Tag Archives: friendship

What will it look like?

A few days ago I wrote a post This is not the ‘new normal’, and I said,

“This is not the ‘New Normal’, this is a pandemic that will come to an end. This is temporary.”

This morning I ‘met’ Dave Sands on Zoom and we recorded a podcast. We spent about an hour online together and it was great to ‘see’ him. The fact that this was not face-to-face didn’t matter that much. In fact, I’ve ‘seen’ Dave much more in the last few weeks than I have in months. The reason for this is that we’ve connected almost daily on Microsoft Teams for work, since the March break ended 3 weeks ago. But I would have loved to have Dave over to do the recording. To sit and have coffee and enjoy his company along with the conversation.

This afternoon my wife and I joined another couple in their back yard. We sat apart, respecting ‘social distancing’ norms. We brought our own cups and drinks, and left after only touching the chairs we sat on. No handshakes, no hugs, no communal snacks or drinks. This was our first social gathering like this in about 2 months. It was wonderful to connect.

This is not the new normal, but I wonder what the new normal will look like? Will we be less likely to greet people with hugs and handshakes? Yesterday I saw a girl and her dad at a crosswalk. The young girl looked like she was about 4 years old. She got off her bike and ran to press the crosswalk button… with her elbow. Will we ever look at things like elevator buttons, public handrails, and door handles the same way?

Part of me thinks that things will eventually return to a normal that resembled what it looked like in 2019, but part of me wonders about social norms and practices, and how these will change? Will we bow to greet someone rather than shake their hands, hug, or fist bump? Will restaurant workers preparing our food all wear masks? Will we carry hand sanitizer everywhere we go and use it constantly?

We are months and months away from any kind of normal, but when that normal arrives, how many norms and social practices will have changed as a result of Covid-19 pandemic.

How important is it?

How important is your health to you right now? It becomes more important when you feel an ailment.

How important is money to you right now? It becomes more important if you are struggling financially?

How important are your friends to you right now? They become more important when you are in need of one.

There are so many things that we don’t readily recognize as important until there is a deficit pointing out our concern. Food, shelter, affection, love… all things we value/desire/need, and all are taken for granted except for when we notice their absence.

It’s good to be thankful when we have these things. To recognize what’s important to us when we are fortunate. To remind ourselves that we are lucky, appreciating what we have rather than only paying attention when there is a shortage.

How important is it to appreciate the positive people and circumstances that surround you, when things are going in your favour?

And how important is it to be charitable to those who are less fortunate?

Going the extra inch

I think this idea came from Terry O’Reilly’s book, ‘This I know’, but I listened to it a couple years ago and am not 100% sure? The idea is to go the extra inch, rather than the extra mile.

The easiest place to see this in customer service. The cashier who takes a little extra care in bagging your items. The waiter who tops up your water glass before you need to ask. The hot dog vendor who asks if you’d like your bun toasted. The hotel front desk clerk who asks if you’d like a city map with local restaurants, or who remembers your name the next time you see them.

So many people talk about going the extra mile, but really it’s just an extra inch that can make the difference, (or for that matter the extra centimetre). It doesn’t often take much work or effort to make someone’s day, to provide better than average service, or to simply be accommodating to someone you love and care about.

A kind gesture, a simple change in tone, a thoughtful question, a smile. It’s not about going terribly far out of your own way, it’s simply going the extra inch.

What I find interesting is that it’s often easier to do this with strangers rather than those you are around daily. We seem to take advantage of our relationships and not make the extra inch of effort with people we spend time with every day. Instead, we are quicker to snap a response, or to be snide, or just impatient. We feel like the extra inch is actually an extra mile.

It’s not. In this way, life is a game of inches, and it’s much more fun when we are able to see this and just go that extra inch for those that can do the same for us more frequently, because we are around them more often.

Breakfast with a friend

“Come gather around people, wherever you roam
And admit that the waters around you have grown
And accept it that soon you’ll be drenched to the bone
If your time to you is worth savin’
Then you better start swimmin’ or you’ll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin’ ~ Bob Dylan

We sat at a booth chatting, breakfast done, bill paid. We had already turned down more coffee and the waitress was kind enough to fill our water glasses. The restaurant wasn’t full, we weren’t filling a potentially needed booth, and so the waitress didn’t mind that we were still there over 30 minutes after our meal was done.

We were reminiscing about our childhood, and how people would come for a visit and stay for dinner. In my family there were 4 kids so we made a family of 6, but my mother never cooked for less than 10. Someone’s friend (or 2), an aunt, granny, a cousin, even a neighbour might be joining us. If it was just the 6 of us, we had leftovers.

This doesn’t happen much anymore. Having friends over means a half-day of getting the house ready, and a half day of preparing food. Meeting for coffee? How’s next week Thursday? Breakfast? Pick one of these two Sundays. Dinner with a group of friends? We better use that appointment App to find a day that works for all of us.

Or maybe we just chat on the phone. Maybe we text. Comment on Facebook. Like a friend’s tweet… smiley face emoji:)

Gatherings used to be impromptu, spontaneous, and they extended past expected times. “See you soon,” not “See you later,” as in weeks or months later.

Things have changed.

I’m going to try to bring the old ways back a bit. I’m tracking my social connections this year. A dinner and a breakfast last week, a morning coffee and a minor league hockey game this weekend… A walk with my wife, dinner out with my daughter… I’m going to see if intentionally keeping track will inspire me to connect face-to-face more frequently with the people that are geographically available. That doesn’t diminish the opportunities to connect with people who I can’t always see. For those, we have spaces like this.

The Eternal Pot

In Barbados there is a meal called Pepper Pot, also known as The Eternal Pot or The Poor Man’s Pot. It’s a dark broth with oxtail as the primary ingredient, and it is delicious! Many a day I would sit dipping soft bread into a bowl, soaking up every drop and finishing up with only the oxtail bones in the wiped-clean bowl.

Pepper Pot would be made in a massive pot that would sit for days on the the stove. It was known as the eternal pot because it stayed fresh as long as you brought it to a boil once a day. No need for refrigeration. For this reason it was also the poor man’s pot because it could sit in the stove continually being added to, as a poor family put what they had available in it. A lean broth for many days, and then meat added on payday.

For us, the first day it was cooked, pepper pot was for dinner. After that it would be an always available snack, a Saturday brunch, a late-night binge. It was a magical pot that seemed to last forever…

This reminds me of good friendships. Eternal in its ability to always be there. We gather with friends for a meal, connect for a while, things fade, but you know you can always spice things up when you have the energy to do so. Then you lose touch, but that’s ok, things will be back to full strength the next time you connect. It’s not a perfect metaphor, but it works on certain levels.

I’ve gathered with a few good friends this break, shorter and longer visits, a few meals, all rich experiences… I’ve added stock and meat to the eternal pot, helping the friendships grow. We just need to remember to heat things up once in a while… to keep things fresh.

Remember to stop and break bread with your eternal friends.

Connections over time

Last night we connected with friends we haven’t seen in over a decade. The conversation immediately evaporated the years between visits. Our daughters were essentially meeting for the first time with only a vague memory of having ever met before. It didn’t matter, the conversation was rich, and enjoyable. How is it that 10 years can melt away so quickly?

I’ve had similar experiences with friends whom I’ve only connected with online. Then we ‘meet’ and it feels like we are reconnecting, rather than connecting for the first time face-to-face. And after that first meeting, the online connection gets even stronger. The relationships we develop with people seem to create a lasting impression that time does not interfere with.

Friendship is the glue that holds people together across time and space. A bond that holds people together with the effort to connect when geography permits, and that geography is getting less and less restrictive… As we left the restaurant, our friend said in all seriousness, “Australia is just 15 hours away.” I think that distance might be travelled before another decade slips by.

—

I just went back and read ‘A letter to friends‘ that I wrote just over a decade ago as we headed to China, shortly after my last visit with the friends above. Seems I was thinking along the same lines, even back then.

Opportunities not Obligations

Opportunities not obligations

We live in an era of obligations. Even the things we enjoy doing can sometimes feel more like a commitment and a chore. Then on top of that something else always seems to come up:

“No, unfortunately I can’t join you, I have my fitness class.”

~~~

“Sorry, I’d love to, but I’m working late.”

~~~

“I really wish I could, but I already have another obligation.”

While sometimes ‘I wish I could’ is actually, ‘thank the heavens I didn’t have to’, many times things come up that we really want to do, but our busy lives don’t allow it. You might have to turn down concert tickets, dinner, a beverage, or a dip in a hot tub. You really want to do these things but you have no choice but to apologize for not being able to indulge.

Recently, when I’ve provided opportunities for friends to connect, the moment they are unsure or can’t make it I say, “It’s an opportunity, not an obligation.” This does two things:

  1. It removes the need for an apology. No one is being let down. No one needs to feel guilty. You aren’t turning down an obligation, you simply had an opportunity presented and the opportunity is not one that can be taken advantage of at this time.
  2. It removes my own disappointment. It decreases expectations, and I don’t particularly like hearing my friends or colleagues apologize unnecessarily. It leaves me in a positive frame of mind. This opportunity didn’t work, I wonder if we can find another one soon?

You are not obligated to try this out yourself. Feel free to keep doing what you are doing if that works for you. However, you might want to try saying, ‘It’s an opportunity, not an obligation’, the next time a friend guiltily apologizes for not being able to meet with you. You have an opportunity to make that exchange feel better for both of you.

—–

Update: March 9, 2022 – More thinking on this topic: Opportunity not Obligation revisited

The spaces in between

It had been a few years since Jerry and I met face to face. I arrived at his house, greeted him with a hug, then went in to say hello to his wife, Sandy.

I met Jerry on the first day of university over 32 years ago, and I was with him at the party where he met Sandy.

Then off Jerry and I went on a fishing trip. The years apart melted away and we had fantastic day together. It wasn’t two distant friends reconnecting, it was two great friends melting away the time in between our opportunities to meet face to face.

Jerry doesn’t ‘do’ social media, and so I don’t connect as often with him as I do with others that are geographically distant. So, it will likely be at least a couple years before we connect again. Some of the stories will be retold, others might be forgotten, but the time together will be treasured, no matter how long the space is in between our visits are.

What do you want to know about teens and social media?

Danah Boyd asked this very question, last June, and here was my response: 

____________

I’m interested in knowing more about:

1. Gaming: As it relates to socializing with others vs isolating & playing on their own.

2. Friendship: Actually two things here, first, definitions of online friendship by teens, and second, more about the duration and quality of friendships teens are creating. I know that as an adult I have created some very meaningful online relationships (in my case with other educators) with people I have never met f2f, is this happening with teens as well?

3. Content creation (trends): What are teens creating and sharing online? Here I’m actually interested in the bleeding edge, where are they taking content creation to a new level? How are they ‘mashing’ things up?

4. Learning: How are teens taking learning into their own hands, what are they doing outside of schools to educate themselves and learn new things?

____________

I’m still interested in these things… who can help me learn more?