Tag Archives: friendship

The happiness scale

Imagine a happiness scale from Depressed at the bottom to exhilarated at the top:

– Exhilarated

– Very Happy

– Happy

– Content

– Wanting

– Bored

– Unhappy

– Depressed

I think too many people get stuck expecting most of life to be spent on the high end of that scale and so when everyday life doesn’t meet that expectation, they end up unhappier than they should be… and this can spiral into disappointment and depression.

If you aren’t content with everyday events, then you are left wanting more. If your hobbies and interests only bring you joy when you accomplish something, and not in all aspects of the experience, including the challenges, or prep work, or practice, then the joy is fleeting.

In this TikTok, David Bederman describes ‘the surfer’s mentality‘:

Some people only find joy when riding the wave, and not also the paddling out to catch the wave. Some people compare their daily life to the best life of others shared on Facebook and Instagram. Some people don’t consider a chat with a friend, a laugh at a social media post, or an hour spent lost in an engaging activity as happy times. They perceive happiness as more than that. Happiness is fleeting.

Finding happiness in your everyday life is a way to tip the scale in your favour. A way to spend more time on the upper end of the scale, to not measure yourself as less than happy, wanting more, and feeling like less. Expectation of more than this leads to seeking greater peaks, like holidays, adrenaline rides, and unsustainable nights out of entertainment to pull yourself out of wanting more.

Are you waiting for special moments to be happy, or are you looking for happiness in every day life? Are you comparing yourself to others and what they share publicly, or are you seeking moments in the now that can move your daily life to being content with happy moments interspersed throughout the day?

Because the happiness scale isn’t sustainable if you always desire to move up the scale, that expectation leads you further down the scale more often than not. Instead, the happiness scale is sustainable when you find ways to simply be content, and let happiness find you when you are doing the small things that make life interesting, challenging, enjoyable, playful, and fulfilling.

Update

I found this: Why Having Fun Is the Secret to a Healthier Life | Catherine Price | TED

And I was reminded of this recent post: Big lessons from little ones

Wanna bet?

About 5 years ago I made a bet that something specific would happen in Canadian political news within 1 year. 4 years ago I admitted defeat, when it didn’t happen. So, I owed my friend a dinner. Life got busy, covid hit, and I still owed my debt. For the record, I reminded him I owed him this debt far more than he reminded me.

Last night I paid it off… I took my buddy out to a nice dinner. We had a wonderful time, chatting away for hours. And, we had an excellent meal. I have to say that while I don’t like that I was wrong about my prediction and thus lost the bet, it felt great to finally pay off this debt. It actually bothered me that it took so long.

I don’t tend to make a lot of bets, and in fact can’t remember a similar kind of bet made since I made this one 5 years ago. But I’m tempted to make another one like this because here’s the thing, if losing a bet means I get to have dinner with a friend, that’s not a real loss. That said, if I do make a similar bet, I want to win next time. The competition is fun, and win or lose, I’ll have fun, but I’m a bit competitive in nature and so I’d be in it to win it… you can bet on that!

24 years ago

On the 26th of August 1997 I proposed to my wife. Today we celebrate our 24th wedding anniversary. If I were to pick something as my best life decision my proposal to Ann would be it. I remember when we started dating, I was talking to my mom on the phone and told her, “I think I met the girl I’m going to mary, she just doesn’t know it yet.” And while I try to be the best husband I can be, my wife is giving and caring in a way I always aspire to be.

I am blessed, and I hope the next 24 years bring as much or more joy to me, to us, that we have had in the last quarter century. We live in an amazing country with fantastic opportunities for us and our kids. We have two amazing kids that are delightful to watch grow up, and who have grown into fantastic young women. We have great jobs that we love, and a beautiful home. And we have great friends that we both enjoy being around.

Today I don’t just celebrate my anniversary, I celebrate the wonderful lives my wife and I have built together.

Old friends

It doesn’t matter if you haven’t seen each other for months or years, when you connect with long-time friends both time and distance melt away. There is no awkward silence, no getting up to speed, the friendship just moves forward as if it was just yesterday that you last connected.

I don’t have many friends like this, but I cherish the ones that I have. They are my family, just not by blood. As I get older, I value these connections more… Maybe because they happen less frequently, maybe because I see how precious such friendships are. Moments spent with good lifelong friends are moments that accumulate to keep life feeling rich and fulfilled.

The trick is not to wait for special events to get you together. Find opportunities to meet, to holiday, to connect for no other reason than to be together. Special events don’t happen often enough, and while distance and time may disappear when you connect weather it has been a short or long time apart, the longer apart you spend, the less time you’ll have together. So, make the time for the friends that matter.

A shoulder to cry on

This quote is worth sharing. It comes from one of the toughest guys in the mixed martial arts arena right now, Paddy Pimblett:

“There’s a stigma in the world that men can’t talk. Listen, if you are a man and you’ve got weight on your shoulders, and you think the only way you can solve this is by killing yourself, please speak to someone, speak to anyone…

I know I’d rather my mate cry on my shoulder, than go to his funeral next week.

So please, let’s get rid of this stigma, and men start talking.”

My thoughts on suicide are not something I share often, but for me there are two major losses: The obvious one is the death of the person who takes their own life. The second is the loss of living for those left behind… no one survives a suicide, because a small part of those left behind also dies. Guilt, blame, anger, and sadness do not fade easily, and while loved ones survive losing someone to suicide, a part of them dies with the person. In this way, I see suicide as very selfish. The person doesn’t just kill themselves, they kill a small part of everyone they leave behind.

It seems so senseless, and it is preventable. The challenge is that prevention doesn’t always start with those who will be left behind, it often needs to start with the person contemplating suicide reaching out.

I don’t pretend I have answers, and I don’t pretend to know what I’d say to make things better. But I know that talking to someone helps and I for one am willing to listen. Even if all this leads to is talking to someone else that has the knowledge and training to help…

I know I’d rather my mate cry on my shoulder, than go to his funeral next week.

Unscheduled meeting

I got a text message from my buddy Mark this morning:

I figured one of two things, either a fun opportunity or he needed some help, maybe moving some furniture or something? Either way, I responded as soon as I saw the message. I then got invited to go kayaking. And despite having a planned agenda for my day, I agreed and met him an hour later. We had a wonderful couple hours on the water.

This got me thinking about two things: First of all, I don’t see enough of my friends. Secondly, when I do see them it is always an effort to coordinate and plan everything. Besides meeting my buddy Dave weekly to walk up the Coquitlam Crunch then have coffee, I really don’t see anyone unless it is planned well in advance.

Meanwhile, I live in an amazing place with so much to see and do around us, and I almost never take advantage of my location or see my friends.

My advice, call a friend you haven’t seen in a while and connect to go do something. I thank Mark for doing that with me!

Resonance

Strum a guitar near another guitar and the second guitar’s strings start to vibrate.

Jim Rohn says that ‘you are the average of the five friends you hang around with’. This resonates with me. This resonates like the guitar.

Even these words combine to resonate as you read them, some with understanding, some with agreement, some with doubt, some with disagreement… Once read, the words resonate.

What do you do when you come across someone that doesn’t resonate? Do you pluck your own strings harder, louder, so that you drown out the sound the other is creating? Do you try to hear what they resonate with? Do you try to find a way to mutually resonate? Do you leave them be?

We can strive to resonate, or we can choose dissonance. Consensus or conflict. We can create music or noise.

I know that I want to positively resonate with others, but I also find myself seeking dissonance and distance, from those that do not resonate with me. Dissonance when others resonate with hate, and harm others. Distance to showboating, antagonists, and stupidity.

Resonance, dissonance, and distance. There is a time and place for all three… but what I seek, what fills my heart is finding ways to resonate with family, friends, and those that I can assist and support. Seeking resonance fills me with harmony and gratitude, and I’m grateful for all the wonderful people that want to resonate with me.

If I forget

I have a friend who knows everybody. I’m at a loss to remember the last time I was out with him and we didn’t see someone he knew. Doesn’t matter the city or even country we have been together in: San Diego, Cancun, Philadelphia, and local cities in BC. He likely has 3,000 plus people in his phone contacts, and could probably tell you something personal about 2,500 of them, and easily tell you how he knows the other 500. He doesn’t just add them to a pool of people he sort of knows, he can name them.

I’m not like that. I’m way too much of an introvert, and my memory issue with proper nouns makes it such that if I am at a social event and meet more than 2 people, it’s unlikely I’ll remember their names. It’s hard to remember thousands of names when you can’t remember the names of people you already know. I had an issue yesterday where I was with friends and bumped into someone I have known for a few years, and have had several exchanges online with, including 3 days ago, and I couldn’t introduce them. I had to go to a Microsoft Teams conversation to pull his name up.

The weird thing is, if I don’t see him for a couple months and bump into him again in an unexpected place, and especially if I have the added stress of having to introduce him, it’s likely that once again I won’t be able to retrieve his name. This is one of the few areas in my life where I actually feel anxious. I will even forget the names of the people I’m with when it’s time for an introduction.

The most panicked I’ve ever been in my life was when I was a vice principal and at a ‘meet the parent’ night the principal unexpectedly said to the audience, “And now Mr. Truss will introduce the staff.” I made it through but when one of the teachers I knew best was about 3 introductions away, I was completely drawing a blank and I actually started to sweat. When we were done I told him, “Never do that to me again!” and he was taken aback by my response. He and I did a lot of sharing things out and it wasn’t unusual for him to throw me a task like that, so he had no idea of the terror he put me through.

So if we meet and I don’t know your name, it doesn’t mean I don’t know you. It doesn’t mean I didn’t care enough to know your name, it doesn’t mean I didn’t try. If you give me directions and I ask you to remind me where a main/major street is, even if I travel on it regularly, know that I’m not being lazy, I’m actually in an anxious state where my brain is on overdrive, and the name or your name is not retrievable from my memory bank.

If I forget, please be kind and remind me.

Digitally (Dis)connected

One thing that I really enjoy doing is going to conferences. When I go, I learn so much… not just from the sessions, but from conversations that I have while at the conference. Here are three examples from SXSW EDU in Austin back in 2017:

David Jakes

Jeff Richardson



Miguel Guhlin

A decade ago I’d chat with these guys, and other amazing educators regularly on Twitter, and when I’d get to a conference I’d meet them and it was like I was a distant friend that hadn’t seen them in a while… even if it was the first time we met. In fact, I’d meet educators face-to-face for the first time and we’d hug like long lost friends. This conference was only the second time meeting Jeff and we roomed together.

I’ve made some amazing connections through Twitter. It was rich online conversations which built up the social capital and made meeting face-to-face so special. However I’m barely on social media anymore. This blog gets auto-posted to my social accounts, but beyond that I do very little to engage socially with my digital friends.

I got an email from Barbara Bray inviting me to a Breakfast Social she hosts at ISTE, but I’m not going to New Orleans this year. This invite got me thinking about all my digital friends and how disconnected I am from them. Other than Kelly Christopherson and a few others who I connect with on Twitter around daily fitness, I really don’t engage in social media at all. There are so many educators that I used to ‘speak to’ on a daily or weekly basis who I just don’t connect with anymore.

I miss the camaraderie, the conversations, the learning, following links to educational blogs, and the fun banter that was around the early days of Twitter. But I don’t know if it’s just Twitter that changed or if it was me as well? I just hope that when I start heading back to conferences that I’ve built enough social capital that I’ll still feel the amazing connection I have felt in the past when I meet these awesome digital friends face-to-face.

Social gatherings

I went to a friend’s 50th birthday last night. It was a small gathering for dinner, with a delicious meal and some wonderful wine pairings. My daughter volunteered to be our designated driver and so my wife and I let loose a bit more than we usually do. Not so much that I’m paying for it today, but definitely more than has been typical the last couple years.

It made me realize a couple things. First, I prefer one-on-one conversations a lot more than groups. I’m introverted, and knew this about myself already, but even in a small group the noise level made it hard for me to hear well, and tracking a group conversation feels like work. Second, my wife and I don’t make enough effort to socialize. We really should plan more (small) gatherings with people we care about.

It’s one of those things where it feels like a lot of work up front, but the results are a rewarding experience that is worth the effort. It’s easy to get caught up in your own world and forget that there are awesome people out there that make rich company. Friendships don’t build without creating experiences to have with those friends.