Tag Archives: conversation

People are Blackberries

This is a silly metaphor, but it works for me.

Blackberries are a unique fruit. I can eat a handful of raspberries, strawberries, or blueberries, and it doesn’t matter how many I put in my mouth, I enjoy them all the same. That’s not the case for blackberries. Blackberries taste better when you have one at a time. Two blackberries in your mouth are not as enjoyable as just one.

I think this is the case because individual blackberries have distinct taste profiles and these unique qualities get cancelled out when you taste too many of them at once. The collection of taste profiles isn’t as good as tasting them individually.

I like people the same way. One at a time. I enjoy conversations with a single person far more than with a group. I want to hear their profile, I want to focus on the individual. At parties I seldom seek out a group of people. I’d rather have a one-on-one chat.

To me, people are blackberries, not any other berry… and I enjoy them most, one at a time.

Connecting with friends

Since the pandemic hit, I’ve been on a group chat on WhatsApp with my sisters, and have communicated with them more than I have in years. It has been wonderful. But beyond that my circle of communication has been really small.

Yesterday I was playfully called out by a presenter that I know, before his presentation started, for not connecting. He was right. I knew he was presenting, and knew he probably wouldn’t realize that I was going to be in the audience, and yet didn’t reach out before the presentation started. Truth be told, I hadn’t even signed up until 2 days before even though I’ve known I’d attend for months. But that’s not my point. The point is, while I’ve been really good at connecting with a very small group of people, I’ve been a bit closed off beyond that circle. I haven’t really reached out to very many people.

I’d like to blame the pandemic, but that’s not being honest. The truth is that I can live a little too much in my head, and not outside it. I might think of someone, but I don’t reach out and call them. If I’m honest, I don’t often make the effort I should.

I’ve got one really good local friend that’s the same and when we connect, it’s like a minute has gone by since we last spoke or saw each other. But then we go a month or two not thinking to call or text. My friends that I do connect with often usually make the first contact, or more of an effort to connect. This isn’t a really flattering thing to admit, but it’s true.

I know it’s a two-way street when it comes to regular communication with friends, but when I’m not someone that puts forth enough effort, I can only expect the same from others. It’s easy to point your finger outwards, a lot harder, but more sincere, to point inwards. I need to realize that I’ve got to make the effort, it’s on me… if I value the friendship.

That said, reach out if you read this feel it has been too long since we connected. 😃

Face-to-face Conferences

While I’m looking forward to our Professional Development Day this coming Friday, I wouldn’t be being honest if I said that I wasn’t missing conferences. I’ll be attending from my laptop, alone in my office. I won’t be going to a large auditorium for a keynote, sitting next to friends, making lunch plans, geeking out in conversations with people I don’t usually get to see, making podcasts between sessions… there is a lot of appeal to engaging with connections beyond the sessions you go to at a conference.

For me, it usually includes meeting ‘digital friends’, people that I know from online/Twitter, whom I’ve never met before face-to-face or whom I have met, but less times than I can count on one hand. These connections invariably make the conference great for me. And not only do I get to meet these wonderful people, they tend to be people that like geeking out with me about what we’ve learned. If I go to a mediocre session, no problem, I can chat with someone who went to a better one. Go to a great session, and now I’ve got someone to share it with out loud, to help me solidify what I’ve learned.

But beyond the learning, there is the human connection. There is the opportunity to be with people I don’t get to see often but I enjoy their company. It’s about being with my tribe. I’ll enjoy the sessions on Friday, but I really look forward to a time in the future when I can once again go to a conference, pick up my swag, and connect with people that make the whole conference experience great!

Sharing my posts

I had a meeting yesterday morning where we did small breakout sessions, and we discussed a topic that I’ve talked about a few times here on my Daily-Ink. I wanted to share something I wrote, but decided not to. Then we met a second time but it ended up being me and just one other colleague in the room. We continued the conversation and afterwards, I shared a link to one of the pieces I wrote via email. I got a really positive response, and I’m glad I did share it, but I’m always hesitant to do this.

It’s kind of weird, I write every day, and my post is automatically shared to Twitter, LinkedIn, and my Facebook page, so I obviously don’t mind sharing my work publicly. Yet I always feel like sharing my own writing at work is like shameless self-promotion rather than sharing my thoughts. It feels like I’m trying to show off, or that I’m bragging. Sometimes I’ll use my writing as a reference to what I say, but don’t mention the blog post or share the link.

I think that part of the challenge is that on social media people can choose to read or ignore my posts, and there is no price to pay if someone chooses to ignore the post, However, if I share it directly with someone, well then I’m kind of expecting it to be read. I’m forcing it on someone. This is me just thinking ‘out loud’ about this. I don’t think I’ll change my habits. I think I’ll continue to be overly cautious about sharing my writing in conversations with colleagues.

It’s not that I’m shy, it’s that I’m trying to be respectful. I don’t want to push my writing on people. But sometimes I articulate things better in my writing than I do trying to formulate my thoughts on the spot. I’m a slow processor, a slow thinker, and work through things better through writing than speaking.

That said, I can be quite vocal and no one has ever accused me of not participating in a discussion. Maybe that’s part of issue? I am vocal enough, and spreading or sharing my writing is just ‘over the top’. I’ve spent a few years developing my listening skills, and redirecting my thoughts to what’s being said, rather than what I want to say next. This is a skill that needs to be practiced, especially since I tend to be a lateral thinker that sees connections to things rather than seeing a single track of a conversation. So my brain wants to bounce to related things, off topic things, and maybe something I’ve previously written. But is that thing I wrote truly relevant to the conversation, or is it just relevant to me?

I don’t think I’ll share my posts at work any more than I already do after writing this. I think it’s probably a good thing that I hold back, and I’ll continue to do so.

Reflections from a 2-week social media vacation

No big aha moments. I had a few moments where I read something and my instinct was to share it on Twitter. I missed a chance to do a podcast with some friends I haven’t connected with in a while. And a former students and a few current students took some time to welcome me back with some ‘doctored’ images of me. (I’ve been uwuify’d.)

https://twitter.com/laefk/status/1358230779302580224

I think if I did this social media vacation 5 or 6 years ago, I would have missed it a lot more, but I don’t engage on social media nearly as much as I used to. Also, my school days tend to be long and I’m very rarely on social media at school, unless it’s for the school, or maybe while eating lunch. So, this self-imposed break really just stopped me from vegging out on TikTok when I’m tired, (I find it far more entertaining than TV and have a time limit on it so that it’s like watching a half-hour show).

I’m not sure if I’ll take a break like this again any time soon, but I also think that I might come back slowly. I’d also like to experiment and play a bit more with ClubHouse. I’m a huge fan of audio and I can see some real value in this new platform. If you haven’t heard of it yet… you will.

Welcome to Clubhouse

Well, I kind of broke my social media vacation a day early. I was invited into Clubhouse by Mike Slinger. For those of you that don’t know what Clubhouse is, it is a voice/conversation based social media platform where people create rooms where anyone can join and chat or listen. Moderators can run the room like a live podcast or as a room where they invite anyone in to join the conversation.

Very early this morning I joined a room, Connect EDU. The host, Giancarlo Brotto, quickly invited newcomers into the conversation to share their background.

I really see potential here. The sharing of voice is powerful. I can imagine people having some really great conversations ‘out loud and in the open’ but live with an audience who can raise their hand and contribute. I also see the potential for some strong community-building.

I had an idea for a text-based environment similar to this a few years ago. I imagined a private chat that is publicly viewable, and a side chat for the audience. Imagine two to five people having an in-depth Facebook-style text conversation but if you were reading from the outside, you couldn’t comment directly… the conversation is theirs, but that there was also a side panel for the audience. Then the people having the conversation could invite the audience in, if they see and like something in the audience chat.

Clubhouse does this with voice rather than text, and I think this new social media platform is going to explode! I’m reminded of radio call-in shows, and I can foresee some incredible communities being built. I’m not sure how much I’ll use it yet, but I’m pretty sure Clubhouse is going to be a platform you hear more and more about in the coming months.

Work-Life Balance

I chatted with a friend recently and he said, “Imagine having a job that you just arrived at on time, left on time at the end of the day, and you didn’t have to think about work while you weren’t at work.”

I have to say that while I might romanticize that work/life balance, I also don’t know too many of those jobs that would appeal to me. Even if I had some kind of existential crisis and quit my job, I don’t think I’d find a new job like that anyway. So my focus for work/life balance is about finding the time to do things that fill my bucket… things that make me appreciate my home and work life; My family and friends; My health and mental well-being.

This isn’t an easy journey to do well. Living through a pandemic doesn’t make it any easier. So, find reasons to be joyful, do activities that are enjoyable, spend time (physically and digitally) with those you love.

I don’t think solitude helps, unless you are somehow enlightened. I don’t think sloth, laziness, or a bag of potato chips helps. Connections do help. Making time for others you care about is something that helps to balance you. Who can you connect with right now?

What are you waiting for?

Resilience Revisited

Right now it seems like I chose the right #OneWord for 2020: Resilience. But as you read my last post of 2019, written before we learned about the impending pandemic, remember something… We are social beings and we are not incredibly resilient on our own. We need a community, we need friendship and love, we need each other.

Relationships, be they with family, friends, co-workers, student/teacher, and even pets, build our resilience, and our ability to not just cope, but to thrive.

Let’s support one another and show our resilience together!

Here is the post:

December 31, 2019

If I were to pick 2 words for 2020, I might pick “Growth Mindset”, but if I’m only choosing a single word, it would be:

Resilience

The world needs this word right now. Here are some specific places I see a need to pay attention to this #OneWord in 2020.

In Schools:

Student anxiety seems to be on the rise, and anxiety lowers resilience and the willingness to try new things. Words seem to ‘injure’ students in ways that victimize them rather than make them stronger. This is not to say that students should tolerate bullying or inappropriate language or slander, rather they should speak up, defend themselves, and report poor behaviour. Instead it seems that they feel wounded and do not act. This is a sensitive topic, but one where I’ve seen a greater awareness of adults who want to support students and at the same time I see students allowing words to hurt them deeply, giving too much power to the transgressor.

In Politics:

I said this in Ideas on a Spectrum, “In a civil society, dialogue is the one problem-solving strategy that should be sacred. To do this, free speech is essential. But right now there is a culture of ‘attack the opposition’ that is very scary.“ – We need to be resilient when hearing opposing views, and understand that, “…we must be tolerant and accepting of opposing views, unaccepting of hateful and hurtful acts, and smart enough to understand the difference.” When we can’t have conversations with people that have different political views, we don’t grow as a culture or as a society.

In Online Spaces:

People will make mistakes online. They will say things that are unintentionally hurtful, or blindly offensive. This is different than someone being intentionally biased and rude. If the slander is intentional, it should be reported. If it is unintentional, even to the point of ignorance, we need to be more resilient about what our responses are. When every transgression is treated with an attack, the most severe/bigoted/rude/biased transgressions are not given the heightened alarm that they deserve. With lesser errors and mistakes, we need to let people have a venue to recognize their errors and invite conversation rather than damnation.

Growing up, I heard the playground retort to taunts, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never harm me.” We are past the era of letting nasty people say whatever nasty things they want, and just turning the other cheek to pretend we are not hurt. This is a good thing. We want to live in a world where that behaviour is not acceptable. But it does not serve us well to treat the attacker like they can not repent or be sorry. It does not serve us to let the words said hurt us too deeply. By being resilient we can speak up, clarify our perspective, and engage in conversations that help us feel empowered rather than victimized.

Resilience allows us to be strong, flexible, and engaged in a society that is the kind of society we want to live and thrive in.

Digital bubble

Just a quick reminder that while our social circles are very small right now, we can still connect with others online. Make that phone call a video call. Make that video call a 3-way or 4-way conversation.

We need to be thoughtful about how many people we meet face to face with, but that doesn’t limit us from connecting with family and friends online.

Who haven’t you seen in a while that you miss? Well, you can still see them on a screen. You don’t have to tidy the house or add an extra cleaning to the bathroom, just pick up your laptop or phone and make a call. (Ok, maybe comb your hair first 😜.)

We live in an incredibly connected world and we can make distance and time zones disappear with the click of a few buttons. So, who are you missing right now? It’s time to open up your digital bubble!

Listen to what they have to say

Last week I wrote, ‘Know your audience‘ and asked, “Are you trying to share your view only with people that already agree with you? Or are you trying to share your view with others who think differently?“

Yesterday I wrote ‘When you live in a democracy… VOTE‘ and quoted Thomas Jefferson, “We do not have government by the majority. We have government by the majority who participate.”

Would my message actually reach anyone who chooses not to participate and change their mind? It’s possible, but unlikely.

I’m in education, it’s not that I don’t believe that we can change minds, open them to new ideas, and help people learn… it’s just that I’m guessing my audience already votes. And if they don’t, my post won’t change their pattern of behaviour. This reminds me of a quote that I often share,

“As a general rule, adults are much more likely to act their way into a new way of thinking than to think their way into a new way of acting.” ~Mark Millemann

Adults don’t tend to act differently as a result of hearing new and different ideas. They are not convinced easily, or as easily as kids. So how do we speak to them? In his comment on my ‘Know your audience‘ post, Dave Sands said,

“Perhaps share a your message in a “way” that they will hear it as well. Too often we display an emotional response to those who hold a different view and our egos emerge blocking any chance of reciprocal understanding. Staying logical and intentional with a genuine will to listen goes a long way in seeking to understand as opposed to seeking to convince.“

‘A genuine will to listen.’

Why don’t people really vote? I gave the reasons I thought, but are they the reasons people actually have?

It’s interesting that I originally titled this, ‘How do you speak to them?’ and not, ‘Listen to what they have to say’. But is listening enough? Can listening help me better understand something like a person’s choice not to vote in such a way that can then alter my argument enough to change their minds?

I can’t say that I’ve really tried. So, if you choose not to vote, tell me why? You don’t have to do this ‘out loud’, here is a contact form to share your thoughts privately, if a comment below is too public.

How can I help you act your way into a new way of thinking? Or why won’t I be able to do this?

I’m listening:)