Tag Archives: advice

Challenging Advice

Cal Newport, author of several books including, Deep Work – Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World, was on the Sam Harris podcast. I listed to it over the past 3 days and a couple interesting things were discussed.

First of all, Cal has no social media profiles, despite studying social media as part of the research work he does. While I think that’s interesting, I don’t think that I’d want to do that myself. I have drastically reduced my time on social media over the past few years, with time on all sites going down significantly to barely a few minutes a day… other than Tiktok which I will spend up to 30 minutes maximum a day Monday to Thursday, and longer on weekends. Tiktok is more like television to me than social media because I don’t spend any time trying to look at my specific network and let the algorithm decide what I watch next. I watch almost no television and consider TikTok an alternative option to the TV. But while I’ve lowered the social of social media use, I’m not ready to delete or ignore the accounts I have.

The second thing Cal said was that he refined his ideas around doing Deep Work to:

  • Do fewer things;
  • Work at a natural pace; and
  • obsess over quality.

This sounds great! It’s just not workable in most jobs. If I had a job where I could do this, I’d never want to retire. But the reality of my job, and many other management jobs, is that I simply don’t have that luxury.

I want to do more things, because most of the time I spend on things I need to do rather than what I want to do. My pace is often dictated in a reactionary way, rather than a pace I actually choose. And while quality really matters, I’m often working on timelines that force me to do what’s necessary and then move on.

I’ve discussed this before, the challenge of doing ‘what you need to do’ consumes so much time and energy that there is little of either left for doing ‘things you want to do’. And so it’s not easy to take Cal’s advice. While it is laudable, it’s not realistic to try to achieve. I think writers and artists and similar creative endeavours can aspire to do fewer things, work at a natural pace, and obsess over quality, but most people simply don’t have the luxury to do so. Still that doesn’t mean these things aren’t desirable… I just don’t know anyone who works at a school that can say these are attainable goals.

Let it go

When my youngest daughter gets stressed about something I will often start to sing ‘Let It Go’ from the movie Frozen. I’m an awful singer and she’ll roll her eyes at me. Sometimes she even beats me to the punchline, “…And don’t start singing Let It Go… please.”

If it’s a serious topic, I won’t start to sing, but when she is perseverating on a small issue, I let it rip, nice and loud, “Let it go, let it go!” Just that verse, I honestly don’t know the song that well and have always struggled remembering music lyrics.

What’s interesting though is that it’s always easy to give advice like that to others, but not so easy to feed the same advice to yourself.

There is the saying, ‘Death by a thousand paper cuts’ to suggest no one wound that is fatal but rather the accumulation of many wounds that finally leads to your demise. Sometimes stresses and challenges are like that. No one stressor is too big to handle, but not being able to let go of a thousand little stressors feels overwhelming. Or, life just gets busy with many many stressors then one or two slightly bigger stressors get added and it all seems too much. Just those couple issues on their own would be fine, but they add to an accumulation of things you didn’t let go of and suddenly these slightly bigger items seem gigantic.

It’s not easy to let even little things go when they are sitting on your brain. And sometimes you can’t let go of the problem or challenge, you actually have to face it… and that’s the thing that stresses you out. But the time and energy you spend worrying really doesn’t help. So be it a song, exercise, a quote, or even meditation, the trick is not to let the stressors live in your brain rent free. Stress as you deal with them or ‘let it go’ until you can deal with them. Just don’t think avoiding them altogether works. You aren’t actually letting them go, you’re just not letting them accumulate and consume your thinking when you aren’t dealing with them.

And if this was easy, there would be no reason to get this song stuck in your head.

Big rocks

I remember a story about a professor who teaches students about dealing with all the problems and pressures in their lives. He brings a glass jar to class with some sand, pebbles, and slightly larger rocks. He describes these items as all a person’s problems and challenges, and the jar as the person. He tries to put all these items into the jar, starting with the sand, and they don’t fit. Then he starts with the pebbles, and again they don’t fit. Then he starts with the slightly larger pebbles, puts the smaller pebbles in afterwards and shakes the jar so that the smaller pebbles fall between the larger ones, then pours the sand in, which fills the empty spaces. Everything now fits. The lesson is to pay attention and take care of the biggest problems first and you make room to handle all your problems.

I think it’s a neat story, but I never really agreed fully with the message. I don’t think it’s healthy to always be trying to deal with the big problems you face first. Sometimes if you ignore the little problems for too long, they become bigger problems too. “Kill a snake when it’s small,” my grandfather used to say. And sometimes it’s in dealing with smaller issues that the insight comes as to how a larger issue can be solved.

But sometimes it’s easy to avoid the ‘big rocks’ by staying busy tending to smaller issues, and actually avoiding the bigger ones. That’s when the professor’s advice becomes wise. Kill a big snake before its too big to ever deal with… before it’s too big for your jar.

So when do you deal with the big rocks first? I think it’s an upside down bell curve that should drive your attention.

Imagine an attention graph on a scale from not thinking about something at all to always thinking/worry about something. When you are stuck worrying about a problem too much and, on the other extreme, when you are altogether ignoring that problem, that’s when it should be dealt with swiftly, putting aside other smaller issues. But you can’t spend your life only taking care of your big problems and feel like these big rocks are all that matter. No, they should only be a priority when they are bothering you too much, or when you are trying to escape them. At these points it’s time to face the big problems head on.

That doesn’t mean that you ignore them at all other times, it simply helps you determine when they should be the snake you kill… no matter how big it may be.

If I could turn back time

My oldest daughter leaves for France this morning. She’s going to teach English for 8 months in two very small neighbouring towns on the west coast of Bordeaux. I’m so excited for her, especially since she was supposed to spend a semester abroad in her third year of university and that was cancelled due to the pandemic. She is finally getting the trip she was hoping for 2 years after planning to go. It will be a wonderful adventure for her.

When I did my first university degree, it was in International Development and I told myself, “I’m not going to consider this degree complete until I travel to a developing nation and experience what I’m studying.” That didn’t happen. I ended up spending two years working as a lifeguard, and coaching and playing water polo 6 or 7 days a week, then I moved from Toronto to Vancouver. I didn’t end up doing any major travel until about 18 years after graduation, when I went to live in China.

I live a pretty content life with very little I regret, but if I could turn back time and do one thing differently, I would have travelled more when I was younger. If I could give advice to a younger me, that’s the big thing I’d share… (well, that and buy Apple stocks😀).

I see some high school students excited to head to university and they know exactly what they want to do. To them I think, ‘go for it, good for you!’ But I also see kids that just don’t know what they want to do. For them I think, ‘take a year off!’ Still apply for university if you want, then differ for a year. In both cases, travel and see a bit of the world before settling down in a job.

I didn’t become a teacher until I was 30. I have told both of my kids, “If you finish your degree, travel for 2 years, work for a year, do a whole other degree, and then do a year’s work at something you really wanted to try before finally starting a career… you’d still be ahead of my timeline.” When I’m done my career, I will still have had close to 30 years as an educator. I tell my kids there is time for a career after you try doing a few things you really want to do. And who knows, maybe the adventures you go on lead to a career you truly love.

I’m lucky to have a family and a career that bring me joy, and I know that if I had travelled more, I might never have met my wife and had my two wonderful kids. So I still actually don’t regret the choices I’ve made. But looking back at my younger self, I’d say ‘travel more’ would be the advice I’d give if I could whisper to myself half a lifetime ago.

Out of sync

I wrote a post recently about my routine being disrupted, and a good friend read it then texted me saying, “Hey, be gentle with yourself around the whole routine thing. We’ve been thrown a huge curveball right now and it’s impacting everybody“.

I replied that I’m motivated by making my goals public, and I did indeed improve on my routine. However, my response neglected to really listen to the point he was making. In previous posts I’ve written about the fact that I tend to consistently wake up before my alarm. Last night I was in bed earlier than usual, and while I looked at the click far more often than I usually do, I needed to hear my alarm to wake up for the 4th day in a row. I find this frustrating because I wake up before my wife, and she is a light sleeper, so I know my alarm disturbs her sleep quite a bit.

But as I started to beat myself up about the fact that I can’t seem to do something that I’ve previously found easy to do, I thought of my buddy’s message. Nothing is normal these days. Everywhere I look, things are either disrupted due to Omicron, or someone I know, and/or their family members are dealing with Omicron. Schedules at work have changed, students are all in rows facing the front of the class, and people’s plans and lives are being disrupted.

Extending my buddy’s metaphor, we haven’t just been thrown a curve ball, we have been thrown a curve ball with a wiffle ball. 🤪

Yeah, I’m out of sync, the whole damn world is out of sync! And maybe I have to wake up in the morning with an alarm, like most people do anyway. And maybe my healthy living routine will get disrupted again. And maybe (likely) Omicron visits our immediate family. And maybe I be gentle with myself when I swing and miss the curve balls headed my way.

If you are living a life where things feel somewhat normal, you deserve a trophy. And if you aren’t feeling like things are normal right now, be kind to yourself and know that it’s perfectly ok to be feeling the way you do. Give yourself a break… you deserve it! (And so do I.)

Passion and Compassion

Had a chat with my parents yesterday for their 55th Anniversary. My dad was sharing that he spoke to one of my daughters earlier in the day and her gave her some advice.

“Live life with passion and compassion,” he told her. When you find a job you love, it’s not work, it’s a vocation. And so you can live a life of following your interests with passion. And then, don’t forget to have compassion for your fellow man.

Simple, thoughtful advice. Be passionate about the things you do, and be compassionate to those who are less fortunate or who could use your help or support.

“Live life with passion and compassion.” ~ Abraham Truss

Good advice at the wrong time

“Good advice at the wrong time is bad advice. 

Life is full of seasons and each season has different requirements. 

Know what season you are in, and you can better identify which ideas to utilize.” – James Clear

The first line in this quote really hit me!

“Good advice at the wrong time is bad advice.“

My immediate thought was parenting, and then I thought of teaching. You know when a kid screws up and you ask, “What were you thinking?” Well, pretty much anything you say after that, no matter how good, will not be appreciated or learned from. At this point one of two things is happening in the kid’s brain: Either they have already got your point and now you are rubbing it in, or they’ve switched off.

Ever get in an argument with someone you love and live with? When you are right, and you know that they know you are right, is that enough to let it go? Do you let it go?

When advice, lessons, corrections… no matter how wise… are tossed around at the wrong time, how effective is it?

“Good advice at the wrong time is bad advice.“

Giving myself a break

Yesterday after school I had a long conversation with a friend, and he shared some feedback I really needed to hear. I’ve been on a healthy living journey for a couple years now, and things have been going well. But as we opened up to each other about how things are going, I mentioned to him that there is a goal that I’m just not moving forward with. I told him that despite 2 years of things being positive, I can’t seem to make a shift with this goal.

That’s when he told me to give myself a break.

He reminded me that although I’ve been improving my health, I have not been on a fully positive journey for two years. He remained me that it wasn’t until February, just under a year ago, that I was running 3 schools, working ridiculous hours, and feeling overwhelmed. He reminded me that only a few weeks after that we were on lockdown for a global pandemic we are still dealing with.

He acknowledged that I’m in a good place, meeting many of my goals and that even now work is extremely busy. And he told me that he has mentioned me to his partner, telling her that I’m someone that is really doing well right now. And he told me that he knows many others not doing nearly as well right now.

I needed to hear this.

I can’t beat myself up for not doing more right now. I need to give myself a break.

Stop pig wrestling

Like my Papa used to say, “Never wrestle a pig, you both get dirty but the big likes it.”

I’ve shared that quote before and also said, ‘Bad ideas get unwarranted publicity when the battles get messy… and the weak-minded get fuel to oppose good ideas when those with the good ideas act in bad faith. You do not have to ‘turn the other cheek’ but you do have to act in a way that is decent and good, if you want to fight for things that are decent and good.‘

Recently, across many social media platforms, I’ve seen people using the strategy of sharing hurtful, mean, and ignorant comments from internet trolls, and doing one of two things: 1. Calling out the person for being mean (or essentially saying ‘ouch’ or ‘look at this idiot’). Or, 2. Sharing it to launch an attack.

While I get why, and understand that sharing like this can garner sympathy, or feel like a way to vindicate yourself, or attack the attacker… this is a bad idea! It’s pig wrestling.

These people aren’t worth your time. They don’t deserve you, or those who follow you on these platforms, as an audience. Don’t surrender your time and energy to them. They. Aren’t. Worth. It!

Delete the comment, block the idiot.

Let me say that again: You get a rude/mean/nasty comment on a social media post, so what do you do?

1. DELETE 2. BLOCK.

… and move on. They don’t deserve your time; they don’t deserve your attention; they don’t deserve your mental energy. So why give it to them? Why allow them more time in your thoughts than they deserve?

They are pigs. Don’t let them get you dirty just because they like to get dirty. And hey, I get that it’s hard to turn the other cheek sometimes, and if they threaten you in some way, then sure, take it seriously. But most internet trolls are playing a game, they are purposefully trying to engage and enrage you. To steal your time and attention, and to hurt your feelings. The act of mud wrestling with these losers helps them win.

You want to strike back at these mean people making mean comments? Diffuse their energy by not giving them any of yours: Delete. Block. And move on to spend time and energy on people that are better than them.

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Addendum: I’m not suggesting you delete and block people just because they disagree with you, this is only about comments with malice intent. We don’t learn from them but we can learn from people who disagree with us.

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I wrote this a decade ago:

I remember watching The Razor’s Edge years ago. Bill Murray plays Larry Darrell a taxi driver ‘in search of himself’ who at one point serves as an ambulance driver in World War II. His partner/co-attendant Piedmont is a sour man that is bitter and unpleasant.

If memory serves me correctly there are also two wonderfully optimistic, volunteer, British ambulance drivers that work with Larry and Piedmont. In a scene, these two happy-go-lucky ambulance attendants have engine trouble as they attempt to bring injured soldiers to safety while under fire. Stalled, the Brits attempt to repair their ambulance while enemy fire pinpoints their stationary location. Bombs get closer and closer until they blow up the ambulance, killing these two men. Larry is distraught and the bitter Piedmont says a few kind words about how nice these two were and then says, to Larry’s disgust, “They will be forgotten.”

Later, Piedmont is killed (I don’t remember how), and in a monologue Larry talks of this unruly, unkind and cantankerous man and then says, “He will be remembered.”

I was still a teenager when I saw this movie but it has a powerful lasting affect on me. I realized then and there that we tend to pay far more attention to people and things that are negative and annoy us than on the things we should be happy and appreciative about. I’d like to think that this is learned and not human nature. We don’t have to focus on the negative, and we are better people when we don’t.

My Monkey Brain

I understand that meditation isn’t about emptying my mind, that it’s about bringing my attention back to the present and what I’m doing, such as focus on my breathing. But sometimes my monkey brain just can’t stop. It’s like I’m chasing my own tail, going in circles and wondering why it’s always out of reach?

I go through a few minutes at a time where I can’t focus on my breath for two breaths without my mind bouncing around and being distracted.

Not. Even. Two. Breaths.

It’s like a bad dream where my goal is always just beyond my reach. I know where I want to go, I just can’t get there.

I think I need some tips. I’m open to suggestions.