Tag Archives: kindness

A dignified ending

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I had a wonderful chat with a family member yesterday. She has a nursing background and is taking a course to become an end-of-life doula. In her words, we spend a lot of time helping to bring someone into this world, but don’t often give enough thought to that kind of support for people leaving this world. She also said something that stuck with me… we are very thoughtful and compassionate about caring for our pets end of life, more so than we are with humans.

When we see a pet suffering, we want to end that suffering. When a family member is suffering, we want them to hang on, to stay strong, and to endure for just a little longer. It makes me wonder, is this love and kindness or selfishness? Are we holding on for their sake or our own?

It’s one thing to want to end a life unnecessarily early, when counselling, support, and opportunities and potential for better days lay ahead… and yet another for someone with a painful and terminal illness. For the latter, there can be opportunities to make the process dignified and maybe even joyful.

In thinking about diseases of the mind, like Alzheimer’s, I wouldn’t want my family having to care for me while I can’t even remember them. If I had terminal cancer and was in pain every day, I would not want to drag out my end of life simply to prolong my daily suffering.

I can see a lot of value in an end-of-life doula to put the inevitable process of dying into perspective. To help provide not just support to a dying person but also to the family they leave behind. The process is not easy, and having kind and thoughtful support at such a stressful time is probably something many people would benefit from.

Hopefully I won’t be needing one any time soon, but it’s nice to know that there are people out there willing to provide caring palliative support to people in the same loving way we would provide end of life care for the animals we love.

Unselfish Giving

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I have a family member who isn’t a doctor but has volunteered to go help doctors provide surgeries in a rural part of a poor country, where the locals can’t afford or don’t have access to some of these lifesaving procedures. It will be a very rewarding experience, but it’s also something that won’t feel like a vacation. It will be challenging, especially during triage when some patients will be turned away. Still, I know that this will be a very rewarding experience for her.

That’s the amazing thing about unselfish giving. The reward is worth the sacrifice. Unselfish giving is innately rewarding. On the other hand selfish giving comes with an expectation of reward: Accolades, attention, recognition, appreciation. These things might also come with unselfish giving, but they aren’t expected. And for an unselfish giver, there is no false modesty in receiving recognition, in fact there might even be embarrassment.

The difference between unselfish and selfish giving is in the external expectations. Selfish giving needs the external reward and unselfish giving only requires internal rewards. Both can get the external rewards, however when the selfish giver doesn’t get them, they feel cheated and less joyful, whereas the unselfish giver can receive no external rewards or attention and be equally if not more joyful for not having to face the unwanted attention.

Ironically whether a kindness is given for selfish or unselfish reasons, a good is still being done. And recognition is probably deserved either way. It’s only when the recognition isn’t received that the true value of giving unselfishly really shows up.

In the end, I believe that unselfish giving is inherently more rewarding, more joyful, and more fulfilling. But motives are not that important as long as good is being done… and so if someone wants praise for doing something good, well, do the unselfish thing and give it to them.

What I wouldn’t do

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What would you do if you were a God? That’s a challenging question. An easier question is what wouldn’t you do?

Here is what I wouldn’t do:

  • I wouldn’t wait thousands or hundreds of thousands of years to present myself to my ‘subjects’. (Or I would wait longer so that my message could spread more easily, and in high definition.)
  • I wouldn’t root my religion in superstitions about the natural world.
  • I wouldn’t write my holy book with references to social norms and practices that will date themselves and become embarrassingly outdated.
  • I wouldn’t introduce my religion to only one geographical location and leave many others clueless to my existence. (If I did pick just one geographical location, I’d choose one where my subjects were the most literate and able to share my words more consistently and precisely.)
  • I wouldn’t punish my subjects for being unbelievers, I would let their good or bad actions be the measure of their right to eternal life after death.
  • I wouldn’t expect obedience, I could have created slaves rather than self-conscious beings if obedience was really important to me.
  • I wouldn’t want anyone to fight expansionist wars in my name. Why pit my subjects against each other? This seems a bit egotistical for a god!

I’m not wise enough to list all the things I would do, without contradicting myself or being in some way myopic, selfish, or egotistical… that said, I could probably get together with a team of thoughtful people and improve on any and all holy texts. It would take equal or less effort compared to the apologists who defend and justify the contradictions in these texts, rather than admitting that a wise and benevolent God would never had allowed such poorly written scriptures to be written either by Him or in His name.

I have not yet seen a scripture or text written to this day that I believe a benevolent and loving God would have written. But there are many holy texts that such a kind and worthy-of-worship God would never have written.

Idiots, cruelty, and kindness

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Sometimes I hear something and I think, ‘I wish I said that’. This video ends that way. It doesn’t start that way, I almost stopped listening, but I’m glad I waited past the comedy to get to the real message.

“Empathy and compassion are evolved states of being.”

And so,

“…the kindest person in the room is often the smartest.”

Prove your intelligence. Be kind.

Left unsaid

I was having a conversation with my daughter yesterday and I mentioned a podcast I was listening to with Dr. Daniel Amen. The point I shared with her was how Dr. Amen talks about killing ANTs… Automatic Negative Thoughts. My daughter liked that idea and added something she has been working on, which is, “Don’t let a positive thought go unsaid.”

I really like this idea and think I’m going to work on the same.

How often do we complain about bad customer service, but we just appreciate good customer service, yet leave those thoughts unsaid?

How often do we get frustrated with a loved one or a coworker who doesn’t do what we expect them to do, but don’t really value them when they do a little extra?

How often do we focus on ANTs, but leave our positive thoughts unsaid?

Assuming the worst

It’s reactive rather than thoughtful. It amazes me how many issues today are immediately an 11 on a scale of 1-10. Let’s just bypass the normal scale and make the issue beyond the norm.

There is no room for ‘ooops’. There is no opportunity to reduce the conflict or issue, it’s just a direct inflation to anger and upset. Retribution trumps resolution. The disagreement itself is an offence and the only solution is complete surrender, full admittance of wrongdoing, no opportunity for negotiation or mutual understanding.

People don’t interact with other people perfectly. Communication is an imperfect art. But interactions get worse when the worst interpretations are assumed. When there is an immediate high voltage response to an issue, the conversation continues to stay charged longer than it needs to. Sparks fly, and no one comes out un-singed.

It’s reactive rather than thoughtful. It is a jump to the worst conclusions. And it leads to no one coming out unscathed, unhurt, or even feeling like the resolution was rewarding.

How much could this change if we believed everyone was doing the best they could? If we chose to assume the best? If we started from a place of compassion rather than getting ramped up? If this is where we started I think, I know, a lot of situations would escalate to a 3/10, and never get to an 11/10.

Wouldn’t that be a better place to start?

One world under God

Imagine a world where everyone who prayed believed that no matter what religion anyone practiced, that the higher being they prey to is The Creator. Can an all powerful God not manifest Him/Her/Itself in many ways to many peoples? Does this God need to share their understanding with every tribe, in every language, and in every culture identically? Would that even make sense?

If there is One God then could we not see the Good in all holy texts, and recognize our similarities? Recognize the kindness to strangers all these books profess? Recognize that living a spiritual life means spreading love and kindness rather than raising arms against our brothers, sisters, and other children of the same God?

If The Creator is the same creator, no matter the religion, then why would we be fighting? It can not be in God’s name. So it must be a weakness of our species that creates the hatred. It is the territorial animal in us that overpowers our humanity.

A spiritual, kind, and loving being does not attack fellow beings; does not send their children to war; does not treat children as pawns or collateral. Since religions can not bring our world together I have to wonder what can? What can bring our people, all of our tribes together?

I want to believe that we can see ourselves as a species that is kind. I want to believe that we can see ourselves as a species that is loving. I want to believe that we can see ourselves as a species that is peaceful. I want to believe that humanity is more powerful than our animal instincts and that we are wise enough to solve our problems without the need to kill our neighbours, here on this planet with so-called ‘intelligent’ life… that one God created.

The meaning of generosity

Conversation with my wife:

“Have you written your blog post today?”

“No… What should I write about?”

“How about being generous?”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Like doing something just to be nice and not wanting or needing anything in return.”

“That’s great, yes, I’ll use that.”

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It’s not truly generous if you want or expect something in return.

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Being someone who does the right thing because it’s the right thing… that’s an honourable life.

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The willingness to give for giving’s sake is the essence of true giving.

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It’s fine to receive kindness for being giving, but the moment you look for, or expect, gratitude or appreciation for what you are giving, the less authentic was the giving.

Kindness really matters

I wrote about a kind act yesterday, and today I got this image as a Facebook memory:

I believe that kindness can be contagious, it can become memidemic (my word for a positive epidemic). Kindness resonates, it has a frequency that when put out in the world will be picked up by others nearby. Just like a tuning fork of the same frequency will start to vibrate if another tuning fork, similarly tuned, is vibrating nearby, so too does kindness resonate.

Choose kindness today. Even if the kindness is not returned, know that it will resonate and you will be contributing in making the world a better place.

Kindness of strangers

I have a small magnetic wallet at the back of my phone. It holds 4 cards snugly. After work finished, I took my work Mastercard and one other card out, with intentions of replacing them. But before I did, the two remaining cards fell out. I didn’t notice until the end of a busy day where I had been on a long walk and at a shopping mall as well as work and home.

The missing cards were my Visa and my Driver’s license. I quickly put my card on hold, freezing it from use, and started the hunt. I retraced my steps that day and couldn’t find them. Then I was contacted by a postal worker, who found my cards and returned them to my mailbox. He then found me and my wife on Facebook and messaged us both.

I’ve thanked him in a message, but haven’t had communication back yet to find out where they were found.**

There are always reports about scammers, theft, and violence that make the news. It’s just nice to know there are good, kind, thoughtful people out in the world.

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** Update, he found them in a mailbox near the trail I walked. So it was two good people: the first who put them in the mailbox, and the mail carrier who delivered them to my house!