Tag Archives: reflection

Time well wasted

That’s the title of a comedy show and podcast: Time well wasted.

It makes me think, what do we waste our time on? Monday to Thursday I have a time limit set on TikTok because to me 30 minutes on TikTok is entertainment, but more than that is wasted time on a school/work night.

Is binge watching your favourite Netflix series time well spent or wasted? Is a 30 minute nap time well spent or wasted?

I can make a hundred suggestions of things we do, and then ask, “Is this time well spent or wasted?” And in almost every case the answer would or could be “It depends”.

For example: A 30 minute nap could be ‘needed’ to be more productive, or it could be a way to avoid work, or it could simply be a simple pleasure that is absolutely worth doing.

The question is, how good are our rationalizations? Because if you are anything like me, time well wasted isn’t often well wasted, it’s just wasted… and our time is valuable.

Counting time

It my wife’s birthday today and so we celebrate one more trip around the sun for her. Actually we’ve been celebrating all week, I have been giving her small little gifts for ‘birth week’, something I started when we were dating. It’s fun to have our own little traditions to celebrate special events. My wife and family sing happy birthday on the phone, my less musical family don’t torture each other with that tradition.

Tracking time is something that we’ve done for almost as long as humans have existed. It would be important to know how long until a baby arrives, or when winter is ending. Recently, scientists discovered that dots near animals on cave drawings indicated the gestation period (in lunar months) for the animals. These cave drawings are some of the earliest forms of writing, and show both a sharing of knowledge and tracking of time dating back far before we thought humans did such things.

We have been fascinated by the passing of time for a long time now, and birthdays are one of those things that we track and celebrate. With grown up kids, I miss the unfettered joy of a child on the morning of their birthday, or Christmas. I loved to see that excitement, and anticipation of presents. A celebration of the the earth rotating one more time around our sun. One more time to be grateful for what we have… the gift of life, family, and reasons to celebrate together.

Holding on unnecessarily

Sometimes it’s hard to let go.

Someone asks you about your day, and the first thing that goes through your mind is the thing that bothered you most.

“How was your meal?” It was really good, but…

An inconsiderate driver doesn’t let you merge and you are agitated for the next 20 minutes.

It takes practice letting go of negative thoughts. We hold on to unhelpful experiences unnecessarily. We almost cherish them. ‘Look at me. Look at how I’ve had to struggle. See what I have to put up with. Recognize my hardship.’

The real hardship is self-inflicted.

It’s not what happened to you, it’s what you hold onto. It’s also what you let go of.

What was the best part of your day? What was your favourite part of the meal? Boy, I’m glad I’m not that guy that didn’t let me merge, poor guy probably isn’t living his best life… I’m grateful that most people I deal with aren’t like him.

When you are used to holding on to the hard parts of life it takes a bit of mental gymnastics to transform your way of thinking to a more positive outlook. Accept a compliment, don’t downplay it. Find someone to thank. Choose to let go of the frustrating part of the day that you want to bring up and relive, and instead remember a shared laugh, a kindness, a success.

It’s not what happened to you, it’s what you hold onto. It’s also what you let go of.

The challenge of hindsight

Recently I had a student come to me for advice. He played a joke on a friend, and then kept the joke going digitally on a digital discussion board. It wasn’t a bullying issue, there wasn’t a power struggle. But the kid who came to me recognized that his friend was struggling a bit and he felt that his joke added stress and added to his struggles. He just wasn’t sure how to fix it.

I could see and hear the anxiety that he had gone too far with the joke and hurt his friend. There was a lot of guilt, and the awareness that he could have contributed to a friend’s struggles was really burdening him. He felt awful. I think he came to me partially because he wanted advice and partially because he felt he should somehow be punished for hurting his friend. I mentioned that there was no power struggle and so it wasn’t bullying, but in this kids eyes he did something that hurt someone so it was bullying.

I tried to put him at ease by talking about how hindsight is 20/20 and it’s easy for him to see that he took the joke too far now, but it would have been much harder to see this at the time. And I said that the fact that he could look back and see that now was actually a good thing. Good because it shows he’s reflective and cares for his friend, and good because he has the power now to make things better. But that it’s easy to see this now only by looking back and being thoughtful.

I then guided him through a good apology. He wanted to make it about the struggles his friend was going through as part of the apology. I suggested this wasn’t an ideal approach. A version of “I’m sorry you have problems that I added to” doesn’t instil a sense that the conversation is about an apology. Instead I suggested he focus on his own behavior. “I’m sorry that I took the joke to far, I didn’t mean for it to be hurtful in any way, but I think it was. I apologize and I’ll be more thoughtful next time.”

At one point when I was finishing up with him he said, “I’m sorry if I seem distracted but the longer I’m here the longer my friend has to wait for my apology.” I had to hold back a little chuckle as I let him go to talk to his friend.

This is a good kid. He used hindsight to see that he had done something wrong to a friend, but then he beat himself up for not seeing his mistake sooner. How often do we all do this? We look back at our actions and feel guilty, stupid, or embarrassed for what we did. Then we magnify those feelings and feel even worse. Our hindsight gives us insight into how we could have and should have acted previously… but now it’s too late. Now it feels like all we can do is feel bad.

…Or we can be humble, recognize our mistake, and try to make things better. The challenge with hindsight is that we can’t undo our stupidity, we can only pretend it didn’t happen, beat ourselves up about it, or actually try to face the mistake we made, own it, and be willing to make amends or ‘make it right’. This latter choice isn’t the easiest path to take, but it is the best path to take and the faster we do it, the less time we spend worrying or feeling bad about it.

A message to high school teachers

If you are in a semestered high school, you are about to finish semester 1 and start semester 2. That means it’s time to give students final marks in half of their courses. How do you work out their marks? Is it a matter of just looking at your mark book and averaging or tallying up marks from September to now?

Consider this little analogy I’ve shared before… and ask yourself if there’s a kid or two who might deserve a better mark considering how they are doing now compared to 4 months ago:

__________

The Parachute Packing Analogy

I love the simplicity of this example! There are 3 students who are in a parachute packing class:

Students take 3 tests during the course.

Student A starts off strong and gets an A on the first test, gets a B on the second test, is over-confident, flounders and gets a C on their final test.

Student B is a solid B student and gets B’s on all 3 tests.

Student C struggles on the first test and gets a C, starts understanding the concepts and gets a B on the second test, then totally understands all the concepts and finishes with an A on the final test.

All 3 students have a ‘B’ average in the course.

Which student do you want to pack your parachute?

__________

You don’t ‘need’ to mark the way you used to. You don’t ‘need’ to mark the kid getting 46% just by the numbers, especially if their mark was 36% at the start of the year and they are much more successful now. You can bump the one kid up 2% for the ‘A’ because they did poorly on one test the whole semester… And totally justify not giving another kid that 2% because they are short of getting an ‘A’ from consistently getting the harder questions wrong, and have not demonstrated that they are a ‘A’ student.

Equal ≠ Fair

Equal is not equal to fair. You can be fair without treating everyone equal… with assessments, with support, and even with how much homework you give them.

Assessment isn’t just about averaging and tallying marks, and fairness isn’t determined by equal treatment.

Many words, not one word

I created a #OneWord for 2020, and 2021, and the past few days I’ve been thinking about what my one word would be for 2023. But too many words are vying to be the one, so I’m just going to list a few key words for myself. Words that will be important to me in the coming year.

Consistency: Since January 2019 I’ve been using a year-long calendar to track fitness, meditation, writing, and another goal that has changed. I don’t think I need it anymore, even though I’m off to a poor start with my fitness thanks to a really bad cough. Still, I think I’m at the point where these things are so consistent, that tracking isn’t actually improving my consistency. But, it’s my actions, not my beliefs that matter. I will need to demonstrate to myself that I can stay on track without the tracking, and so being faithfully and honestly consistent with my healthy living goals will be important to me this year.

Efficiency: I’m prone to distraction and this year I want to commit to being focussed on specific tasks and not being easily distracted. I plan to improve my list-making so that I get bigger items done every day, and not be distracted by the most recent email, or smaller tasks that eat up so much time that bigger tasks are no longer achievable. I’ve improved in this area over the past few years, but there is room to focus and be more efficient.

Positivity: I have a great family, great friends, a great job, and other than a nasty cough I’m dealing with right now, great health. There is no reason for me to focus on a few challenging things and letting these adjust my attitude and frame of mind negatively. I have a lot to be grateful for and I can be more positive in my day-to-day attitude and disposition.

Vocal: I said in my post, Everything is so political, “2023 will be a year to speak up and speak out. You don’t have to support a political party, but if you think you can be vocal and not also be political, you are probably mistaken. Your politics will permeate your point of view, and choosing to be silent is no longer just non-partisan or apolitical; it’s choosing to allow lesser, more biased people to share their minority points of view as if they are the majority. The silent majority can be silent no more.”

This isn’t about politics, it’s about speaking out against small thinking, and not allowing bad ideas to permeate. It’s about recognizing bad ideas and being a voice that helps stop them from spreading.

Gracious: This is a year to show my appreciation. I really have a lot of wonderful people around me and I want to let them know how much I appreciate them, value them, and how they make me a better person. Sincere graciousness is something I often feel, but don’t always express, and so this will be a year to emote, to express, and to demonstrate my gratitude for the people around me that I value and appreciate.

That’s a lot more than one word, and if I can focus on these things 2023 will be a fabulous year.

Big rocks

I remember a story about a professor who teaches students about dealing with all the problems and pressures in their lives. He brings a glass jar to class with some sand, pebbles, and slightly larger rocks. He describes these items as all a person’s problems and challenges, and the jar as the person. He tries to put all these items into the jar, starting with the sand, and they don’t fit. Then he starts with the pebbles, and again they don’t fit. Then he starts with the slightly larger pebbles, puts the smaller pebbles in afterwards and shakes the jar so that the smaller pebbles fall between the larger ones, then pours the sand in, which fills the empty spaces. Everything now fits. The lesson is to pay attention and take care of the biggest problems first and you make room to handle all your problems.

I think it’s a neat story, but I never really agreed fully with the message. I don’t think it’s healthy to always be trying to deal with the big problems you face first. Sometimes if you ignore the little problems for too long, they become bigger problems too. “Kill a snake when it’s small,” my grandfather used to say. And sometimes it’s in dealing with smaller issues that the insight comes as to how a larger issue can be solved.

But sometimes it’s easy to avoid the ‘big rocks’ by staying busy tending to smaller issues, and actually avoiding the bigger ones. That’s when the professor’s advice becomes wise. Kill a big snake before its too big to ever deal with… before it’s too big for your jar.

So when do you deal with the big rocks first? I think it’s an upside down bell curve that should drive your attention.

Imagine an attention graph on a scale from not thinking about something at all to always thinking/worry about something. When you are stuck worrying about a problem too much and, on the other extreme, when you are altogether ignoring that problem, that’s when it should be dealt with swiftly, putting aside other smaller issues. But you can’t spend your life only taking care of your big problems and feel like these big rocks are all that matter. No, they should only be a priority when they are bothering you too much, or when you are trying to escape them. At these points it’s time to face the big problems head on.

That doesn’t mean that you ignore them at all other times, it simply helps you determine when they should be the snake you kill… no matter how big it may be.

the spaces in between

I’ve never been to a session at a conference that has taught me more and been more engaging than the ‘spaces in between’ the sessions.

Connecting with distant friends and colleagues; Engaging conversations about teaching, learning, and leading; Topical discussions and meetings over coffee and meals; And getting to know bright people who have similar jobs but unique life and work experience that open my eyes to things beyond what I tend to learn and in my scheduled blocks of conference time… these are the moments that make a conference a rich leaning experience… it’s the spaces in between.

The happiness scale

Imagine a happiness scale from Depressed at the bottom to exhilarated at the top:

– Exhilarated

– Very Happy

– Happy

– Content

– Wanting

– Bored

– Unhappy

– Depressed

I think too many people get stuck expecting most of life to be spent on the high end of that scale and so when everyday life doesn’t meet that expectation, they end up unhappier than they should be… and this can spiral into disappointment and depression.

If you aren’t content with everyday events, then you are left wanting more. If your hobbies and interests only bring you joy when you accomplish something, and not in all aspects of the experience, including the challenges, or prep work, or practice, then the joy is fleeting.

In this TikTok, David Bederman describes ‘the surfer’s mentality‘:

Some people only find joy when riding the wave, and not also the paddling out to catch the wave. Some people compare their daily life to the best life of others shared on Facebook and Instagram. Some people don’t consider a chat with a friend, a laugh at a social media post, or an hour spent lost in an engaging activity as happy times. They perceive happiness as more than that. Happiness is fleeting.

Finding happiness in your everyday life is a way to tip the scale in your favour. A way to spend more time on the upper end of the scale, to not measure yourself as less than happy, wanting more, and feeling like less. Expectation of more than this leads to seeking greater peaks, like holidays, adrenaline rides, and unsustainable nights out of entertainment to pull yourself out of wanting more.

Are you waiting for special moments to be happy, or are you looking for happiness in every day life? Are you comparing yourself to others and what they share publicly, or are you seeking moments in the now that can move your daily life to being content with happy moments interspersed throughout the day?

Because the happiness scale isn’t sustainable if you always desire to move up the scale, that expectation leads you further down the scale more often than not. Instead, the happiness scale is sustainable when you find ways to simply be content, and let happiness find you when you are doing the small things that make life interesting, challenging, enjoyable, playful, and fulfilling.

Update

I found this: Why Having Fun Is the Secret to a Healthier Life | Catherine Price | TED

And I was reminded of this recent post: Big lessons from little ones

Press Pause

Ever wish life had a pause button… Wish that you could just pause the entire world and step away for a bit… then come back refreshed, and ready to deal with the day.

Just hit pause and go for a nap, catch up on email, take a long walk, add a half day to your weekend.

Would you rather a pause button or would you prefer a rewind option? Mess up an conversation with someone? Just rewind and try again. Maybe pause first, then rewind.

There are no dress rehearsals for life. No pause button. But we can still carve out time for the things we care about. We can find moments to pause; moments for pause.

If we don’t find those moments, then the days, the weeks, and even the years can disappear. We don’t have a pause button, but every day there are moments that we can seek out or extend. There are moments we can spend intentionally. Moments when we pause to think, to reflect, to laugh, to step away from being busy, so that the day doesn’t just get away from us.

We don’t have a pause button, but we do have reasons in the day to take pause.