Tag Archives: listening

Rhyme (and) reason

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Sometimes something happens without rhyme or reason, with no logical reason for it to happen. Other times it is abundantly clear… to some people but not to others. So while an observer can see and make connections between events or experiences, the person in the situation believes there is no rhyme or reason, no connections at all. I witnessed this first hand in a conversation recently.

I was talking to someone who was very upset with the behaviors of another person. Why couldn’t this other person understand how to help themselves? Why did this other person not do what needed to be done? There was much frustration because this other person wouldn’t respond well to feedback. Then the person I was talking to shared a personal struggle, and it was abundantly clear to me that the rhyme and reason for their struggle was identical for them as it was for this other person. The situation was completely different, but the points of struggle were the same.

Isn’t that fascinating how we can see and be frustrated with the challenges we see others struggle with, and yet be blind to how we struggle in similar way? Simultaneously asking ‘Why can’t this other person see what needs to be done’, while being oblivious to the fact that we struggle in the same way in other areas of our own lives. Maybe I’m being unfair in saying they are oblivious? Maybe the frustration they see in themselves is precisely why there is frustration in the other person.

‘I hate seeing this other person struggle, because in this other person I see the thing I least like about myself.’

I saw the rhyme and reason. But that doesn’t mean I handled it well. On the contrary, and upon reflection, I could have navigated the conversation much better. I realize this only after the fact. The person I was talking to knew the other person wouldn’t respond well to feedback because they knew they wouldn’t. When I saw the connection, the parallel relationship, I should have realized the it was the wrong time for me to offer feedback. It wouldn’t be well received… it wasn’t well received. The pattern was there for me to see, but I missed it.

We don’t always see the rhyme and reason for why we do what we do. But maybe it’s easier to see this in other people… maybe we project our own insecurities and frustrations on others because we struggle ourselves. The very reason it bugs us in others is because it bugs us in us. But even knowing this, it hurts to hear it.

Conversation hog

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I had a conversation yesterday and upon reflecting on it I was a bit of a conversation hog. What made me realize this was that I asked a question and upon hearing the initial response, I immediately shared my similar experience. However in doing so, the conversation never got to the person fully answering my question.

I basically jumped in with a related story and took over the conversation. This undermined my initial question and the whole conversation. It’s not like I was rude, but I also wasn’t very polite. Why ask a question if I’m more interested in my own response rather than the person’s I’m asking?

Unfortunately I didn’t recognize this until after the conversation was over, and we had parted ways. Still, this was an excellent reminder that after I ask a question, the need to shut up and listen. I need to engage with the person I’m with in a way that is fully focused on hearing, and less on relating and sharing my own connections, especially when I’m asking for their story. That isn’t to say I can’t make a connection later, but the key word there is ‘later’.

Listen first. Seek to understand. Engage in their story, and when their story has been shared, only then should I consider interjecting my own story, and only if it adds value to the conversation.

Listen first.

My miscommunication

I really try to live by the mantra, ‘The meaning of your communication is the response you get’. It puts the burden of my clear communication solely on me. When someone misunderstands or misinterprets my communication, it’s not their fault, it’s mine… I could have been more clear, more concise, more thoughtful.

I had a written conversation with a colleague recently that didn’t go as I had planned. When I saw the misunderstanding, I tried to explain. But I came from a defensive stance about what I really meant. I didn’t think about what their response really meant. I worried too much about clarifying and not enough about understanding.

“This is what I meant to say,” does not repair what was said and interpreted incorrectly. Not usually. In a way it’s doubling down, it’s saying, “You were wrong in your interpretation.” It’s not saying, “I messed up in my communication.”

It’s a minor shift, simple to see after the fact, but delicately difficult to communicate in a response to what was clearly my poor communication. I didn’t get the response I wanted, thus I didn’t communicate well. If that’s my premise, then what I need to do is listen to their response, and communicate about that, not what I meant to say.

It’s a subtle shift. Not an easy one, but an important one.

A shoulder to cry on

This quote is worth sharing. It comes from one of the toughest guys in the mixed martial arts arena right now, Paddy Pimblett:

“There’s a stigma in the world that men can’t talk. Listen, if you are a man and you’ve got weight on your shoulders, and you think the only way you can solve this is by killing yourself, please speak to someone, speak to anyone…

I know I’d rather my mate cry on my shoulder, than go to his funeral next week.

So please, let’s get rid of this stigma, and men start talking.”

My thoughts on suicide are not something I share often, but for me there are two major losses: The obvious one is the death of the person who takes their own life. The second is the loss of living for those left behind… no one survives a suicide, because a small part of those left behind also dies. Guilt, blame, anger, and sadness do not fade easily, and while loved ones survive losing someone to suicide, a part of them dies with the person. In this way, I see suicide as very selfish. The person doesn’t just kill themselves, they kill a small part of everyone they leave behind.

It seems so senseless, and it is preventable. The challenge is that prevention doesn’t always start with those who will be left behind, it often needs to start with the person contemplating suicide reaching out.

I don’t pretend I have answers, and I don’t pretend to know what I’d say to make things better. But I know that talking to someone helps and I for one am willing to listen. Even if all this leads to is talking to someone else that has the knowledge and training to help…

I know I’d rather my mate cry on my shoulder, than go to his funeral next week.

Book stacks

As part of our main floor renovation, I moved a bookshelf yesterday. On this shelf I found 4 books that I had put aside to read. On the corner of my desk at work I have another 5. On Audible I have 3 credits, and a large list of books on my wish list, but I am listening to a few books offered for free first, and re-listening to parts of one that I’m developing some lessons for, for my Inquiry Hub students.

I’ve always been a painfully slow reader and so audible has been a wonderful treat. Since I started listening to Audible in 2017, I’ve listened to the equivalent of 1 month and 12 days worth of audio, according to the app. I have 111 books in my collection of which there are only 8 I have yet to read. In that time, I’ve read about 6-7 paper books completely and another 4-6 partially.

My stacks are unlikely to be read… unless I add them to my digital audio stacks. It’s a bit of an awakening to realize this. I don’t read books anymore, I listen to them. For me physical book stacks are nothing more than an audio wish lists. But somehow, I like seeing the stacks, even if I never get to them.

New Headphones

I finally bit the bullet and got some Airpods. I had to go for the more expensive Pro version because the regular Airpods don’t fit my ears. I’ve been buying cheaper headphones and time and again they have failed me. My most recent pair are just under a year old, and now I routinely need to turn one off in order to get the other to connect. I have another pair of over-ear headphones that I use when I exercise in the morning. They are great for the exercise bike and row machine, with excellent noise reduction, but they ‘click’ when I am running on the treadmill, which is quite annoying.

It seems crazy to me to spend so much on a set of headphones but I have tinnitus in one ear, and I’ve realized that good headphones are better than always complaining. I spend quite a bit of time listening to audio books, and podcasts, and I can definitely pay better attention when I’m not struggling to hear. It’s interesting to me that something like headphones now feel like an essential item. I rarely listen to music, but I do so much listening for learning and for pleasure that I’ve realized I spend hours a week with my headphones on.

Well, that’s me rationalizing a luxury purchase… no buyer’s remorse here, I’ve got snazzy new headphones, and I’m going to enjoy them. 🙂

Listen to what they have to say

Last week I wrote, ‘Know your audience‘ and asked, “Are you trying to share your view only with people that already agree with you? Or are you trying to share your view with others who think differently?“

Yesterday I wrote ‘When you live in a democracy… VOTE‘ and quoted Thomas Jefferson, “We do not have government by the majority. We have government by the majority who participate.”

Would my message actually reach anyone who chooses not to participate and change their mind? It’s possible, but unlikely.

I’m in education, it’s not that I don’t believe that we can change minds, open them to new ideas, and help people learn… it’s just that I’m guessing my audience already votes. And if they don’t, my post won’t change their pattern of behaviour. This reminds me of a quote that I often share,

“As a general rule, adults are much more likely to act their way into a new way of thinking than to think their way into a new way of acting.” ~Mark Millemann

Adults don’t tend to act differently as a result of hearing new and different ideas. They are not convinced easily, or as easily as kids. So how do we speak to them? In his comment on my ‘Know your audience‘ post, Dave Sands said,

“Perhaps share a your message in a “way” that they will hear it as well. Too often we display an emotional response to those who hold a different view and our egos emerge blocking any chance of reciprocal understanding. Staying logical and intentional with a genuine will to listen goes a long way in seeking to understand as opposed to seeking to convince.“

‘A genuine will to listen.’

Why don’t people really vote? I gave the reasons I thought, but are they the reasons people actually have?

It’s interesting that I originally titled this, ‘How do you speak to them?’ and not, ‘Listen to what they have to say’. But is listening enough? Can listening help me better understand something like a person’s choice not to vote in such a way that can then alter my argument enough to change their minds?

I can’t say that I’ve really tried. So, if you choose not to vote, tell me why? You don’t have to do this ‘out loud’, here is a contact form to share your thoughts privately, if a comment below is too public.

How can I help you act your way into a new way of thinking? Or why won’t I be able to do this?

I’m listening:)

Purposeful Contributions

Yesterday I was part of a meeting with teachers offering a new course this year. Teachers and administrators (principals or vice principals) from each high school were there, and the VP in charge had us go around the table sharing. When it was my turn, I passed it over to one of my teachers who supports this course online. Since she works closely with the Inquiry Hub teacher who teaches the course, and she knows the content of the course better than I do, I knew she would do a better job than me sharing.

The next round, the conversation was more specific about delivery in the schools. When it got to me, I realized that in the context of both the online school and Inquiry Hub, nothing I could share would benefit a school of 1,000+ students, like the other schools that were sharing. So, I passed when it was my turn.

Anyone who has been in a meeting with me knows that I am not afraid to speak up or speak out. I’m happy to share my thoughts, ask a question, or present an idea. But I don’t need to hear my own voice. There was nothing I could have added to the conversation that would have benefited others.

The meeting was excellent. I think everyone left knowing a lot more than when they came, and my online teacher is creating a shared repository for all the teachers to contribute to, and benefit from. I definitely benefited more from listening than talking, and think that I would not have added value by saying more… I would have wasted the time of the group.

Moral of the story: Make positive and purposeful contributions, or shut up and listen.

The Dalai Lama is a bit more eloquent:

When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.

The Dalai Lama