Tag Archives: relationships

Small mountains

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We’ve all heard the term, ‘Making mountains out of molehills’, and understand what it means. What we don’t realize is how often we do it. It’s easy to see when someone else does it, but not us. No, our escalated concerns are little mountains. They aren’t mole hills. Other people do that, not us. Our concerns are real… or rather really big.

Except they are not.

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Being a school principal involves a lot of deciding how big to make an issue. Dismissing a problem is only allowing it to get bigger. Overreacting to a small problem can bring too much attention to it and make it bigger.

Being overly supportive of one side of an issue can make the other side escalate the size of the issue. Being neutral can equally exasperate the issue and create a mountain out of a molehill.

An insincere apology can be worse than no apology. Too harsh or illogical of a consequence can be as harmful as being too easy. Because to kids, to young adults learning to navigate the world, their mole hills are little mountains. To them the issues are not small.

But if we’re honest, we think our mole hills are mountains too… and that’s an important point to keep in mind when we get a little frustrated wondering why these little issues seem so big to everyone else.

The difference between a mountain and a mole hill might not be the size of the problem, but simply a matter of perspective. And that’s a perspective worth keeping in mind.

Breaking bread

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I’ve had a few opportunities to have lunch with, to break bread with, colleagues in the past several weeks. Having a meal together, outside of the usual staffroom with its comfortable banter is a treat. It is a good reminder of the fact that we all have lives outside of this thing called work.

I find that my connections to people can become fixed in a place-based kind of experience, and we all play the roles we are supposed to play… to leave that environment and break bread is an opportunity to find new connections, to be ourselves and not just our roles.

Information abundance requires pattern recognition

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What a fantastic quote by Adam Grant,

“The hallmark of expertise is no longer how much you know. It’s how well you synthesize.

Information scarcity rewarded knowledge acquisition. Information abundance requires pattern recognition.

It’s not enough to collect facts. The future belongs to those who connect dots.”

Pattern recognition and synthesis are the path to innovation, ingenuity, and invention. The collection of knowledge is not enough. Wisdom comes from recognizing how to make connections across different fields, how to make meaning out of relationships that not everyone sees.

Artificial Intelligence can give us the knowledge we seek. It can dumb down the ideas to our level of understanding, and even teach us with relevant examples when we are stuck. More information won’t be what we seek. Instead we will seek new connections, patterns, and relationships.

The desired experts of tomorrow are probably not the siloed experts we once sought. Instead they will be information generalists who understand how to take information from different fields, identify relationships others don’t see, and synthesize information such that they can tell a story others won’t know to tell.

How are we preparing the next generation of learners for this new future? How will schools need to change to help students prepare for the future in a world of abundant and easily accessible information? It certainly won’t be by feeding them content. Instead, the future of education lies in creating challenges where students need to synthesize information and recognize connections and patterns across different fields of study.

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Related: My ‘Transforming Our Learning Metaphors’ Ignite Presentation from almost a decade ago.

The blame game

It’s easier to point a finger outward than it is to point it inward.

It’s more comfortable to see the faults in others than to accept the faults of our own.

It’s less work to hold others accountable than to accept responsibility.

Accusations are not as scary as being vulnerable.

It’s simpler to rationalize than it is to be critically introspective.

Accepting responsibility rather than blaming is hard work. Owning your own shit is hard work. Making things right when things have gone wrong is hard work… especially since sometimes right just means better, and no matter what you do, you can’t get back to the way things used to be.

But when you play the blame game nothing gets better. In fact, things usually get worse. Most punishment and discipline is about blame. Being restorative means sharing the responsibility to make things better.

Accepting ownership of your own actions and consequences, that’s when personal growth happens. That’s when we get unstuck. That’s when we begin to create an empowered reality rather than a sense of victimization.

How do we make things better? That’s not always an easy question to ask, and it’s usually very hard to answer. But the answer is never blame.

Closing the gap

There are people, both friends and family, for whom time between connections always seems small. You don’t see a friend for months, even years, and when you finally reconnect the distance that has passed disappears.

More lines on our faces, more grey in our hair or less hair, but the same person, the same relationship, the same bond remains. Time moves more slowly when the bond between friends is strong. It is as if the time between meeting is somehow time-shifted. Just as Einstein’s theory of relativity explains how traveling faster slows time down, it seems that gaps of time between friends meeting has a relativity to it.

The time gap travels closer to the speed of light. All other experiences between visits race by in the blink of an eye, and the time between visits disappears. Friendships have a relative time that closes the gap between visits. And when friends meet again it is as if the gap between visits was nothing but a passing moment.

There is a general relativity of friendship, and rooted within it friendship is timeless.

Evening walk

When I arrived home yesterday I felt pretty wiped out. I could tell that I was not going to do much for the evening. A long day followed by dinner and just about nothing else. Then my wife suggested a walk.

We had a great walk. We bumped into people we knew and had a wonderful conversation, and we came back home feeling refreshed.

I take a lot of walks with my wife and also with a good friend. And yet I am still in awe of how much they can change my disposition; how they can alter my mood.

There is something special about walking with someone you care about. Last week I walked with my daughter and it was the most we talked in months. That’s mostly because I was on holidays away from her the entire summer, but it was still a great conversation we had, and would not have had if she didn’t suggest the walk.

Need some time to connect or reconnect with someone? Skip the coffee shop or pub and go for a walk.

Different kinds of smart

Some of the smartest people I know didn’t do well in school. Two in particular got into trades are are both very successful and run their own business. Both have more saved for their retirement than I ever will. Both have a common sense intelligence that is superior to mine.

I have a sister who is street smart. I’d say she’s also people smart. She can read a situation and read people better than others can read a book. She builds strong friendships with people who will do anything for her, because they know she’d do the same for them. Lucky things happen to her because she creates her own luck, with no expectations of an outcome. Some people do a kindness expecting praise or accolades, she just wants to do good, and good things happen to her as a result.

Have you ever meet someone that your pet was drawn to? They share a bond with animals that seems effortless. I’m not just talking about someone who goes out of their way to connect with an animal, but rather someone who the animal reaches out to. They seem to communicate with animals nonverbally.

There are many forms of giftedness. Many natural talents that can be fostered and developed. Sometimes it seems connected to a disposition, a positive outlook. Other times it can be intuitive, a knowledge that seems unlearned yet fully acquired. And still other times it can be connected to perspective, and seeing things from points of view that others miss. Some of this can be honed and learned, and some of it just seems to be a natural intelligence.

None of these kind of smarts limit someone from being a good student. But sometimes intuitively or creatively smart people don’t do well in school. We need to recognize peoples gifts independently from their grades. We need to recognize that there are different kinds of smart.

Battling the inner demons

I’m listening to a book now that has two main characters who are both cautiously interested in each other and doubting that the other person is interested in them. It’s a little painful because they should have recognized the other’s attraction by now. So, while as a reader I’m waiting for the inevitable, I do appreciate the author’s perspective on both characters self-doubt… and how they are fighting their inner demons about their own appeal, their own value of what they can offer to the other person.

I wonder how many relationships flounder not because of lack of interest, but rather lack of confidence? How many people don’t initiate intimacy for fear of rejection? It happens in books all the time. Is that indicative of what really happens, or is it more likely that the attraction is one-way? Is it more if an external imbalance of interest in one another or more internal conflict holding back advances?

How often do people succumb to their inner demons and not move forward? Not just in relationships, in their studies, in their jobs, in sports, and even in hobbies?

“I’m not good enough for that team, why even try out?” (Or worse yet, “Why practice more, it won’t make a difference.”

“They won’t want to hire me.”

“They don’t see my value, I’ll get rejected if I ask for a raise.”

“My photos aren’t good enough to submit in the contest.”

How often do our inner demons prevent us from trying?

Bridging metaphors

In a conversation with Joe Truss yesterday, we were talking about bridging metaphors, and how they connect ideas in ways that simple comparisons do not. It occurred to us that the idea itself of a bridging metaphor is a metaphor… the word ‘bridge’ takes the physical idea of a bridge and transforms a relationship into something more tangible to understand.

The world is filled with metaphorical bridges. When we make a transition we often use a bridge metaphor of ‘crossing over’ or taking us from one place to the next. Or we find bridges as meeting points in arguments or negotiations.

Whether we are ‘meeting half way’, ‘not worrying until we have to cross that bridge’, or building bridges between people or ideas, we are using the bridge as a metaphor. We are constructing a way to get us over a challenge.

In many ways the idea of a metaphorical bridge is more powerful than a physical bridge. We yearn for metaphorical bridges. A perfect example of this is the discrepancies between Newtonian Physics and Relativity. We seek the bridge. We want to know why the math for each do not mesh and we want that unifying theory to ‘bridge the gap’. We seek bridges to make sense of the world, of relationships between people (connection and communication) and ideas, not just geography.

The biggest challenge we face in the next few decades is that of bridge building. It seems the terrain is getting tougher to pass rather than easier. Countries at war, religious beliefs fostering hate, political parties not willing to show any sign of cooperation, of ‘meeting part way’.

As a species we seem to spend more time tearing down bridges than building them. We need to change this. We need to be metaphorical bridge builders. We need to construct ways of getting over the challenges we face. We need to support ideas that bring us closer together.

((And in case you missed it, both of the last two sentences are bridging metaphors.))

Not going to win

We are always told to look for the win-win. How can you help both sides of an argument feel like they are getting what they want? The flaw in this is when one side just doesn’t want anything that the other side would consider acceptable. When one side is fixated on a specific outcome, it’s not about working to ‘a’ solution, it’s about working towards ‘their’ solution… the one pre-set and pre-loaded as the only perceivable resolution.

I recently had to deal with a conflict that seemed like it was at a complete impasse. I heard both sides of the argument and was able to negotiate a solution that was acceptable to everyone. It worked because I suggested a much longer timeline. On one side, the person would get what they wanted, but on a slower timeline. On the other side, more work had to be done but in a much more realistic timeline. Easy enough to do, and both sides agreed. In all honesty, I didn’t think it would go as well as it did, and it wouldn’t have if both sides weren’t willing to compromise.

But sometimes one side will be a complete ‘stick in the mud’. Negotiations are halted before they even start because one side refuses to make any concessions. The term “stick to your guns” comes to mind. The thing is, that often ends up feeling like a lose-lose situation.

I’m not saying that people always need to meet in the middle. In fact the middle is seldom the best place to land. But holding a hard line to make a point, or expecting concessions with no compromise seldom leaves anyone feeling that they’ve won.