Tag Archives: connections

The great disconnect

I call it the best book I never read. It’s called Bowling Alone and the premise is that we used to have communities that tied us together, church groups, book clubs, and bowling leagues, but now we don’t participate in these communities so everyone bowls alone. This is a fascinating idea, it seems very relevant, but the book itself reads like a boring textbook and I put it down once I got the premise.

I think this is why dating apps have done so well. If you are young and single, and don’t meet someone you are interested in at work or school, you are essentially bowling alone.

But I think the disconnect goes beyond dating and meeting a partner. I think there are too few opportunities beyond the work week to feel connected to friends. Connecting isn’t usual, it’s reserved for special events. Remember in the pre-cellphone era when people would quite literally ‘drop by’ because they were in the neighbourhood? When is the last time that happened?

Now, meeting for coffee is something planned a week in advance. A dinner? Let me check my calendar… How’s the 15th sound, does that work for you? No? Ok, the 22nd then?

It’s interesting that while technology has in many ways brought us together, we’ve slowly moved apart. I live far away from my family, and many of my friends. I don’t pick up my phone and call them nearly enough. I plan opportunities to connect far in advance. I don’t bowl, and yet I bowl alone.

Breaking bread

Last night I had dinner with online principals from other districts in the province. We are on the online principals association executive, and this was the first time we met face to face in over 2 years. Yes, we are all comfortable with technology and communicating online. Yes, we’ve connected online several times over the last couple years. But there is something really special about connecting face-to-face and breaking bread.

Maybe in a decade or so we’ll be able to meet virtually online and have a full out of body experience, with avatars sitting next to each other and each of us wearing googles that allow ourselves to see the visited environment from a first person perspective. We might even be able to simulate the experience of shaking hands. At some point in the future we might be able to have an experience that feels just like we are together when we are not.

These virtual world experiences are something I look forward to. I’d love to sit in a room with my parents more than once a year. But I won’t be able to taste my mom’s cooking. I won’t be able to break bread. So while the promise of technology advancing so much that we can better simulate being together in a virtual room when we can’t be together is very promising, it won’t replace actually getting together in every way.

I still want to connect with people face-to-face when I can. Not just to eat with them and to taste good food, but to have that human connection that has been mostly absent for the past couple years. I’m excited about technology being able to get us together in new ways, to improve the opportunities of connecting in more meaningful ways, but not to replace actually getting together when we can.

Seeing the good in people

We need to have boundaries and if someone is harming you, you need not try to find the good in that person, when they are not being good to you. When you are being ill-treated, find a healthy way to disconnect from the person who is harming or insulting or mistreating you, and there is no need or responsibility to see the good in a person that treats you that way. Unhealthy relationships like this are best to be severed without an attempt to see the good… that’s how domestic violence is perpetuated, “He’s not always like this,” or “He’s good to the kids.” No, he’s broken and your face isn’t going to fix his fist. Get out!

This isn’t about toxic relationships where people use and abuse power over you. But, most people do not come across other people that victimize them on a regular basis.

On the other hand, we need not dismiss someone or think less of them simply because we do not agree with them. When you simply disagree with someone, that’s when it’s important not to make it an ad hominem attack – an attack of the person, rather than their ideas. On a day-to-day basis we will often come across people that we have different views from us, and while they may not see the world from the same perspective as us, that doesn’t mean they aren’t good people. That doesn’t mean they deserve to be treated poorly.

Most teachers understand this. They can be disappointed in a student’s behaviour without making the child feel worthless for making a mistake. They see potential in a kid even when the kid acts out in inappropriate ways. They give students the benefit of the doubt. Good parents do this too.

Yet somehow this gets lost when dealing with adults. Adult to adult disagreements and arguments often come with beliefs that people are one-dimensional. But what’s the harm in seeing the good in others, even when we disagree with them. What would happen if we understood their intentions more than their words? What if we decided that our disagreements were with a good person? How would that change the argument or the circumstances?

A lot of good can come from looking for the good in people.

A hot dog and a story

“The shortest distance between two people is a story.” ~ Patti Digh

It was 1993. I had recently moved to Vancouver and I was looking for a job. I replied to this ad in the paper about selling sporting goods. The interview was a joke and I walked out on it. A group sales pitch to sell knives to your family and friends. I might share that experience another time but this is a story about meeting a Vietnam war veteran before the interview.

I arrived downtown almost an hour early for the interview, and 1/2 a block from the entrance of the building that I was heading to was a hotdog vender. I love ‘street dogs’ and decided to get one with all the toppings, hot peppers, sauerkraut, fried onions, and Dijon mustard. There was a water fountain or statue nearby and I sat down on the edge about 6 feet away from an elderly gentleman who was also eating a hotdog.

Now, almost 30 years ago, I don’t remember how the conversation started, but I ended up halving the distance between us so that we could chat more easily. This man was mostly bald with white-grey wisps of short hair near his ears, very pink in complexion, and overweight with a belly that looked more square than round. He had a cane, that sat next to his legs, which were showing between his white, pulled up socks and his tan coloured shorts. His shirt was just a extra large, plain white T-shirt with without a logo.

After some small talk he told me he was a war vet, and he shared that he saw things no one should ever have to see. Then he shared one of these stories.

He was in a sandbag bunker on the outside of a government building they were guarding and a young boy with a backpack was slowly approaching them. The boy couldn’t have been older than 12. His Sargent pointed to the boy and said, ‘Shoot him’.

He looked at his Sargent, puzzled, and the Sargent repeated his command louder, “Shoot him!”

He was still fairly new to this post and Sargent and was hesitant to shoot a kid. His delay angered the Sargent, who took out his side arm and pointed it at his head, “Follow my orders and shoot him or I’ll shoot you!”

And so he shot the kid… And the kid, still about 50-60 feet away, blew up. “I couldn’t believe what I saw, it didn’t seem real.”

Apparently, kids were being used as suicide bombers in the area and the Sargent saw something that made him suspicious.

He only lasted another few months at that post then he was hit with shrapnel from a missile. He showed me the back part of his calf, with an 5-inch scar that deformed the muscle, and he said it went up the back of his leg, but he didn’t stand up to show me. Then he said, “Another big piece got me here”, and he lifted his T-shirt to show me a huge scar that dented his brick shaped belly.

“When they hit you, all you feel is the burn, and you can smell your skin burning, the metal is so hot.”

In the 25 minutes I sat with him, I just listened. He had a lot to share, and he kept the theme going of, “The things I saw there, nobody should ever have to see.”

I didn’t want to leave, but I had an interview to go to. Had I known the interview was going to be such a joke, I would have sat and listened to this war vet tell stories all day. But when I left the interview the man was gone. Like me he just sat down to eat his hotdog, and to talk to a stranger he’d never see again.

Where we left off

I met up with a buddy for the first time since early summer 2020. Our lives are taking us down very different paths, but we both appreciate connecting, sharing, and spending time together.

There’s no pretence, no catching up, just a chance to spend time doing things we enjoy together. That included a few meals, a couple workouts, and some UFC pay per view. Building new memories, not just rehashing old ones. There’s nothing wrong with remembering the good old days, we did a bit of that too, but when you connect with a good friend, it isn’t just about reminiscing. What we do is we just continue on where we left off, and add more value to the relationship, not just maintaining what we had.

Outside of my friends who are also colleagues in my school district, this is the first connection I’ve made with a friend since I was in Toronto last summer, and saw a good friend there. This pandemic has really left gaps between visits with friends, and it’s nice to know the friendships can keep going, when we finally reconnect… we just continue on from where we last left off.

The Crunch

My buddy Dave and I have a goal to get together every week of the school year and do The Coquitlam Crunch, a 5k round trip up and down the south-facing side of the lower Westwood Plateau. We first did this starting in late January and in August we decided to commit to missing a maximum of 4 weeks the whole school year. We’ve only missed one so far.

Usually we go after school on a Friday, and the last few have been in the dark, because we can’t get there early enough when the days get dark so fast. However, I couldn’t go Friday, and so we went at 8am this morning. According to the thermometer in my car, it was just 2 degrees Celsius when we started, but when you start your walk going up, it doesn’t take long to get warm.

These walks have been one of the things that have helped me get through the last year. Beyond my immediate family, I can count the number of social events I have done during work weeks this year on one or maybe two hands. It has been an isolating experience, and except for another connection through my archery, nothing social is regularly scheduled.

On these walks Dave and I might ‘talk shop’ for a little bit, but then the conversations can go anywhere… and they usually do. Good conversations, good exercise, fresh air, and quality time that has strengthened an already amazing friendship… The Crunch has become a bonding experience and a tradition that probably never would have happened had covid-19 not limited our ability to be social.

Thinking and sharing in the blogosphere

Yesterday I wrote about this quote, “Mindfulness is a pause – The space between stimulus and response: That’s where choice lies.” ~ Tara Brach

And Shiela Stewart shared a post she wrote with a similar quote, “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”  ~ Viktor E. Frankl Man’s Search for Meaning

Sheila wrote this in July of 2014, over 7 years ago. Although I wasn’t blogging every day back then I had already been blogging for 8 years. In those early blogging years I was an avid reader of other blogs, including Sheila’s, and a whole host of other educators. We were all writing, and reflecting, and learning from each other. We were in a community that understood the power of sharing our thoughts out in the open.

But there were other people who didn’t understand why we would do this. There were those that questioned how we had the time. Those that thought we were self-indulgent and thought we were only writing for self promotion rather than self reflection and learning. That’s still around today but not as much.

The reality is that I enjoy writing. I’ve enjoyed it since high school. And I feel like a writer when I share my work publicly… when I share my work in a community of other writers. When I add to the blogosphere.

And I absolutely love when another blogger shares their work with me. I totally see why Sheila connected the two quotes above. I understand her ‘blogger’s mind’ that thinks, ‘Dave will appreciate me making this connection’. I love that the connection was to a 7-year-old post, and the Sheila was able to put the connection together so many years later. Bloggers can do that. They can pull an idea up from a decade ago and see how it relates all these years later. And they aren’t afraid to share those thoughts.

This is driven by an understanding that when we learn in the open we are exposed to more connections and ideas than when we keep our learning to ourselves. The idea of being an open and connected learner is one that I think can still be misunderstood, but it isn’t misunderstood by those who are doing it, only by those on the outside that don’t get it. This isn’t ‘insider information’, it’s not a secret. We happily share it out in the open, here in the blogosphere.

14 years

I remember joining Twitter reluctantly in 2007. I thought, ‘I never update my status on Facebook, why would I join a new social media platform that is just the one feature of another social media platform that I don’t use?’ But as an educational blogger, I was reading about how powerful this tool was for educators and I hesitantly jumped on board.

After a short experimental phase I was hooked. Things like this happened all the time!

I was connected to a powerful network of educators who went out of their way to make connections, build community, and converse about teaching and learning. I’d go to conferences and connect with people I’d never met face to face, but whom I knew well, thanks to this amazing tool.

I even wrote a book to help others get started on Twitter:

Twitter EDU

Now I no longer use Twitter, and most other social media tools, nearly as much. They have become one-way transmission tools for my daily blog, which auto-posts to Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn when I hit ‘Publish’. I focus more on productivity, writing, than spending time consuming and using these tools.

But it’s still fun to get notifications like this yesterday:

I may not be on it as much, but Twitter helped me create an amazing community, and I cherish the connections and memories made.

Many years later…

Somewhere between the years 2000 and 2002 I taught a grade 8 art class. I was teaching a lesson on drawing faces with pencil and one student was a far better artist than me. She could really capture the details of the face, and not just be anatomically correct, but also bring life to her drawings. However she was hesitant to go dark with her work. It lacked contrast. Her drawings were like beautiful but faded photocopies.

“Don’t be afraid to go darker.” I would say. She would try and the image would get ever so slightly darker, but still look faded.

“Darker!” I would say.

“It is!” She would retort.

“Not enough, go darker.” Or, “You know what I’m going to tell you!”

It was a banter that went on all year, because no matter what we did in art, she had a pencil journal that she also worked on. Again, her work was beautiful, but too light.

Fast forward to yesterday, and this former student, now a friend on Facebook, did a tribute drawing of an older photograph, of a loved one. (It’s 5:30am, and I haven’t asked to share the story, so I’m not sharing names or details.) The drawing is beautiful with rich dark highlights, and still has her soft touch that brings her drawings to life.

I commented on the photo:

“Beautiful. Nice to see that you are no longer afraid to use rich dark shades 😜”

She replied,

“NO joke, I was actually hearing you repeat to go darker/not to be afraid to commit to it and smiling about how this many years later your teachings still come out 😊”

And,

“I even wondered if you’d consider it dark enough 😆 glad to see I’ve made progress with it!”

My response,

“It really is, and you’ve captured [your subject’s] sparkle… not easy to do in a drawing. I love it! ❤️”

I truly enjoy interactions like this. They warms my heart. They remind me of why I wanted to be a teacher, and make me miss being in the classroom.

We are lucky to live in an age where we can connect with former students and celebrate their marriages, the birth of their children, or just check in with them when things aren’t going their way. And it’s so much fun to know that we can make small differences in their lives, long after they’ve left our classroom.

Back to it

After a very restful March break, I’m back at it tomorrow. While the break was wonderful, and a part of me wants to just curl up in bed for another week, another part of me is excited for some busy normalcy.

It’s interesting, but I seem to get more of what I want done when I’ve got more on my plate… the very times that I wish I had more time, are the times when I get stuff done.

I’m looking forward to seeing staff and students. I’m looking forward to getting back into my morning workout routines. I’m looking forward to thinking about education in ways that I haven’t been too thoughtful about over the break.

The end of the year will come quickly now, and I know that in a few short months I’ll wonder where the time went. But for tomorrow, the focus will be catching up and connecting with my community, and then the ‘To Do’ list can officially start on Wednesday.