Tag Archives: students

You don’t know

One of the challenges of being an educator… Sometimes you don’t know.

You don’t know that the way you say something triggers a kid.

You don’t know that a kid missed breakfast, or that they didn’t have anything in the house they could have for breakfast.

You don’t know that after school they have to fend for themselves, and maybe a younger sibling too.

You don’t know how abusive a parent is.

You don’t know how stupid a kid feels.

You don’t know how crippling perfectionism is.

You don’t know the root cause of misbehaviour.

You don’t know the bullying was happening until it went too far.

You don’t know how important your validation is.

You don’t know how hard the learning challenges really are.

You don’t know that the distracted kids really wants to pay attention but the distractions are too loud in their heads.

Sometimes you don’t know what you needed to know about a kid to be a better teacher for them.

Ah, but then sometimes you don’t know…

How appreciated you are. How much you are looked up to. How valuable your connection is to a kid for whom you are the only caring adult that listens to them.

Sometimes you don’t know that the joke you shared in class was the only smile a kid had that day. That you make a kid feel smart. That you are the only person to give a kid a 4th chance because life isn’t baseball and no kid deserves only 3 strikes.

Sometimes you don’t know how valuable you are to the kids, the families, and the community you serve.

The effort of learning

As an athlete, I didn’t have very good body awareness. My swim stroke was awful and that’s tough to deal with as a water polo player. My coaches spent a lot of time trying to fix my stroke, and they’d have me try all sorts of drills and drill strokes, but I often wouldn’t feel the difference or wouldn’t be able to get my body to do what my coaches wanted it to do.

I was also a player who has no issue being yelled at. I listened whether the coach was speaking at a regular volume or yelling at the top of his lungs. Didn’t matter if it was encouraging or angry. I heard, I tried. I tried again. And often again because listening wasn’t doing, and I had to work extra hard on the doing.

For me, learning new skills was always something I had to work at, and the idea of learning being an effort has stuck with me. Maybe it’s not true for someone who finds that skills come easy to them, but for me if there isn’t a struggle then there isn’t much learning happening. That’s why I frequently go back to the ideas I shared in ‘learning and failure‘. We should teach kids to struggle through things that are not easy and not guaranteed to work. We should have them feel the struggle of failure… even if they are solid ‘A’ students (perhaps especially if they are – see #3 here).

I think sometimes we try to make learning too easy. We forget the sense of accomplishment that comes with succeeding at something hard. We forgot that the challenge is what makes the learning stick. Learning can be fun and hard. It can be challenging and rewarding. It is seldom effortless and still processed meaningfully. The effort is what helps make the learning stick, and while it need not be painfully hard, it does (often) need to at least be uncomfortable. Easily learned skills are not nearly as rewarding as the skills that are more challenging and harder to accomplish. Real learning comes with effort.

Disengaged

It’s apparent in schools, it’s apparent in the workforce… there are students and young adults who are disengaged with societal norms and constructs around school and work. They are questioning why they need to conform? Why they need to participate? There is a dissatisfaction with complying with expectations that schools is necessary, or that a ‘9-5’ job is somehow meaningful.

Some will buck the norm, find innovative alternatives, and create their own niches in the world. Others, many others, will struggle, wallow in unhappiness, and fight mental health demons that will leave them feeling defeated, or riddled with anxiety, or fully disengaged with a world they feel they don’t fit in. Some will escape this, some will find pharmaceutical ways to reduce or enhance their disconnect. Some of these will be doctor prescribed, others will be legally or illegally self-prescribed.

The fully immersive worlds of addictive, time-sucking on-demand television series, first-person online games, and glamorous, ‘living my best life’, ‘you will never be as happy as me’ illusions on social media certainly don’t help. Neither does unlimited access to porn, violence, and anti-Karen social justice warriors dishing out revenge and hate in the name of justice. The choices are fully immersed, unhappily jealous, or infuriatingly angry… and disengaged with the world. Real life is not as interesting, and not as engaging as experiences that our technological tools can provide. School is hard, a full day at work is boring, and it’s easier to disengage than participate.

The question is, will this disengaged group find their way? Or will they find themselves in their 30’s living in their parent’s basements or subsisting on minimal income, working only enough to survive, and never enough to thrive?

School and work can’t compete with the sheer entertainment value this group gets from disengaging, so what’s the path forward? We can’t make them buy in if they refuse, and we can’t let school-aged students wallow in a school-less escapes from an engaged and full life. I don’t have any solutions, but I have genuine concerns for a growing number of disengaged young adults who seem dissatisfied with living in a world they don’t feel they can participate meaningfully in.

What does the future hold for those who disengage by choice?

The behaviour not the child

It is a simple thing to understand but not always an easy thing to do. When a kid messes up, you can focus on the behaviour that was inappropriate or you can address the kid as inappropriate. When you deal with the behavior, you give the kid a choice not to behave that way. When you deal with the kid, you are telling them that they are bad. Not what they did, they are bad.

What were you thinking? (That teenage brain probably wasn’t thinking.)

How could you do such a thing? (As opposed to ‘what other choices could you have made?’)

You should be ashamed of yourself! (Does the idea of shame make you feel resourceful and help you learn? I doubt it.)

Addressing the behaviour allows the kid to see that behaviour is a choice. Having them come up with alternate options is a way for them to see how their behaviour can change. It’s a way to help them see that the future can be different… just like in my 3rd part of an apology, students can see how a different behaviour can produce a more effective result.

You can be disappointed in a kid, but they need to know you are disappointed with their behaviour. Because if they decide that you are right, and they are just a disappointment… there isn’t the same incentive to change the behavior compared to if the kid feels empowered to change. If the kid feels like you believe they are not only capable of change but that the change is something you would expect from them, then the experience can lead to positive change… to positive changes in behaviour. A good kid can now show you that they made a bad choice.

The challenge of hindsight

Recently I had a student come to me for advice. He played a joke on a friend, and then kept the joke going digitally on a digital discussion board. It wasn’t a bullying issue, there wasn’t a power struggle. But the kid who came to me recognized that his friend was struggling a bit and he felt that his joke added stress and added to his struggles. He just wasn’t sure how to fix it.

I could see and hear the anxiety that he had gone too far with the joke and hurt his friend. There was a lot of guilt, and the awareness that he could have contributed to a friend’s struggles was really burdening him. He felt awful. I think he came to me partially because he wanted advice and partially because he felt he should somehow be punished for hurting his friend. I mentioned that there was no power struggle and so it wasn’t bullying, but in this kids eyes he did something that hurt someone so it was bullying.

I tried to put him at ease by talking about how hindsight is 20/20 and it’s easy for him to see that he took the joke too far now, but it would have been much harder to see this at the time. And I said that the fact that he could look back and see that now was actually a good thing. Good because it shows he’s reflective and cares for his friend, and good because he has the power now to make things better. But that it’s easy to see this now only by looking back and being thoughtful.

I then guided him through a good apology. He wanted to make it about the struggles his friend was going through as part of the apology. I suggested this wasn’t an ideal approach. A version of “I’m sorry you have problems that I added to” doesn’t instil a sense that the conversation is about an apology. Instead I suggested he focus on his own behavior. “I’m sorry that I took the joke to far, I didn’t mean for it to be hurtful in any way, but I think it was. I apologize and I’ll be more thoughtful next time.”

At one point when I was finishing up with him he said, “I’m sorry if I seem distracted but the longer I’m here the longer my friend has to wait for my apology.” I had to hold back a little chuckle as I let him go to talk to his friend.

This is a good kid. He used hindsight to see that he had done something wrong to a friend, but then he beat himself up for not seeing his mistake sooner. How often do we all do this? We look back at our actions and feel guilty, stupid, or embarrassed for what we did. Then we magnify those feelings and feel even worse. Our hindsight gives us insight into how we could have and should have acted previously… but now it’s too late. Now it feels like all we can do is feel bad.

…Or we can be humble, recognize our mistake, and try to make things better. The challenge with hindsight is that we can’t undo our stupidity, we can only pretend it didn’t happen, beat ourselves up about it, or actually try to face the mistake we made, own it, and be willing to make amends or ‘make it right’. This latter choice isn’t the easiest path to take, but it is the best path to take and the faster we do it, the less time we spend worrying or feeling bad about it.

A message to high school teachers

If you are in a semestered high school, you are about to finish semester 1 and start semester 2. That means it’s time to give students final marks in half of their courses. How do you work out their marks? Is it a matter of just looking at your mark book and averaging or tallying up marks from September to now?

Consider this little analogy I’ve shared before… and ask yourself if there’s a kid or two who might deserve a better mark considering how they are doing now compared to 4 months ago:

__________

The Parachute Packing Analogy

I love the simplicity of this example! There are 3 students who are in a parachute packing class:

Students take 3 tests during the course.

Student A starts off strong and gets an A on the first test, gets a B on the second test, is over-confident, flounders and gets a C on their final test.

Student B is a solid B student and gets B’s on all 3 tests.

Student C struggles on the first test and gets a C, starts understanding the concepts and gets a B on the second test, then totally understands all the concepts and finishes with an A on the final test.

All 3 students have a ‘B’ average in the course.

Which student do you want to pack your parachute?

__________

You don’t ‘need’ to mark the way you used to. You don’t ‘need’ to mark the kid getting 46% just by the numbers, especially if their mark was 36% at the start of the year and they are much more successful now. You can bump the one kid up 2% for the ‘A’ because they did poorly on one test the whole semester… And totally justify not giving another kid that 2% because they are short of getting an ‘A’ from consistently getting the harder questions wrong, and have not demonstrated that they are a ‘A’ student.

Equal ≠ Fair

Equal is not equal to fair. You can be fair without treating everyone equal… with assessments, with support, and even with how much homework you give them.

Assessment isn’t just about averaging and tallying marks, and fairness isn’t determined by equal treatment.

Defining the Unconventional

Inquiry Hub is a very different school than a conventional high school. Students get a lot less direct instruction, they do a lot more group work and presentations, and they get time in their day to work on passion projects. These passion projects serve as their elective courses, and they get credit for doing them. And while we can’t offer the amazing array of electives courses students get in a large high school, students get to go in-depth on topics of interest in a way that they just don’t normally get to in a ‘regular’ high school.

Despite our grads moving on to programs like engineering and computer science, and despite acceptance to UBC, SFU, Emily Carr, BCIT, Waterloo, McGill, and other universities, colleges, and technical schools, we still get parents concerned that somehow their kids will be disadvantaged by going to our school.

Our kids transition to university very well, and do not struggle in their first year, unlike 12-15% of grads across the province that graduate high school successfully then don’t make it through their first year of university. But incoming parents are still worried that their kids won’t be prepared for university. The skills they learn in our school to self advocate, self-direct, and structure their own learning are exactly the skills student don’t get in far more scripted learning environments where the teacher tends to determine what students are doing for almost the entire day in a traditional block schedule.

Skills learned at Inquiry Hub not only help students when they get to university, but these skills also help students be more entrepreneurial, more innovative, and more prepared to be productive in a knowledge economy. Our students will prepare presentations for a midpoint in a project that would blow away what a team would do for a final project in another school, or even what a marketing team would do for a client pitch. Guests in our school are continually blown away by the confidence and professionalism of student presentations.

We are still iterating, we are still learning, we are still figuring out how to help students who struggle… but that’s part of what makes the school great. The environment is dynamic, flexible, and responsive. And students learn that learning is a process. They learn to share their learning in meaningful ways. And they learn to be productive members of a learning community. If that’s considered unconventional, we’ll just keep being unconventional.

Lack of Resourcefulness

Working with kids, I sometimes see a pattern where students who struggle would avoid their own struggles by trying to help others. They can’t get their own struggles in order so they try to become the helper and healers of others. It’s easier to be the saviour than the person needing saving. The endorphins from being needed masks the depressed feelings of needing help and feeling helpless.

But when this happens, the kid doing the helping and avoiding their own work that needs to be done is not resourceful enough to actually help the other kid. They are just helpful enough to create a dependency, to build a mutual reliance on each other, with the co-dependent relationship being the only real benefit.

Now you’ve got two kids that both need help, but they look to each other for that help, rather than looking to someone that can really help them. Furthermore they are now both avoiding the work they need to do for themselves.

This is why students having at least one adult on the building that they have a positive relationship with is so important. Because kids don’t always have the resourcefulness to help other kids, and adults need to intervene when students are hindering growth by trying to help each other. But an intervening adult who doesn’t have a good relationship with the kid or both kids can actually embolden the unhealthy relationship between the kids.

This is one of the most challenging things to deal with in a school, when un-resourceful kids are trying to help each other in order to avoid doing the things they need to do to become more resourceful. It’s a cycle that needs to be broken or it can spread to even more kids. In the end, it’s about providing support and helping build resourcefulness rather than allowing un-resourceful kids try to help each other.

You can’t have both

Sometimes you have to choose. You reach a fork in the road and you have to make a choice. Too often kids try to take two paths at the same time. They want the benefits of two competing options and so they try to do everything. Two sports with game times on the same day is a perfect example, but there are many more ways they try.

The hardest thing to tell a kid that wants to ‘do it all’ is to just pick one. Sometimes it’s a good life lesson to have them try both paths, but sometimes it’s better to draw a hard line and say ‘you have to choose’. Sometimes trying both means being successful in neither.

Successful people don’t spread themselves too thin. They don’t try to be the best at everything. They don’t half-commit to more things than they can handle. For a kid, sometimes a guiding hand is needed, and an ultimatum. As an adult it’s about drawing those lines yourself. It’s about being able to say ‘No’. It’s about understanding that you can’t always add more and still add value.

Sometimes the choice needs to be either/or, not both.

Kids being kids

Last night we had a school dance. I’m at a school with only 87 students, over 50 students came. The whole thing was organized by students, there was a student DJ, and the atmosphere was as alive as if there were 250 students there.

Most kids dressed up really fancy, some were in clothes they wore at school. Most danced, some sat in small groups and talked. Very few spent time on their phones. Everyone seemed to have fun.

This is a crazy time of year. My days involve a constant flow of overlapping demands. I had a Principal’s Christmas dinner on Monday night, I had my daughter’s university showcase performance Tuesday night, and I was at the school yesterday for close to 14 hours, only leaving after helping our custodian and locking up after the last students left… but it was totally worth it to see kids being kids.