Tag Archives: anger

Invisible shield

Leave a reply

The reason casinos give you chips instead of using cash is because chips are not money. Losing a $25 chip doesn’t feel as bad as losing 25 dollars. The chip is a chip, it’s not money. I think there is a similar thing going on with rude comments on the internet and the brazen use of email, messaging, and commenting of the kinds of things people would never say face-to-face.

It’s like there is an invisible shield that people think goes up when they communicate online. People feel that they are given permission to say whatever (the ****) they want to say because they are not actually saying it to someone’s face. Like somehow it’s not a real insult because it’s not in-person. It’s once removed, like the poker chip, it isn’t ‘as real’.

But it is.

The invisible shield is not really a shield. It’s a facade, it appears to be a sort of shield or protection but it’s not. The rude and condescending email is an insult even if it wasn’t said directly in a conversation. The rude, misogynist, hateful, and/or insulting comment online isn’t funny, it isn’t appropriate, and it could have consequences. Anonymity is not guaranteed, and consequences can be significant.

There is no invisible shield. Words matter no matter where you say them. More and more people are finding this out the hard way.

All Alone

Leave a reply

“And the waitress is practicing politics 
As the businessmen slowly get stoned 
Yes, they’re sharing a drink they call loneliness 
But it’s better than drinkin’ alone”

Billy Joel, Piano Man

I have always been someone that enjoys alone time. Getting up at 5am and appreciating the quiet of the morning is a comfort for me. But I’m blessed with a wonderful family and I get a lot of social time too. For me, being alone is about quiet time, thinking time, and working out.

For others alone time feels more like isolation. It’s time spent wanting to connect and be with others. Here, the internet is both a tool for good and evil. Some use it to connect, they find groups with interests like theirs and join communities. Others use it to escape loneliness. They can play games, and connect with strangers, watch livestreams, and escape into movies and whole seasons of a tv show. This isn’t always good because it can feed an addiction to things that are really only distractions.

Others are less social and less kind. They are hurt by their feelings of isolation and they use the internet to lash out at the world. Negative comments, hate, and misogyny are ways that they weaponize their contribution to the internet. Their only ‘likes’ are for people who are equally as upset and angry as them. Anyone else feels their wrath.

Their loneliness breeds hate, which is shared in embarrassingly rude comments. Comments which do not add value and actually attack or insult others. The internet becomes a conduit for them to show that they are disgruntled with the world. Some just see this as harmless fun. Others see it as an avenue to vent their unhappiness.

This is fed by ‘influencers’ like Andrew Tate, who embolden these loners and help them feel more aggressive, and powerful, and less like a victim. These lonely followers need an alternative community to join. Countering them and attacking their views emboldens their stance. It’s easy to spread hate when you feel hated. They won’t change because there are counter arguments against them. Instead they need a new place to feel connected and less alone.

But that’s not the way they are dealt with. There is a new approach, similar to what we see when dealing with ‘Karens’. Expose them and ridicule them. No space given for an apology, no opportunity for learning and growth. No, find someone acting mean and ‘out’ them for the assholes that they are.

It’s easy, it feels like justice. But is it? Or is it just punishment? Where is there room for restoration or apology? Even apologies are attacked. No response is worthy. No room for forgiveness. No response to help remove the loneliness and isolation, and so the misguided and disconnected are thrown further into isolation.

How we treat lonely, misguided, unhappy, and alone individuals who are using the internet as a soap box to magnify that they are hurting, this will determine their response. If we become vigilantes it might feel good to us, but then we are only magnifying the problem. We are creating greater isolation and more angry responses. We are feeding the hurt and magnifying the negative response. We are making them feel more alone.

We need to find a different approach. We need to find ways to connect, and to provide a space for learning. We need to find ways to be intolerant to spreading hate, yet still find a place to be kind and supportive.

Like the song lyrics suggest, ‘sharing a drink called loneliness is better than drinking alone’. And if we aren’t sharing that drink, less desirable role models will.

Assuming the worst

It’s reactive rather than thoughtful. It amazes me how many issues today are immediately an 11 on a scale of 1-10. Let’s just bypass the normal scale and make the issue beyond the norm.

There is no room for ‘ooops’. There is no opportunity to reduce the conflict or issue, it’s just a direct inflation to anger and upset. Retribution trumps resolution. The disagreement itself is an offence and the only solution is complete surrender, full admittance of wrongdoing, no opportunity for negotiation or mutual understanding.

People don’t interact with other people perfectly. Communication is an imperfect art. But interactions get worse when the worst interpretations are assumed. When there is an immediate high voltage response to an issue, the conversation continues to stay charged longer than it needs to. Sparks fly, and no one comes out un-singed.

It’s reactive rather than thoughtful. It is a jump to the worst conclusions. And it leads to no one coming out unscathed, unhurt, or even feeling like the resolution was rewarding.

How much could this change if we believed everyone was doing the best they could? If we chose to assume the best? If we started from a place of compassion rather than getting ramped up? If this is where we started I think, I know, a lot of situations would escalate to a 3/10, and never get to an 11/10.

Wouldn’t that be a better place to start?

These go to 11

In the satirical mockumentary This is Spinal Tap there is a hilarious scene where the guitarist explains that their very special amps are louder and better because unlike all other amps that have a maximum setting of 10, these go to 11.

While I find this funny, I have noticed a troubling trend recently where issues that are minor in concern are elevated beyond what they should be. In other words, a problem that should be a 3/10 or even 5/10 concern gets addressed as if it’s an 11/10.

This is most obvious on social media. In the past few months I’ve seen silly issues like getting the wrong order at a fast food restaurant, or a dispute over a parking space, or neighbours not being neighbourly, all leading to confrontations that far exceed what should have been appropriate for the level of concern. Now, I recognize that in some cases the concerns are legitimate and deserving of escalating, for example if the issue is related to hate crimes, racism, or bigotry, so strictly speaking, I’m talking about minor issues that get exaggerated into issues far bigger than necessary.

This is something I’ve noticed which has significantly increased since the pandemic. The ramifications are that every little issue or concern becomes a big concern. This is harmful in a couple ways. First of all, the stress of making things bigger than they are is hard on everyone… especially for the person that made the mistake who might want to make things better. This is almost impossible online where people are relentlessly attacked for their mistake. A small issue becomes a mountain of concern that can’t be traversed. It could include personal attacks, such as death threats, which are far worse than the original transgression.

Secondly, when the response is the same whether it’s a person making a bad decision on their worst day or a bigoted jerk intentionally being hurtful, the idea that both of these are attacked with equal vitriol waters down the response to the truly awful act. Vigilante justice handed out without discrimination makes the response more about harming than helping the situation.

Not every issue is an 11/10. When issues are that concerning, they deserve being handled as such. But in many, many cases a small issue deserves a small response, and escalating the issue as if it’s far bigger than it is only makes the whole situation worse. Worse not just for the transgressor, but for the person who feels harmed. We need nuance when dealing with concerns. We also need to consider the impact of negative responses.

Here are two examples:

1. A well known Tiktok food critic disagrees with another food critic and while he does this respectfully, his (so called) fans proceed to attack the other food critic with negative comments and also give the restaurant hundreds of negative reviews, even though they never visited the place themselves.

2. A teacher tried to do a do a culturally based art project and a parent didn’t find it appropriate. The parent reacts on social media and the post goes viral with millions of views. The next day the parent addresses the concerns with the teacher, who was not only apologetic, but as the parent suggests in a follow up video, the teacher was gracious, thoughtful, and open for feedback. However this update did not go viral and only a few thousand people watched it, unlike millions who saw the upset rant.

It’s one thing when these negative responses are online, and still another when they are in person. Everything doesn’t need to be an 11/10. Save those for the kinds of things that deserve a serious response. And, address smaller issues in less public ways with more opportunity for an appropriate response that isn’t elevated and likely to cause harm as much as bring about a solution.

A 3/10 issue isn’t going to be resolved because it’s treated like an 11/10, and is far more likely to have negative consequences if it is elevated to that level.

_________________________________

Somewhat Related: Last May I wrote a post about how when asking someone to rank something on a scale of 1-10, tell them, “You can’t pick 7“.

Aware of blame

Today I was driving and I missed a light because the person in front of me was too slow to follow traffic speed. I yelled a profanity or two as I watched the yellow light turn red and the car before me finally crossed the line into the intersection. 6-7 minutes later, and one light from my turn-off the car in front of me was driving the speed of molasses on a cold day, and while cars in the left lane sped through the light, I was left yelling profanities yet again, while me and the slow poke in front of me slowed and stopped in our lane… while the light hadn’t quite switched to red from yellow yet.

It took this second over-the-top-loud-yelling-in-a-car-just-to-myself swearing of profanities to make me realize that I wasn’t that upset at the other drivers. No, I have been suffering back pain for two solid weeks and this is what was really getting to me.

It wasn’t bad driving, it was a bad back. Neither traffic event warranted my overreaction. Both were minor inconveniences rather than major affronts to common sense or to me personally.

It makes me wonder:

How often do we discount how much our mood can affect our reaction to events?

In this case I made a proverbial mountain out of a couple mole hills. And recognizing where the blame lay allowed me to rebalance myself so that I didn’t continue doing this for the rest of the day.

Holding on unnecessarily

Sometimes it’s hard to let go.

Someone asks you about your day, and the first thing that goes through your mind is the thing that bothered you most.

“How was your meal?” It was really good, but…

An inconsiderate driver doesn’t let you merge and you are agitated for the next 20 minutes.

It takes practice letting go of negative thoughts. We hold on to unhelpful experiences unnecessarily. We almost cherish them. ‘Look at me. Look at how I’ve had to struggle. See what I have to put up with. Recognize my hardship.’

The real hardship is self-inflicted.

It’s not what happened to you, it’s what you hold onto. It’s also what you let go of.

What was the best part of your day? What was your favourite part of the meal? Boy, I’m glad I’m not that guy that didn’t let me merge, poor guy probably isn’t living his best life… I’m grateful that most people I deal with aren’t like him.

When you are used to holding on to the hard parts of life it takes a bit of mental gymnastics to transform your way of thinking to a more positive outlook. Accept a compliment, don’t downplay it. Find someone to thank. Choose to let go of the frustrating part of the day that you want to bring up and relive, and instead remember a shared laugh, a kindness, a success.

It’s not what happened to you, it’s what you hold onto. It’s also what you let go of.

Reducing Complaints

I heard this on the Daily Jay, with Jay Shetty, on the Calm app this morning:

“Complaining is like chewing the same bite of food long after it has lost its taste. You’re just expending energy, for no positive purpose.”

Have you ever noticed that complaints live in your head far longer than you spend sharing them?

There is the initial thought that brews in your mind, percolating and flooding your mind with frustration. Then the complaint pours out of you, and you want to share every detail, fill other people’s cup with your bitter tasting brew. Then it chills down in your brain, but not immediately, it takes a while for the steam to be released, and your thoughts remain on your cup full of objection and protest.

“I can’t believe what she said.”

“The nerve of him thinking he could get away with doing that.”

“The worst service I’ve ever dealt with.”

The moment is gone, but the complaint lingers. With an opportunity to share it again later, the full emotional turmoil reruns.

“That was so upsetting!”

It was upsetting, or it is upsetting? Did it happen again? The verbal complaint makes it feels so.

What is it that the person who upset you the most deserves? Do they deserve your future attention, energy, and time complaining? Do you deserve to relive and retell, and expend time and energy on them?

If you’ve truly been wronged, do something about it and feel good about standing up for yourself. But if you’ve been annoyed and the moment is gone, let it be gone, because ‘I could have…’ or ‘I should have…’ didn’t happen, and complaints are nothing but wasted energy brewing in your mind, and also in the minds of those you complain to. And neither you nor they need to spend time sipping that bitter brew.

Everything is an 11

I don’t know what has changed but it seems that whatever the concern is that people have, on a scale of 1-10 that concern becomes an 11. Anything bigger than a 6 out of 10 just skips on by 7-10… if it’s more than a 6 it’s an 11.

No nuance, no compromise, no quarter.

Miscommunication? No they lied to me!

Apology? Not enough, I want retribution!

Compromise? No, full concession!

‘Why aren’t you following up on this right now, can’t you see that this is the most important thing in the world? This… This is an 11/10.’

I’m not saying it isn’t important, but I am saying that escalating concerns like this doesn’t often get the result people want. Animosity doesn’t enhance cooperation. Anger doesn’t promote resolution.

I’m reminded of the saying, “When you have one eye fixed on the destination, you only have one eye with which to find the way.”

Further to this, I think that when things escalate to 11, the chance of reaching that destination that was the original goal moves farther away. Reactionary, angry, point-for-point volleying of minutiae doesn’t allow for solutions to be found.

I have two friends that I’ve known for decades. One of them is always having to deal with incompetence around her. It’s unbelievable how much the people around her screw up. And if you ask her how her day is going, the idiot that screwed up is what she’ll tell you about.

I have another friend who always has things go her way. She’ll have an issue with something not going well and the first thing she’ll say is, “I’m sorry, I’m really trying my best not to be a Karen, but this doesn’t seem right.” She’ll specifically say things like, “I don’t need you to fix this for me, I just thought you should know.” And she gets thank you’s in the form of gift cards, free food, upgrades, etc.

For the first friend, everything is an 11, and she has to deal with 11’s all the time. For the second friend nothing is over a 7, and by the time things are done, they are actually a 2, or not even an issue anymore.

Maybe, just maybe, short of losing life or limb, nothing is an 11… And if you believe that, maybe, just maybe, you will find that life is a little easier, and happier, when you don’t ramp things up so much.

What’s the end goal? How can you get there in a way that makes you and the other person feel good about the outcome? I doubt you can do that while you are at an 11.

Revenge of the herd

I’ve been noticing a new trend on social media. Some ‘Karen’ acts out and does something inappropriate on video. That video goes viral. Someone with a large following asks their audience to identify the person, or they dig into what the ‘Karen’ thinks is an anonymous profile they posted on, and their real identity is discovered. Then the viral video or mean/racist/rude comment is shared with their boss or the company they work for, and the person is fired. Then the person that did this gloats, often going viral with the news of the person losing their job.

There is no doubt that some of these people deserve this. If you are choosing, in this day and age, to be blatantly racist, or to ridicule someone handicapped or less fortunate than you… and you work representing a company who does not (and should not) share the same lack of values… well then that company should be able to say they no longer wish to have you work for/represent them.

That’s the power of living in a connected world. When enough people are involved in looking for you, you can’t be anonymous on the internet. Act poorly in public, and that behaviour can be traced back to you, even if you don’t share your name or any other personal information.

Some behaviour is truly deserving of this. For example, someone spewing racial slurs, or physically abusing a store employee for getting an order wrong. However this trend concerns me a bit. It is about revenge rather than restitution. Where is the line? If a person says something in anger should their entire livelihood be destroyed? How bad does the transgression need to be? Who decides?

When it comes to issues like this, I’m not sure the herd mentality is always appropriate? When does the herd become a mob? At what point does a bad decision equate to someone being a bad person? And again, who decides?

Are many of these people deserving of the consequences? Probably. Maybe not all of them though. Furthermore, I don’t think this kind of retribution necessarily changes attitudes and behaviours.

The trend often ends with the line, “Enjoy the day you deserve.” But the aftermath of losing a job, and trying to support a family, and social ridicule, and embarrassment seems like it could be worse than a short term prison sentence. How big a transgression should it be to go through this? Again, I think some people act in a truly reprehensible way and deserve to have consequences, but I worry that some people will suffer far more than they deserve. When this happens the point seems to be more about inflicting suffering rather than creating an opportunity for forgiveness and restitution. I don’t want to live in a world where revenge is the first form of conflict resolution.

Stop pig wrestling

Like my Papa used to say, “Never wrestle a pig, you both get dirty but the big likes it.”

I’ve shared that quote before and also said, ‘Bad ideas get unwarranted publicity when the battles get messy… and the weak-minded get fuel to oppose good ideas when those with the good ideas act in bad faith. You do not have to ‘turn the other cheek’ but you do have to act in a way that is decent and good, if you want to fight for things that are decent and good.‘

Recently, across many social media platforms, I’ve seen people using the strategy of sharing hurtful, mean, and ignorant comments from internet trolls, and doing one of two things: 1. Calling out the person for being mean (or essentially saying ‘ouch’ or ‘look at this idiot’). Or, 2. Sharing it to launch an attack.

While I get why, and understand that sharing like this can garner sympathy, or feel like a way to vindicate yourself, or attack the attacker… this is a bad idea! It’s pig wrestling.

These people aren’t worth your time. They don’t deserve you, or those who follow you on these platforms, as an audience. Don’t surrender your time and energy to them. They. Aren’t. Worth. It!

Delete the comment, block the idiot.

Let me say that again: You get a rude/mean/nasty comment on a social media post, so what do you do?

1. DELETE 2. BLOCK.

… and move on. They don’t deserve your time; they don’t deserve your attention; they don’t deserve your mental energy. So why give it to them? Why allow them more time in your thoughts than they deserve?

They are pigs. Don’t let them get you dirty just because they like to get dirty. And hey, I get that it’s hard to turn the other cheek sometimes, and if they threaten you in some way, then sure, take it seriously. But most internet trolls are playing a game, they are purposefully trying to engage and enrage you. To steal your time and attention, and to hurt your feelings. The act of mud wrestling with these losers helps them win.

You want to strike back at these mean people making mean comments? Diffuse their energy by not giving them any of yours: Delete. Block. And move on to spend time and energy on people that are better than them.

——–

Addendum: I’m not suggesting you delete and block people just because they disagree with you, this is only about comments with malice intent. We don’t learn from them but we can learn from people who disagree with us.

——–

I wrote this a decade ago:

I remember watching The Razor’s Edge years ago. Bill Murray plays Larry Darrell a taxi driver ‘in search of himself’ who at one point serves as an ambulance driver in World War II. His partner/co-attendant Piedmont is a sour man that is bitter and unpleasant.

If memory serves me correctly there are also two wonderfully optimistic, volunteer, British ambulance drivers that work with Larry and Piedmont. In a scene, these two happy-go-lucky ambulance attendants have engine trouble as they attempt to bring injured soldiers to safety while under fire. Stalled, the Brits attempt to repair their ambulance while enemy fire pinpoints their stationary location. Bombs get closer and closer until they blow up the ambulance, killing these two men. Larry is distraught and the bitter Piedmont says a few kind words about how nice these two were and then says, to Larry’s disgust, “They will be forgotten.”

Later, Piedmont is killed (I don’t remember how), and in a monologue Larry talks of this unruly, unkind and cantankerous man and then says, “He will be remembered.”

I was still a teenager when I saw this movie but it has a powerful lasting affect on me. I realized then and there that we tend to pay far more attention to people and things that are negative and annoy us than on the things we should be happy and appreciative about. I’d like to think that this is learned and not human nature. We don’t have to focus on the negative, and we are better people when we don’t.