What if forgiveness prevailed?

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I think the two most noblest of traits are compassion and forgiveness.
Compassion because it links us to others in a way that we lose ourselves.
Forgiveness because more than any other trait, it can not be faked
and true forgiveness is to see love even in the faults of others.
5 years ago I wrote about 7 sins:
  1. Gluttony
  2. Envy
  3. Pride
  4. Lust
  5. Wrath
  6. Greed
  7. Sloth

And in a concluding post I said that I was going to share 7 virtues. I haven’t done that yet, maybe one day I will. The virtues I chose at that time were:

  1. Love (including Chastity and Loyalty)
  2. Discipline (including Patience, not just Diligence or Temperance)
  3. Empathy (including Compassion)
  4. Integrity (including Honour and Courage)
  5. Kindness (including Charity),
  6. Humility
  7. Forgiveness

I remember intentionally putting Forgiveness last because I wanted to end with the noblest of virtues. I put Forgiveness on this pedestal because I think you can ‘go through the motions’ of the other virtues, but not forgiveness. You can virtue signal, intentionally or unintentionally, with the other virtues and have those virtues develop, but when it comes to forgiveness there simply isn’t an easy way to act it and have it grow. For example, you can do loving things towards someone, and eventually develop a love for that person. You can fake discipline and after a while that practice become disciplined. But if you aren’t truly forgiving, if you have hesitations, then they will be revealed… You can’t fake forgiveness. It doesn’t grow with time. You are either open to it, or you aren’t. You can half love someone, you can’t half forgive someone.

That said, I’ll hold off on discussing other virtues for a future date. Right now I am looking at a world where forgiveness is a lost art. Vengeance is everywhere. People want to say, ‘I told you so’. Social media is all over FAFO. Changing your mind (especially in US politics) isn’t met with compassion, nor forgiveness, but rather finger-waving and anger. The amount of variations of, “Oh sure, you only realize now that it affects your life”, that I’ve heard on social media posts is disconcerting. There is no room for forgiveness.

I understand why. Forgiveness is the ultimate virtue and not easy to attain. It requires love, empathy, and kindness. It is an affront to integrity, and the humility shared by those that did harm seldom seems like it’s enough to warrant forgiveness. Forgiveness is hard to fake and even harder to authentically give.

However, forgiveness is the best way to build a stronger bond than was there before. It is a place where real change can happen. The danger is that is also makes the forgiver more vulnerable to be hurt again. It requires trust. That’s what makes it so difficult to give.

Currently, I see a window of opportunity for real change to happen. I see hurt and disillusioned people openly admitting that they made a mistake. But I don’t see compassion. I don’t see forgiveness. I see hurt creating a gulf between the people who seek forgiveness and those who could, but do not forgive. And while I understand the hurt, while I see the fear of forgiving and being hurt again, I also see a golden opportunity being missed. Where there has been a great divide, there can be agreement. Where there has been opposing factions, there can be common ground. Where there has been arguments and yelling, there can be dialogue and discussion.

At this perilous time I have but one question: What if forgiveness prevailed?

Work lurks

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I have gotten a lot better at leaving work at work over the last few years. I’d happily stay at work some days past 5:30 or 6pm, knowing that when I go home I can let things go until I arrive back at work the next day. That never used to be the case. I used to regularly respond to emails and continue to work well into the night.

What started to change this for me was my Vampire Rule for Email that I started for my staff, essentially never contacting them for anything work related after 6pm (unless like if I was a vampire, they invited me in… If they emailed me a question for example). After doing this for a few years, I realized I deserved the same courtesy. So, I’d stay at work a bit longer, knowing that if I was caught up enough on important matters, everything else could wait until the next day.

It’s a little different in the summer, when I’m off for so long. Today I looked at my growing unread emails, and realized there are a few things I need to deal with. Today I did a few quick ones, but I’ve got a few that need a more thoughtful or time consuming responses. Now it’s in my head and I know that if I don’t deal with them tomorrow, I’m going to spend some mental energy thinking about the fact that I need to respond.

Essentially, I either deal with it quickly, or work just lurks in my brain rent free, with niggling reminders that there is stuff I need to do. Because I don’t have an official work day coming up anytime soon, the idea that there is work on my plate stays on my plate and on my mind until I get it done. My choices are get it done tomorrow morning or think about it the whole weekend.

I’m definitely better at letting go and having mental breaks during the school year, but on holidays I still need to do these mental gymnastics to keep work from lurking in my mind when I should be enjoying my break.

A house of cards

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It’s amazing just how high you can build a house of cards. But the challenge is that no one stops building, it’s too enticing to keep going. And so eventually the cards collapse.

I think the cards are about to fall. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking. Maybe it’s just the top layer that will fall and then it will be rebuilt. But I have a hunch that it’s the base that is crumbling. And you can’t build a house of cards without a strong base.

And finally, if you even remotely think I’m talking about a deck of playing cards, you are mistaken.

It’s your job

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I heard a great quote today, ‘Nobody will ever love you exactly the way you want… Because that’s your job.’

It reminds me of an insightful question, “Would you hang out with a person who speaks to you the way you speak to yourself?’

We can be our own worst critics, and yet it costs us nothing to appreciate ourselves rather than put ourselves down. That doesn’t mean that we don’t strive to be better. It’s not about accepting mediocrity. It is however an opportunity for us to find value and appreciation in who we are and what we accomplish.

It starts with acceptance, and ultimately self-love. There are enough critics in the world, it doesn’t make sense that the one you hear the most is yourself. It’s ultimately your job to love you first. And when you’ve humbly, yet sincerely achieved that, the love of others is sure to follow.

Understanding the grind

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It’s the holidays and I’ve got some commitments keeping me home right now. I’ve been taking a few more social media breaks than I have when working, and right now my algorithm is feeding me some fantastic video clips about athletes really pushing themselves to great feats.

As well, I’ve seen interviews of people in their late 60’s and early 70’s who are in fantastic shape. It’s wonderful to see men and women who are older than me and crushing it when it comes to fitness. Then I’ve also got a buddy my age who recently crushed the Grouse Grind, a gruelling uphill climb, who took about 8-9 minutes off of his time last year. Totally awesome.

I’m willing to bet that each of these stories started in their teens. The majority of 50+ people who are pushing their physical fitness are people who played some sort of competitive sport in their early years. They may not have been the best, they might not have competed in the top tier, but they learned how to push their body at a young age. They learned what it means to grind.

The fierceness might not be there anymore. The competitiveness might have waned. But they get what it means to push past the pain, to not quit because things got hard. To endure now for benefits later.

I’m sure there are some people that can get to this place later in their years, but for most people the learned work ethic and drive begins as a kid. And if that kid learns how to go all out and still give more when they feel like they have nothing left… They will take that with them for the rest of their lives.

Guiding students forward

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Watch this leadership lesson I just found on Instagram:

I can’t help but think about how important this is not just in business/leadership roles, but also in teaching. The best teachers guide students. Teachers are the compass: “A compass doesn’t point the way, it points north and guides the student on their own journey.”

We lose sight of learning when we focus on teaching courses and not students. We lose our bearings when the curriculum is more important than the learner. We are completely lost when we teach to the test.

Watch the video again, and think of the times you led a challenging student rather than faced off with them. Like the time you put the ‘trouble-maker’ in charge because you had to leave the room for a couple minutes… knowing he would keep things in line for you but would cause problems if a peer was left in charge of him. Or the time you metaphorically threw a lesson out the window because students felt lost and you were not getting the learning across. Or when you sat with a kid to do 5 homework questions, letting them know that if they did that with you, they wouldn’t have to do any of the remaining homework.

Are you the guiding compass or the bossy captain? Are you facilitating learning or trying to push learning down their throats? Are you building resistance and conflict or resilience and trust?

If you could turn back time…

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If you could turn back time, what would you do differently? I try to live life without regrets. I do my best to think of ways to feel blessed with the choices I’ve made and the life I have lived.

Occasionally, I’ll wish that I travelled more, or that I chose to be a bit more adventurous… but then I wonder if that would have taken me down paths where I didn’t meet my wife, or my best friend, or if I wouldn’t have had my kids.

I don’t know how the road not taken would have diverted me from the life I have? And so I don’t want to turn back time, but instead I want to appreciate the time I have. And that’s why I think I’m going to retire at the end of the next school year.

More on this later, but I wanted to put that out in the universe. I’m not turning back time, but I’m looking to make the time I have left a little more special.

We don’t need more inputs

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I heard a quote on a podcast today and I really felt it: The podcast is Jimmy Carr on Chris Willamson’s Modern Wisdom:

“The answers you’re looking for is in the silence you’re avoiding. You need fewer inputs, not more.”

How often do we seek answers externally when what we should be doing is looking inward?

Very long day

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My flight was at 7am Toronto time. I got up at 4:15, which is 1:15am Vancouver time. It’s now 8:30pm and I’m back home watching a movie. Then my alarm just went off to remind me that I haven’t blogged today. Other than two fifteen minute naps, I’ve been up 19 hours today and I’m staying up until my wife gets home in about an hour.

Because a 5 hour flight wasn’t enough to fill my day, I also did the Coquitlam Crunch with my buddy after he got off work, and I came home from that and did a small workout. So I must admit that right now I feel the effects of being up for this long. The hot tub and shower definitely didn’t help to wake me up at all.

So, I’ll finish writing and turn my movie back on that I started much earlier today. I won’t be surprised if my wife finds me asleep with the tv on. Yes, the day has been, and still is, long… but it has also been good. My suitcase is unpacked, the pool and hot tub chemicals have been topped up, and the garden has been watered. It’s amazing what you can do in a 19+ hour day!

Bad weather, good day

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I dropped my car off at the designated location and my buddy picked me up, boat-in-tow. There was a light drizzle as we headed to Long Point on Lake Erie. When we arrived at the lake it was pouring rain. Fortunately the hard downpour didn’t last too long and settled back to a drizzle.

We fished along the outside of the retaining wall which served to protect the boat launch, not wanting to be too far away with a possible thunderstorm in the forecast. My buddy caught 3 small bass and I came up empty handed before we headed in for lunch.

We planned an early lunch to coincide with when the worst rain was scheduled according to our weather radar we had looked up on my phone. Sure enough the rain really picked up just as we were heading to the covered picnic area.

Then we ate delicious deli sandwiches as rain poured down. Like clockwork, the rain started to subside minutes after the radar map said the worst had passed, but it was possible it would continue to rain the rest of the day.

Still, we got back in the boat and headed out. We crossed the bay, knowing the worst of the rain was over and wanting to hit the shallow reeds we fished a couple years ago. Sure enough the fish started biting, and my friend was relieved that his guest was also able to catch some fish. And the rain stopped.

It would have been easy to let the rain discourage us. To cancel the trip, or to call it a day at lunchtime. But instead we decided to make the most of a very wet day. The reality is that we would have had a great day even if we didn’t catch fish… but I’d be lying if I said that catching 20+ fish between us didn’t make the day that much more special.