Tag Archives: meditation

Restless nights

Yesterday was a good day back to work. It was great to see staff and students, and it was a productive day. But the last two nights have been restless. Bizarre dreams and many times awake through both nights. It doesn’t feel like my usual insomnia that I’m prone to, but it is exhausting nonetheless.

I tend not to remember most dreams, but the ones I do remember are often stressful and include me waking up several times then stupidly going right back into the dream to continue them. Cognitively, I tell myself it’s just a dream, but I’m not awake enough to realize that I don’t need to maintain continuity and can just let the dream go.

I had one such dream that kept going and going last night, until I finally woke up to go to the bathroom. This is something I very rarely do, but last night it actually helped me get out of the restless dream cycle. Yet still my night continued to be broken.

I even tried meditation. I did 10 minutes timed with my meditation app to start the night, and I just focussed on my breathing to get myself back to sleep a couple more times. While these helped, meditation didn’t break the pattern of their uneasy dreams and many more wake ups.

I think I’ll try a hot tub before bed tonight. I’ll shut down my devices early. I’ll listen to some music without lyrics. Hopefully I can break the cycle and get a good night’s sleep. While I know I’ll be fine today, and I have a schedule that will prevent me from napping after work (which is a good thing), I know I’ve got to break my restless sleep schedule. It will lead to some very tiring days if I don’t.

I’m ready for some sweet dreams tonight.

Habit tracking – what’s next?

I’ve been reevaluating my healthy living goals over this holiday break. I’ve realized that I don’t need to track a few things that I was tracking on my healthy living chart.

The yellow sticker was originally for 20 minutes minimum reading (listening to books, not podcasts), and/or writing, which I didn’t do much of until the middle of 2019, when I started writing here daily. I don’t think I’ve missed a day of writing since, and I listed to 33 books this year. So, mission accomplished… and such a regular part of my day now that I really don’t need a sticker to track this behaviour.

Also, I started tracking intermittent fasting in 2019, and continued this year. I needed at least a 14 hour gap to earn a sticker. My original goal was 5 days a week with breaks on Friday and Saturday nights when I might have snacks or drinks after dinner. I think this is really healthy but I’ve been pushing myself on my morning workouts and actually struggling to keep weight on, after years of having too much weight on me. I am now my university weight and fitter than I’ve been in about 25 years. But I struggled once we hit September to go 14 hours on most days, and while I’d get close, tracking it seems moot, because I often felt self care was not the objective of holding off on getting some food in me and feeling strong.

My other stickers are exercise and meditation. I usually worked out 5 days a week, and I know that many weeks this year, when I missed 2 workouts early on, the lack of stickers that week really motivated me to exercise daily and keep going. So this sticker reward and tracking is really working for me.

For meditation, I have been doing 10 min. guided daily, and almost have a perfect record. There are some days when I would take too long writing and do a rushed workout and forget to meditate later, having skipped my morning routine. On this break, where I’m not getting up between 5 and 5:30am, I’ve remembered to meditate after 11pm on 3 different days. I think next year I’m going to try to meditate twice daily, once guided in the morning and once silently later in the day (at least 4 days a week). Then I’ll give myself a sticker for each, so I can contrast the amount of times I meditated twice, while also tracking if I skip both on a given day.

So where am I right now with my 2021 healthy living motivation chart?

Red: Workouts (continued)

Blue: Meditation (1 or 2 stickers)

Yellow: A writing goal that I haven’t figured out yet?

Green: I don’t know yet?

Starting this chart 2 years ago has been significant in me being able to create a healthy lifestyle that I’ve been able to monitor and maintain. It’s not a light choice to make, it’s a year of dedication with significant rewards to my personal health and mental well-being. So, over the next few days, I’ll have to solidify my last two targets… and there you have it, writing this has given me something new to track… archery. Now I just need to make my writing and archery goals specific and I’ll be all set for the new year!

Body and mind

Background:

I’m loving my return to archery. I now realize that when I readjust my healthy living goals for 2021, they will need to include finding time to shoot arrows. Just like I created time for writing and exercise over the past couple years, I need to carve out some regular time to shoot. Over this week the first thing I’ll do is figure out a way to do so indoors at home… that’s not just safe, but safe in my wife’s eyes.

These last couple of sessions, I’ve been working on my release. With a compound bow, the goal is not to squeeze the trigger with your thumb, but rather to pull your entire arm back and have the back tension of your arm and hand cause your thumb to trigger the release. To do this, your hand needs to be relaxed, your thumb needs to be securely around the trigger, and your back tension should cause the release such that the release surprises you. Being comfortable with this surprise takes getting used to, and so does the idea of not squeezing your thumb.

Body:

It’s interesting when you learn a new skill how easy it is to fill your conscious mind with everything except what you need to focus on. I want to be surprised by the trigger release, but my body is waiting, anticipating it, and taking my attention away from my focus on my release. I want to relax my sight, and let the scope pin float around the target center, but my thumb bounces on the trigger when I see the pin dead center. I want to feel my arm pulling back but instead I realize that my thumb pushed down… only after I’ve taken the shot.

With any new physical skill, I find that my body awareness is my biggest challenge. In the past, when I’ve gone to a core fitness class, the Physio guiding us would adjust my body during an exercise and say, ‘Do you feel the difference?’ Usually my response is ‘No’. I need to look at a mirror and practice the difference, but I don’t feel it.

And Mind:

With archery, I’m starting to feel the difference… but I have to be both focussed and relaxed: Focussed enough to be paying attention to as little as possible, honing in on just my release and not anything else that distracts me; Relaxed enough that I am genuinely surprised by the release, and not in a heightened state of preparation for it. The state of being simultaneously focussed and relaxed is not easily attained.

It’s about unifying body and mind. Having both act as one.

Back to archery and a focus on process

Yesterday I took a hacksaw to the combination lock on my compound bow case. It has been about a year-and-a-half since I shot any arrows with this bow. I did shoot some arrows one afternoon this summer, but that was with a recurve bow, for 45 minutes. Other than that, I basically shelved my new hobby for way too long… obviously to the point that I couldn’t even remember the combination to the case lock.

Today I was lucky enough to be able to shoot a few arrows, and get some (safe and socially distanced) coaching. I was expecting to be rusty, and to have bad form, but I shot surprisingly well. Then I got some key coaching around my thumb release that helped me shoot the most consistent I’ve ever shot!

Reflecting on how well things went, I think that I am fortunate to have a few things going for me. First, I’m still fairly new, so I don’t have years of ingrained bad habits. Second, I had some decent coaching early on, and my bow hand and anchor (where I place my draw hand against my face) are things that came back to me really easily. Third, I’ve kept myself really fit, and having recently recovered from an shoulder injury, a few of the exercises were also excellent for improving my archery strength as well. And finally, I had excellent coaching!

I started archery in the summer 2016. I was recovering from 6 months of chronic fatigue, and realized that if I didn’t start this hobby I’ve wanted to start at this time of renewal, I never would. Then in 2019 I made an intentional decision not to spend time on archery when I rededicated myself to being healthy, but realized to make certain commitments, I also had to make some sacrifices. Now, as 2020 comes to a close, I’ve decided that archery is something I really enjoy and want to get back into.

My favourite part of archery is that it is all about process. Yes, I want to shoot well, and yes the ‘end result’ of where the arrow lands is important. However, once I’ve released the arrow, there is nothing I can do to change that shot. If it isn’t as good as I had hoped, I have a choice of letting it affect my next shot, or I can focus on the process and shooting ‘fresh’ and probably better the next time. It is a mental game that forces me to to ‘let go’ of results and focus on being present. It is a form of meditation, of being in the moment. And for someone who tends to be ‘in my head’ a lot, archery doesn’t allow me to escape from ‘the now’.

I’m excited about returning to this fun hobby, and I’m sure that I’ll have more lessons to learn from, and reflect on, in the coming months.

What becomes routine

I have been writing, mediating, and exercising regularly for quite some time now. Writing and meditation are daily, while the workout is usually 5 days a week. I set my alarm for somewhere between 4:30 and 5:30 and I get up, peek at social media, then start writing.

I used to meditate first, then I realized that I wasn’t mediating as much as I was planning what I wanted to write. So I switched to writing first. Some week days I end up writing a bit more than planned and those days sometimes end up as my skipped workout days, or my workout becomes my 20 minute cardio and nothing else. I don’t ever let this happen 2 days in a row.

Recently though, it has been a bit of a scramble. I seem to be stuck going to bed later and waking up at the later end of my window. I then start my morning by checking out news and social media longer than I should before I begin writing. Today I realized that this has become part of my routine. It’s no longer a quick check to see what’s going on, it’s the first of four steps:

Procrastinate on social media, write, meditate, then workout.

This added step has made me more rushed in the morning. I’ve even skipped shaving a bit more regularly (easy to do when the only place you don’t wear a mask is inside your own office). The social media procrastination does, sometimes, inspire my writing. But more often it is just a waste of time. It’s interesting how a routine of focus and discipline can be slowly undermined by a bad habit. It’s easy to make distraction, procrastination, and entertainment part of a routine, without realizing how easily this can distract from the reason you developed that routine.

With just two more mornings of this routine before I start my two week holiday (when I won’t be getting up so early), I think I’m going to have to stick to a strict schedule to keep myself from wasting a large part of my days on a routine I usually keep to under two hours. And when I return in the new year I will need to be more disciplined about what my routine really entails.

Lazy habits form much easier than disciplined habits, and it becomes easy to make distraction part of a regular routine.

Charge your batteries

I went for a walk this morning. Met two friends and we had a social distance walk. We chatted about work to the halfway point then I instituted a push-up rule on the way back: first person to talk shop does 5, next one 10… etc. One buddy did 5, I did 10, and we talked about family and favourite movies and series the rest of the time. First face to face connection with anyone outside my family in weeks.

Came home and showered and went for another walk with my wife. Just did my meditation and cleared my mind some more.

Beyond that I had more than 5hrs sleep last night for the first time in a week, as it seems my insomnia is lifting. Even with the lack of sleep through the last week, Friday at work was incredibly productive. I haven’t had a day with so many things checked off my ‘to do’ list in months.

And now I’m m listening to one of my new favourite songs on repeat, created by one of our students at Inquiry Hub. I find that a single song on repeat helps me write. Usually I pick one without lyrics, but this one works for me.

Even though I missed my workouts Wednesday and Friday from shear exhaustion from insomnia, I still made my 5-a-week minimum. And, I can feel that my period of maintenance is ending and I’m ready for another push. I’m a year and a half behind my goal to do a one-minute unsupported handstand… maybe that’s my goal again after finally feeling fully recovered from a shoulder injury.

Traditionally this weekend is a wipeout. I’m exhausted and the Christmas break can’t come fast enough. I already have at least 55 hours of work scheduled next week with after school meetings booked, and I can’t think too much about the break because it is still far away. So I won’t think about that.

Instead I’ll think about my batteries feeling charged. I’ll do a chore I had put off until the holidays, and get that out of the way now. I’ll write some more… and hopefully sleep for a solid 7 hours tonight. Despite feeling fully charged, I’m going to keep myself metaphorically plugged in, while I feel the power surging in.

The sound of a river

Today I found a beautiful little spot to meditate and behind me a river was roaring softly. It drowned out the sound of cars and the hum of civilization. It took over my sense of hearing.

The white noise of a fast traveling river is very soothing. It calms the mind and softens your other senses. When I hear this sound, I am reminded of different places that have set a similar mood for me. My racing mind slows, and I feel calm.

All this from simple sound of running water.

Slowly getting back to my routine

Morning meditations, writing, and workouts have started back for me as I head into the routines of school days. While I’ve enjoyed the time to sleep in, and move my schedule around, I also missed the consistency of starting my day in the same way. What I haven’t yet done is get through the routine in a timely way. Yesterday, I started working right when I got up. Today I spent a fair bit of time distracted.

I know I’ll get ‘dialled in’ soon, but it has been a slow start for me. It’s weird how this is totally something I want to do, yet it’s still taking me time to get to it. What is it about our nature that we like routines yet we take so much time to get into them? Is it just me, or do others find the same?

My Monkey Brain

I understand that meditation isn’t about emptying my mind, that it’s about bringing my attention back to the present and what I’m doing, such as focus on my breathing. But sometimes my monkey brain just can’t stop. It’s like I’m chasing my own tail, going in circles and wondering why it’s always out of reach?

I go through a few minutes at a time where I can’t focus on my breath for two breaths without my mind bouncing around and being distracted.

Not. Even. Two. Breaths.

It’s like a bad dream where my goal is always just beyond my reach. I know where I want to go, I just can’t get there.

I think I need some tips. I’m open to suggestions.

A break and a lapse

Well I ended up taking just over a week off of my Daily Ink, with plans to do some writing outside of this space. I didn’t. I did have a wonderful break, including from social media, and I’ve been very slow to return. I also listened to a couple books for pleasure and truly enjoyed the break.

That said, I really didn’t write anything at all, and I’ve let my email completely pile up. I don’t feel bad about this, it has felt good to let go of things. Even today I slept in, had a really slow start and am sitting with my laptop in my back yard enjoying the sun and sipping coffee as I type. So while I’m going to make some observations about how I’ve wasted some of my time, I’m not doing so with any guilt, I’m just making observations around my expectations versus reality.

Writing: In about 9 days of not writing daily here, I ended up making 3 notes in my phone regarding the other writing I wanted to do. I can’t say that it wasn’t on my mind but without a routine and setting time to intentionally sit and write, it just never happened. I planned to do what I’m doing now, enjoying the sun outside while writing, but I never actually dedicated specific time to do so. My rest and relaxation never seemed to include taking time to write.

Meditation and exercise: I missed 2 days of meditation and 2 days of exercise (one of them being the same day) thanks to not having a regular routine. I had a long streak on my Calm app broken, but I started a new one yesterday. Last nights workout was minimal and it took me way too long to do so little. Again the lack of a routine hurt me. Still with respect to exercise, 5 days of workouts in a week is pretty good and I usually take at least one day off anyway.

Diet: I’m not on a diet, but I try to eat well and for the start of the year I was regularly doing intermittent fasting (14 hours minimum) 5 days a week. Covid ended that and I’ve never really recovered, but the amount of junk I’ve eaten the last week is horrible. I forget to eat then gorge on junk and my upset stomach has been telling me that I need to get my eating under control.

Social Media: I didn’t miss it. Not even Twitter. I thought I was going to take a break from news as well, but I didn’t although I should have. I’m disheartened by social media right now. It is polarized to the point the facts and reality no longer matter. Call-out culture, angry Karen videos, quick fixes, miss-information, anger, hate, pandemic fear… it seeps into my timelines and make me want to close my accounts.

The week+ of being off is over, and “I’m back”. While I enjoyed the break, I look forward to building a more consistent routine of fitness, meditation, and writing again, with a hesitation to spend much time on social media for a while yet. It’s funny, I thought I would need to stop writing here to get into the mood to write elsewhere, but in reality I need to keep writing and just choose to write more, (and actually make it part of my routine). I’ve enjoyed myself during this break, but I also lapsed a bit in the routines that I’ve built over the past year and a half, and I’m ready to build these positive routines back into my summer schedule.