Tag Archives: parenting

Parents as Partners

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This week we had a student IEP (Individualized Education Plan) meeting with a family. It was a meeting that really could not have gone better. It involved both parents and an advocate, myself and three teachers. From start to finish the meeting was focused on one thing: how do we work together to provide the best possible environment for their child/our student to thrive?

When everyone has the same objective, it almost always makes a meeting go well. But sometimes it’s clear that it isn’t just the objectives that are similar but also the approach, and then it’s easy for strategies to be put into place and for everyone to come out of the meeting feeling like we truly are partners working together.

Way back in 2009-10, when I was living in China and working as a principal in a foreign national school, I shared a series in my school newsletters that I called ‘Parents as Partners’. While some of the links I shared no longer work, the messages still hold true.

I started the post saying this:

“I firmly believe that “It takes a community to raise a child” and so without cooperation and communication between a school and their parent community, ‘we’ cannot fully support our children and their learning. That said, I often wonder about how we can more meaningfully engage parents in a way that they want to be engaged.”

You can head to that post to see some of the ideas I shared… and you are welcome to use anything there for yourself, editing as you see fit.

Parenting adults

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As an educator, I’ve seen the struggle some parents have with creating boundaries. For example, there are parents who don’t parent because they don’t want to undermine their friendship with their kid. They don’t parent their kid, they raise a buddy. From my experience, this is not good parenting of a school-aged kid. Kids need parental guidance, not just a supportive friend.

As a parent of two young adults, things change.

My wife and I took our youngest out for a birthday dinner last night. It’s hard to believe that my baby girl is 24! During the dinner she made a simple statement, “I’m so glad you two aren’t just my parents but friends I want to be around too.”

That hit a chord with me. My kids aren’t just my kids anymore. They are adults who I enjoy being around, who I want to spend time with, who I miss when I don’t see them. It’s not just that they are my kids, it’s not just that I’m their parent, they are amazing people I want in my life.

That simple statement said so much. It made me feel lucky, blessed. My wife and I raised two awesome kids, and they in turn have given us the ultimate gift in return… they enjoy our company as much as we enjoy theirs. ❤️

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Ps. All that said, I’m still Dad, they are still my kids, as my youngest reminded my by sending me a TikTok about all the things she’ll never learn to do… because that’s a dad’s job! 😆

Parent influence

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In my early years of teaching I had a student, Caitlyn, who seemed to have everything ‘together’ which is not something you usually say about a Grade 8 kid. (I think it’s ok to use her real name, she would be around 40 years old now.) She was bright, a good student, polite, kind, and helpful, with a good sense of humour and just the right dose of confidence.

Caitlyn came to me one day to tell me she didn’t have her homework because she did it the night before at her dad’s house, forgot it there, and then slept at her mom’s last night. Up to that point, I didn’t even know her parents were divorced. A while later we had student led conferences and both parents came. The way they interacted with Caitlyn and each other, I would never have guessed they were divorced. I remember thinking that there is no way Caitlyn could have been so ‘together’ if her parents were angry and bickering and making a battle out of the divorce.

Kids are incredibly influenced by their parents. I’ve seen this time and again. A parent is quick to blame others for something their kid did, so is the kid. But it’s not just kids mirroring their parents. A parent puts up hard, unrealistic expectations, a student rebels and refuses to play along. The point being, parents have incredible power to influence their kids and that influence cannot be understated.

How do we as parents treat others? Respond to stress? How do we value community, physical fitness, diet, diversity? It’s not a perfect match, but I’ve seen over and over again just how much parents influence their kids.

I was reminded of this again when I met another Caitlyn-like kid. It was an interview situation for our school and in the interview I watched the way her mom supported her, encouraged her, and gave her space to be her own person. The kid was an absolute gem, and I could tell this was fostered and nurtured at home.

It’s not a perfect correlation, and I even know families where you’d swear the siblings had different parents because their personalities and dispositions were so different. But time and again, I’ve seen the difference good parents make. Kids can be awesome despite their parents, but good parenting goes a long way to fostering great kids.

The Last Time Theory

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I love this trend that’s going around. Parents are getting their grown kids to do things like jump into their arms, and wrap their feet around them, like they used to do as a little kid, to give a big hug for one last time. The theory is that you don’t remember the last time your kid did this, so do it one last time so that you will remember.

Back on Christmas Day 2024 I wrote ‘Firsts and Lasts’ about this same idea. The post, written to my daughters, starts like this:

“I remember. 

I remember the moment in the hospital when I first laid eyes on you; the first time I held you, and kissed your cheek. I remember your first smile, (that wasn’t just passing gas), your first laugh, and the first time you said, ‘Da-da’. I remember your first steps. There were so many firsts in those early days and, although they slowed, they still kept coming. From your first tooth to your first tooth falling out. From your first day at daycare to your first day at school. And from your first birthday to your last one as a teenager.

And so it is that I remember many firsts, but unfortunately I don’t remember too many lasts. 

I don’t remember the last time you fell asleep on my chest or came running towards me and jumped unabashedly into my arms for a big hug. I don’t remember the last time we were walking together and you reached up to hold my hand. I don’t remember the last time I did a push up with you on my back, or the last time you danced on my feet, or the last time I gave you a piggyback.

And such is life that as we grow up together, parent and child, we carry with us these moments, momentous ‘first’ occasions, but we never know what other forgotten moments disappear as we get older. We remember the firsts, not the lasts. We savour the memories of so many special occasions, and we lament those things that we take for granted only after they no longer happen.”

There are a lot of silly trends that go viral, and send ripples across the internet. This one isn’t silly, it’s heartwarming and wonderful. Parents trying to recapture a special moment with their child long after they’ve done something for the last time. I hope this trends lasts a while and impacts a lot of people.

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((Cover image source))

Not the same mistakes

Before I share this, no, it’s not a reflection on my parenting. I’m not wallowing in worry about how I’m messing my kids up. This is just one of the most powerful comics I’ve ever seen, and I think about it a lot as a school principal. Also, profanity warning for the comic below.

Now that I’ve got the disclaimer out of the way, let me share that I think this is one of the most challenging times to grow up in the last few decades. More young adults are living longer with their parents, or committing long hours to be able to afford rent. Many have not hit 25 yet and they don’t see themselves ever owning a house, or having a back yard like the one they had as a kid. Many more are disillusioned by what they see in the news and on social media.

Meanwhile, parents are doing their best not to make the mistakes of their parents, and yet struggling to navigate what that looks like. Some parents are doing all they can to help a disengaged kid stay in school. Others are lost trying to figure out inappropriate behavior. Still others are doing everything to protect their child, but preventing them from learning from failure. And still others are doing everything ‘right’, which works for one kid and doesn’t work for another.

And those are the resourceful parents that are trying their absolute best. They aren’t the divorced parents who fight in front of the kids every time the kids are passed off. They aren’t the ones struggling with their own demons of abuse, drugs, or mental illness. Still doing the best they can with the skills they have, but just not skilled in ways that support their kids.

We don’t want to make the same mistakes our parents did. We don’t want to follow the same patterns. That can be, but probably isn’t, a disparaging complaint about our own parents. Rather it’s a recognition that we want to do better, be better.

But try as we might, family dynamics is challenging, the world we live in is challenging, and this comic sums up the parenting challenge perfectly.

Open house

This weekend my oldest daughter and four of her friends came to stay with us from Vancouver Island. It was a full house. This reminded me of my childhood house in Toronto.

We always had people over. I can remember, on several occasions, bringing an entire waterpolo team to stay at our place. Sleeping bags laid out side-by-side covered most most of the basement floor space. My mom would buy 3 or 4 dozen buns, cold cut meats, and drinking boxes for everyone.

After I left for university, I lost my bedroom to my youngest sister. So summers at home meant sleeping in the basement. By then we had two beds down there and often my sister’s boyfriend would sleep down there in the other bed. There were nights I’d come home after midnight and attempt to go in one bed and someone, one of my sister’s friends, would be in the bed. Then I’d see someone in the other bed, and head up to sleep on the couch. I’d leave the next morning early, not even knowing who used the beds the night before? This seemed normal. We took in house guests like strays… giving them shelter, and feeding them.

Before that, when I was still in elementary and junior high school, I’d come home some days and my friends were already over eating cookies and milk or watching tv in our basement. They would get ‘home’ before me, and make themselves at home. In fact, my mom would leave the front door unlocked and friends wouldn’t even knock. They knew it was an open house, and they would come in and declare their presence, saying ‘hi’ to my mom in the kitchen, our shouting towards the stairs that they were visiting, to let my mom know they were there. Sometimes my mom would just yell back to them to help themselves to a snack, not even coming down the stairs to greet them.

Our house was open, our fridge was open, even the dinner table was open. We were a family of 5 then 6 after my 3rd sister was born when I was 14, but my mom routinely cooked for more… not knowing if one or two of our friends were staying for dinner. We were not wealthy and this was definitely a strain on my parents, but as kids we didn’t have a clue about this, and neither did my or my sister’s friends.

We just knew that the doors were open and our friends are always welcome. While my wife and I certainly weren’t as open as that, it’s also a different time. Still, with our girls now both in their 20’s, they both know our house is their house, and friends are always welcome. I really like that.

The behaviour not the child

It is a simple thing to understand but not always an easy thing to do. When a kid messes up, you can focus on the behaviour that was inappropriate or you can address the kid as inappropriate. When you deal with the behavior, you give the kid a choice not to behave that way. When you deal with the kid, you are telling them that they are bad. Not what they did, they are bad.

What were you thinking? (That teenage brain probably wasn’t thinking.)

How could you do such a thing? (As opposed to ‘what other choices could you have made?’)

You should be ashamed of yourself! (Does the idea of shame make you feel resourceful and help you learn? I doubt it.)

Addressing the behaviour allows the kid to see that behaviour is a choice. Having them come up with alternate options is a way for them to see how their behaviour can change. It’s a way to help them see that the future can be different… just like in my 3rd part of an apology, students can see how a different behaviour can produce a more effective result.

You can be disappointed in a kid, but they need to know you are disappointed with their behaviour. Because if they decide that you are right, and they are just a disappointment… there isn’t the same incentive to change the behavior compared to if the kid feels empowered to change. If the kid feels like you believe they are not only capable of change but that the change is something you would expect from them, then the experience can lead to positive change… to positive changes in behaviour. A good kid can now show you that they made a bad choice.

You can’t have both

Sometimes you have to choose. You reach a fork in the road and you have to make a choice. Too often kids try to take two paths at the same time. They want the benefits of two competing options and so they try to do everything. Two sports with game times on the same day is a perfect example, but there are many more ways they try.

The hardest thing to tell a kid that wants to ‘do it all’ is to just pick one. Sometimes it’s a good life lesson to have them try both paths, but sometimes it’s better to draw a hard line and say ‘you have to choose’. Sometimes trying both means being successful in neither.

Successful people don’t spread themselves too thin. They don’t try to be the best at everything. They don’t half-commit to more things than they can handle. For a kid, sometimes a guiding hand is needed, and an ultimatum. As an adult it’s about drawing those lines yourself. It’s about being able to say ‘No’. It’s about understanding that you can’t always add more and still add value.

Sometimes the choice needs to be either/or, not both.

A dad’s secret

I love this.

I saw this TikTok last night and it really warmed my heart. A dad kept a childhood secret from his kid until she was 32 and had her own kids. Her dad would take her and her siblings to the beach to go shell fishing, but would go to a souvenir shop first and buy pretty shells. Then he’d throw them in the ripples of waves to be found.

How did she finally find out all these years later? Because he started doing it for her kids, his grandkids. Here is the video.

I grew up on a tropical beach. I still remember the joy of finding a beautiful, unbroken shell. I wish I did this for my kids… and one day I hope to do this for my grandkids.

No more teens

Tomorrow is my youngest daughter’s birthday. As of tomorrow my daughters will be 20 and 22, and I will no longer be the parent of a teenager. It has been incredible to watch these young girls transform into young women. They are still two wonderful kids in my eyes, but they are so mature, and grown up too.

I still remember holding them both in my arms for the first time, watching their first steps, and reading them bedtime stories. It doesn’t seem all that long ago… not all that long ago for me, but an entire lifetime for them.

I’ve been writing a letter to them in my head ever since my first daughter went off to university. Soon I’ll have to get it written down. For now it’s just an idea about first and last experiences. Perhaps I’ll share it here, but only with their permission… I’m writing it for them, they are my audience… my two grown up girls that will forever be my babies. The teen years may be over, but they are my kids and that will never grow old.