It goes without saying, yet here I am saying it… This is a complete work of FICTION. No real people inspired these characters, and no animals were harmed in the making of this story. 

the office zoo

The Rhinoceros: You are grateful he isn’t your boss. He was definitely a gym rat or a football player in his youth but the majority of his bulk is now focused around his 47 inch waist. You aren’t convinced that his steroid use didn’t permanently damage his brain. He angers easily and nothing that goes wrong is ever his fault. You’d hate him more if he was incompetent but despite his bluster and blame, he gets enough done to never let any problems fall on him. But despite his average performance, he still finds ways to brag and be a bully. While he doesn’t bully you, you know it’s only because you stood your ground with him once, very publicly, and that was enough to scare this loud coward from trying again. The Sloth isn’t so lucky, he is teased relentlessly and accepts the taunts passively. You know Rhinoceros would be an ass to work for, and despite him not pointing his anger and mean-heartedness towards you, you are sure that your equal stature in the organization is probably the only reason he is tolerable to be around.

The Sloth: Everything he does is… slow… and… calculated. You sat with him at lunch once. Once. It took him almost 3 minutes to prepare to eat. First he had to remove his sandwiches from wax paper, wrapped with neater corners than a military hospital bed. Who still uses wax paper to wrap sandwiches? He slowly placed the four triangular, half sandwich pieces, crust neatly cut off, symmetrically on his plate. Then, from his 1960’s styled lunch box, he pulled out and opened his vegetable container filled lengthwise with exact-sized celery and carrots sticks, with a width-long row of skin-removed cucumbers on one end. He took a moment to move a carrot stick that had shifted over the stack of celery. Then he opened his flask and carefully poured out some hot coffee-stain-coloured milk. Next he lay out cutlery and a napkin. He used a knife and fork to eat his quartered sandwich pieces. You were done your meal before he was a third done his, despite your trying to slow down. As an employee, he works equally as slow. In the two years since he was hired, you have yet to arrive at or leave the office before him. That he has never been late to complete a job has simply been a matter of the extra time Sloth is willing to put into his work. You find yourself trying to remember what he is wearing at the end of the day, wondering if he even went home, or if he just spent the entire night working.

The Giraffe: The long neck is metaphorical. She seems to be able to extend herself into every conversation, and she grazes on gossip, constantly chewing on any new shrubs of information she can get a hold of. Wherever she goes, she takes the water cooler conversation with her. You know she talks about you, but you brought that on yourself. Fed up with her coming to you with gossip,  you intentionally fed her three tidbits of fabricated, juicy and cleverly vague scandals. After denying or clarifying ‘that’s not quite what I said’ for the third time, you proved to be completely unreliable and a waste of her time. You are thankful she no longer brings the water cooler to you, although you are certain that those conversations include some very exaggerated lies about everything from your sex life to your financial status. It always amazes you that anyone would ever share anything confidential with the Giraffe, yet somehow she’s always drawing a crowd, like flies to a dead animal.

The Mocking Jay: He’s gay. This matters less to those around him than it matters to him. If he had a name badge he would find a way to add this information to it. It’s his identity before you know his name. He is loud, flamboyant, and very funny as long as you aren’t the brunt of his jokes. He mocks anyone he doesn’t like behind their backs, and although you think he likes you, you aren’t certain he doesn’t mock you behind your back too. If he is anywhere near the Giraffe, you see others congregating, some out of interest in the gossip, others for fear of being the target if they are not present. You are convinced that his scathing sense of humour is a defence mechanism, and you are a bit sad for him because without this mask you think he’d be a genuinely nice Jay. He isn’t. He decides within seconds if someone is worth his time and energy and his version of a cold shoulder is so icy it literally changes the temperature of the air, so much so that it leaves others with goosebumps. You get the chills any time you see him with Peacock.

The Peacock: She is the definition of eye candy. She has a perfectly symmetrical, beautiful face of a movie star, hourglass body that does not look cosmetically enhanced, yet leaves you guessing because it is so flawless. She is so gorgeous she is hard to look at for men and women alike. When she meets someone she immediately puts them into one of three categories. First, a pretty female who can become part of her peafowl pride. Second, a handsome male that she can flirt with. And the third group she seems to put in to a generic ‘other’ category that’s simply not worth her time. You belong in this category and she pays you no mind. Mocking Jay and Peacock will exclude all others from time to time but pretty men and women desperately try to belong with them, to be in the ‘in group’. While part of you can’t stand the cliquey high school cheerleader/jock feel of this animal flock, another part of you secretly wants to be in it.

The Hyena: With an unmistakable laugh this lone Hyena is heard long before seen. He can’t even greet you without the laugh escaping his lips, “So how are you today-hey-he-he-ha?” He’s so damn jolly it hurts. His annoying laugh even came out when Giraffe told us about her father’s death. While it was purely nerves with no malice, Giraffe has scorned Hyena ever since. You know he’s lonely, no one can tolerate being around him for too long. It’s like Winnie the Pooh mated with the laughing Buddha and birthed Andy Bernard with a penchant for laughing rather than singing. He scrounges around the office looking for a conversation to feed on, but shortly after arriving he tries to feed on what was said, and his annoying laugh sends everyone away. Mocking Jay and Peacock have a standing agreement to phone each other as an excuse to leave the conversation any time they see the other talking to Hyena.

The Lioness: Sometimes Queen and sometimes King, the Lioness is a boss with a bipolar personality. She is at her best as Queen, ruling with her heart and exuding the presence of a firm but fair mother taking care of her pride. But then she tries to be King, and out come the teeth, claws, and ferocious roar. She doesn’t need these, and it seems she doesn’t like to show this side of her personality. Yet somehow, deep down, she believes being the boss demands the regular appearance of an angry King. It’s as if stress triggers a response that injects toxic masculinity into her frontal lobe and testosterone replaces serotonin. You’ve given up trying to figure out which ruler she’ll be at any given moment of any day, and so you always prepare for the angry King, while hoping for the benevolent Queen.

The Human: That’s you. A self-righteous, judgemental asshole who thinks they are better than every other animal in the office zoo.