Category Archives: Daily-Ink

In whose eyes?

The term ‘firm but fair’ has two components. First, it suggests that if a child or a student, (in the case of a parent or an educator), is not acting appropriately, then a firm consequence is put in place. The second part is that the consequence is fair. This means that the consequence is fitting, rather than either soft or overly harsh, and it also means there is consistency in what the consequences look like for similar instances.

The often overlooked aspect of this is that fairness needs to be measured by the person who is receiving the consequence. It should be ‘firm but fair’ in their eyes. If you think you are being fair but the person dealing with the consequence does not, then that mismatch will undermine the value of the consequence, and likely not deter the kind of behaviour you are hoping to reduce.

For a parent, this can often be an issue where anger levels can undermine consistency, where the consequence is unfairly harsher because your kid was driving you crazy for an hour before the issue came up, compared to a less harsh consequence just because you are in a good mood. For an educator, this issue can often come up when consequences are not consistent between different students for similar issues.

An important concept to remember is that if you are wanting to be fair, fairness needs to be perceived by everyone involved. In whose eyes are you being firm but fair?

Eating Alone

Every now and then I used to enjoy eating out on my own. I would be alone with my thoughts. Now I’m not alone even when I’m eating by myself. My phone connects me to others, to work, to news, and to entertainment.

Now it seems that I’m always connected to others. Alway ‘on’. The next time I eat out alone, my phone is staying in my pocket.

What alone time has your phone robbed you of? What did you used to do alone that you no longer allow yourself to do alone anymore?

Breakfast with a friend

“Come gather around people, wherever you roam
And admit that the waters around you have grown
And accept it that soon you’ll be drenched to the bone
If your time to you is worth savin’
Then you better start swimmin’ or you’ll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin’ ~ Bob Dylan

We sat at a booth chatting, breakfast done, bill paid. We had already turned down more coffee and the waitress was kind enough to fill our water glasses. The restaurant wasn’t full, we weren’t filling a potentially needed booth, and so the waitress didn’t mind that we were still there over 30 minutes after our meal was done.

We were reminiscing about our childhood, and how people would come for a visit and stay for dinner. In my family there were 4 kids so we made a family of 6, but my mother never cooked for less than 10. Someone’s friend (or 2), an aunt, granny, a cousin, even a neighbour might be joining us. If it was just the 6 of us, we had leftovers.

This doesn’t happen much anymore. Having friends over means a half-day of getting the house ready, and a half day of preparing food. Meeting for coffee? How’s next week Thursday? Breakfast? Pick one of these two Sundays. Dinner with a group of friends? We better use that appointment App to find a day that works for all of us.

Or maybe we just chat on the phone. Maybe we text. Comment on Facebook. Like a friend’s tweet… smiley face emoji:)

Gatherings used to be impromptu, spontaneous, and they extended past expected times. “See you soon,” not “See you later,” as in weeks or months later.

Things have changed.

I’m going to try to bring the old ways back a bit. I’m tracking my social connections this year. A dinner and a breakfast last week, a morning coffee and a minor league hockey game this weekend… A walk with my wife, dinner out with my daughter… I’m going to see if intentionally keeping track will inspire me to connect face-to-face more frequently with the people that are geographically available. That doesn’t diminish the opportunities to connect with people who I can’t always see. For those, we have spaces like this.

Kind eyes

I was having Pho (Vietnamese soup) with my daughter at a restaurant and I looked over at a table behind her. The closest man facing me was being served by the waitress and I noticed that his eyes looked so very kind as he smiled. I told my daughter to turn around and take a look at him and tell me what his eyes said to her, and she too chose the adjective ‘kind’.

My daughter then said, “I wish we lived in a world where we could tell people things like that, like just walk up to a stranger and say, ‘you have amazing hair’, without being creepy.”

And sure enough, I could not think of a way to tell this man, ‘Excuse me, I was sitting across from you and just wanted to say that you have the kindest eyes,’ in a way that wouldn’t just as equally creep him out as much as it would be taken as a compliment. The comment stayed unsaid. In fact, I’d completely forgot about it until after we left the restaurant.

I think it’s a bit sad that compliments like that are not socially accepted. Compliments don’t need to have an agenda. At the same time I can see how certain compliments can cross a line, ‘kind eyes’ is fine, but a ‘pretty nose’ might be weird. Still, my daughter got me thinking about this. If nothing else, we should at least take the time to notice the kindness in others, even if we are just projecting that kindness on them.

…And the next time you smile at someone, remember to start that smile with your eyes.

The Eternal Pot

In Barbados there is a meal called Pepper Pot, also known as The Eternal Pot or The Poor Man’s Pot. It’s a dark broth with oxtail as the primary ingredient, and it is delicious! Many a day I would sit dipping soft bread into a bowl, soaking up every drop and finishing up with only the oxtail bones in the wiped-clean bowl.

Pepper Pot would be made in a massive pot that would sit for days on the the stove. It was known as the eternal pot because it stayed fresh as long as you brought it to a boil once a day. No need for refrigeration. For this reason it was also the poor man’s pot because it could sit in the stove continually being added to, as a poor family put what they had available in it. A lean broth for many days, and then meat added on payday.

For us, the first day it was cooked, pepper pot was for dinner. After that it would be an always available snack, a Saturday brunch, a late-night binge. It was a magical pot that seemed to last forever…

This reminds me of good friendships. Eternal in its ability to always be there. We gather with friends for a meal, connect for a while, things fade, but you know you can always spice things up when you have the energy to do so. Then you lose touch, but that’s ok, things will be back to full strength the next time you connect. It’s not a perfect metaphor, but it works on certain levels.

I’ve gathered with a few good friends this break, shorter and longer visits, a few meals, all rich experiences… I’ve added stock and meat to the eternal pot, helping the friendships grow. We just need to remember to heat things up once in a while… to keep things fresh.

Remember to stop and break bread with your eternal friends.

7 Sins, Part 7 – Sloth

Sloth is procrastination without the pressure of a looming deadline. It is void of inspiration. It leaves us wanting less, doing less, accomplishing less.We all feel reluctance and laziness at points in our lives, resistance to things we know we must do.

Sloth is our enemy masked as a friend. It sits there exuding complacency, comfort in lethargy, inviting us to join it on the couch, in front of the television. Sloth tells us the 5th hour of a Netflix series binge is entertainment we deserve. It convinces us that the gym can wait until tomorrow. It comforts us as we scroll, aimlessly lurking on social media. It permits us to tidy up and clean up another day… soon, or maybe just later, yes, later sounds much better than soon.

Sloth is an ailment that convinces you there is no cure. It convinces you that there is no ailment. You are fine just the way you are. Sloth clears your agenda, and gives you less new information and less new experiences to stimulate your mind, making nothing something comfortable to do. In this way, sloth perpetuates itself. It is a sickness that blind you to itself, dulling your experiences and numbing your thoughts of new and different opportunities.

The remedy to sloth is action, no matter how small it may seem. It is turning off the TV, putting down your phone, getting off the couch and going for a walk. It is raising your head and looking around, calling a friend, or getting 15 min of exercise. The wonderful thing about the remedy to sloth is that action invites more action. Just as sloth perpetuates itself, so does the cure. Once we have momentum, it is easy to recognize that the best time to start something new is now!

7 Sins Series

  1. Gluttony
  2. Envy
  3. Pride
  4. Lust
  5. Wrath
  6. Greed
  7. Sloth

7 Sins, Part 6 – Greed

Greed is the selfish desire for more. The desire for more can overwhelm and overpower the original desire. Greed can be blinding and all-consuming. Baboons can be captured by making a small hole in an ant hill and placing seeds within it. The baboon will grab the seeds making its first too big to pull out of the hole, but the baboon won’t let go of the food to allow escape. This is a good example of how greed can be blinding.

We live in a greedy society. ‘More’ is sold as better. ‘More’ is more satisfying. ‘More’ will make you happier. A bigger plate, a second item at half the price, a free gift with purchase, a second helping… more will satiate you with more power, more wealth, and more material things.

The band The Flying Lizards have a song titled Money, in which the main verse says, “The best things in life are free, but I want money.” This materialistic desire is easy to buy into, and ‘the best things’ can be seen as only those things money, power, and fame can provide. But at what cost?

Greed does not get satiated. It does not have a happy ending. Greed will always leave you wanting more. It is selfish and unfulfilling. It is empty of satisfaction and undermines happiness. Greed will always leave you wanting more…

7 Sins Series

  1. Gluttony
  2. Envy
  3. Pride
  4. Lust
  5. Wrath
  6. Greed
  7. Sloth

7 Sins, Part 5 – Wrath

There is a distinct line between justice and vengeance. You wouldn’t learn this from watching movies. Moviemakers love to romanticize the idea of vengeance and wrath. Anger permits an eye-for-an-eye retaliation and wrath is accepted as a just and fair response to an injustice. But in real life does wrath provide solace and resolution?

Doesn’t anger beget anger? Doesn’t wrath produce wrath? How do we respond to hurtful people? This is not easy to answer.

I see much anger and wrath these days being pointed towards ignorance and ignorant people.

“You should know better.”

“What’s the matter with you?”

“You are a condescending jackass.”

And I also see far worse behaviour and wrath from ignorant people. Racism and intolerance is worse when coupled with wrath.

“You people are so… ”

“Your culture is so rude.”

“Why don’t you just go back home.”

I understand the nuance of how these examples differ, how the first examples can seem justifiable while the latter example seem inexcusable. My examples do not seem to be comparable, not deserving of equal footing. They are indeed not equal but my point is simply that wrath, no matter where it comes from, does not move us forward in a positive way.

Wrath is ugly. Responses can bring rage and retaliation or they can foster resolution. Wrath and anger do not solve problems. Wrath and vengeance does not bring peace. Wrath and vindictive behaviour does not inspire civility and neighbourly love.

When we are seething and seeing red, we can lash out in ways that are unbecoming of us. Wrath does not elicit resourcefulness. It does not inspire qualities we want to share, or that we want shared with us. Wrath is not a response we want, even to wrath itself.

Wrath can be fed, or wrath can be diffused. The power we have lies in our ability to respond in civil ways, that invite conversation and understanding rather than anger. However angry responses to wrath are easy, and compassion and forgiveness take effort. The effort is worth it if you do not want the wrath outside you to become wrath within you.

7 Sins Series

  1. Gluttony
  2. Envy
  3. Pride
  4. Lust
  5. Wrath
  6. Greed
  7. Sloth
The best time is now quote

Just Do It!

It’s really easy to say the words, ‘just do it’. But I bet that sometimes you feel more like this…

…than you feel inspired to get things done. Meanwhile, getting things done can be a powerful motivator, a self-rewarding accomplishment, that helps you get more things done. On this first day of the new year resolutions are made as people aspire to make positive changes for the new year. Some will stick, others won’t. Here is a great video to help you think about making good resolutions:

It’s 3am as I write this on New Year’s Day, having done my parental duties driving kids home, and I’m still thinking about my sticker goals for this year. I’m cautious not to make my new goals overly ambitious, while also wanting to up the ante on my 2019 goals that are now routine. For example, I might still give myself a blue sticker on my calendar for every day that I do my 10 min. guided meditation, and maybe a second sticker if I do 10 more minutes unguided.

But that’s enough about me. What about you? What is a goal that you have related to your family, your fitness, your friendship, or your work, that you want to achieve?

The 5 Key Tips that I shared might help you… but ultimately it is up to you. ‘Just Do It’ is an awesome slogan, what can you do to make it work not just for Nike, but for you as well?

The best time to start something new is now!

Resilience #OneWord2020

If I were to pick 2 words for 2020, I might pick “Growth Mindset”, but if I’m only choosing a single word, it would be:

Resilience

The world needs this word right now. Here are some specific places I see a need to pay attention to this #OneWord in 2020.

In Schools:

Student anxiety seems to be on the rise, and anxiety lowers resilience and the willingness to try new things. Words seem to ‘injure’ students in ways that victimize them rather than make them stronger. This is not to say that students should tolerate bullying or inappropriate language or slander, rather they should speak up, defend themselves, and report poor behaviour. Instead it seems that they feel wounded and do not act. This is a sensitive topic, but one where I’ve seen a greater awareness of adults who want to support students and at the same time I see students allowing words to hurt them deeply, giving too much power to the transgressor.

In Politics:

I said this in Ideas on a Spectrum, “In a civil society, dialogue is the one problem-solving strategy that should be sacred. To do this, free speech is essential. But right now there is a culture of ‘attack the opposition’ that is very scary.“ – We need to be resilient when hearing opposing views, and understand that, “…we must be tolerant and accepting of opposing views, unaccepting of hateful and hurtful acts, and smart enough to understand the difference.” When we can’t have conversations with people that have different political views, we don’t grow as a culture or as a society.

In Online Spaces:

People will make mistakes online. They will say things that are unintentionally hurtful, or blindly offensive. This is different than someone being intentionally biased and rude. If the slander is intentional, it should be reported. If it is unintentional, even to the point of ignorance, we need to be more resilient about what our responses are. When every transgression is treated with an attack, the most severe/bigoted/rude/biased transgressions are not given the heightened alarm that they deserve. With lesser errors and mistakes, we need to let people have a venue to recognize their errors and invite conversation rather than damnation.

Growing up, I heard the playground retort to taunts, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never harm me.” We are past the era of letting nasty people say whatever nasty things they want, and just turning the other cheek to pretend we are not hurt. This is a good thing. We want to live in a world where that behaviour is not acceptable. But it does not serve us well to treat the attacker like they can not repent or be sorry. It does not serve us to let the words said hurt us too deeply. By being resilient we can speak up, clarify our perspective, and engage in conversations that help us feel empowered rather than victimized.

Resilience allows us to be strong, flexible, and engaged in a society that is the kind of society we want to live and thrive in.