Category Archives: Daily-Ink

3 parts to an apology

I’ve used this with grade 2 students, and I’ve used it all the way up to grade 12. I’ve been using it as a teacher and principal for close to 20 years now and find it very effective. When a student needs to do an apology, I prep both students first.

The apology receiver:

This prep involves two parts, first, being clear about what they are upset about. This is something that can be explicit like ‘he hit me’ but sometimes the victim is hurt about something very specific and if it isn’t clear, then the apology might not actual satisfy the receiver of the apology.

Also important is prepping their response. “You don’t have to say anything, it’s their choice to apologize. If you do feel like saying something, please don’t say, ‘That’s OK’ or anything like that. What they did wasn’t ok, that’s why they are apologizing. If you choose to say something, you can thank them for saying what they said, you can share why you felt hurt, but it’s not your job to tell them what they did was ok.”

I sometimes also tell them about the 3 parts of the apology, but I don’t share this with both people at the same time.

The apology giver:

In advance I share the 3 parts of an apology, and they share what they plan to say. Rehearsal in advance helps a lot! Here are the 3 parts of an apology:

1. Saying “I’m sorry”.

2. Saying what you are specifically sorry for.

3. In the future…

For part 1, I make sure the apologizer is ready to truly apologize… it needs to be authentic.

For part 2, I explain, “I’ve heard an apology before where the person just said sorry sarcastically, and it sounded like the only thing they were sorry about was getting caught. If you are going to truly apologize, you need the person to know what you are sorry for.”

For part 3, I have them think in advance about what they would do if the same situation were to arise in the future (this is called future pacing and it provides alternative possibilities if a similar situation arises again). Example, “If I get upset at you again I’ll use my words or talk to a teacher instead of hitting.”

After the apology is done, I’ll make sure the receiver is satisfied, then I’ll share that I’m satisfied too but if it happens again, then I’m not going to be convinced the apology was authentic.

The best part of this 3-step apology process is that when it’s specific and authentic like this, I find repeat offences rarely occur. And, the receiver of the apology will often share more than they need to. Sometimes this evokes empathy. Sometimes the receiver will admit they had a part to play in the incident too, and might even apologize as well. This is really powerful because then I can use it as a bit of leverage saying something like, ‘We didn’t come together for you to apologize, it wasn’t necessary as part of this process, and so I really want to thank you for seeing how you can help make things better in the future too.’

Sometimes an apology isn’t enough and there needs to be further consequences. When that’s the case, I always make sure the consequences are shared before an apology. If an apology happens then the person apologizing receives a consequence after the apology, they might feel the apology was a waste of time. They might blame the victim for the consequences because they thought the apology was authentic (they honestly tried) then still got punished. So, any consequences beyond the apology need to be clearly dealt with before the apology.

In the end this isn’t about punishment and consequences. A good apology is about letting go of the past and ‘making things right’ in the future.

The geography lottery

You don’t pick your parents. You don’t pick your country of birth. My grandfather was born in the Ukraine. I could have been too. My other grandfather escaped Poland before the second invasion in WWII. Much of his family that didn’t escape perished. I could have never come into existence.

There are children being born today that will have little or no chance of ever going to school beyond high school. Others who will start work before their 10th birthday. Still others that will know hunger in ways we never will.

We take for granted the opportunities we are given. We complain about things that others would consider a luxury… I wish my car had heated seats. I wish I had the latest phone. I asked for onion rings but they gave me fries.

Sometimes it’s worth pausing for a moment to appreciate that through sheer luck of birth, we have been given opportunities others will never get. We won a lottery that others dream of winning. Be grateful. Be thankful. Be generous. Be kind in thoughts, words, and deeds… Especially to those that have not been as lucky.

Take 6 minutes to watch

KENYA’S AMBASSADOR TO UN MARTIN KIMANI’S SPEECH ON UKRAINE-RUSSIA CRISIS WOWS THE WORLD!!

https://youtu.be/ZxZlaiuicYM

It is seldom that I hear a world leader who understands that we can not live in the past. There are so many places in the world where a challenging history of strife and unrest cause an unstable future. Disputed borders create unstable societies and civil unrest. Countless people suffer and die unnecessarily.

War and force are not the answer.

“We must complete our recovery from the embers of dead empires in a way that does not plunge us back into new ways of domination and oppression.”

This message by Martin Kimani needs to be shared with all world leaders. It is timeless and will apply to our world for years, even decades to come.

An extra day

This past weekend was a 3-day weekend, and it was wonderful to get the extra day off. I feel like I had a holiday. It’s amazing the difference between a two-day and a three-day weekend. If I were ever to start a company, I think I’d institute a 4-day work week.

I’m looking forward to work today. I feel well rested. I have thought about some goals I really want to get to. I finished an audio book that I had about 10 hours to listen to at the start of the weekend.

How different would life be if the work week was just 4 days long? Would people be more productive either at work or at home? Would happiness be greater or would people fall into a similar pattern of happiness that we have now? What would a world with 4 day weeks do to the overall creativity expressed by people?

I’d love to see an entire country try this out. I think the first thing you’d notice is positive immigration… I know I’d like to live there!

The slump

My personal best archery score in a Vegas 300 is 289. I’ve done this a few times, first in May of 2021 and most recently again in December. But I’ve been in a slump for most of 2022. In fact, I’ve had a couple scores lower than I’ve seen since before I got my personal best last May.

Today I seemed to have turned a corner and I scored a 288.

In fact, had I not had one bad shot at the top of the tenth end, I would have tied or even beaten my record.

Slumps are never fun, and this was one where I just didn’t know what I was doing wrong? I ended up moving closer and shooting again and again at closer range until I felt successful enough to move further away. This seemed to work.

I believe the slump is finally over and I’m anticipating a new record soon. It’s time to get the monkey off my back and finally score in the 299’s.

Perfection Paralysis

Most of us can’t imagine working on something for an hour or two then ripping it up or clicking ‘Select All’ and then hitting delete. But for students who are bitten by the perfectionist bug, it’s just something they do when what they’ve done doesn’t meet the high standard they place on themselves. They will miss a deadline because what they have written will only get them a low ‘A’, rather than a much higher one that they have their heart set on. They will have done 2 hours work on something they think will get them a 90%, then another hour and a half making it a 95%.

This is achievable for a perfectionist working on one project, but will absolutely bury them when they are trying to do this on 3 or 4 assignments simultaneously. The thing is, trying to tell a perfectionist something is ‘good enough’ is like telling a Golden Lab to save some food for later. It’s just not in their nature.

The message we try to give at our school, which has its fair share of perfectionists, is to choose your perfectionism. Don’t disregard it, but use it in some places and not in others. We do agile/scrum projects where part of the project is ‘defining done’ so that students can achieve tasks and move on, rather than spending too long on too many parts. We set challenging timelines where the focus is on completion rather than perfection.

It’s not about taking perfectionism away from a perfectionist, this is a skill many others need to learn. Instead, it’s about helping them learn to harness this skill without it consuming them. It’s about channeling perfectionism where it matters, on projects that matter, and not overwhelmingly on everything. It’s not a habit to break, it’s a skill to use when doing things where perfectionism makes a difference, rather than being something that consumes a kid with unrealistic stress and hours of wasted time.

Ripples over time

Facebook reminded me that I just recently passed 14 years since moving from teaching to administration. My FB memory led me to reread this post, Ripples and Tidal Waves, which I wrote 2 weeks after my promotion. I had so many things that came together at that time, which led to me being a presenter at Alan November’s conference a couple years running. I was even toying with the idea to go and work for Alan. How different my life would be now if that was a wave I chose to ride!

Looking back to that point, I had no idea what was in store for me. Living in China for 2 years? Not even a consideration back then, but I did just that a year and a half later. Co-founding a public, inquiry based school? Not on the radar. The only thing I can say that was expected is that I’d still be blogging all these years later.

We never know how circumstances and decisions will end up rippling and leading us to different opportunities and challenges, but we are fortunate when we can look back to a point in our careers 14 years ago and think, “This has been a great journey I’ve been on!” From here, I have less than 1/2 this time until I retire, and so I’m left wondering what ripples lie before me? Retirement for me will not mean gardening or golfing, and I can’t sit still for too long, so in the next few years I need to look for the ripples that come my way… or I need to make them.

Smelly cat

Yesterday morning our cat was covered in sawdust from our renovation, his eyes were streaming and he smelled like chemicals. We were extremely concerned that he poisoned himself, and gave him a bath to get the chemicals off. It wasn’t fun! At one point I had a claw stuck in me and no matter what I tried our struggling cat just stuck the claw in deeper. This is from a cat that never scratches us.

It was only after the bath was done and the vet was called for an appointment did we go outside and smell the same smell outside. Turns out that in his early morning wanderings our cat was sprayed by a skunk. Our retired neighbour was kind enough to take our cat to the vet while we went to work.

When we got home last night we gave him another bath, this time with tomato juice, and some baking soda. He’s going to need another one of these baths tonight. Now that he is curled up under my chin as I write this, I can unmistakably smell skunk. However, when it happened yesterday it was very much a chemical smell that didn’t make me think of this very familiar smell.

The good news, he isn’t poisoned. The bad news, we have a smelly cat.

Eye Spy

I bet everyone has a story about how they almost lost an eye. A projectile of some sort just missed their eye; the corner of a car door; something in their hand that just missed their eye when they fell. There’s always a harrowing close call where someone could have lost an eye but didn’t. It’s amazing that there aren’t more people walking around our planet with an eye patch or glass eye.

There are however, a lot of people that wear glasses to improve the sight they do have. I’m just getting to that point now. When my eyes are tired I struggle to read on my phone and I depend on some 1.25 magnifiers to help me keep things in focus. It’s amazing how we’ve been able to improve the vision of people who would otherwise live in a blurry world.

A little luck, and a little science keeps us seeing the world clearly, with perspective, out of two eyes. And our world is filled with wonderful things to see. Beautiful people, food, sunsets, and all sorts of amazing things from the smallest of creatures to the vastness of distant stars in the night sky.

Sight is a gift, and it’s amazing to think of how lucky we are to see the world in all of its splendour. I don’t think we spend enough time appreciating how lucky we are to see. .

Sunny disposition

Maybe it’s from growing up in Barbados. Maybe it’s just human nature. When I wake up and know I’m going to see clear skies and a sunny day, my whole day ahead brightens.

No matter how much I want to be internally motivated, the outside world affects my mood. And so, while I can’t control the weather, I can control the people I choose to surround myself with… and I choose people who have a sunny disposition and/or people who bring the sunny disposition out of me.

There’s a reason why I call my kids ‘My Sunshines’. There’s a reason I call delightful students in my school Sunshine. It’s my nickname for people who brighten my day.

I hope you surround yourself with sunshine too… no matter what the weather.