Tag Archives: reflection

27 years

Today is my 27th Wedding Anniversary. Including the time we’ve dated, I’ve now spent more than half of my life living with my wife. What a wonderful adventure it has been! I feel blessed to have found such a wonderful person to spend my life with. And together we’ve raised two amazing daughters that I couldn’t be more proud of. Tonight we celebrate as a family, breaking bread together at one of our favourite restaurants. Tomorrow we head off early to go to a funeral of a friend’s parent. The contrast in celebration is stark, and an important reminder to appreciate all that we have, while we still have it.

I’m also days away from my 27th anniversary of being an educator. And here too is a similar contrast, as I plan for this to be my last year before I retire. I don’t leave counting the days, I leave feeling like there is still more work to be done. I leave with a reminder that I’m going to miss this as much as I’m looking forward to the freedom of not working daily.

How did I get to two milestones of 27 years and still feel like things have only just begun? How does time go so quickly? How am I the parent of two adults in their 20’s? My oldest daughter is a quarter of a century old. My young wife and I are both in our late 50’s. She has been an amazing educator for over 30 years. Those just don’t feel like our statistics, those are the stats of older people. I saw a T-shirt on an older man, who rode past me a few days ago, and the message on his shirt said: “It’s weird being the same age as old people.” I haven’t connected so quickly to a T-shirt slogan in a long time.

All that said, today is a day of celebration. The past 27 years have not necessarily been easy, but they certainly have been rewarding and memorable… and I look forward to the next 27 years of finding joy, showing appreciation for what I have, and feeling younger than I am.

Visually acclimatized

I’m sitting in my basement and on the floor in front of me is a framed painting that should be on the wall. It’s one of a pair that used to side-by-side, but they need a couple Velcro strips to get them aligned. Unfortunately the strip unstuck from the one that’s currently on the floor, and I removed it because it looked way too crooked on the wall.

It’s an easy fix, but I haven’t done it yet. It’s interesting that although I’m downstairs a lot, before looking at the painting on the floor just now, I’ve barely noticed the fact that it’s on the floor and missing from next to the matching frame on the wall.

How many things are like that for us? Items sitting inconspicuously in the absolutely wrong spot but we are visually acclimatized to where they sit? We go about our day ignoring the fact that items have a new home in a location they shouldn’t have?

I wonder if that’s the same for our brains and the way we think about things?

Community & Friendship

As I head to retirement, I’ve been thinking a bit about community and friendships.

When I think about my friendships I’ve come to the realization that of the friends I keep in contact with regularly, they all date back to my first few years of teaching (25+ years ago) and before (university and high school). It’s a little shocking to realize that I haven’t added very close friends for the second half of my life. I have great friends and am not actively looking for more, but that’s still a surprising thing to recognize.

I have friends I connect with when I go back to Toronto, one friend from university here in BC that I try to see regularly despite our very different lives and schedules, and then my friends I met in my early teaching career. And in thinking about retirement I’m very interested in fostering community among these friends.

When there isn’t a sport or a club that we are all members of, how do we make sure we connect regularly? What do we do to build community. My university buddy and I try to make sure that we have experiences and don’t just meet to reminisce. Another buddy and I do the Coquitlam Crunch weekly and try to work out at least one more time a week together. My wonder is, what else can I do with friends to ensure we build community, and grow together rather than apart?

If you could turn back time…

If you could turn back time, what would you do differently? I try to live life without regrets. I do my best to think of ways to feel blessed with the choices I’ve made and the life I have lived.

Occasionally, I’ll wish that I travelled more, or that I chose to be a bit more adventurous… but then I wonder if that would have taken me down paths where I didn’t meet my wife, or my best friend, or if I wouldn’t have had my kids.

I don’t know how the road not taken would have diverted me from the life I have? And so I don’t want to turn back time, but instead I want to appreciate the time I have. And that’s why I think I’m going to retire at the end of the next school year.

More on this later, but I wanted to put that out in the universe. I’m not turning back time, but I’m looking to make the time I have left a little more special.

We don’t need more inputs

I heard a quote on a podcast today and I really felt it: The podcast is Jimmy Carr on Chris Willamson’s Modern Wisdom:

“The answers you’re looking for is in the silence you’re avoiding. You need fewer inputs, not more.”

How often do we seek answers externally when what we should be doing is looking inward?

Sphere of control

Do you ever think about the things that consume your thoughts and how much control you have over those things? What are the things that concern you that you can change versus those that you cannot change? And how does that compare to the time spent on these different things?

There’s a difference between living in anxiety and stress versus living a life you design for yourself. Spending time thinking about, and worrying about things beyond your control is anxiety building and stressful. On the other hand, although you might still feel stressed about making good choices and doing the right thing when you have the ability to control the outcome, this is far more empowering. Worrying about what you cannot change is playing victim to circumstance. Whereas, strategizing about doing well with the things you can change is designing your own circumstances.

Sure, there is still room for doubt. Yes, you might make mistakes. It’s possible to worry too much about things you do have control over… but in all these cases the opportunity is there to alter your own destiny. Meanwhile the person perseverating about things they have no control over is punishing themselves with worry and anxiety with no potential for positive outcome.

What’s within your sphere of control? That’s the healthy place to focus your attention.

Will you remember this day?

A day, a week, a month from now…

A year, a decade, a lifetime from now…

Will you remember this day?

When you call a sibling, text a friend, video chat with a kid or a parent…

When you go to a birthday, an anniversary, a reunion…

Will a memory from today come up in conversation?

What separates today from the many days before, now long forgotten?

Of course if every day were truly memorable, it would be unlikely that we could recall them all, and peak experiences do not feel like they are special if they occur every day… but the question still holds, “Will you remember this day?”

If not, what can you do to make it more than just another forgotten day?

Doubling Down

We learn from our mistakes… if we let ourselves.

The problem is that often when we should admit we are wrong we double down, we get defensive, we justify with bias.

Double down or learn. We can’t go both.

Although that’s not totally true. We can do both, just not simultaneously. We can double down in the heat of the moment, reflect later, recognize our error, and make amends, admit our error, and hopefully learn.

But learning is a whole lot easier, and less confrontational, when we can admit our error before putting our back up and defending it.

It’s not just better for us, it’s better for everyone around us… and we learn, and grow, and maybe spend a little less time doubling down to defend our errors in the future.

Fruits of labour

I started my current health & fitness routines in January, 2019. Six plus years later I can really see and feel the results. But if I go back 2 or 3 years, I’d have said that progress felt slow. It was.

Slow, and steady, and other than when I herniated a disc and was in pain for several months (unrelated to my working out), always in the right direction. In other words for almost the full 6 years I’ve seen steady progress. Now at 57, I’m the strongest I’ve ever been. My cardio was better in my 20’s when I was training in the gruelling sport of water polo, but even now my cardio is quite good.

My point is that too often we look for the fast results and the quick fixes. Seldom do we accept that healthy progress is built on good habits over long periods of time. The quest for instant results is unrealistic, and often results in inconsistent outcomes or fluctuations between improvements and losses of gains.

Good habits, consistency, and a willingness to keep going even when the results aren’t immediately obvious are whet leads to long term progress. In the end the real progress, the real fruits of your labour, are the lifestyle changes that keep you feeling young and healthy. You are on a marathon not a sprint. Work on your habits and routines and the results will come over time.

Reflections of China

Living in China for two years, from 2009-2011, I was surprised by how market-driven the economy was. I was surprised by the brightness of the cities at night. And I was surprised by the focus on growth and development.

The running joke was that the national bird of China was the building crane. I remember being downtown in Dalian, a ‘small city of 6 million’, (as the city was described to me), the first time I heard this national bird joke. From where I stood, looking to the sky I counted 11 building cranes. The construction of new buildings seemed to be everywhere. The Superintendent of schools that I worked with lived in a very nice neighbourhood near the ocean. Her high rise apartment building had less than 25% occupancy, and yet there were 6 or 7 other high rises being built near her building.

And everywhere you turned downtown, there were shops, underground markets, and in the narrow side streets pop-up markets with items on sale. Go to the fancy mall and buy a $3,000 original name brand bag, or go to the underground markets and get a similar in quality knockoff for $200, or go to the pop-up market and get a similar but much cheaper, lower quality bag for $25.

I should note that when I say ‘underground markets’ I am not speaking metaphorically. I’m talking about entire shopping malls under the city. Floors of sub-terrain buildings under the buildings. These underground markets are often the only place you can find grocery stores. First floor stores are too real estate rich for a grocery store, so these are always one floor down.

Public transit was cheap and efficient. Restaurants were affordable too. Starbucks cost as much or more than here in Canada, but in China you always have to pay well for Western comforts and amenities. The desire for status is as strong there as anywhere in the world.

When I was hired it was by the outgoing superintendent, who had the job for 17 years. I remember him sharing a story with me on my first visit the June before moving there. We were being driven from the city to the suburb of Jinshitan where the big high school was located. We were driving through Kaifaqu, and he told me, “When I started here 17 years ago the road here was a pothole filled dirt road through a tiny village, and now it’s a city of 1 million people.” Imagine moving from a village to a high rise filled city in 17 years. I would not have believed it was possible anywhere else, but having lived there I know it’s possible in China.

Until recently, most people didn’t have a sense of the scale and the development of China. But in recent weeks there has been a flood of information on social media that has made it possible for people to see what life in China is like. And the reality is that while there is poverty there, it’s probably much worse in North America. While the middle class is different, the economic reality for a middle class in China is probably better than the debt-ridden middle class in the west. And the infrastructure and cost of transportation is incredibly less in China than almost anywhere else in the world, with faster and more efficient travel.

Add to this the most sophisticated electronics and manufacturing industry anywhere in the world and China is an international powerhouse that will shock most people who have illusions of China being a developing country. I can say that even 15 years ago it was farther ahead than people imagined, and in China 15 years of advancement is equivalent to 50 in most other countries. It will be the dominant economic force in the world if it isn’t already.