I heard this brilliant quote yesterday:
“You can’t change the people around you, but you can change the people around you.”
It reminds me of:
“You are the average of the 5 people you hang around the most.”
Finding the right people to be around is a secret to life seldom discussed. We are blessed when those people are our family, and we don’t have to seek them out elsewhere. Being surrounded by people who make you a better person is a sure way to be a better person.
Choose your friends wisely.
Tomorrow will be the first time in years that I will be seeing my parents and all 3 sisters together.
It has been very long since we grew up under one roof, and opportunities like this don’t happen often. I wish my wife and kids were here with me. I can remember being a kid and rolling my eyes because we had to go to yet another family gathering, now I wish we had these opportunities more often.
We’ve bantered before about everyone going on a big family vacation, but it’s never easy trying to coordinate everyone, and I am not sure if it will happen. So for now, I’ll just have to appreciate that we will have a rare opportunity to be together tomorrow, and make the most of the time we have.
Yesterday my wife and I went to a family member’s house for lunch. The family has immunocompromised members and have taken the lockdowns and social distancing very seriously. We were the first guests in their house in almost a year and a half. At one point, one of them said, “I’m having a moment, this is the most normal thing I’ve done in a long time!”
Although we are double vaccinated, we still wear masks in public places, and practice social distancing, and when we had friends over a couple weekends ago, we still held the gathering in our back yard. We are being thoughtful about how we move forward. But yesterday that quote kind of struck me. Yes, it was also our first time invited into someone’s house for lunch in quite some time, as well as their first time receiving guests… It was a first step towards normal.
Sharing meals is a special thing that brings us together, and being freer to do so now is wonderful. While caution is still needed, and being double vaccinated does not give us 100% immunity, we are on a path to ‘normal’. I fear that large pockets of unvaccinated people will prolong the need for caution, and we are not moving fully towards pre-covid normal any time soon, but this moment of being first guests was pretty special.
I’m not sure what the new normal will be, but at least we are moving in the right direction, and I think we will have a few more ‘firsts’ in the coming months.
Revisiting my uncle, I was reminded of this story, and my post, forgotten dream:
From my earliest memories I can remember our house containing numerous bookshelves with books double stacked, one in front of the other, with whole sections having books stacked horizontally, so that 6 or 8 horizontal books could take the place of 4 or 5 vertical books.
And I read almost none of them.
The dream was a dream of lost opportunity. Of being blind to the ocean of information that sat before me metaphorically unseen, and literally unread.
Adding to this we need to spend quality time with people we care about… and not take them for granted. It’s easy to think the people closest to us will always be there and forget to treat them the way they deserve to be treated.
Inversely it’s a good thing when we remove people from our lives if they are not worthy of our time. I love this quote by Isaiah Frizzelle about creating boundaries for people that don’t deserve access to your life, “Time does not allow reentry and an apology does not always allow access.”
To the fish, water is invisible. It’s fine for us to ignore the oxygen around us, but we need to pay attention to, and show love and respect to, the people we care about.
Yesterday I sent an email to our students and parents with our updated calendar for next year, and all the year-end and September details they need. Then I sent the email below just to parents:
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Greetings Inquiry Hub Parents,
I just sent a message to you and your child, but I wanted to take a moment and send one just to parents. I have been thoroughly impressed with the resilience of our students during the pandemic. They have put on a brave face and held together at a time when it seems the entire world has gone a little mad. When I see news these days, I often wish the adults would act with the maturity of some of the students at our school! That said, this will be a summer when students might be trying to let loose a little and want to push the envelope as restrictions are lifted. Quite frankly, they deserve the opportunity to have a little freedom this summer… but what that looks like will be different for different students and their families.
One of the biggest challenges that I have found being a parent is that through the teen years there is no perfect balance of our kids wanting more freedom and us wanting less control. Our kids always think they are old enough to do the things they want to do, and we are always worried about letting them make more and more grown up choices on their own… Be it spending their money on things we don’t think are smart, staying out later than we think they should, and everything from alcohol use, to friendships, to boyfriends and girlfriends, to technology use. It’s not easy to figure out, and what’s more baffling is that what works for one kid, doesn’t work for another, even in the same household. Kids don’t come with instructions, and if they did, I am certain they would be translated from another language and hard to follow anyways. 😉
Below I’ve shared two resources that will take a total of 3 minutes of your time. Each will take a minute and a half, the first being a Facebook video and the second being a short read. I hope you enjoy them both, and maybe they might help you the next time you are faced with a challenging moment with one of your children.
It has been a year of loss and challenges for many, and at this time, I hope you all enjoy the time you have with your kids. Mine are 19 and 21 now, and while our relationships are wonderful, I do look back and wonder where the time went? I wonder what more I could have done with them while they were still part of a family under one roof. This is my way of saying, have a safe and wonderful summer with your kids, and as old as they think they are… they are still your kids, make the most of it!
Regards,
Dave
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By Josh Shipp
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Dear Mom and Dad,
Please stick with me.
I can’t think clearly right now because there is a rather substantial section of my prefrontal cortex missing. It’s a fairly important chunk, something having to do with rational thought. You see, it won’t be fully developed until I’m about 25. And from where I sit, 25 seems a long way off.
It doesn’t matter that I’m smart; even a perfect score on my math SAT doesn’t insulate me from the normal developmental stages that we all go through. Judgement and intelligence are two completely distinct things.
And, the same thing that makes my brain wonderfully flexible, creative and sponge-like also makes me impulsive. Not necessarily reckless or negligent but more impulsive than I will be later in life.
Please stick with me.
So when you look at me like I have ten heads after I’ve done something “stupid” or failed to do something “smart,” you’re not really helping.
You adults respond to situations with your prefrontal cortex (rationally) but I am more inclined to respond with my amygdala (emotionally). And when you ask, “What were you thinking?” the answer is I wasn’t, at least not in the way you are. You can blame me, or you can blame mother nature, but either way, it is what it is.
At this point in my life, I get that you love me, but my friends are my everything. Please understand that. Right now I choose my friends, but, don’t be fooled, I am watching you. Carefully.
Please stick with me.
1. Model adulting
I see all the behaviors that you are modeling and I hear all of the words you say. I may not listen but I do hear you. I seem impervious to your advice, like I’m wearing a Kevlar vest but your actions and words are penetrating. I promise. If you keep showing me the way, I will follow even if I detour many, many times before we reach our destination.
2. Let me figure things out for myself.
If you allow me to experience the consequences of my own actions I will learn from them. Please give me a little bit of leash and let me know that I can figure things out for myself. The more I do, the more confidence and resilience I will develop.
3. Tell me about you.
I want you to tell me all the stories of the crazy things you did as a teen, and what you learned from them. Then give me the space to do the same.
4. Help me with perspective.
Keep reminding me of the big picture. I will roll my eyes at you and make all kinds of grunt-like sounds. I will let you know in no uncertain terms that you can’t possibly understand any of what I’m going through. But I’m listening. I really am. It’s hard for me to see anything beyond the weeds that I am currently mired in. Help me scan out and focus on the long view. Remind me that this moment will pass.
5. Keep me safe.
Please remind me that drugs and driving don’t mix. Keep telling me that you will bail me out of any dangerous situation, no anger, no lectures, no questions asked. But also let me know over and over and over that you are there to listen, when I need you.
6. Be kind.
I will learn kindness from you and if you are relentless in your kindness to me, someday I will imitate that behavior. Don’t ever mock me, please and don’t be cruel. Humor me-I think I know everything. You probably did as well at my age. Let it go.
7. Show interest in the things I enjoy.
Some days I will choose to share my interests with you, and it will make me feel good if you validate those interests, by at least acting interested.
One day when the haze of adolescence lifts, you will find a confident, strong, competent, kind adult where a surly teenager once stood. In the meantime, buckle in for the ride.
Please stick with me.
Love,
Your Teenager
I still haven’t spoken to my father yet, but I’ve got my kids here and dinner is being picked up as I write this. Sushi. All my favourites.
I spent the morning shooting a round of arrows followed by a quick workout. While I didn’t shoot my best, it was my first round where I scored all gold.
A success even if it wasn’t a personal best. I had a few line breakers that squeaked in, but as my buddy always reminds me, a 9 is a 9 and a 10 is a 10… take them when you get them.
My afternoon was busy. I installed my water fed solar panels on my garage roof. This took longer than expected and everyone was pitching in, but the hard part is done!
And food has arrived. To all the dads out there, happy Father’s Day! It’s time to have dinner with my family.
I booked a flight home to visit my parents this summer. By that point I will have had my second vaccine shot for a few weeks. I look forward to being able to hug my parents and sisters. It has been a long time since I’ve given anyone except my immediate family a hug. Sometimes the little things in life mean a lot.
I wish I could also take a few side trips and visit friends I haven’t seen in a while, but it feels a little soon for that. It will be a time to focus on family. That’s good too.
Living thousands of kilometres away from my parents and siblings is tough sometimes. It is easy to feel disconnected. Oddly enough the pandemic has brought me closer to my sisters. We now have a group chat on WhatsApp where we connect far more often than we used to. This is wonderful, but not the same as seeing each other face-to-face, and so the opportunity to go home is wonderful.
I remember a moment in my second year of Universtiy. I was home for the weekend, and shortly before it was time to leave I was sitting with my mom at the kitchen table. I absentmindedly said, “I better start getting ready to go home.” (Referencing my university as home.) My mom responded, “This is your home.” And at that point I realized my comment was impolite.
Now I have my own home, with a wonderful wife and two awesome kids. We’ve made a great home of our own… but when I’m heading back to see my folks, we’ll, I still like calling that ‘Going home’.
It’s the Saturday of a long weekend. I’m sitting in our gazebo with a coffee, and my family is starting to join me, so this will be brief.
A recent Facebook memory from 6 years ago was a photo of the hot tub pad that I built with a friend, at a time when I was dealing with chronic fatigue and moving cinder blocks was an exhausting ordeal.
That means our wonderful deck has been built for 6 years. This year we added an above ground pool and it is filled and ready for the first dip (for my family, I will wait for it to be warmer after we set up the solar heater). With covid restrictions, I think we will spend a bit more time in our backyard this year, and I have to say that we’ve made it into a place I love spend time in.
And now it’s time to make a latte for my daughter, and put my phone away. 
Since the pandemic hit, I’ve been on a group chat on WhatsApp with my sisters, and have communicated with them more than I have in years. It has been wonderful. But beyond that my circle of communication has been really small.
Yesterday I was playfully called out by a presenter that I know, before his presentation started, for not connecting. He was right. I knew he was presenting, and knew he probably wouldn’t realize that I was going to be in the audience, and yet didn’t reach out before the presentation started. Truth be told, I hadn’t even signed up until 2 days before even though I’ve known I’d attend for months. But that’s not my point. The point is, while I’ve been really good at connecting with a very small group of people, I’ve been a bit closed off beyond that circle. I haven’t really reached out to very many people.
I’d like to blame the pandemic, but that’s not being honest. The truth is that I can live a little too much in my head, and not outside it. I might think of someone, but I don’t reach out and call them. If I’m honest, I don’t often make the effort I should.
I’ve got one really good local friend that’s the same and when we connect, it’s like a minute has gone by since we last spoke or saw each other. But then we go a month or two not thinking to call or text. My friends that I do connect with often usually make the first contact, or more of an effort to connect. This isn’t a really flattering thing to admit, but it’s true.
I know it’s a two-way street when it comes to regular communication with friends, but when I’m not someone that puts forth enough effort, I can only expect the same from others. It’s easy to point your finger outwards, a lot harder, but more sincere, to point inwards. I need to realize that I’ve got to make the effort, it’s on me… if I value the friendship.
That said, reach out if you read this feel it has been too long since we connected. 😃
I did DNA testing with 23andMe and the results are in. I didn’t expect or get any surprises in my heritage: I’m 55% Ashkenazi Jew, 20% Chinese, and the remainder is split between British and Southern European. My grandparents are a Polish Jew, a Ukrainian Jew, Chinese, and a mix of English with Spanish and Portuguese (my grandmother who thought her father secretly had some Jewish in him, which could explain the above 50% Jewish results). So, my wife’s description of me as a Chinese Jew from Barbados remains a fitting description.
It’s interesting that the category ‘Ashkenazi Jew’ doesn’t break down further, but even though my two grandfathers lived in neighbouring countries, they seem to have come from the same roots. And having been persecuted and ‘othered’ since the Middle Ages, as well as the desire to marry within their own faith, I’m not surprised that there wasn’t a lot of mixed blood in that part of my heritage.
I’m looking forward to exploring this a little further. I’m also interested in digging into other health aspects of the results.
