Tag Archives: discipline

The 4 ‘D’s leading to office discipline

It was early on in my first job as a vice principal. The position was in a middle school just a few kilometres away from the middle school I taught at for 9 years to start my career. Our secretary came to tell me that a student had been sent down to the office. I sat down with him in my office and he told me why he was sent there.

“Really, that’s all you did?” (I was sure he was leaving something out, I’d never send a kid down to the office for this.)

“Yes!” He said defensively.

We worked out an apology, and rehearsed it, and I sent him back down to his class. Minutes later he was back up at the office. I looked at him quizzically and he quickly responded to my unspoken question, “Mr. Truss, I did exactly what you told me to!”

After a bit of back-and-forth I took him back down to the class and waited for a an appropriate moment to talk to him and the teacher together. It became very evident that she had no interest in letting him back in the room. This surprised me for two reasons:

First, as mentioned, this minor altercation was nothing me or my peers at my previous middle school would ever have sent a kid to the office for. In my eyes, sending a kid to the office was essentially telling the kid, “I cant manage you,” which takes away any leverage I may have the next time this student has any challenging behaviour.

Secondly, why not take him back? I verified with the teacher that the students wasn’t downplaying the behaviour, he was apologizing, and he wanted to come back to class. But the teacher was not interested. I offered to come in with him and that got us passed the impasse.

When I started writing this, my intention was going to be on empathy and growth in understanding that not every student, teacher, or principal is just like me, and how important it is to understand this. But as I was sharing the story above I remembered my 4 D’s that led to the rare occasions I’d send a kid to the office. I wrote about this back in 2008, and I’ll share them here:

________

In 9 years as a teacher I have made very few classroom issues into office issues. I have 4 D’s that I think are issues that should be dealt with at an office level. The first two D’s are cut-and-dry/immediate office issues. These are ‘no-brainers’, you break these rules and you go to the office!

1. Drugs- Alcohol is included in this category;

2. Dangerous- Not just weapons, but physical violence too. The best policy is a zero-tolerance policy… We don’t solve problems this way.

The next 2 D’s have some grey area between being an issue for the office and being an issue that I handle myself. They are:

3. Defiance- an absolute refusal to participate and/or co-operate. If you don’t come to class prepared to learn, or if you aren’t willing to participate with the class… If you can’t offer me 5% of what I am offering you, then that probably hinders my ability to give everyone else the time and attention they deserve. I obviously can’t help you, so there is no reason for you to be here. I’ve only ever had one student absolutely refuse to engage in learning to this point. I honestly felt that it was a disservice to keep him in the class and made this the reason to send him to the office. (I have used this as ‘leverage’ with other students in the past- not an ideal strategy, but sometimes a student needs to know that you have limits);

and the final ‘D’,

4. Disrespect- If you are going to treat me, or others in a way that is hurtful, if you are going to ‘injure’ others emotionally/socially… then we have a problem. Hitting someone, or physically hurting someone puts you in the ‘Dangerous’ category and becomes an immediate office referral. Disrespect on the other hand is a little different. If you emotionally or socially injure someone then you are defying one or two of our school beliefs : Respect and/or Inclusion.

________

In ‘administering’ these rules, #3 and #4 had to be pretty extreme to get sent to the office. Otherwise, I handled them myself. But that’s me. Some teachers would be faster to send students away to be dealt with out of class. I just always felt that the most important relationship was between me and the kid. So, while #1 and #2 were likely immediate grounds for an office visit, #3 and #4 only resulted if the relationship was broken such that the defiance and/or disrespect didn’t allow me to be the teacher anymore. At that point the student is clearly a disruption to the class and I’m unable to manage it.

I think in my time as a teacher, I could count on one hand how many kids I ended up sending to the office, but looking back now, I probably should have asked for help a few more times. It’s good to try to hold on to the relationship with a kid, but sometimes a little help and support could go a long way. And I think having clear lines of what constitutes needing that help is a good place to start.

Every single day

Some days it’s really hard to start writing. Today I stared at a blank page long enough that I realized I’d get nowhere stating longer, and so I did my meditation first. Then I thought, ‘I’m the only one that cares about my streak of writing every day, so what if I skip a day?’ And that was the right question to ask myself.

“So what if I skip a day?”

Well, it’s not just about breaking this streak, it’s the permission I give myself to be a streak breaker. It’s the identity that I’ve created that gets broken, not just the pattern. I’m a daily writer, I commit to writing, to putting something creative out into the world. Some days it won’t be great. Some days it will feel like a chore. Some days I’ll stare at a blank page for too long. But every day I’ll write.

“So what if I skip a day?”

If I do it intentionally, I’m opening a door to not being a daily writer. I’m giving myself permission to make exceptions every time it feels tough. Some days you just have to show up. It doesn’t matter if it’s going to the gym, dragging yourself to work on a day when you just want to stay under the covers, heading to a practice you don’t want to go to, or writing every day.

The blank page can be daunting, but it’s not scary, it’s just hard to look at. It’s not a beast, it’s a gremlin. And it’s not blank if you get one sentence down with a commitment not to erase that sentence until you are ready to replace it.

Daily writing is an identity based habit not a calendar based habit. I am a writer, and I can only say that if I’m writing. I live an active lifestyle, and I can only say that if I’m consistently staying active. It’s not about the act as much as it is about the identity. This is who I am. I show up, I get it done, and I know that I’ll do the same tomorrow. Skip a day? That’s a choice somebody else gets to make, not me.

The behaviour not the child

It is a simple thing to understand but not always an easy thing to do. When a kid messes up, you can focus on the behaviour that was inappropriate or you can address the kid as inappropriate. When you deal with the behavior, you give the kid a choice not to behave that way. When you deal with the kid, you are telling them that they are bad. Not what they did, they are bad.

What were you thinking? (That teenage brain probably wasn’t thinking.)

How could you do such a thing? (As opposed to ‘what other choices could you have made?’)

You should be ashamed of yourself! (Does the idea of shame make you feel resourceful and help you learn? I doubt it.)

Addressing the behaviour allows the kid to see that behaviour is a choice. Having them come up with alternate options is a way for them to see how their behaviour can change. It’s a way to help them see that the future can be different… just like in my 3rd part of an apology, students can see how a different behaviour can produce a more effective result.

You can be disappointed in a kid, but they need to know you are disappointed with their behaviour. Because if they decide that you are right, and they are just a disappointment… there isn’t the same incentive to change the behavior compared to if the kid feels empowered to change. If the kid feels like you believe they are not only capable of change but that the change is something you would expect from them, then the experience can lead to positive change… to positive changes in behaviour. A good kid can now show you that they made a bad choice.

3 parts to an apology

I’ve used this with grade 2 students, and I’ve used it all the way up to grade 12. I’ve been using it as a teacher and principal for close to 20 years now and find it very effective. When a student needs to do an apology, I prep both students first.

The apology receiver:

This prep involves two parts, first, being clear about what they are upset about. This is something that can be explicit like ‘he hit me’ but sometimes the victim is hurt about something very specific and if it isn’t clear, then the apology might not actual satisfy the receiver of the apology.

Also important is prepping their response. “You don’t have to say anything, it’s their choice to apologize. If you do feel like saying something, please don’t say, ‘That’s OK’ or anything like that. What they did wasn’t ok, that’s why they are apologizing. If you choose to say something, you can thank them for saying what they said, you can share why you felt hurt, but it’s not your job to tell them what they did was ok.”

I sometimes also tell them about the 3 parts of the apology, but I don’t share this with both people at the same time.

The apology giver:

In advance I share the 3 parts of an apology, and they share what they plan to say. Rehearsal in advance helps a lot! Here are the 3 parts of an apology:

1. Saying “I’m sorry”.

2. Saying what you are specifically sorry for.

3. In the future…

For part 1, I make sure the apologizer is ready to truly apologize… it needs to be authentic.

For part 2, I explain, “I’ve heard an apology before where the person just said sorry sarcastically, and it sounded like the only thing they were sorry about was getting caught. If you are going to truly apologize, you need the person to know what you are sorry for.”

For part 3, I have them think in advance about what they would do if the same situation were to arise in the future (this is called future pacing and it provides alternative possibilities if a similar situation arises again). Example, “If I get upset at you again I’ll use my words or talk to a teacher instead of hitting.”

After the apology is done, I’ll make sure the receiver is satisfied, then I’ll share that I’m satisfied too but if it happens again, then I’m not going to be convinced the apology was authentic.

The best part of this 3-step apology process is that when it’s specific and authentic like this, I find repeat offences rarely occur. And, the receiver of the apology will often share more than they need to. Sometimes this evokes empathy. Sometimes the receiver will admit they had a part to play in the incident too, and might even apologize as well. This is really powerful because then I can use it as a bit of leverage saying something like, ‘We didn’t come together for you to apologize, it wasn’t necessary as part of this process, and so I really want to thank you for seeing how you can help make things better in the future too.’

Sometimes an apology isn’t enough and there needs to be further consequences. When that’s the case, I always make sure the consequences are shared before an apology. If an apology happens then the person apologizing receives a consequence after the apology, they might feel the apology was a waste of time. They might blame the victim for the consequences because they thought the apology was authentic (they honestly tried) then still got punished. So, any consequences beyond the apology need to be clearly dealt with before the apology.

In the end this isn’t about punishment and consequences. A good apology is about letting go of the past and ‘making things right’ in the future.

Good kid, bad choices

Sometimes good kids make bad choices. They do things they shouldn’t, and when they are caught they have to face some consequences. But when they do, it’s a lot easier to work with them, to come to an agreement about how behaviours need to change, when dealing with a good kid. It’s easier to work on what wrongs have to be righted, when you know they are good kids. It’s not hard to deal with good kids when they make bad choices, the bad choices don’t make them a bad kid.

The thing is… all kids are good kids. When you start with the premise that every kid is inherently good, then the important thing becomes dealing with the issue. The focus becomes restitution and not punishment. The discipline becomes logical consequences. The issues and circumstances that led the good kid to make bad choices becomes the thing being dealt with.

Making things right might include the student doing something they don’t want to do. It might include challenging consequences, this isn’t about giving a good kid a break. It’s about seeing the good in someone and asking ‘how can I help this kid see that they are good and help them realize they made a bad choice?’ It’s about making the situation better, then laying the groundwork for the student to make better choices the next time.

Good kid, bad choices. If that’s where the conversation begins, if that’s what you see, then the work done to make things better feels authentic, and is more likely to foster better behaviour in the future… Because you expect good things from good kids, and good kids learn to do good things when they believe they are good.

7-Sins-Collage

Here are the 7 Sins, and here come the 7 Virtues?

In January, I wrote a series of posts called the 7 Sins:

  1. Gluttony
  2. Envy
  3. Pride
  4. Lust
  5. Wrath
  6. Greed
  7. Sloth

I plan to write a series of 7 Virtues over this coming week, in addition to my regular daily posts, then auto post them the following week while I take a social media break. I will be deleting my Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram Apps off of my phone and only using my phone or a laptop with notifications turned off for my sabbatical. On that note, if you regularly read this blog from my Facebook Story or Facebook Timeline, please ‘Like’ this FB page, because during my social media break I won’t be manually adding the posts to my Story or Timeline. You can also get Daily-Ink by email.

Here are 7 Virtues that I am thinking of writing about: (The order might differ.)

  1. Love (including Chastity and Loyalty)
  2. Discipline (including Patience, not just Diligence or Temperance)
  3. Empathy (including Compassion)
  4. Integrity (including Honour and Courage)
  5. Kindness (including Charity),
  6. Humility
  7. Forgiveness

Am I missing anything? Any suggestions?

Junk food

I’ve been craving sugar recently. I keep finding myself drawn to sweet foods and candy. It starts off as a nibble, and once I’ve made the initial break in discipline, then it becomes easy to keep going.

It’s ok to treat yourself, but this seems different. It seems lazy, it seems as though I am not making a choice. The snacks are choosing me.

So now I’m going to have to change that, but I need to frame it properly in my mind. Cutting out all junk food seems like a punishment, a self-imposed restriction that I must endure. But I’m not sure how else to think about it?

Maybe I just need to buy myself some healthy comfort foods. Maybe I should start drinking berry shakes again in the morning, to get some natural sugars in me. This is an example of something delicious and still quite healthy.

I’m not opposed to having a bit of junk food every now and then, but I like having control over the decision. I also like that decision to be about me making good choices, rather than about me avoiding bad ones.

In whose eyes?

The term ‘firm but fair’ has two components. First, it suggests that if a child or a student, (in the case of a parent or an educator), is not acting appropriately, then a firm consequence is put in place. The second part is that the consequence is fair. This means that the consequence is fitting, rather than either soft or overly harsh, and it also means there is consistency in what the consequences look like for similar instances.

The often overlooked aspect of this is that fairness needs to be measured by the person who is receiving the consequence. It should be ‘firm but fair’ in their eyes. If you think you are being fair but the person dealing with the consequence does not, then that mismatch will undermine the value of the consequence, and likely not deter the kind of behaviour you are hoping to reduce.

For a parent, this can often be an issue where anger levels can undermine consistency, where the consequence is unfairly harsher because your kid was driving you crazy for an hour before the issue came up, compared to a less harsh consequence just because you are in a good mood. For an educator, this issue can often come up when consequences are not consistent between different students for similar issues.

An important concept to remember is that if you are wanting to be fair, fairness needs to be perceived by everyone involved. In whose eyes are you being firm but fair?

Act your age

It was 21 years ago when I was on my practicum to become a teacher that a student taught me a valuable lesson. The kid was a bit of a handful and he often acted out in class. He was quite manageable for my teacher advisor, and for me when my advisor was in the room, but he’d act out in an exaggerated way when I was teaching this grade 6 & 7 class on my own.

I don’t remember what the issue was, but one day he did something and I held him back after class. I waited for students to leave then I went over to his desk and sat down next to him. I only remember one thing about the conversation, during my little monologue I said to him, “You’re acting like a little 9 year old!”

He spoke up in response, “I’m 10.”

I froze. Staring at him blankly, I thought to myself, I told him to act his age… and he is… he’s being a little kid in a class of little kids.

After that he was still a challenge at times, but I gave him more responsibility to help me out and he responded well. When he acted out a bit, I remembered his age and that he needed help and guidance. He didn’t need a teacher that was expecting him to act like a mature 15 year old when he was just a 10 year old kid with a lot of energy, being asked to sit at a desk for long periods of time.

I don’t think I’ve ever told a kid to act their age again. In fact, the only times I’ve ever thought that since this incident has been when adults act and respond like kids. I must admit I find that disappointing. But when kids make immature choices, that’s often when they are acting their age.