Tag Archives: Life Lessons

The limits of goals

Listen to this podcast of Adam Grant interviewing Emmanuel Acho. Emmanuel shares this quote, without identifying the source and Google hasn’t helped me find it:

“Reaching a goal is the penalty you receive for setting one.”

Soon after, Adam Grant summarizes,

“You like goals on tasks but maybe not goals in life. If I am working on a specific project or if I’m trying to build a specific skill, fine, give me a target I will work towards it, I will grow because of it. But having a goal from my life, that’s where the penalty really hurts by limiting myself.”

Emmanuel then talks about setting objectives rather than goals:

”An objective is energy aimed in a direction… so I want to aim my energy in a direction without any limit.”

I have never been big on goal setting. I think it’s too easy to set goals that are underwhelming and achieve them than it is to truly step out beyond expectations and do something amazing. I think goals impose self-created roadblocks that aren’t there before the goals are set.

That doesn’t mean you don’t dream big. It doesn’t mean you don’t work hard. On the contrary, you arrive for new heights all the time, you just don’t create false end-goals that prevent you from going beyond.

Goals have a purpose, but they should not be your purpose. Your purpose should be greater than the limits goals place on you.

Taking the needed time

I took a sick day on Monday for my first cough in years, and it got worse later in the day. Yesterday (Tuesday) morning I retested myself and tested positive for covid. I avoided it for 2.5 years but here I am now in quarantine in our spare bedroom, only leaving to go to the bathroom. My cough is still bad, but this afternoon my sinuses feel clearer and the low grade but constant headache that developed Monday night has subsided with the aid of Advil. I know it’s not over but if that’s the worst of it, a typical sinus infection of yesteryear was more unpleasant (though didn’t sound as bad with this cough). Still, I have a good feeling that I’ll be in full form next week.

What was interesting these past few days was that the headache kept me from my computer and screens more than usual. I took naps and I listened to podcasts and a book to pass a bit of the boredom by, but it was very unusual for me to listen to my body and not just work from home all day. I did do a couple pressing things and answered some texts, but overall I really took sick days and didn’t just work from home while sick.

This was extremely unusual for me. It didn’t come without stress… I haven’t had this many unread emails in well over a year. I have things on my ‘to do’ list that kept creeping into my thoughts even when I tried to let them go. And, I felt guilty that I wasn’t working. That’s the crazy part, I’m home sick, and much of the day I’m thinking about work or feeling guilty for not doing work. I don’t think that’s what’s intended to be done on a sick day?

I’m glad I took the time I needed and I’m willing to bet that I wouldn’t feel as ‘good’ (well at least as ‘fair’) as I do now, had I not taken this time mostly off. And yet I already know that even though I am not going in to work tomorrow, I’m going to be spending at least a few hours catching up. I should probably take the full day off, but I won’t.

I’ll take this as a win for taking the time I needed the past three days. But after 55 years on this planet I still need to figure out that work/life balance thing a little better, so that I can take a guilt-free sick day… to be sick. I’ll probably retire before I really know how to do it right.

Let it go

When my youngest daughter gets stressed about something I will often start to sing ‘Let It Go’ from the movie Frozen. I’m an awful singer and she’ll roll her eyes at me. Sometimes she even beats me to the punchline, “…And don’t start singing Let It Go… please.”

If it’s a serious topic, I won’t start to sing, but when she is perseverating on a small issue, I let it rip, nice and loud, “Let it go, let it go!” Just that verse, I honestly don’t know the song that well and have always struggled remembering music lyrics.

What’s interesting though is that it’s always easy to give advice like that to others, but not so easy to feed the same advice to yourself.

There is the saying, ‘Death by a thousand paper cuts’ to suggest no one wound that is fatal but rather the accumulation of many wounds that finally leads to your demise. Sometimes stresses and challenges are like that. No one stressor is too big to handle, but not being able to let go of a thousand little stressors feels overwhelming. Or, life just gets busy with many many stressors then one or two slightly bigger stressors get added and it all seems too much. Just those couple issues on their own would be fine, but they add to an accumulation of things you didn’t let go of and suddenly these slightly bigger items seem gigantic.

It’s not easy to let even little things go when they are sitting on your brain. And sometimes you can’t let go of the problem or challenge, you actually have to face it… and that’s the thing that stresses you out. But the time and energy you spend worrying really doesn’t help. So be it a song, exercise, a quote, or even meditation, the trick is not to let the stressors live in your brain rent free. Stress as you deal with them or ‘let it go’ until you can deal with them. Just don’t think avoiding them altogether works. You aren’t actually letting them go, you’re just not letting them accumulate and consume your thinking when you aren’t dealing with them.

And if this was easy, there would be no reason to get this song stuck in your head.

Big rocks

I remember a story about a professor who teaches students about dealing with all the problems and pressures in their lives. He brings a glass jar to class with some sand, pebbles, and slightly larger rocks. He describes these items as all a person’s problems and challenges, and the jar as the person. He tries to put all these items into the jar, starting with the sand, and they don’t fit. Then he starts with the pebbles, and again they don’t fit. Then he starts with the slightly larger pebbles, puts the smaller pebbles in afterwards and shakes the jar so that the smaller pebbles fall between the larger ones, then pours the sand in, which fills the empty spaces. Everything now fits. The lesson is to pay attention and take care of the biggest problems first and you make room to handle all your problems.

I think it’s a neat story, but I never really agreed fully with the message. I don’t think it’s healthy to always be trying to deal with the big problems you face first. Sometimes if you ignore the little problems for too long, they become bigger problems too. “Kill a snake when it’s small,” my grandfather used to say. And sometimes it’s in dealing with smaller issues that the insight comes as to how a larger issue can be solved.

But sometimes it’s easy to avoid the ‘big rocks’ by staying busy tending to smaller issues, and actually avoiding the bigger ones. That’s when the professor’s advice becomes wise. Kill a big snake before its too big to ever deal with… before it’s too big for your jar.

So when do you deal with the big rocks first? I think it’s an upside down bell curve that should drive your attention.

Imagine an attention graph on a scale from not thinking about something at all to always thinking/worry about something. When you are stuck worrying about a problem too much and, on the other extreme, when you are altogether ignoring that problem, that’s when it should be dealt with swiftly, putting aside other smaller issues. But you can’t spend your life only taking care of your big problems and feel like these big rocks are all that matter. No, they should only be a priority when they are bothering you too much, or when you are trying to escape them. At these points it’s time to face the big problems head on.

That doesn’t mean that you ignore them at all other times, it simply helps you determine when they should be the snake you kill… no matter how big it may be.

The happiness scale

Imagine a happiness scale from Depressed at the bottom to exhilarated at the top:

– Exhilarated

– Very Happy

– Happy

– Content

– Wanting

– Bored

– Unhappy

– Depressed

I think too many people get stuck expecting most of life to be spent on the high end of that scale and so when everyday life doesn’t meet that expectation, they end up unhappier than they should be… and this can spiral into disappointment and depression.

If you aren’t content with everyday events, then you are left wanting more. If your hobbies and interests only bring you joy when you accomplish something, and not in all aspects of the experience, including the challenges, or prep work, or practice, then the joy is fleeting.

In this TikTok, David Bederman describes ‘the surfer’s mentality‘:

Some people only find joy when riding the wave, and not also the paddling out to catch the wave. Some people compare their daily life to the best life of others shared on Facebook and Instagram. Some people don’t consider a chat with a friend, a laugh at a social media post, or an hour spent lost in an engaging activity as happy times. They perceive happiness as more than that. Happiness is fleeting.

Finding happiness in your everyday life is a way to tip the scale in your favour. A way to spend more time on the upper end of the scale, to not measure yourself as less than happy, wanting more, and feeling like less. Expectation of more than this leads to seeking greater peaks, like holidays, adrenaline rides, and unsustainable nights out of entertainment to pull yourself out of wanting more.

Are you waiting for special moments to be happy, or are you looking for happiness in every day life? Are you comparing yourself to others and what they share publicly, or are you seeking moments in the now that can move your daily life to being content with happy moments interspersed throughout the day?

Because the happiness scale isn’t sustainable if you always desire to move up the scale, that expectation leads you further down the scale more often than not. Instead, the happiness scale is sustainable when you find ways to simply be content, and let happiness find you when you are doing the small things that make life interesting, challenging, enjoyable, playful, and fulfilling.

Update

I found this: Why Having Fun Is the Secret to a Healthier Life | Catherine Price | TED

And I was reminded of this recent post: Big lessons from little ones

The paradox of pain

It doesn’t matter if it’s physical pain, or simply the pain of doing something uncomfortable or inefficient, I’ve noticed that people prefer old pain to new pain.

Knee hurts, but so do the physiotherapy exercises? Well then the knee pain isn’t so bad.

Doing something that takes a long time to do, but learning the better way to do it is hard work? The long way is ok.

Being told that the system you are currently doing needs to change? Complain about all the ways the new system will be a potential problem, rather than focussing on how it could be better.

People prefer to stay in the pain they know than to be introduced to new pain… even if that pain is lesser than the current pain. The pain of change hurts more than the pain you are in. Except it really doesn’t. That’s the paradox of pain… new pain is always perceived as more painful than the current pain you are in. And so change is resisted, and the old pain persists.

Related: Leading Change, and the follow up Embracing Change on my Pair-a-Dimes blog.

If I could turn back time

My oldest daughter leaves for France this morning. She’s going to teach English for 8 months in two very small neighbouring towns on the west coast of Bordeaux. I’m so excited for her, especially since she was supposed to spend a semester abroad in her third year of university and that was cancelled due to the pandemic. She is finally getting the trip she was hoping for 2 years after planning to go. It will be a wonderful adventure for her.

When I did my first university degree, it was in International Development and I told myself, “I’m not going to consider this degree complete until I travel to a developing nation and experience what I’m studying.” That didn’t happen. I ended up spending two years working as a lifeguard, and coaching and playing water polo 6 or 7 days a week, then I moved from Toronto to Vancouver. I didn’t end up doing any major travel until about 18 years after graduation, when I went to live in China.

I live a pretty content life with very little I regret, but if I could turn back time and do one thing differently, I would have travelled more when I was younger. If I could give advice to a younger me, that’s the big thing I’d share… (well, that and buy Apple stocks😀).

I see some high school students excited to head to university and they know exactly what they want to do. To them I think, ‘go for it, good for you!’ But I also see kids that just don’t know what they want to do. For them I think, ‘take a year off!’ Still apply for university if you want, then differ for a year. In both cases, travel and see a bit of the world before settling down in a job.

I didn’t become a teacher until I was 30. I have told both of my kids, “If you finish your degree, travel for 2 years, work for a year, do a whole other degree, and then do a year’s work at something you really wanted to try before finally starting a career… you’d still be ahead of my timeline.” When I’m done my career, I will still have had close to 30 years as an educator. I tell my kids there is time for a career after you try doing a few things you really want to do. And who knows, maybe the adventures you go on lead to a career you truly love.

I’m lucky to have a family and a career that bring me joy, and I know that if I had travelled more, I might never have met my wife and had my two wonderful kids. So I still actually don’t regret the choices I’ve made. But looking back at my younger self, I’d say ‘travel more’ would be the advice I’d give if I could whisper to myself half a lifetime ago.

Making good choices

Sometimes there are big choices to make, and they are hard. Some things aren’t cut-and-dry and easy to determine that, ‘this is the best choice to make’. These big decisions are often literally about cutting away possibilities. The good and right choice isn’t always clear.

But there are other choices we make that don’t demand a lot of choice and energy. They are tiny moments of little thought, not big decisive moments… yet they can make a huge difference.

A car slows down in front of you causing you to break, then they put their indicator on just before turning. Do you aggressively attack your car horn? Do you swear and call the driver a foul name? Or do you take a deep breath, and go on your merry way.

You have an exchange with a coworker that doesn’t go well. Do you gossip behind their back? Stay angry all day? Go back to try to resolve the issue? Seek advice? Or even just move on, not allowing a small issue to grow larger in your mind?

You wake up and your morning doesn’t go as planned. Do you decide it’s just going to be a crappy day? Do something to make yourself feel better? Or just decide that it’s still going to be a great day despite the small issue that didn’t go as planned?

We spend a lot of time thinking about the big decisions in life and often don’t realize the 1,000 little decisions that we don’t think as much about matter just as much or more.

Often we build up habits of mind that make these decisions for us. I don’t want to curse at the idiot driving in front of me but when I pull up behind someone at a red light, in the left lane of a two lane road with no left turn lane, and then they put their left turn indicator on only after the light turns green, profanity escapes my mouth. I don’t even think about it, but then I drive away angry.

This isn’t a good choice to make, but it’s like it is made for me… decided in the moment without choice. Times like this are when good choices are hard, but healthy. Good choices sometimes need to be intentional. Good choices take effort when the choices in similar situations beforehand led to less than desirable choices.

We can build a good life by focussing on choosing better small choices throughout the day, and interestingly enough, this can help us choose the right path when the bigger, harder choices come our way.

Good doesn’t have to be enjoyable

I said this to my massage therapist one day when she had her elbow pressed deep into my back, “Good doesn’t have to be enjoyable”. It was uncomfortable. In no way was it enjoyable. But it was so, so good! She was working out a knot in my upper back very slowly, with a whole lot of pressure. The feeling verged on pain, but it was really good. I knew that in the coming days I would feel a lot of relief thanks to my muscles being worked over in a slow, hard, methodical way.

I think it can be easy to forget that some things are good for you, even if they aren’t fun. Ask any athlete who is stuck just below the skill level required to do a challenging move. Ask a student who is stuck on a concept, but keeps working to figure it out. Ask someone new to a an enjoyable job but the work itself is challenging to do well. Ask a person in the gym working a muscle group to fatigue and their spotter pushing them to do 3 more assisted reps, when their body wants to quit… good doesn’t have to be enjoyable.

There are many things in life that are good to do, that involve some level of uncomfortableness or discomfort, yet are absolutely worth doing. Difficult conversations are another excellent example. Very often people avoid hard but necessary conversations and the lack of communication either allows discomfort and upset to continue or actually makes matters worse. It really isn’t enjoyable having hard but necessary conversation and yet it is so valuable to have these conversations rather than avoid them.

Enjoyment isn’t a necessary byproduct of doing something that is good for you. Immediate enjoyment might not even be desirable. Sometimes it is valuable to take pleasure and enjoyment out of the equation if you want to push yourself to do something that is good for you in the long run.

I think sports is a good place to learn this as a kid. Running faster helps you play better, but that means doing tiring drills. Repeating an action over and over again can be boring, but when you use that skill properly in a game you are rewarded.

Mottos like ‘Just do it’ and ‘No pain, no gain’ come to mind. Doing something well or that’s good for you doesn’t always have an immediate reward, and so it might not be fun to do, even if it’s good for you.

A Quote on Judgement

“We judge others by their actions, but we judge ourselves by our intentions.”

I saw this quote and wondered who said it? I was lead by my search to Stephen Covey, “We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behavior.”

This made me think about all the things I have the good intention to say and to do, but I don’t follow through. Looking at this from the outside, there is no action, just unrealized intention. For example, I wanted to show my appreciation or write a thank you card, but never got around to it; good intentions, but to anyone else, no action. In fact, lack of action could actually be judged as lack of appreciation. My intentions were good but…

We very often don’t know another person’s intentions. We judge their behaviours and actions (or lack there of) and assume their intentions. And we know our intentions and don’t always see that our actions don’t represent what those intentions are.

This quote is a reminder not just to think about what another person’s intentions are, but also for us to think about how our actions truly represent our behaviours and actions to others. Are we living a congruent life where are actions demonstrate our intentions? Because good intentions are not enough if we aren’t expressing them.