Tag Archives: kindness

Career spanning wisdom

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When I shared this story with my Principal and Vice Principal colleagues this morning, I joked that I’d blogged about it previously. However, while I was able to find a couple references to the story, I realized after a search of my blogs that I have not shared the full story before.

This morning was our final face-to-face meeting of the year, and our assistant superintendents shared a few words about retirees before each retiree got a chance to say something. I shared this story.

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It was early on in my teaching career, long before I knew if I’d ever get into administration, and so I didn’t know the impact this conversation would have on me.

I was teaching a class about 10-15 minutes after lunch when a good student, Garrett, showed up at my door. He didn’t show up after lunch and I just assumed he signed out, this is not a kid who would skip a class. I looked up at him as if to ask ‘Where were you?’ And his face sunk as he said, “I got in trouble.”

We had the attention of the whole class and I didn’t want him to have to share what happened in front of everyone. “Have a seat,” I said, “We’ll talk about it later,” and then I caught him up on what he missed. The day ended and I totally forgot to follow up with him, so around 4pm I headed down to the office to learn about what Garrett had done.

When I got down to the office our Vice Principal, Gary Kern, was just finishing up with a student. I didn’t teach this student, but I knew of him. In fact, just a couple months before this, I saw this student being arrested with a man, who I think was his dad, outside of a neighbourhood grocery store. As this student walked out of the office, Gary trailed behind him, shaking his head with a bit of an exasperated expression on his face.

I asked what Garrett got in trouble for? Gary said it wasn’t a big deal, he and a friend were horsing around at lunch and Garrett pushed his friend, who fell back and hit his head on a tree. It was witnessed by a noon-hour supervisor who brought the kids to the office, and the only follow up was an apology. Then Gary said something and I carried this ‘lesson’ with me for my entire career.

Gary said, “This job has taught me a new respect for the kid I’d never want to be.”

He continued, ‘Your kid, Garrett, I’d trade lives with him… Good family, respectful, plays hockey, good friends.’

‘…This other kid? No way I’d want his life. This job teaches you to provide a kid, who you’d never switch lives with, with forgiveness, understanding, and respect, because if you wouldn’t want to be them, they deserve a break.’

I know my colleagues understood this when I shared it with them. I went on to share how this impacted me. And I thanked all of my colleagues for their understanding of this idea. I thanked them for not treating kids like life is baseball and knowing when a kid deserves more than 3 strikes. I thanked them for being a student’s advocate and for treating a kid with dignity and respect, even when the kid’s parent didn’t treat them the same way. I thanked them for all they do to support the needs of the students in their community, and thus making our entire community better.

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I can’t tell you how many times I thought of this conversation with Gary in my career, but I will say that this was a frame of reference that I held with me, and reminded myself of time and again. It gave me strength when I felt frustrated. It allowed me deal with angry people, and to not take a kid’s attitude personally.

Now, at the end of my career, I can say that Gary was absolutely correct, “This job has taught me a new respect for the kid I’d never want to be.” Because that’s the kid that needs us to be their advocate.

Own it

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We all make mistakes. Sometimes we say or do things that we might believe is true or that we think is right, and instead we were wrong. No one is immune. Everyone errs at some point.

But not everyone understands an apology:

“I’m sorry that you didn’t understand me.”

“I made a mistake but…”

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

“I was just joking.”

“You’re overreacting.”

“I didn’t mean it that way.”

“Ok, ok, I’m sorry, are you happy now? “

None of these are an apology. None of these accept real responsibility. If you really want to apologize, own it, don’t justify or belittle it. Own it. Or be a jerk and don’t apologize, because apologies that are excuses or explanations make you a bigger jerk.

Own it. Own your mistakes. And while you are at it, you’ll probably earn some respect.

_____

Related: ‘3 parts to an apology’

We are ONE

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One of my favourite ancient texts is the Tao Te Ching. In it ‘The Way’ cannot be named, because to name it is to separate it from itself, to identify a part rather than the whole.

Jesus said, “God’s kingdom is coming, but not in a way that you will be able to see with your eyes. People will not say, ‘Look, here it is!’ or, ‘There it is!’ because God’s kingdom is within you.”

Rumi said, “You are not a drop in the ocean, you are the entire ocean in a drop.”

The ancients understood the interconnectedness of everything.

I think the best metaphor for this is also the scientific equivalent… everything in the universe is a wave. Do you want to know something really interesting about a wave? Move deeper in, away from the turbulent shore of an ocean and watch a wave approaching you. The water doesn’t travel with the wave. The wave travels, but the water itself only ebbs and flows, rises and falls. The water molecules at the tip of a wave 30 feet away from you don’t reach you when the wave does, it essentially stays 30 feet away from you as the wave travels your way. The wave is ‘one’ with the ocean.

This interconnectedness is everywhere, and we are learning more and more about these connections. Some things we’ve known for a very long time because they are easily observable, like how women who live together will have their menstrual cycle synchronize. Some things are more recently discovered, like how trees will communicate and share food through mycelium, even across species to keep the forest strong. We are all connected. Life is all connected.

And yet humans fight over things that divide us. Things like borders, religion, politics, social status, and ideology. We choose not to see connections, but differences. We choose to ignore the messages in our ancient texts, and find reasons to ‘other’ those that are not like us.

We rather get lost in turbulence than recognize we are all part of the same ocean, all riding the ebb and flow of the same wave.

“Those who are right do not argue. Those who argue are not right.” ~Tao Te Ching

What will it take to recognize that we are all one… and that the arguing needs to stop?

Abnormally Normal

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If I wanted to make light of the sense I’m feeling, I’d say that I feel ‘a disturbance in the force’. Or I’d reference that meme of a dog in a house fire, sitting at a table having coffee, as if the world is fine.

But the new normal is not normal. The dichotomy of politics, the hatred between religious extremists, the focus on vengeance and public shaming in social media, police violence against citizens, the inability to share middle-ground opinions without fear of being ‘othered’ by both sides of the political dichotomy… it’s like we’ve slipped into a dystopian movie, and we are left wondering if this is real life?

It is.

We are bearing witness. We are seeing the collapse of modern society. Sovereignty used to matter, it doesn’t matter anymore. Neighbourly love used to matter, it doesn’t anymore. The rule of law used to matter, it doesn’t anymore. Civility, etiquette, respect, and even kindness used to matter, they don’t matter anymore.

And yet in our day-to-day not much is different. We can rant because we don’t like what we see, or we can move forward blissfully and blind to the world beyond our own existence. Our tolerances vary, but the shenanigans that alter what’s normal in society seem to slip greater into the abnormal without us being able to influence it in any way.

Pick a decade after WWII and tell me how it was more abnormal than what we are seeing today. I can’t.

When I say, “We are seeing the collapse of modern society,” I am not being hyperbolic. I’ve only mentioned social/political abnormalities, without mentioning climate change, microplastics, artificial intelligence, or even cost of living and the decline of the middle class. Factor all these things in and the new normal is anything but normal. Except that’s exactly the point… somehow this is what normal is.

Make the average better

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There is a saying that I love, which goes like this:

‘You are the average of the people you spend the most time with.’

I’ve seen it over and over again at school. Take a kid who’s floundering, put them in a friend group that is doing well, and suddenly that kid is also doing well. Inversely, put a smart, good kid in a friend group with kids that don’t care about school, and watch that kid’s marks (and attitude) fall.

Entire classes can be influenced this way and in a small community minded school, we’ve seen how a culture of getting work done and showing pride in caring for our school and our community has been contagious.

Going back to the quote, it’s mathematically impossible that everyone could be the average of the 5 people around them… but there is no doubt that those around you have tremendous influence regarding how you act, and what you value. And the power in the quote is as much about what you do to that average as it is what others do to that average.

Be someone who increases the average. Be someone who finds ways to make the people you surround yourself with better. This simple act will increase the average for everyone and generate a positive feedback loop. After a while, you and your friends will never be just average again.

A dignified ending

I had a wonderful chat with a family member yesterday. She has a nursing background and is taking a course to become an end-of-life doula. In her words, we spend a lot of time helping to bring someone into this world, but don’t often give enough thought to that kind of support for people leaving this world. She also said something that stuck with me… we are very thoughtful and compassionate about caring for our pets end of life, more so than we are with humans.

When we see a pet suffering, we want to end that suffering. When a family member is suffering, we want them to hang on, to stay strong, and to endure for just a little longer. It makes me wonder, is this love and kindness or selfishness? Are we holding on for their sake or our own?

It’s one thing to want to end a life unnecessarily early, when counselling, support, and opportunities and potential for better days lay ahead… and yet another for someone with a painful and terminal illness. For the latter, there can be opportunities to make the process dignified and maybe even joyful.

In thinking about diseases of the mind, like Alzheimer’s, I wouldn’t want my family having to care for me while I can’t even remember them. If I had terminal cancer and was in pain every day, I would not want to drag out my end of life simply to prolong my daily suffering.

I can see a lot of value in an end-of-life doula to put the inevitable process of dying into perspective. To help provide not just support to a dying person but also to the family they leave behind. The process is not easy, and having kind and thoughtful support at such a stressful time is probably something many people would benefit from.

Hopefully I won’t be needing one any time soon, but it’s nice to know that there are people out there willing to provide caring palliative support to people in the same loving way we would provide end of life care for the animals we love.

Unselfish Giving

I have a family member who isn’t a doctor but has volunteered to go help doctors provide surgeries in a rural part of a poor country, where the locals can’t afford or don’t have access to some of these lifesaving procedures. It will be a very rewarding experience, but it’s also something that won’t feel like a vacation. It will be challenging, especially during triage when some patients will be turned away. Still, I know that this will be a very rewarding experience for her.

That’s the amazing thing about unselfish giving. The reward is worth the sacrifice. Unselfish giving is innately rewarding. On the other hand selfish giving comes with an expectation of reward: Accolades, attention, recognition, appreciation. These things might also come with unselfish giving, but they aren’t expected. And for an unselfish giver, there is no false modesty in receiving recognition, in fact there might even be embarrassment.

The difference between unselfish and selfish giving is in the external expectations. Selfish giving needs the external reward and unselfish giving only requires internal rewards. Both can get the external rewards, however when the selfish giver doesn’t get them, they feel cheated and less joyful, whereas the unselfish giver can receive no external rewards or attention and be equally if not more joyful for not having to face the unwanted attention.

Ironically whether a kindness is given for selfish or unselfish reasons, a good is still being done. And recognition is probably deserved either way. It’s only when the recognition isn’t received that the true value of giving unselfishly really shows up.

In the end, I believe that unselfish giving is inherently more rewarding, more joyful, and more fulfilling. But motives are not that important as long as good is being done… and so if someone wants praise for doing something good, well, do the unselfish thing and give it to them.

What I wouldn’t do

What would you do if you were a God? That’s a challenging question. An easier question is what wouldn’t you do?

Here is what I wouldn’t do:

  • I wouldn’t wait thousands or hundreds of thousands of years to present myself to my ‘subjects’. (Or I would wait longer so that my message could spread more easily, and in high definition.)
  • I wouldn’t root my religion in superstitions about the natural world.
  • I wouldn’t write my holy book with references to social norms and practices that will date themselves and become embarrassingly outdated.
  • I wouldn’t introduce my religion to only one geographical location and leave many others clueless to my existence. (If I did pick just one geographical location, I’d choose one where my subjects were the most literate and able to share my words more consistently and precisely.)
  • I wouldn’t punish my subjects for being unbelievers, I would let their good or bad actions be the measure of their right to eternal life after death.
  • I wouldn’t expect obedience, I could have created slaves rather than self-conscious beings if obedience was really important to me.
  • I wouldn’t want anyone to fight expansionist wars in my name. Why pit my subjects against each other? This seems a bit egotistical for a god!

I’m not wise enough to list all the things I would do, without contradicting myself or being in some way myopic, selfish, or egotistical… that said, I could probably get together with a team of thoughtful people and improve on any and all holy texts. It would take equal or less effort compared to the apologists who defend and justify the contradictions in these texts, rather than admitting that a wise and benevolent God would never had allowed such poorly written scriptures to be written either by Him or in His name.

I have not yet seen a scripture or text written to this day that I believe a benevolent and loving God would have written. But there are many holy texts that such a kind and worthy-of-worship God would never have written.

Idiots, cruelty, and kindness

Sometimes I hear something and I think, ‘I wish I said that’. This video ends that way. It doesn’t start that way, I almost stopped listening, but I’m glad I waited past the comedy to get to the real message.

“Empathy and compassion are evolved states of being.”

And so,

“…the kindest person in the room is often the smartest.”

Prove your intelligence. Be kind.

Left unsaid

I was having a conversation with my daughter yesterday and I mentioned a podcast I was listening to with Dr. Daniel Amen. The point I shared with her was how Dr. Amen talks about killing ANTs… Automatic Negative Thoughts. My daughter liked that idea and added something she has been working on, which is, “Don’t let a positive thought go unsaid.”

I really like this idea and think I’m going to work on the same.

How often do we complain about bad customer service, but we just appreciate good customer service, yet leave those thoughts unsaid?

How often do we get frustrated with a loved one or a coworker who doesn’t do what we expect them to do, but don’t really value them when they do a little extra?

How often do we focus on ANTs, but leave our positive thoughts unsaid?