Tag Archives: habits

Resilience building

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I mentioned this in my post yesterday about Generation X, “for the most part this is a generation that is tough, tolerant, and resilient. Resilience is something I see a lot of younger generations struggling with.”

Here are a few ways I see a lack of resilience in students today:

• Feedback is viewed too critically. Comments on achievement or performance are taken personally, as if constructive feedback on an outcome is a personal attack on the person. “You could have done a better job with…” is interpreted as, “You are a failure”. There is little or no separation between feedback on a presentation or product and feedback on personal identity, all critical feedback feels like an attack.

In my role as a principal I recently gave some behavioural feedback to a student who later emailed me and said among other things, “I’m not a bad person.” At no time did I ever say or believe this person was bad, just making poor choices. It didn’t matter to the student that I separated the behavior out as the issue, it was still taken as a personal attack.

• Hurt feelings are not handled well. Words are treated like physical attacks. There is limited separation between minor and major harm. This can come across in many ways, but essentially the old ‘sticks and stones‘ nursery rhyme has been turned around and sounds more like, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will always harm me more.”

Now I’m not a proponent of the ideas that words don’t hurt. Social bullying can be far more brutal than a physical fight which ends in 20 seconds, and taunting and continuous verbal attacks can be devastating to deal with… But when a simple moment of teasing between friends is seen as just as hurtful as a verbal assault from a bully with a power differential between the bully and the victim, then there is a problem. When words instantly hurt and the scale of impact is always high, there is a definite issue of lack of resilience.

• Self loathing. Self talk like, “I’m not good enough.” Or, “It’s too hard.” Or simply, “I can’t!” …All get in the way of effort. There seems to be a (legitimate) struggle with the mental aspect of doing hard things. I added ‘(legitimate)’ because I’m not trying to say that the person is just quitting, rather there seems to be a mental roadblock that some students face which gets in the way of successful work.

This is very hard to deal with as a teacher. It comes across as the student being lazy, or distracted, or even defiant. But it’s not so much that the students doesn’t want to, they just really don’t know how to frame the work in a way that makes it a priority. I think this is a resilience issue too. When hard things are avoided rather than faced over and over again, the work of doing something hard becomes too difficult to face, and what gets defined as hard becomes less and less difficult over time.

I can’t put my finger on the causes for the lack of resilience I’m seeing today? It can be a trifecta of parenting, technology distraction, and media influences, or maybe just cultural norms? But we need to start thinking about resilience building as a teachable outcome.

Failure is not getting a bad result, failure is accepting a bad result without learning the hard lessons about what didn’t work. Failure is not seeking out the support to do better next time. Failure is a lack of reflection and feedback about how to improve. Failure is a lack of resilience, and resilience is something that isn’t strengthened without hearing hard things, and feeling hurt, or discouraged, or disappointed, and both working though and overcoming the difficulty.

Resilience is built, it is earned, it isn’t bestowed. It’s tough to toughen up. If it was easy it wouldn’t actually build resilience.

More than subsistence

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We need food to survive. We must feed ourselves. But how we do so varies considerably.

Some people eat purely for subsistence. They know they need to eat so they do. It’s a chore. Maybe they don’t care for food, maybe they are on a specific diet for weight loss,,, or weight gain like a bodybuilder, and they eat what they must to stick to their diet or a timeline.

Some people get immense pleasure from eating. Every meal is an opportunity to celebrate the joy and taste of food. Every bite is a dopamine fix, and an opportunity for enjoyment.

Some people eat for comfort. Food is a non-judgmental friend that is always there for them. They don’t just eat food, they have a loving relationship with it. Food is an entity in their lives, not just objects to be put in their mouths.

Some people don’t get enough food. Food to them is a goal, it’s not just a desire, it’s a need. I think this is where humans and animals all start their food relationships. Babies cry when they are hungry. Caveman spent the majority of their lives hunting and foraging and making weapons, all for the purpose of getting that next necessary and life sustaining meal.

Now, for much of the world food is not just about the next opportunity for subsistence, it’s the quest for something enjoyable. It’s not just a human thing, my cat will wait for me to open a can of wet food, while an endless supply of hard food is available to him. It’s not just about getting energy into our bodies, it’s the desire for an enjoyable meal. Food is a journey and not just a destination.

For that reason, I think food addictions are as challenging as any drug addiction can be. Just as food can be a friend, it can be a foe. In fact it is a horrible foe because it masquerades as a dear friend. It feeds you the illusion of comfort while all the while undermining your health and wellbeing.

Sugar can be as addictive as other more illicit white powders. It can change your gut biome, which in turn can influence your thought processes. It triggers your dopamine to spike and brings pleasure. Studies have demonstrated that mice would rather choose a sugary snack than a dose of morphine. We can have food relationships like these mice, seeking out the dopamine hit of food over drugs. Food over everything else.

Our relationship with food has so many influences, from how prone we are to addiction, to the availability of food when we were young, to the balance or imbalance of nutrients versus junk food we consume, to our pleasure we get or don’t get preparing food.

I think when we live in a world of abundant food, where food is much more than just for subsistence, we need to be conscious of our relationship to food. We need to be intentional about what we need to eat, and we need to be disciplined to reduce the foods that do not serve us well. With too much choice comes too many bad choices, and so we must cultivate a healthy diet, and a healthy relationship with food.

The positive thing about this is that we need not sacrifice taste, there are many foods that are both good for us and tasty. What we must sacrifice are choice and time: Limit choices of bad foods at our disposal, and find the time to make healthier meals that are not as convenient as takeout or premade and prepackaged… All the while being tempted and triggered by our desires to eat sweet, fast, and easy to access calories that don’t add any value to our wellbeing.

We can enjoy food that is also good for us, and we can define our relationship to food around healthy options, but it takes effort, will power, and time. Bon appétit.

It can be a struggle

Committing to writing every day is a challenge. I’ve added to that the pressure to publish what I write… Every. Single. Day.

It is a comfort to know that it doesn’t have to be great. That my audience is small, and that sometimes I can write something I think is great and no one else notices… And sometimes something I wrote just off the cuff resonates with people. I find that fascinating.

Still, there are times I am stuck, have writer’s block, and yet feel immense pressure to be thoughtful and creative. It’s a real struggle. I can develop self-doubt and question myself. I wonder what’s so unique about my perspective that I should have so much to say? I feel like an imposter, spewing ramblings that aren’t worth sharing. Sometimes I just can’t think of anything to write. Nothing comes to me except the dread that I’ve got nothing else of any value to say.

Then I remember something. I remember that if it was really easy, I would have gotten bored and given up by now. I remember that I love to write and before writing daily, I seldom wrote at all, despite my desire to do so. I recognize that though the struggle is real, it’s a struggle I desire to have.

And then some days the words just flow. Other days they start slow and the flood gates open and I can’t type fast enough. And so the days that it’s really hard, the days when I feel that I have nothing of value to say, those are the days that matter most.

The hard days are the ones that provide me with the consist opportunity to write. The struggle is real, and necessary, and even enjoyable. Well, enjoyable may not be the right term, but more enjoyable than tolerable. The hard days are hard, but rewarding… that’s the better term. The days I struggle create the space for the great days.

The hard days are a necessary part of a routine that opens up a river of ideas to let creativity, thoughtfulness, and self expression flow in. The hard days can feel like a dam, but a dam allows for consistency of pressure, allowing for the generation of energy, of ideas, of words flowing regularly. The daily commitment is not to produce great work, it’s to produce work consistently, without excuses. Not without struggle, but despite it… Because of it. Yes, it’s a struggle, but a struggle I need to experience if I’m going to continue to create; continue to craft; continue to write. Every. Single. Day.

This, on a day when I thought I had absolutely nothing more to say.

(Re)stacking habits

I used to wake up, write a blog post, meditate for 10 minutes, and work out, all before getting in the shower around 6:45-7am. I used the Atomic Habits strategy of stacking my habits one-after-the-other so that I reduced a lot of friction in my mornings. I’d start writing and the rest of the stacked habits just happened one after the other.

A couple things happened to change this. I have been spending more time writing, stopped meditating, and started spending more time stretching. However, it was the writing time that was the big change since both the meditation and stretching were both 10 minutes long. What I’ve noticed is that my workouts and stretching are getting shorter.

So, I need to unstack my current habits. I need to write most or all of my posts at night, then I can start my morning with meditation, cardio, stretch, then a strength routine dedicated to one or two muscles, which is my usual routine. Essentially I’m not really unstacking my habits, I’m re-stacking them in a way that they give me the outcomes I want without compromising any of them at the expense of others… I just changed the title of this post from ‘Unstacking habits’ to ‘(Re)stacking habits’… Because stacking works, but it needs to work for all the habits, not just some of them.

As a good friend said, I won’t know how well this works until I try it for at least a couple weeks, because a few days aren’t long enough for a pattern to be formed, for a habit to truly become a habit. Let’s see how this goes. If I remember, I’ll give a progress report some time later this month.

Staying consistent

There have been a lot of reasons why my fitness routine has been challenging this year. It seem that I haven’t had a full month where there has been anything routine about my daily routine. I was just back in Toronto for my dad’s memorial and in 8 days I slept in 5 different places. I also ended the trip with a cold and spent the weekend recovering. I’m still not 100%, but I’m not coughing and I’ll wear a mask and get back to work this morning.

That said, I slept in a bit and I’m writing this as I pedal on my stationary bike at about 80% of my normal speed. The way I feel, I don’t think I’d go any faster if I wasn’t tapping these words into my phone. Just 3 days ago I was using speech-to-text to do my writing on an elliptical… This is not a normal thing to try and simultaneously hit two of my daily goals at once, but I’m making it work at a time when doing otherwise would make things harder for me.

It would be easy to skip something. It would take no effort on a day like this to give myself a pass. But I already did that Saturday and Sunday when I felt like crap. I haven’t skipped 3 days of exercise in over 3 years, and I’m not going to start now. So I’m muscling through, sweating far more than usual, while my output is lower than usual. But here is the point I didn’t know this post would be about that I realize now: It’s the days you just show up and totally don’t want to that matter the most.

Consistency isn’t about your regular routine. Your regular routine is a habit, it’s hard to make but once you’ve made it the effort is actually quite low. Consistency is getting you butt in gear and active, doing what needs to be done, when you really don’t want to. When you really aren’t up to it or in the mood or think you have time for it. Or when your routine gets disrupted and you have to go out of your way to follow through. Like being on an elliptical at a hotel at 9:30pm when my alarm is set for 3am, or sweating buckets on my stationary bike at the tail end of a cold, and simultaneously writing these words. This is harder than my normal workout. This is the grunt work. This is what it takes to be consistent.

We aren’t demonstrating consistency when everything is going smoothly, we have to demonstrate it when there is a disruption and and we still follow through.

The hard work of being consistent comes from actively doing what needs to be done when there is nothing consistent happening around you.

I’m going to make that into a poster and put it on my home gym wall.

Last lazy day

Well today I did a whole lot of nothing. I came down to the basement do a workout 3 hours ago, and I have successfully completed a 10 minute row, less than 10 minutes of stretching, and an abdominal workout that lasted the length of a 2 minute and 40 second song. Hey, this might not be a typical workout… but I didn’t skip the day. Not every workout needs to be at 100%.

I listened to a part of a podcast, watched a few TikToks, and I’m writing this lying on my back next to a magnetic toy where I successfully made a couple DNA strands out of triangles. 

I’ve spoken about playing with geometry before, this ‘playing’ was the most productive part of my day.

Tomorrow is Day 1 of the new school year and the pace for the next month will be anything but lazy. So, I look at my 3 hours of ‘wasted’ time as time very well wasted. Today was the calm before the storm. Batteries are charging, and I’m taking full advantage of my last lazy day, not even caring that I’m mixing my metaphors. 🤪

Now off to pick up pizza, ain’t no way my wife and I are cooking tonight! 😀

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To all the educators out there, I wish you a fabulous year of teaching and learning ahead!

Hard to build routines back

I should have written this an hour ago. I was up, but I kept myself distracted. I should have worked out already, but I haven’t started. I’m probably going to do my meditation on my exercise bike to reclaim some time.

It doesn’t really matter today, because I can stroll into work at 8:30am and still spend a full day there. Only my secretaries will be in the building and my first meeting is at 11am. So it’s not like this wasted time hurt my schedule. But it hurts.

It hurts because it’s going to take a while before my routine is automated again. It hurts because it’s me pushing off things that are good for me. If this was next week, I’d have to skip my workout right now.

However the nice thing is that it’s not next week. It’s not like I have to scramble or miss anything. I’m just acknowledging that routines take time to develop and redevelop. It’s not easy leaving my routines for a full summer then jumping right back into them. But once I get my routine going again it feeds itself.

I feel the benefits of getting a whole list of things done for myself before I even start my workday. Writing, meditating, stretching, and working out, all done before I even shower to start my day. The only hard part is now, it’s when the pattern isn’t set and I actually have to make an effort to do it. By early next week it will just be what I do when I wake up: Routine initiated.

Today it was a slog.

Back to the routine

After 6 weeks holidays, I’m back to work today. While work creeped into these holidays a fair bit, it was the most ‘off’ I’ve been in years… and quite frankly I needed it. I spent over a month of this break away from home, and it’s nice to be back in my own bed.

I feel refreshed and ready for the new school year. The long hours don’t start until September, and so I can get acclimatized over the next couple weeks. This starts today with my writing, meditation, exercise, and stretching first thing in the morning.

I’m someone who both dislikes and requires good routines. I dislike them because they make the days seem a bit robotic, like I’m just going through the motions. I require (and even like) them because I can get a lot done and feel accomplished.

This holiday started really strong with maintaining my routines but my Toronto trip home was quite disruptive. I was stuck on Vancouver time, staying up until well after midnight in Toronto, but still waking up early. I moved a lot of boxes, but didn’t do any cardio, and I don’t think I meditated more than once in 11 days. I accomplished a lot helping my mom, but really broke my routine and ate too much.

But then again, I was on holidays, and had a wonderful time. I got to spend a lot of time with my wife, and a bit of time with my kids too. I think as school starts, I need to build time in with them as part of my routine as well. It’s easy to put in long hours and not make time for family… not on purpose, just by nature of the job.

Routines can help to regulate things that can normally be neglected. My morning routine lets me feel like I’ve accomplished something for myself before I start my job in the service of others. I think the next step is to routinize some quality time with family, or before I know it the school year is over and work was the only priority after my morning routine.

All you can eat

We are at a resort and food is included as part of our package. Last night’s dinner was in a market-style restaurant with individual food court like restaurants. I started with a Thia chicken crepe, then had a couple small rolls of sushi, then a small spinach & shrimp salad. That was enough for me. I’ve never been big on dessert, and if I was the meal would have been too much.

It would be so easy to overeat in a place like this. It can be enjoyably gluttonous. The idea is to think in moderation when surrounded by abundance. Not an easy task. Convince yourself to enjoy and stop when full, rather than feel restricted. It’s not fun being in the land of plenty and forcing restraint… so the trick is to make delicious choices, just less of them.

A buffet breakfast can be a delicious omelette, bacon, and some fresh fruit. What about sausages? Pancakes? Dessert? Those are the wrong questions. How was the omelette? Delicious! Sometimes less is more. More healthy, more friendly to your heart and your waste line. Moderation is easier with the right mindset… I’m not restricting myself, I’m eating wonderful meals that aren’t so big that I’m going to feel awful later, either physically or emotionally.

It’s not about all I can eat, it’s about making delicious choices. They don’t all have to be healthy choices, as long as I’m not stuffing my face and my belly… and I’m not intentionally undermining myself with bad choices. Moderation doesn’t need to be a dirty word, it’s a smart word, a word that allows choices and freedom, free from gluttony.

Now, it’s time for breakfast!

The shiny object

“Highly focused people do not leave their options open. They select their priorities and are comfortable ignoring the rest. If you commit to nothing, you’ll be distracted by everything.” ~ James Clear

I call it squirrel brain with a hat tip to the dog in the animated movie ‘Up!’. He has a collar that allows him to talk, but that doesn’t matter once he sees a squirrel… the distraction is too great.

It’s that scattered sense of paying attention to the closest shiny object, the new distraction, the most recent email, the interruption, the grumble of your tummy. Sometimes it’s a needed break, but most times it’s a distraction. It’s inefficient and ultimately ineffective.

“If you commit to nothing, you’ll be distracted by everything.”

Sometime you need to put blinders on, and intentionally block or reduce the distractions. You need to resist the urge to get the newest distraction done before moving on. The shinier new thing that popped up can wait. The notification can stay unread, and the ‘to do’ list should be just that one thing that needs to be focused on, and nothing else until this one priority is completed.

Focus is not easy to maintain, but productivity soars when focus is given and distractions are left behind. Although sometimes the trick is realizing what really is the distraction. When I used to spend 15 minutes looking for an image to go with my blog post, that was 15 minutes that I wasn’t writing or meditating, or working out. Was the image essential enough to take that much time? Probably not. But at least I did it after writing… unlike today when I broke my writing stride to find the image above of the dog from Up!

I’m definitely a work in progress with my attention and distractions. The trick is to recognize priorities and reduce distractions that detract from those priorities. And like with most advice, this is much easier said than done.