Tag Archives: Life Lessons

Little and big bumps

Yesterday’s grad went well. There were a few bumps along the way, including our livestream going down, which is not anything you would want to happen. Even after a reboot, it never worked as planned. So, to remote grandparents and others waiting to watch from home, it was a disappointment.

At the event there were a few other bumps. One funny one was that our awards have nominees, and then a winner is announced. But the teacher who had the announcing envelopes tucked them inside a shelf in the lectern then forgot where he put them… and another teacher doing the first award presentation didn’t know who the winner was? That caused a bit of a scramble. But it also caused some laughs. It wasn’t a big deal, and got sorted out quickly.

Big bumps like the livestream going down are regrettable. We don’t know what caused the issue, and if we could have foreseen the issue in any way, it would be upsetting to know that we could have prevented it. But this wasn’t the first livestream we’ve done, and we didn’t do anything differently. The technology failed us, and we still don’t know the cause.

Little bumps like the lost winner envelopes are more preventable than our big bump was, but less important. No one missed out on anything, and the delay was minor… even entertaining.

Planning a big event is challenging to do without a few bumps. Stress levels can be high, and there are a lot of moving parts. Seldom does everything go perfectly. The trick is to not sweat over the little bumps, and to do everything in your power to avoid the big bumps.

Small bumps don’t ruin the event, big bumps can. I feel sorry for those that were trying to watch our event from home. We learned a lesson to always ensure we are saving a local recording and not just recording to the cloud. That way if a livestream connection ever goes down again, we will still have a local copy of the event to share later. That is to say, if our livestream ever dies again, the at home audience can watch it later… and the big bump becomes a small bump.

You’re so vain

The lyrics of a Carley Simon song say, “You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you.”

I’ve heard again and again that this song is about James Taylor, whom she dated before she wrote this song. I’ve also heard that Warren Beatty believes it’s about him.

We all think that other people are thinking about us, that people are paying attention to us. In reality each person (to some degree) sees the world as revolving around them. This is especially evident in kids. It starts at a very young age when they play hide and seek, and they cover their own eyes believing that if they can’t see you, then you can’t see them. But then, all the way into their teens they see the world only through their eyes.

Then the grow up a bit, and they understand that the whole world isn’t seen from their perspective. Yet years later a small, passing joke about this now teenager may get a single laugh, and they believe that the entire world is laughing at them. Humiliation reigns when everyone else has already moved on to the next thing. 

Adults aren’t always better. They make a mistake and the closest they can get to an apology is “I am sorry you feel that way, that wasn’t my intention.” That’s not an apology, that’s ignorance of the hurt that you actually did. The unsaid part of that attempt at an apology is, “It’s absolutely your fault that you didn’t understand what I meant”. And I’m not sure who would consider that a real apology?

That’s vanity for you. In a young child it’s seeing the world only through your eyes. As a teenager it’s believing everyone is watching you. And as an adult it’s the belief that you are misunderstood but it’s not your fault. 

It takes humility to understand that you’re not all that important. It takes empathy to understand that other people think differently than you. And it takes honesty to recognize that your perspective is just one of many. Integrity isn’t built from a vain point of you, it is built from understanding that while the things you value are important, it’s also important to value the thoughts and opinions of people you care about.

And as cautionary tale, people who are vain do not deserve the same respect as those who are humble and wise. There is a difference between being humble, and being a pushover to people who do not give others the same respect that you do.

Now, not waiting…

I was reflecting on retirement yesterday, and then today I listened to a podcast that mentioned we only live for about 4,000 weeks. We are lucky when it’s more, and when I consider that I’ve passed 2,800 weeks, it makes me appreciate all of the time I have left. This isn’t sad, it’s factual. And the fact is that every week, every day matters.

We’ve all had those weeks that fly by feeling like we’ve done no more than what needed to be done: Eat, sleep, work, repeat… with a few distractions along the way. And we’ve all had weeks that have felt special, even when the regular routine was all that was really done. What’s the difference?

Good conversations, acts of kindness, a delicious meal, a hug, a good laugh, or even a quiet moment of contemplation can help make an ordinary week a little more special. It would have been easy to use the word extraordinary rather than special, but that would be dishonest.

The reality is that it’s hard to live a life where every week is extraordinary. That said, it can be too easy to live a life where weeks just disappear, one less week to live, then another, then another. Every week doesn’t have to be exceptional, just well lived… well lived, not poorly wasted.

It’s fun to plan ahead for the future, but the time to enjoy life is now! Because we really don’t know how many weeks we have left, and so each week we do have is precious.

Just a call away

Today I saw a sunset in Greece. It was hours ago, and although the sun hasn’t set here yet, my daughter is on a Greek island and she FaceTime’d me. The photo shared above is from a Snapchat she shared just before calling. She was on a balcony at her hostel, and we chatted for a few minutes while her friends got ready to go to dinner.

When my wife did a similar backpacking trip 30 years ago she spoke to her parents by collect call each time she was heading to or arrived in another country and that would be it for contact for days if not longer than a week. For this trip my wife is in contact with our kid almost daily, even if just by WhatsApp chat. She checks in with her dad a little less frequently, knowing I get the updates from my wife.

Time zones are the only challenge to communication. As I’m writing this at 7:30pm here, and it’s 5:30am in Greece. But beyond that, it’s pretty awesome that we can stay connected… for free with a simple wifi connection. This shouldn’t still amaze me but it does. It would take me 14.5 hours including a layover to get to her, but I can see her ‘live’ on my phone with the only challenge being what time we go to sleep.

Makes me think, who else is just a call away, but I haven’t made the effort?

14 years ago

I shared this on my Pair-a-Dimes blog, May 13th, 2009:

— — — —

Sometimes you can’t just take baby steps, and you’ve got to commit fully to experience something…

I’m leaving my job, my home, and my country.

I have just accepted a Principal’s position in Dalian China for September. My wife will be teaching at the school and my daughters will be attending it. We weren’t actually looking for different jobs, they found us several years after my wife and I had applied to a number of International Schools for teaching positions. A path opened up before us… it wasn’t the planned path, but it was certainly worth investigating.

I can’t describe the turmoil my wife and I went through deciding whether or not we should uproot our family, and leave great jobs, friends and colleagues that we care about. Then finally we asked ourselves a simple question, “If we don’t do this, will we regret it later?” The answer was ‘Yes’.

And now that the decision is made, I am so excited about the new adventure!

— — — —

My close friends, my principal, and my assistant superintendent were told about my plan before publishing this, but I know it was an unusual way to share such information back then. Nowadays people expect to hear about things like this on Facebook or on other social media platforms, but that was far from the norm in 2009.

I remember an acquaintance saying to me at a meeting a week later, “So I had to read your blog to know you were taking off on us.” This perturbed me a bit because first of all we didn’t have the relationship where I’d be ‘informing’ him of this news in the first place, and secondly, I was sure he never read my blog and it was either shared with him or he just heard about it.

That was a different time. Looking back, and reading the comments I realize that I had amazing connections from my district, the province, and the rest of Canada, the US, South America, Australia, New Zealand, and China commenting. But I had many people in my district that thought it was completely weird that I’d share something like this on my blog. Meanwhile outside of a small but amazing group of local friends, it was my blogging and tweeting community that was genuinely excited for me.

They also stuck with me, reading and commenting on my blog and sharing in my China adventures.

I often say that I live my life without regrets, but if I had just one it would be that I wish I had travelled more when I was younger. This China trip opened up a world of experiences and holidays that I never would have had if my wife and I hadn’t realized how much we would regret not taking this trip.

My oldest daughter just finished an 8-month assistant teaching job in France and is currently holidaying in Greece, having just left Croatia, and is having exactly the kind of experience I wish I had at her age.

There’s a saying, that says, “No matter where you go there you are.” And I totally understand this sentiment… you can’t run away from yourself. But international travel creates contexts, experiences, and exposure to cultural differences that opens up your eyes and expose you to opportunities to grow in a way that’s hard to do ‘at home’.

We couldn’t have had the opportunities we did as a family had we not taken the plunge and moved to China… I would do it all over again if I had a chance!

Blind spots

I’m dealing with an issue between two students right now and the challenge is that both of their opposing views are valid. The challenge isn’t the points of view, it’s the current climate that makes one view insensitive to the other view. There was no intent to harm, but that doesn’t mean there wasn’t harm. Poor communication is another issue, and it might seem like therein lies the problem more so than the stances themselves. However this just amplified the problem.

I can get the students together to eliminate the communication issue, but first I needed to show one of them how their perspective could be perceived differently than intended… I had to show this student how their perspective came from a place of privilege. I shared how I was once blind to my privilege and I think the student understood. Was this student’s statements ‘wrong’? No. Was this student’s statement insensitive? Yes. Could the other student have approached the concern differently? Yes… but here’s the thing, I don’t think it would have been settled any better if the issue was addressed in-person rather than publicly online. When a concern is in your blind spot how are you expected to see it?

Privilege creates blind spots. Politics creates blind spots. Religion creates blind spots. Gender creates blind spots. Anger creates blind spots. Culture creates blind spots. Language creates blind spots. Wealth creates blind spots. Trauma creates blind spots. Power creates blind spots. Ignorance creates blind spots… and the list can go on and on.

We can’t know that we have blind spots until they are shown to us. We don’t see them unless we can be shown things from a different perspective. We need to be empathetic. We need to be open to alternate views. We need to understand that our blind spots don’t inherently make us bad people, but when we are exposed to our blind spots our egos, our sense of right and wrong, need to be tempered.

When we are faced with a perspective that was in our blind spot we need to be open to seeing things from a perspective that’s not our own… and here’s the hard part, not to be judgemental but to be compassionate, empathetic, and willing to see the bias we hold. This is a big ask. But it builds character and helps us grow.

In the student issue I’m dealing with the onus to make things better lies on the person who was blind to their privilege. If that student can’t see the other perspective, if the blind spot remains, well then we have a disagreement that won’t be settled well. But if that student can see the other perspective, then maybe we can come to a satisfactory conclusion. We can focus less on intent and blame, and more on making things better. We can have an honest conversation about how our statements could be seen as insensitive and biased, even though that wasn’t the intent. There was no intention of harm, but harm was done, and if that harm is recognized, well then we can move forward. It becomes a learning experience and not an issue of right versus wrong. That’s one less blind spot, and one more opportunity to help us all get along a little more compassionately.

Staying stuck

I’ve just finished listening to Jay Shetty’s audiobook, ‘Think Like a Monk‘, and I’m going through my bookmarks. One worth sharing is,

‘I wish’ is code for ‘I don’t want to do anything differently’.

The word wish is a verb, it’s an action, but a passive one. Wishing doesn’t involve planning, or taking action, or for that matter changing or moving in any way towards the thing you wish for.

Furthermore, the things we wish for often aren’t as desirable as we think. Like all the stories about genies that grant three wishes, the things we think we want might not end up giving us what we really desire. And again, wishing doesn’t make things happen.

Sure we can have positive affirmations, and wishing can help us envision a better future, but it’s our actions that define the kind of future you will have. This brings me to another bookmark,

Who you are is not what you say, but how you behave.

We don’t grow, we don’t ‘unstick’ ourselves from the patterns we are stuck in by wishing our way out. It’s our actions, our behaviours, that help us grow. Still, go ahead and wish upon a falling star or an eyelash, or blowing out birthday candles. By all means feel free to make a wish… but then make plans if you ever want to see that wish come through.

Maintenance mode

I’ve been struggling with an upper back injury that has involved shooting pains down my shoulder and neck pain and stiffness for over a month now. It’s frustrating. Regular massage and physiotherapy help but so has pain medication. I try to avoid taking painkillers (with chronic back issues there is almost always a reason to take something, so I only do so when the pain is restrictive and unrelenting), but I’ve had no choice the last few weeks.

This has made my fitness routine hard to follow. But I can still get on an exercise bicycle and not hurt my back. I can walk on a treadmill, and my hand movements help loosen my back. Running is out of the question. Still, I can also do leg workouts that don’t involve weights. And of course I can stretch… and need to be stretching.

Fitness isn’t just about constant improvement, it’s also about going into maintenance mode and doing *something* to take care of your body. Fifteen years ago my back would crash and it would takes months to recover. Now, this issue I’m dealing with is the worst I’ve dealt with in years. I know that a focus on fitness is what has reduced my down time, my days feeling hurt enough that pains and discomfort are constantly on my mind. However, the lack of these experiences over the last few years amplifies just how much this bothers me right now.

Yet while the pain is bothersome and pretty consuming, I am thankful that this is now an anomaly and no longer the norm. I’m thankful that I can still get some exercise in and maintain my fitness enough that I’m not having to start over when I recover. A commitment to exercise even when I’m struggling, and to be smart enough not to overdo it or exasperate the injury, helps me stay focused on my long term fitness goals.

It’s not about giving 100% a hundred percent of the time. It’s about showing up every day and doing something to care for myself. Some days that means pushing what I can do. Some days that means choosing one part of my routine to do at maximum effort. And some days that means doing the bare minimum. What’s not a viable option is opting out.

No small parts

In the last 3 nights I’ve seen my daughter in the musical Carrie, a Broadway Across Canada presentation of Pretty Woman the Musical, and my daughter again in her final performance of Carrie.

I was reminded of the Konstantin Stanislavski quote: “There are no small parts, only small actors”. A stage performance requires every actor to play their part big or small. When they all do, the performance shines.

How many people are there where we play a small role in their lives? Are we playing small but important roles? Or are we just small actors? I think we have the choice to do either… and while it may not seem like a big role to us, it can be for the others we have a role with.

No small parts.

Aware of blame

Today I was driving and I missed a light because the person in front of me was too slow to follow traffic speed. I yelled a profanity or two as I watched the yellow light turn red and the car before me finally crossed the line into the intersection. 6-7 minutes later, and one light from my turn-off the car in front of me was driving the speed of molasses on a cold day, and while cars in the left lane sped through the light, I was left yelling profanities yet again, while me and the slow poke in front of me slowed and stopped in our lane… while the light hadn’t quite switched to red from yellow yet.

It took this second over-the-top-loud-yelling-in-a-car-just-to-myself swearing of profanities to make me realize that I wasn’t that upset at the other drivers. No, I have been suffering back pain for two solid weeks and this is what was really getting to me.

It wasn’t bad driving, it was a bad back. Neither traffic event warranted my overreaction. Both were minor inconveniences rather than major affronts to common sense or to me personally.

It makes me wonder:

How often do we discount how much our mood can affect our reaction to events?

In this case I made a proverbial mountain out of a couple mole hills. And recognizing where the blame lay allowed me to rebalance myself so that I didn’t continue doing this for the rest of the day.