gullibility of a three year old who really believed she was going to hear a tree fairy. When I tricked her, it wasn’t just a prank by dad for the sake of a joke, it was a betrayal, and a disappointment that made the betrayal actually hurt.

She got over it pretty quickly, and we were back to playing and having fun a few moments after the tears. Now that she’s almost 21, I’m sure this isn’t a scarring memory that she’ll end up needing therapy for, but it was not a great parenting moment for me.

We don’t always realize the way we hurt people with the things we say. To us it’s nothing but a lighthearted joke, a little poke, a passing comment. But to the receiver it can be more. It was falling fairies, not falling snow, that really hurt my daughter.

We don’t always see how our words and actions can really affect others. We say ‘It’s not a big deal’, others feel it really is. We see misunderstanding, others see malcontent. We see honest mistakes, others see betrayal. What others hear and feel is far more important than what we think they hear and feel.

And sometimes a sincere apology, or even a hug, can go a long way in mending fallen feelings.

—– —– —– —– —–

A related story, “T’was two nights after Christmas… A story of lost innocence.“

When the street lights came on

How many of us Gen X kids stayed out until the street lights came on? That was the signal to head hone for bed. Until the street lights came on, all your parents knew about your location was that you were somewhere in the neighbourhood…. somewhere.

Kids today, their parents always know where they are. This isn’t that new. Even us X’ers didn’t let our kids have this freedom. We grew up in an era when news reports started telling us what a bad world we live in. Unsafe. Dangerous for kids.

Now we are locked down in a way that really limits kids freedoms even more. Where are you going? Who are you seeing? Are they all in your small bubble of friends? Coronavirus has locked us all down and limited where we go and who we see.

This is really tough for kids. They don’t have any equivalent experience of being out until the street lights turn on. They don’t have a place to be unsupervised by adults… not to raise hell and cause trouble, just to be kids.

How much of their time is organized. Even fun is organized… soccer practice, dance classes, music lessons, are all put in the calendar. Play is scheduled, like recess and lunch at school, every free moment isn’t really free at all.

I think we need to find ways to give kids some of the freedom we had as kids, when we could stay out, unsupervised, until the street lights came on.