Tag Archives: friendship

‘Le-we-go-lime’

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A few days ago I wrote, ‘Create Experiences’ and said,

As time passes, and I’m looking ahead at retirement, I think about the time I have left with family and friends. I wonder how do I create experiences rather than just reminiscing? When we meet up, are we doing something together or are we reflecting and sharing stories of the past?

On Facebook Al Lauzon commented,

I don’t think you are wrong but we need to recognize that developmentally we revisit our past and tell stories as we are engaged in making sense of our life as we age. Even in the elderly the repeating of the same stories of the past is making sense of our life. We have tendency to attribute the repeating of the story to forgetfulness but that is not necessarily the case. It is our attempt to make sense of our life. We should also note that we are not always conscious of what we are doing when we are engaged in this developmental process. According to the psychologist Erikson successful development during this stage of life leads to integrity and peace. Failure to make this developmental transformation leads to despair. Revisiting our life is important just as engaging new experiences is important.

And I responded,

Al Lauzon well said. I completely agree. My thoughts while writing the post related to my friends at a distance that I don’t see often. I think it’s easy to get caught up in the mode of ‘catching up’ and reminiscing, without planning new experiences.
It’s wonderful to look back at old times fondly and conversations can fill with laughter and happy thoughts as old times are re-lived. You are so correct about the value here… but when you don’t see someone often and that’s all you do, then you are missing out on creating new memories to hold on to at a different, future date.

Then today I saw a clip of a podcast I heard not too long ago. It is of Trevor Noah talking to Steven Bartlett on Dairy of a CEO. The title on the clip is ‘The importance of Liming (Caribbean style)’. The clip describes hanging out with friends, with no agenda, just to be together.

It reminded me of a Bajan saying growing up, ‘Le-we-go-lime’, an accented, Bajan way to say, ‘Let us go hang out together’. Unlike a set plan, that statement could be said even before a destination is chosen. It’s not an invitation out, it’s an invitation in… in to a circle of friends that are just getting together to be together.

Al’s comment and Trevor’s video clip are reminders to me that although it’s important to create new experiences, it’s also important to find time just to be together with friends, and with good friends you don’t need to have an agenda, an activity, or even a plan beyond just being together.

Case in point, I haven’t seen Al in over 30 years, and if I had a chance to see him face to face, I really wouldn’t want to be doing an activity beyond sipping a coffee or a beer when we got together. I’d want nothing more than some good time to lime.

It was special

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The reason we gathered wasn’t a happy one, but we took the opportunity to gather.

I became a teacher in 1998, and I joined a staff where 14 of 28 of us were brand new with another 2 teachers that had less than a year’s experience. It was Como Lake Middle School, and over the next 9 years I worked with an absolutely incredible staff.

We learned so much together. We had so much fun. When I speak to former students from that era they all share one or more of these quotes:

“We could tell that you liked being teachers.”

“We could tell you were all friends, liked each other, and liked coming to school.”

“We could tell you liked us and cared about us.”

“You guys made middle school fun.”

I thought I’d try high school or another school after 5 years, and I stayed for 4 more because it was too hard to let go of such a fantastic community. These people helped sculpt me as an educator and a leader.

Connecting with them yesterday reminded me of what an amazing group of people I ‘grew up with’ as an educator.

I feel blessed to know these people.

Breaking bread

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I’ve had a few opportunities to have lunch with, to break bread with, colleagues in the past several weeks. Having a meal together, outside of the usual staffroom with its comfortable banter is a treat. It is a good reminder of the fact that we all have lives outside of this thing called work.

I find that my connections to people can become fixed in a place-based kind of experience, and we all play the roles we are supposed to play… to leave that environment and break bread is an opportunity to find new connections, to be ourselves and not just our roles.

Friendtegrity

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Just to be clear, friendtegrity isn’t a word. I just smashed friend and integrity together. That said, it is likely you read the word and knew what I was going to talk about.

I’m listening to Trevor Noah on Steven Bartlett’s podcast, Diary of a CEO. In it they are discussing friendship and Steven asks Trevor, “How do you define a bad friend?… How do you spot one?”

Trevor says, “I don’t think you spot them, I think you feel it… And I think it’s a lot easier for us to spot than you think it is. One of the easiest ones is, can you be yourself? You know, sometimes they’re not a bad friend, they’re a bad friend for you, because you are not revealing yourself to them. And so they are being friends with the idea of you but they are not being friends with you. And then you leave thinking, I don’t feel good. But they don’t even know you, so you can’t blame them for being a bad friend.”

Trevor goes on to say, “I almost think there is no such thing as a bad friend, you are just in a bad friendship… because they could be a good friend to somebody else… this is just a bad friendship for you.”

When I think of my connections to good friends, I see that my own integrity is intact. I feel comfortable enough around them that I am revealing my true self. I am comfortable with them, we can have pauses without having to fill the silence. I can be vulnerable. I can tease and joke without there being concern for harm or defensiveness, and in fact laugh at myself when the teasing is directed at me.

It’s a lot different with a bad friend, a friend with whom I feel I can’t be my true self when I’m with them. That is a friendship that doesn’t have integrity, it doesn’t let me reveal myself and so the bond is only a surface level bond. The chemistry of good friendship goes beyond that.

When you have friendtegrity, that’s really special. You can spend hours together, because you don’t have to fill the time. And equally, you can spend months or even years apart and when you meet again it’s like the time gap disappears. That’s the power of a good friendship. When you have it, you can feel it. And if it’s truly authentic, the feeling isn’t just yours, you and your friend feel it, because you are both revealing your true selves to each other.

Do it anyway

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I love this video I found on LinkedIn, shared by Soren Harrison.

“Discipline doesn’t care if you are tired. ‘You’re tired?’

Do it anyway. Right?

Discipline says ‘Oh you don’t feel good.’

Well do it anyway.

Discipline says ‘It’s raining outside and it’s cold. It’s windy.’

Do it anyway.”

It was miserable out today… an ‘atmospheric river’. There is flooding all over the Vancouver Mainland. My buddy Dave and I did our walk anyway. Our 149th Coquitlam Crunch since January 2021.

Excuses are easy. Discipline is doing it anyway… no matter what gets in the way.

Giving Thanks

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It was a different kind of Thanksgiving this year, the first one where both of our daughters were not with us. We went to my sister and brother in-laws, who were also without kids, and we had paella. It was delicious, I can honestly say that I didn’t miss having turkey.

I want to take a moment and be thankful. Thankful for family and friends. Thankful for good health. Thankful to be living in a prosperous country by global standards, and thankful that it is a democracy. Thankful to live in a beautiful country that is very green and very clean. Thankful for a great job where I can contribute my services to a meaningful cause for a good wage. Thankful for access to delicious food any time that I’m hungry.

It’s when we don’t have these things that we miss them most. The fact that I do have them should not go without appreciation and thanks. I have much gratitude for the life I live, and the people I get to spend it with. 🙏

Coaching matters

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I mentioned yesterday that I’ve been struggling to push myself in workouts. Today I went to my friend’s gym with him and I did his routine. First of all, having a workout buddy is a great motivator. But also, we did exercises I haven’t done before and he coached me through them. He even coached me on bench press, which I’ve done quite a bit of before.

I can’t stress how valuable it is to get good coaching. Subtle changes in body position can make a huge difference in working the right muscles, and performing in a way that’s more efficient, effective, and safe. And when you are trying to work a muscle and you actually isolate it such that you aren’t cheating using other nearby muscles, you are bound to see better gains than doing the same reps and weight but with poor technique.

Good coaching really matters and today I got to push myself harder than I have in a while. So much so, I think I need a nap to recover.

You can’t make old friends

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In the past couple weeks I’ve spent time with a friend I met on the first day of university, a friend I met in a class at the start of high school, and (via social media) the brother of one of my first friends when I moved to Canada. I’ve known these guys for 38, 41, and 47 years respectively. Add to that the only other friend I’ve spent time with recently, and he’s someone I started my career with 26 years ago. And just over a month ago I got to connect with some lifelong friends I hadn’t seen in a while. A commenter on my post about this said, “You can’t make old friends.”

It has made me realize how the bond of friendship transcends time. It takes a while to make a good friend, and then they last a lifetime. It makes me think of the good friends I’ve lost touch with, or don’t get in touch enough with. They are too valuable to let go.

I’m going to reflect on this a bit and try to reconnect with some people whom I’ve really valued over the years… friends and family I don’t see or talk to enough. It’s hard to make old friends at my age, so I need to take care of those long term friendships I already have.

The Grind 2024

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My buddy Dave does the Grouse Grind once every year, close to his birthday. I did it with him a couple years ago, and back then we did it in just over an hour.

According to the website, “The Grouse Grind® is a 2.5-kilometre trail up the face of Grouse Mountain, commonly referred to as “Mother Nature’s Stairmaster”.”

Well, thanks to Dave pushing me, I just broke the 1 hour mark this year.

Dave did a bit faster than me. We took a 3 minute water break for my sake at the 1/2 way point and I had to slow down at the 3/4 mark. When I saw at this point that we were at 45 minutes in, I told Dave not to wait for me because I didn’t want to be the reason he didn’t break an hour.

So I finished at 59:52 and Dave made it to the top in 58:00. This climb is almost the same distance as our Coquitlam Crunch we do weekly but it’s 3 times the elevation, and takes us more than twice as long to the peak.

I’m not going to lie, nothing about this hour climb is fun. It’s gruelling from the time your heart rate spikes near the bottom and it is a push all the way to the top. But it feels great to know that we can still push ourselves to this level, and to actually do it faster than last time is an accomplishment.

That said, I’m happy to put off doing it again for another year. We’ll squeeze in another 40 Crunch climbs in before then.

Thanks for the push Dave, I expect the same next year.

Workout buddy

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I work out at home. Getting up and just having to go to my basement with no commute time to and from the gym is great. There is minimal resistance, I have no excuse, and I I’ve averaged working out more than 6 days a week over this year. If I had to travel to a gym, I wouldn’t keep that average up.

That said, it’s awesome to do a workout with a buddy. There are added motivations to really push when: you have someone next to you working hard; you know that they will spot you if you are struggling; and, admittedly it’s just easier to push yourself when you’ve got an audience.

I am doing a week long trail at my buddy’s gym and went for a workout this morning. We did a chest workout. It was fast, and yet it was more comprehensive than what I do at home, and I worked harder than I usually do at home. Realizing this is making me rethink my workout schedule. I don’t want to pay monthly fees for a gym I rarely use, I also don’t want to disrupt my morning routine or wake up even earlier to add 30 minutes commute time to my routine.

Not sure I can get the best of both worlds, but for at least a couple more times in the next week, I hope I get to work out with a buddy!