Tag Archives: family

Grad Month

Today I went to my youngest daughter’s university graduation. Earlier this week I went to our Indigenous Grade 12 Honouring Ceremony, and in two weeks I have two more school grads to go to.

I am not big on pomp and ceremony, but I do like graduation celebrations. It’s a rite of passage, an honouring of the work a student has done, a recognition of accomplishment. It doesn’t matter if a student eked out a pass or graduated with honours and distinction, they did what they needed to do to cross the stage. They get to say, ‘This part of my journey is complete.” And family are there to join in the celebration. Their peers are there crossing the stage with them.

Speeches are often filled with cliches, even the good ones, but that ok. The event is not about the people who get to speak, it’s about honouring the people who completed a task they set out to do, and who are moving on to new adventures. But first they get to cross the stage, they get to shake some hands and be told ‘Congratulations’, and they get to be the center of positive attention.

If I could share one thing with grads, it’s to enjoy the moment. It’s just a single moment to celebrate a long journey, so enjoy it, and feel… actually feel the sense of accomplishment. You did it, and now you get to cross the stage. It doesn’t matter what’s next in that moment, it only matters that you set out to do something and you did it. You graduated!

Just a call away

Today I saw a sunset in Greece. It was hours ago, and although the sun hasn’t set here yet, my daughter is on a Greek island and she FaceTime’d me. The photo shared above is from a Snapchat she shared just before calling. She was on a balcony at her hostel, and we chatted for a few minutes while her friends got ready to go to dinner.

When my wife did a similar backpacking trip 30 years ago she spoke to her parents by collect call each time she was heading to or arrived in another country and that would be it for contact for days if not longer than a week. For this trip my wife is in contact with our kid almost daily, even if just by WhatsApp chat. She checks in with her dad a little less frequently, knowing I get the updates from my wife.

Time zones are the only challenge to communication. As I’m writing this at 7:30pm here, and it’s 5:30am in Greece. But beyond that, it’s pretty awesome that we can stay connected… for free with a simple wifi connection. This shouldn’t still amaze me but it does. It would take me 14.5 hours including a layover to get to her, but I can see her ‘live’ on my phone with the only challenge being what time we go to sleep.

Makes me think, who else is just a call away, but I haven’t made the effort?

14 years ago

I shared this on my Pair-a-Dimes blog, May 13th, 2009:

— — — —

Sometimes you can’t just take baby steps, and you’ve got to commit fully to experience something…

I’m leaving my job, my home, and my country.

I have just accepted a Principal’s position in Dalian China for September. My wife will be teaching at the school and my daughters will be attending it. We weren’t actually looking for different jobs, they found us several years after my wife and I had applied to a number of International Schools for teaching positions. A path opened up before us… it wasn’t the planned path, but it was certainly worth investigating.

I can’t describe the turmoil my wife and I went through deciding whether or not we should uproot our family, and leave great jobs, friends and colleagues that we care about. Then finally we asked ourselves a simple question, “If we don’t do this, will we regret it later?” The answer was ‘Yes’.

And now that the decision is made, I am so excited about the new adventure!

— — — —

My close friends, my principal, and my assistant superintendent were told about my plan before publishing this, but I know it was an unusual way to share such information back then. Nowadays people expect to hear about things like this on Facebook or on other social media platforms, but that was far from the norm in 2009.

I remember an acquaintance saying to me at a meeting a week later, “So I had to read your blog to know you were taking off on us.” This perturbed me a bit because first of all we didn’t have the relationship where I’d be ‘informing’ him of this news in the first place, and secondly, I was sure he never read my blog and it was either shared with him or he just heard about it.

That was a different time. Looking back, and reading the comments I realize that I had amazing connections from my district, the province, and the rest of Canada, the US, South America, Australia, New Zealand, and China commenting. But I had many people in my district that thought it was completely weird that I’d share something like this on my blog. Meanwhile outside of a small but amazing group of local friends, it was my blogging and tweeting community that was genuinely excited for me.

They also stuck with me, reading and commenting on my blog and sharing in my China adventures.

I often say that I live my life without regrets, but if I had just one it would be that I wish I had travelled more when I was younger. This China trip opened up a world of experiences and holidays that I never would have had if my wife and I hadn’t realized how much we would regret not taking this trip.

My oldest daughter just finished an 8-month assistant teaching job in France and is currently holidaying in Greece, having just left Croatia, and is having exactly the kind of experience I wish I had at her age.

There’s a saying, that says, “No matter where you go there you are.” And I totally understand this sentiment… you can’t run away from yourself. But international travel creates contexts, experiences, and exposure to cultural differences that opens up your eyes and expose you to opportunities to grow in a way that’s hard to do ‘at home’.

We couldn’t have had the opportunities we did as a family had we not taken the plunge and moved to China… I would do it all over again if I had a chance!

Recipes from the soul

One of my favourite cooking quotes is, “Don’t ever let a recipe tell you how much garlic to put in. You measure that with your heart.”

I come from a family where recipes are impossible to follow.

Asking my mom how much of a spice to add, she shakes an imaginary spice bottle in a circle saying, “Go twice around the pot.”

My sister is cooking a recipe while on the phone helping our cousin’s wife cook the same recipe (and my sister is measuring for the first time to help): ‘Put a teaspoon (of a spice) in.’ Then once she adds the teaspoon herself, “No, that’s not enough, put another teaspoon in.”

My grandmother in her Guyanese accent, “Ya put a pinch a dis, a dash a dat” Or, “Cut-up some onion and mix it up with da same amount a garlic.”

“How much exactly?”

“Da same amount, not too much, not too little.”

As a result, I never follow a recipe:

A teaspoon of garlic? That can’t be enough!

A pinch of black pepper? Do you mean per serving?

Parsley? And no cilantro, that has to be a mistake!

Why isn’t there ginger in this recipe?

Hoisin sauce would make this rice stir fry recipe so much better.

Ground beef? I think I’ll just cut open a couple spicy Italian sausages and use use them instead.

I don’t really like to cook, but when I do, I don’t measure anything exactly as a recipe says. I don’t stick to the ‘suggested’ items list. I choose and measure items with my heart and soul.

My brother-in-law gave me some advice once, he said, “Follow a recipe exactly as suggested the first time, there’s a reason that exact recipe made it into the cookbook. Then if you don’t like it, change it up.”

Great advice… I just can’t follow it, and I blame my family! 😜

Nuggets of happiness

My dad passed away last week. Today we did the paperwork at the crematorium, and we’ll do a family gathering in the fall. He had a stroke while I was visiting over the March break and he never left the hospital after that.

While at the hospital, my youngest sister was staying with dad late one night and she was feeling hungry. She said to him, “I’m heading down to Tim Hortons, do you want anything?”

My dad responded, “No thanks, are you going to get some nuggets of happiness?”

Puzzled, my sister asked, “Do you mean Timbits?

Dad smiled and nodded ‘Yes’.

Nuggets of happiness. This is a great metaphor for coping with my father’s death. There are a lot of emotions, and a lot to deal with. There is great sadness. But then there are also those moments of fond, joyful, and humorous times that I’ll enjoy remembering. Little nuggets to love. Little nuggets that remind me he is still with me as long as I choose to remember.

I don’t think I’ll ever eat a Timbit again without remembering my dad.

And while there are many other emotions right now, I know the memories I cherish, the memories I will share with my mother, my siblings, my wife, my kids, and even grandkids in the future, will bring me joy and happiness.

2 minutes of silent sunrise

Today is my first day without a father on this planet. I’m glad I got to see him in March because he died 15 minutes before I got on my flight to Toronto. Here’s a beautiful sunrise I got to see on the flight.

I’m m with my family now, although just one sister is awake. It will be good to spend a bit of time with my mom and sisters.

Enjoy the sunrise, appreciate what you’ve got, hug your family.

Time in, time out

There is a certain wisdom that comes with age, with the passing of years and the recognition that more than half your life has passed. I’m not talking about how my days are numbered or anything like that, but rather that the time we have left is worth something. So how do we use our time? What do we put time into… and what do we get out of that time?

I have a good job that is in the service of others. I get good job satisfaction out of my work, but I also put a lot of my time into my work. I have an awesome family that I’d like to spend a bit more time with… and do, like our recent vacation to Spain. I have a small group of friends that I definitely want to spend more time with. I have a weekly walk and coffee with a friend, and I have regular events (plays & musicals) where my wife and I go out with 2 other couples we are close to. I have some awesome connections to my wife’s family and we meet for events like a dinner this long weekend. Beyond that I really don’t make time for friendships, and when I do it feels like an effort.

As I get older I’m seeing that the effort to connect with friends and family is vitally important. Vitally as in it fosters vitality. I spend so little time making the effort to connect to others I care about, but those connections are worth the effort. And if you don’t put the time in, you don’t get the reward out. My circle of friends is small, and I don’t want it any smaller. I need to make more time to connect to people whom I value… and who value me.

I need to make the time, because to quote a Canadian band, ‘They say, absence makes the heart grow fungus‘. If I don’t make the effort now, I’m probably not going to make it later, and friendships do not grow stronger out of time apart. New experiences with old friends: that’s what I need more of in my life. And these don’t happen unless someone is making an effort to connect… and more and more I’m realizing that I’m the one that needs to make the effort; to put the time in.

Tattoo number two

It took me over 15 years from the first time I thought about it to finally getting my second tattoo. About 16 or 17 years ago I jammed my ring finger playing basketball and I had issues getting my ring on and off. But when I tried a wider ring I couldn’t close the gap between my ring and pinky fingers and that drove me crazy. So I didn’t wear a ring.

When my wife surprised me for my 40th birthday with a trip to Vegas, I decided one night that I was going to get a ring tattoo. It was a 3am decision and we couldn’t find a place that was open. I tried again one late night in Vancouver, years later. No luck. I was going to go again when covid hit, and that delayed things.

On our recent trip to Barcelona my wife and daughters got tattoos and I had one picked out, but we arrived at the tattoo parlour 40 minutes before closing and they didn’t have time for me after my family got theirs…

It seemed like I was never going to get this tattoo!

Then this past March break I booked an appointment with my friend’s daughter who is a tattoo artist… and I had to cancel when I ended up staying in Toronto longer than originally expected. And now, finally, I got it done! 15+ years in the planning and here it is:

The original rough sketch had two lines going completely around my finger but I didn’t like the way it broke up the first triangle so I left it out at the last minute, knowing it could be added if I didn’t like it as-is. However I really do like it and I’m glad I left that line out. Symbolically, the front triangle is for my wife and the two behind are for my daughters.

I know finger tattoos tend to fade, especially on the palm side, but I wanted the full circle and I’ll let it fade over time naturally. Maybe I’ll get it touched up when I get my 3rd tattoo… but at this rate that could be a decade or two away! 😜

Parting is such sweet sorrow

It’s my last night in Toronto. While I’ll still talk to my parents regularly, and have a WhatsApp chat with my sisters that we use frequently, I find it hard to say goodbye.

It makes me wish I spent more time with my daughters too.

Looking back, I think there are many opportunities to make more of the time we have with family richer. We just don’t realize it when we are younger. But no matter your age, take the time while you have it, and make the most of it.

Relations over time

I connected with a cousin yesterday. The last time I saw her was at my sister’s wedding 25 years ago. I saw her at 16 and then not again until 41. She’s married, has an 8 year old son, and has been working at the same company for 20 years.

I grew up surrounded by cousins. A typical Friday night at my grandparents could be a gathering of 16-20 with half of them being kids. A couple cousins who didn’t live in the province would come and visit for 4-6 weeks in the summer. As we grew up, we saw less and less of everyone. Then I took off from Toronto to Vancouver 30 years ago so rarely see any cousins including, (I must admit embarrassingly), one who only lives a 45 minute drive away.

When I consider how many really great cousins, aunts, and uncles I have, it makes me a bit sad that I’m not as connected to them as I used to be. I also appreciate that I had such a rich experience growing up surrounded by cousins. Not everyone has that opportunity.