Tag Archives: family

Family updates

My wife and I are on holidays. This morning I opened my phone and there were two messages on Snapchat. My oldest finished her summer course yesterday and sent us one at 1:30am telling us about a late night visit with a friend, and commenting on our sunset Snapchat that we sent the previous day. My youngest sent one of our cat giving her early morning cuddles before her 5:30am shift.

It’s funny how social media gets a bad wrap, but people don’t spend a lot of time talking about how good it is for connecting family. My sisters and I have never been as connected as we have been since covid started. We began a ‘Sibs’ chat on WhatsApp that we use all the time, and we regularly connect on a group video chat. That never happened before lockdowns.

It takes a few seconds to share a photo and write a quick blurb, or to make a video and share a little slice of life. My daughters are better than my wife and I for also saving the pics and videos before sending them and so we also get ‘1 year ago’ (or longer) memories sent to us as well.

Sharing a little slice of life… that’s exactly what it is. Moments that aren’t focused on projecting an image for social media… not about sharing just the highlights you mostly see on Facebook and Instagram. Instead, just sharing honest moments with the people you love. Messy hair, tiny frustrations, funny or embarrassing incidents, meals, and just average moments when you think of your kids or they think of you.

Without these apps, we would probably not connect as much. They act as easy-to-share tools that invite updates and make us feel closer… Connected, when we can’t physically be together.

When I’m gone

I’m away visiting my parents and had a little getaway planned to meet a buddy and go fishing. Unfortunately one of my uncles passed away from cancer (we knew it was coming), and that changed the plans.

The friend I was meeting replied to my cancellation news saying, “No problem family comes before fishing. Hope we can do it next year if you come down. Talk soon, take care.”

He’s a good enough friend that nothing more needed to be said.

My uncles service, outdoors, at the graveyard, was quaint, and a wonderful tribute to a kind, caring, and unassuming man, who put family above all else. He was given a year and a half to live 3 years ago, and I think it was a relief to both him and the people who cared for him that the suffering that was particularly bad for the last month had ended.

The burial confirmed in my mind that I want to be cremated after I die. I have no desire to hold onto any real estate after I am gone. It sounds crass but I would rather be flushed down the toilet than buried in a plot that takes up space on this planet, when I have no practical use for that space.

I heard once that one of the reasons Disney Land and Disney World check your bag when you enter their theme parks is to check for ashes. People want to have their ashes spread on ‘The happiest place on earth” so frequently that it is an actual concern for them.

We see dead animals all the time. Parts of them are in our freezers, they show up as roadkill, our pets die. When they are gone, it is just their meat and bones that remain, the animal that was ‘is’ no longer around. The same applies to us. It’s funny, I used to think, “Spread my ashes in the ocean… but make sure it’s a warm ocean because I hate the cold.” Now I realize how silly that is. When I’m gone, I’m gone, and what happens to my powdery remains is something I don’t care about.

What I do care about is the life that I have, and people I love, and the things I hope to do before I’m gone.

You can’t change the people around you, but…

I heard this brilliant quote yesterday:

“You can’t change the people around you, but you can change the people around you.”

It reminds me of:

“You are the average of the 5 people you hang around the most.”

Finding the right people to be around is a secret to life seldom discussed. We are blessed when those people are our family, and we don’t have to seek them out elsewhere. Being surrounded by people who make you a better person is a sure way to be a better person.

Choose your friends wisely.

Family visit

Tomorrow will be the first time in years that I will be seeing my parents and all 3 sisters together.

It has been very long since we grew up under one roof, and opportunities like this don’t happen often. I wish my wife and kids were here with me. I can remember being a kid and rolling my eyes because we had to go to yet another family gathering, now I wish we had these opportunities more often.

We’ve bantered before about everyone going on a big family vacation, but it’s never easy trying to coordinate everyone, and I am not sure if it will happen. So for now, I’ll just have to appreciate that we will have a rare opportunity to be together tomorrow, and make the most of the time we have.

First guests

Yesterday my wife and I went to a family member’s house for lunch. The family has immunocompromised members and have taken the lockdowns and social distancing very seriously. We were the first guests in their house in almost a year and a half. At one point, one of them said, “I’m having a moment, this is the most normal thing I’ve done in a long time!”

Although we are double vaccinated, we still wear masks in public places, and practice social distancing, and when we had friends over a couple weekends ago, we still held the gathering in our back yard. We are being thoughtful about how we move forward. But yesterday that quote kind of struck me. Yes, it was also our first time invited into someone’s house for lunch in quite some time, as well as their first time receiving guests… It was a first step towards normal.

Sharing meals is a special thing that brings us together, and being freer to do so now is wonderful. While caution is still needed, and being double vaccinated does not give us 100% immunity, we are on a path to ‘normal’. I fear that large pockets of unvaccinated people will prolong the need for caution, and we are not moving fully towards pre-covid normal any time soon, but this moment of being first guests was pretty special.

I’m not sure what the new normal will be, but at least we are moving in the right direction, and I think we will have a few more ‘firsts’ in the coming months.

Sharing again

Revisiting my uncle, I was reminded of this story, and my post, forgotten dream:

From my earliest memories I can remember our house containing numerous bookshelves with books double stacked, one in front of the other, with whole sections having books stacked horizontally, so that 6 or 8 horizontal books could take the place of 4 or 5 vertical books.

And I read almost none of them.

The dream was a dream of lost opportunity. Of being blind to the ocean of information that sat before me metaphorically unseen, and literally unread.

Adding to this we need to spend quality time with people we care about… and not take them for granted. It’s easy to think the people closest to us will always be there and forget to treat them the way they deserve to be treated.

Inversely it’s a good thing when we remove people from our lives if they are not worthy of our time. I love this quote by Isaiah Frizzelle about creating boundaries for people that don’t deserve access to your life, “Time does not allow reentry and an apology does not always allow access.”

To the fish, water is invisible. It’s fine for us to ignore the oxygen around us, but we need to pay attention to, and show love and respect to, the people we care about.

Year-end Message to Parents

Yesterday I sent an email to our students and parents with our updated calendar for next year, and all the year-end and September details they need. Then I sent the email below just to parents:

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Greetings Inquiry Hub Parents,

I just sent a message to you and your child, but I wanted to take a moment and send one just to parents. I have been thoroughly impressed with the resilience of our students during the pandemic. They have put on a brave face and held together at a time when it seems the entire world has gone a little mad. When I see news these days, I often wish the adults would act with the maturity of some of the students at our school! That said, this will be a summer when students might be trying to let loose a little and want to push the envelope as restrictions are lifted. Quite frankly, they deserve the opportunity to have a little freedom this summer… but what that looks like will be different for different students and their families.

One of the biggest challenges that I have found being a parent is that through the teen years there is no perfect balance of our kids wanting more freedom and us wanting less control. Our kids always think they are old enough to do the things they want to do, and we are always worried about letting them make more and more grown up choices on their own… Be it spending their money on things we don’t think are smart, staying out later than we think they should, and everything from alcohol use, to friendships, to boyfriends and girlfriends, to technology use. It’s not easy to figure out, and what’s more baffling is that what works for one kid, doesn’t work for another, even in the same household. Kids don’t come with instructions, and if they did, I am certain they would be translated from another language and hard to follow anyways. 😉

Below I’ve shared two resources that will take a total of 3 minutes of your time. Each will take a minute and a half, the first being a Facebook video and the second being a short read. I hope you enjoy them both, and maybe they might help you the next time you are faced with a challenging moment with one of your children.

It has been a year of loss and challenges for many, and at this time, I hope you all enjoy the time you have with your kids. Mine are 19 and 21 now, and while our relationships are wonderful, I do look back and wonder where the time went? I wonder what more I could have done with them while they were still part of a family under one roof. This is my way of saying, have a safe and wonderful summer with your kids, and as old as they think they are… they are still your kids, make the most of it!

Regards,

Dave 

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You are the roller coaster safety bar for your teen. 

By Josh Shipp

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Dear Mom and Dad, Please Stick With Me

by Helene Wingens (Source)

 

Dear Mom and Dad, 

Please stick with me. 

I can’t think clearly right now because there is a rather substantial section of my prefrontal cortex missing. It’s a fairly important chunk, something having to do with rational thought. You see, it won’t be fully developed until I’m about 25. And from where I sit, 25 seems a long way off. 

My brain is not yet fully developed

It doesn’t matter that I’m smart; even a perfect score on my math SAT doesn’t insulate me from the normal developmental stages that we all go through. Judgement and intelligence are two completely distinct things. 

And, the same thing that makes my brain wonderfully flexible, creative and sponge-like also makes me impulsive. Not necessarily reckless or negligent but more impulsive than I will be later in life. 

Please stick with me.

So when you look at me like I have ten heads after I’ve done something “stupid” or failed to do something “smart,” you’re not really helping.

You adults respond to situations with your prefrontal cortex (rationally) but I am more inclined to respond with my amygdala (emotionally). And when you ask, “What were you thinking?” the answer is I wasn’t, at least not in the way you are. You can blame me, or you can blame mother nature, but either way, it is what it is.  

At this point in my life, I get that you love me, but my friends are my everything. Please understand that. Right now I choose my friends, but, don’t be fooled, I am watching you. Carefully. 

Please stick with me. 

Here’s what you can do for me

1. Model adulting

I see all the behaviors that you are modeling and I hear all of the words you say. I may not listen but I do hear you. I seem impervious to your advice, like I’m wearing a Kevlar vest but your actions and words are penetrating. I promise. If you keep showing me the way, I will follow even if I detour many, many times before we reach our destination. 

2. Let me figure things out for myself.

If you allow me to experience the consequences of my own actions I will learn from them. Please give me a little bit of leash and let me know that I can figure things out for myself. The more I do, the more confidence and resilience I will develop.

3. Tell me about you.

I want you to tell me all the stories of the crazy things you did as a teen, and what you learned from them. Then give me the space to do the same.

4. Help me with perspective.

Keep reminding me of the big picture. I will roll my eyes at you and make all kinds of grunt-like sounds. I will let you know in no uncertain terms that you can’t possibly understand any of what I’m going through. But I’m listening. I really am. It’s hard for me to see anything beyond the weeds that I am currently mired in. Help me scan out and focus on the long view. Remind me that this moment will pass.

5. Keep me safe.

Please remind me that drugs and driving don’t mix. Keep telling me that you will bail me out of any dangerous situation, no anger, no lectures, no questions asked. But also let me know over and over and over that you are there to listen, when I need you. 

6. Be kind.

I will learn kindness from you and if you are relentless in your kindness to me, someday I will imitate that behavior. Don’t ever mock me, please and don’t be cruel. Humor me-I think I know everything. You probably did as well at my age. Let it go. 

7. Show interest in the things I enjoy.

Some days I will choose to share my interests with you, and it will make me feel good if you validate those interests, by at least acting interested.

One day when the haze of adolescence lifts, you will find a confident, strong, competent, kind adult where a surly teenager once stood. In the meantime, buckle in for the ride. 

Please stick with me. 

Love,

Your Teenager 

Happy Father’s Day

I still haven’t spoken to my father yet, but I’ve got my kids here and dinner is being picked up as I write this. Sushi. All my favourites.

I spent the morning shooting a round of arrows followed by a quick workout. While I didn’t shoot my best, it was my first round where I scored all gold.

A success even if it wasn’t a personal best. I had a few line breakers that squeaked in, but as my buddy always reminds me, a 9 is a 9 and a 10 is a 10… take them when you get them.

My afternoon was busy. I installed my water fed solar panels on my garage roof. This took longer than expected and everyone was pitching in, but the hard part is done!

And food has arrived. To all the dads out there, happy Father’s Day! It’s time to have dinner with my family.

Going home

I booked a flight home to visit my parents this summer. By that point I will have had my second vaccine shot for a few weeks. I look forward to being able to hug my parents and sisters. It has been a long time since I’ve given anyone except my immediate family a hug. Sometimes the little things in life mean a lot.

I wish I could also take a few side trips and visit friends I haven’t seen in a while, but it feels a little soon for that. It will be a time to focus on family. That’s good too.

Living thousands of kilometres away from my parents and siblings is tough sometimes. It is easy to feel disconnected. Oddly enough the pandemic has brought me closer to my sisters. We now have a group chat on WhatsApp where we connect far more often than we used to. This is wonderful, but not the same as seeing each other face-to-face, and so the opportunity to go home is wonderful.

I remember a moment in my second year of Universtiy. I was home for the weekend, and shortly before it was time to leave I was sitting with my mom at the kitchen table. I absentmindedly said, “I better start getting ready to go home.” (Referencing my university as home.) My mom responded, “This is your home.” And at that point I realized my comment was impolite.

Now I have my own home, with a wonderful wife and two awesome kids. We’ve made a great home of our own… but when I’m heading back to see my folks, we’ll, I still like calling that ‘Going home’.

Backyard bliss

It’s the Saturday of a long weekend. I’m sitting in our gazebo with a coffee, and my family is starting to join me, so this will be brief.

A recent Facebook memory from 6 years ago was a photo of the hot tub pad that I built with a friend, at a time when I was dealing with chronic fatigue and moving cinder blocks was an exhausting ordeal.

That means our wonderful deck has been built for 6 years. This year we added an above ground pool and it is filled and ready for the first dip (for my family, I will wait for it to be warmer after we set up the solar heater). With covid restrictions, I think we will spend a bit more time in our backyard this year, and I have to say that we’ve made it into a place I love spend time in.

And now it’s time to make a latte for my daughter, and put my phone away.