Tag Archives: insomnia

Consistency is built on the hard days

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I barely slept last night. This doesn’t happen often, but if you search my blog for the word insomnia, you’ll see that periodically I struggle with sleep. This time I question if it wasn’t at least partially initiated by my own perseverating thoughts after I had a rougher than usual nights sleep two nights ago. I felt like this was coming on, and couldn’t shake the thought. Did I unintentionally will a night of almost no sleep into existence or was I just feeling it build in my body? I don’t know.

In my years as an educator, most of my absences have been related to back pain, but this morning after staring at the ceiling as the room brightened, I decided that with the lack of sleep the night before compounding a sleepless night, I would would take the day off. Today I had two long naps. The first one was broken, fighting my monkey-mind and restless body, and the second one longer and much more like real sleep. Tonight I’ll catch up on work, and then intentionally go to sleep a little later than usual… hopefully feeling tired and sleeping through the night.

That’s a long introduction to make a simple point. It would have been easy to skip my workout today. But I didn’t. In fact, I think I would attribute my longer, better nap to getting the feelings of restlessness out of my body. I spent 30 minutes with a weighted vest, on an incline, on my treadmill. It was hard enough that I went slower than I normally do and on less of an incline. I didn’t enjoy it, but I did it. I also did a humorous attempt at a meditation where my internal dialogue was so loud, and so lacking in concentration that squirrel brain would be a complimentary description. But I did it. Now I’m spending too much time rewriting my words here, making me realize I should make dinner before attempting to tackle anything related to work… but I’m writing, and I will do some work catch-up before tomorrow.

All this to say that doing my usual routines today has been challenging. And not very rewarding. But there is one key reward that I’m getting out of this and that’s consistency. I’m continuing my habits despite it not being easy to do today. My body and my brain are not allowing me to be at my best, but I’m not allowing me to use that as an excuse. Actually, two good things happened today. First of all, I did get a few hours of solid sleep that have me on a recovery path after a sleepless night last night. Secondly, I maintained my habits. Because the hardest days are the days that really matter. I didn’t need a break from my habits today, I needed to do them despite how hard they were to do. That’s what make them habits and not just things I like to do.

3am

I’ve got my screen dimmed and the tone of my phone’s light to warm colours, but I know the screen isn’t helping me sleep so this will be short.

I fell asleep sitting upright on a chair not too long after dinner and slept for a solid 4 hours in that position. Now I’ve been restless since before 2am. I’ve reached the point where I need to write and set my alarm later, because I don’t think I can wake up before 6am, and I’m not able to fall asleep right now.

It’s one thing to need less sleep than most, another to have insomnia, and still another to mess up my own sleeping patterns by napping before bedtime. So here I am at 3:10am with self-induced insomnia, feeling like I’ve had a crappy night and needing more unconscious time to have a productive day.

15 years ago I would have just started my day. But I can’t do that anymore. I know my limits and I need 3 more hours (hopefully uninterrupted) to have a good day ahead of me. I think writing this rather than laying down aimlessly staring at nothing will give me a sense of accomplishment, and I’ll fall asleep faster. And now that I’ve done my Daily-ink, I can set my alarm a half hour later.

I’ll end by wishing myself sweet dreams. This might be the first morning in weeks I’ll hear my alarm, rather than waking up 5-10 minutes before it. But before I wake up… I need to sleep.

Restless nights

Yesterday was a good day back to work. It was great to see staff and students, and it was a productive day. But the last two nights have been restless. Bizarre dreams and many times awake through both nights. It doesn’t feel like my usual insomnia that I’m prone to, but it is exhausting nonetheless.

I tend not to remember most dreams, but the ones I do remember are often stressful and include me waking up several times then stupidly going right back into the dream to continue them. Cognitively, I tell myself it’s just a dream, but I’m not awake enough to realize that I don’t need to maintain continuity and can just let the dream go.

I had one such dream that kept going and going last night, until I finally woke up to go to the bathroom. This is something I very rarely do, but last night it actually helped me get out of the restless dream cycle. Yet still my night continued to be broken.

I even tried meditation. I did 10 minutes timed with my meditation app to start the night, and I just focussed on my breathing to get myself back to sleep a couple more times. While these helped, meditation didn’t break the pattern of their uneasy dreams and many more wake ups.

I think I’ll try a hot tub before bed tonight. I’ll shut down my devices early. I’ll listen to some music without lyrics. Hopefully I can break the cycle and get a good night’s sleep. While I know I’ll be fine today, and I have a schedule that will prevent me from napping after work (which is a good thing), I know I’ve got to break my restless sleep schedule. It will lead to some very tiring days if I don’t.

I’m ready for some sweet dreams tonight.

Charge your batteries

I went for a walk this morning. Met two friends and we had a social distance walk. We chatted about work to the halfway point then I instituted a push-up rule on the way back: first person to talk shop does 5, next one 10… etc. One buddy did 5, I did 10, and we talked about family and favourite movies and series the rest of the time. First face to face connection with anyone outside my family in weeks.

Came home and showered and went for another walk with my wife. Just did my meditation and cleared my mind some more.

Beyond that I had more than 5hrs sleep last night for the first time in a week, as it seems my insomnia is lifting. Even with the lack of sleep through the last week, Friday at work was incredibly productive. I haven’t had a day with so many things checked off my ‘to do’ list in months.

And now I’m m listening to one of my new favourite songs on repeat, created by one of our students at Inquiry Hub. I find that a single song on repeat helps me write. Usually I pick one without lyrics, but this one works for me.

Even though I missed my workouts Wednesday and Friday from shear exhaustion from insomnia, I still made my 5-a-week minimum. And, I can feel that my period of maintenance is ending and I’m ready for another push. I’m a year and a half behind my goal to do a one-minute unsupported handstand… maybe that’s my goal again after finally feeling fully recovered from a shoulder injury.

Traditionally this weekend is a wipeout. I’m exhausted and the Christmas break can’t come fast enough. I already have at least 55 hours of work scheduled next week with after school meetings booked, and I can’t think too much about the break because it is still far away. So I won’t think about that.

Instead I’ll think about my batteries feeling charged. I’ll do a chore I had put off until the holidays, and get that out of the way now. I’ll write some more… and hopefully sleep for a solid 7 hours tonight. Despite feeling fully charged, I’m going to keep myself metaphorically plugged in, while I feel the power surging in.

Insomnia strikes again

I tried exercising before bed yesterday to help combat it. Found myself eating an hour later and still up well past midnight.

I don’t know what’s different right now? I can see the holidays ahead. I feel things are going as well as can be at home and work. I am feeling fit. I see positive news about a vaccine coming months sooner than I would have predicted. So what’s keeping me up?

I wouldn’t mind so much if it was creative time, but it isn’t. It’s unproductive time that I can’t concentrate on anything I would really want to do with more awake time. And it makes me feel more unproductive during the rest of the day, when I feel not tired, but slow.

Meditation is all but useless because I can’t stop my mind from racing long enough to actually meditate. I’m scattered and not doing more than putting myself through the (attempted mental) motions. My mind is too noisy to be still. Too restless to be useful. Too sleep deprived to be productive.

Reading this, I make it sound a lot worse than it is. I’m still functioning well enough that I can get things done. I feel like a six cylinder engine running on four cylinders… Still running, still capable of getting me where I need to go… just not at full capacity.

I think I’ll really try and stay away from my phone and laptop this weekend, other than listening to a novel. I think I need to stop distracting my distracted and sleep deprived mind with a screen. But even as I say this, I know it will be tough because I don’t enjoy it when my insomnia brain has nothing to be distracted by, but it can’t be productive.

Meanwhile, it’s still Friday and I need to focus on a good day at work ahead. I’ll exercise earlier than last night (couldn’t wake up early enough for my morning routine)… and hopefully early to sleep tonight.

Broken sleep cycle

I just had a long afternoon nap. Long enough that I’m going to struggle sleeping tonight. It’s a vicious cycle when my sleep patterns get messed up. It never starts intentionally, a late night where I can’t fall asleep is all it takes to start me off. Then suddenly everything goes out of whack.

This afternoon I set an alarm to stop me from sleeping too long, but I turned it off and didn’t get up. That’s not like me, and so it tells me that I needed it. But now what? What happens tonight when I try to get a decent night’s sleep?

I’m someone who used to do well on 5-6 hours a night, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve needed more. I fought it for a while, but realized I was less productive and so let myself sleep longer. Over the summer I was getting closer to 7 hours and very frequently waking up before my alarm. Now the alarm is essential, and my time in bed is much longer than my time actually sleeping.

It’s hard to battle because part of it is insomnia that I seem to have no control over, and part of it is the patterns I end up following that promotes rather than reduces my insomnia… so I don’t help myself.

Workouts help, routines help, and discipline helps. I’m sharing this because I’ve learned that if I want to change something, making it public is more effective than trying to quietly convince myself that I’ll change. I need to share that I’m going to work at building consistency into my schedule, and therefore help rather than hinder my sleep struggles.

Changing routines on weekends, (like writing this so late, and still not having had my workout), doesn’t help. Late night scrolling on my phone when I can’t sleep doesn’t help. Long naps do not help. Sharing this with you now does. Wish me luck fighting this recent bout of insomnia.

Sleep vs the demons

I usually meditate before I write my Daily Ink. I’m trying to create and build a consistent habit, so that this becomes second nature. But last night the demons got to me, and I need to write before I waste 10 minutes pretending to be mindful.

I don’t get insomnia often, but when I do it strikes hard. Last night wasn’t fun. I tried focusing on my breathing. I tried thinking happy thoughts. I heard noises downstairs and went to check, knowing full well that there was nothing to check.

I dosed off and the stress of my dreams woke me. My mind focused on the negative and wouldn’t let go. I tossed, I turned, I lay awake and unsettled.

Last night I battled my demons, and they stole my sleep. Now it’s up to me to decide if they will still my day too. It’s time to meditate, then exercise. The demons won’t like either of those things.