Monthly Archives: January 2020

Fed up with the news

I don’t watch the news, don’t listen to the radio, but I want to know what’s happening in the world. So I do two things on my phone, first I have the news App and Flipgrid set up on my phone… swipe right from my home screen and there are the headlines. Then there is always the search feature on the Twitter App with the news column.

I don’t spend a lot of time going past the headlines, but I do look a little deeper when major events happen. I also admit to metaphorically slowing down to see the accident at the side of the road, when a certain political leader tweets something outrageous, but the line between news and entertainment blurs here. It would be fully laughable if it wasn’t so unsettling.

This news-through-headlines (and trending hashtags) approach keeps me away from the painful aspects of the news that I’m fed up with, such as:

1. Headlines that belong in Tabloids such as, “This Facebook Post Almost Broke The Internet.” Or: “12 Products You Can’t Live Without.”

2. An overemphasis on Hollywood stars, musicians, and royalty.

3. An embarrassingly morbid focus on the macabre: Shootings, tragedies, and death.

But even this approach doesn’t allow me from escaping the idiocy of the news as described in this tweet:

It doesn’t stop the glorification of horrible people.

It doesn’t prevent me from seeing an onslaught of negative headlines about tragedies around the world.

Yes, some tragedies are relevant to the world, and a few need to make the headlines. But it’s time for news outlets to think of the turmoil and upset they leave behind when they use a ‘If it bleeds, it leads’ attitude. It’s time for news outlets to stop creating click bait titles. It’s time for news outlets to realize the influence they have, and to be more concerned with their influence, and less concerned about getting our attention at any cost.

In the mean time, I’ll try to do my part and avoid clicking on links that I think undermine valuable news sharing for the sake of one more view of advertising on a web page.

The paradox of increasing effort

If your motivation is low, and you are not accomplishing what you need to do, then more effort would probably improve productivity.

If you aren’t trying very hard, then increasing your effort can make things better. There are definitely times when we can put more effort in and work harder.

But more effort does not always mean better:

  • Athletes pushing themselves to their maximum could actually increase their speed by relaxing, rather than pushing even harder and tensing up.
  • Someone trying to meditate will not improve their mental state by working harder to relax.
  • Concentration can be derailed by more effort to concentrate.

If effort is low, increasing effort has great value. If effort is high, there is a diminishing return in adding more effort. And at a certain point greater effort can be detrimental. Sometimes ‘try harder’ should be rephrased to ‘try smarter’. We don’t always need more effort, we need the wisdom to know that effort alone has limits.

It is interesting that when someone is exceptionally good at a skill, they make that skill look effortless. I think this happens only after they have discovered that the work and effort has already been put into training, and maximum effort is no longer needed.

The land of giants

I remember a comic strip where a son and father in winter coats were in front of a house with big icicles on it.

Frame 1: The boy says, “Wow dad, look at the size of those icicles!”

Frame 2: The dad says, “They were a lot bigger when I was a kid.” And the kid responds, “Come down here”.

Frame 3: The dad is kneeling down, eye level with the kid, and the dad says, “Wow, look at the size of those icicles!”

– – –

It’s not always easy to see things from the same perspective as we did when we were younger. For me, I remember people around me being giants (in more ways than one).

My grandfather, Leon Bernstein or ‘Papa B’, was one of those giants. Last night on Facebook Messenger, I connected with my 2nd cousin Lee, his full name is Leon, named after my grandfather. He is my grandmother’s brother’s son, but Lee is only 4 years older than me. Still, growing up in Barbados as the oldest grandchild on one side and second oldest by 5 days on the other, Lee was so much bigger and older, and I looked up to him when we came to visit.

I feel blessed because when I was a kid, all the giants in my life were good to me. Wonderful parents, grandparents that spoiled me, aunts and uncles who treated my like their own, 2nd cousins who taught me football (soccer) and cricket.

Some people have to grow up with angry giants, and some with monsters, my land of giants were exceptionally loving and kind. I truly feel blessed, and I thank Lee for reminding me of this.

In whose eyes?

The term ‘firm but fair’ has two components. First, it suggests that if a child or a student, (in the case of a parent or an educator), is not acting appropriately, then a firm consequence is put in place. The second part is that the consequence is fair. This means that the consequence is fitting, rather than either soft or overly harsh, and it also means there is consistency in what the consequences look like for similar instances.

The often overlooked aspect of this is that fairness needs to be measured by the person who is receiving the consequence. It should be ‘firm but fair’ in their eyes. If you think you are being fair but the person dealing with the consequence does not, then that mismatch will undermine the value of the consequence, and likely not deter the kind of behaviour you are hoping to reduce.

For a parent, this can often be an issue where anger levels can undermine consistency, where the consequence is unfairly harsher because your kid was driving you crazy for an hour before the issue came up, compared to a less harsh consequence just because you are in a good mood. For an educator, this issue can often come up when consequences are not consistent between different students for similar issues.

An important concept to remember is that if you are wanting to be fair, fairness needs to be perceived by everyone involved. In whose eyes are you being firm but fair?

Eating Alone

Every now and then I used to enjoy eating out on my own. I would be alone with my thoughts. Now I’m not alone even when I’m eating by myself. My phone connects me to others, to work, to news, and to entertainment.

Now it seems that I’m always connected to others. Alway ‘on’. The next time I eat out alone, my phone is staying in my pocket.

What alone time has your phone robbed you of? What did you used to do alone that you no longer allow yourself to do alone anymore?

Breakfast with a friend

“Come gather around people, wherever you roam
And admit that the waters around you have grown
And accept it that soon you’ll be drenched to the bone
If your time to you is worth savin’
Then you better start swimmin’ or you’ll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin’ ~ Bob Dylan

We sat at a booth chatting, breakfast done, bill paid. We had already turned down more coffee and the waitress was kind enough to fill our water glasses. The restaurant wasn’t full, we weren’t filling a potentially needed booth, and so the waitress didn’t mind that we were still there over 30 minutes after our meal was done.

We were reminiscing about our childhood, and how people would come for a visit and stay for dinner. In my family there were 4 kids so we made a family of 6, but my mother never cooked for less than 10. Someone’s friend (or 2), an aunt, granny, a cousin, even a neighbour might be joining us. If it was just the 6 of us, we had leftovers.

This doesn’t happen much anymore. Having friends over means a half-day of getting the house ready, and a half day of preparing food. Meeting for coffee? How’s next week Thursday? Breakfast? Pick one of these two Sundays. Dinner with a group of friends? We better use that appointment App to find a day that works for all of us.

Or maybe we just chat on the phone. Maybe we text. Comment on Facebook. Like a friend’s tweet… smiley face emoji:)

Gatherings used to be impromptu, spontaneous, and they extended past expected times. “See you soon,” not “See you later,” as in weeks or months later.

Things have changed.

I’m going to try to bring the old ways back a bit. I’m tracking my social connections this year. A dinner and a breakfast last week, a morning coffee and a minor league hockey game this weekend… A walk with my wife, dinner out with my daughter… I’m going to see if intentionally keeping track will inspire me to connect face-to-face more frequently with the people that are geographically available. That doesn’t diminish the opportunities to connect with people who I can’t always see. For those, we have spaces like this.

Kind eyes

I was having Pho (Vietnamese soup) with my daughter at a restaurant and I looked over at a table behind her. The closest man facing me was being served by the waitress and I noticed that his eyes looked so very kind as he smiled. I told my daughter to turn around and take a look at him and tell me what his eyes said to her, and she too chose the adjective ‘kind’.

My daughter then said, “I wish we lived in a world where we could tell people things like that, like just walk up to a stranger and say, ‘you have amazing hair’, without being creepy.”

And sure enough, I could not think of a way to tell this man, ‘Excuse me, I was sitting across from you and just wanted to say that you have the kindest eyes,’ in a way that wouldn’t just as equally creep him out as much as it would be taken as a compliment. The comment stayed unsaid. In fact, I’d completely forgot about it until after we left the restaurant.

I think it’s a bit sad that compliments like that are not socially accepted. Compliments don’t need to have an agenda. At the same time I can see how certain compliments can cross a line, ‘kind eyes’ is fine, but a ‘pretty nose’ might be weird. Still, my daughter got me thinking about this. If nothing else, we should at least take the time to notice the kindness in others, even if we are just projecting that kindness on them.

…And the next time you smile at someone, remember to start that smile with your eyes.

The Eternal Pot

In Barbados there is a meal called Pepper Pot, also known as The Eternal Pot or The Poor Man’s Pot. It’s a dark broth with oxtail as the primary ingredient, and it is delicious! Many a day I would sit dipping soft bread into a bowl, soaking up every drop and finishing up with only the oxtail bones in the wiped-clean bowl.

Pepper Pot would be made in a massive pot that would sit for days on the the stove. It was known as the eternal pot because it stayed fresh as long as you brought it to a boil once a day. No need for refrigeration. For this reason it was also the poor man’s pot because it could sit in the stove continually being added to, as a poor family put what they had available in it. A lean broth for many days, and then meat added on payday.

For us, the first day it was cooked, pepper pot was for dinner. After that it would be an always available snack, a Saturday brunch, a late-night binge. It was a magical pot that seemed to last forever…

This reminds me of good friendships. Eternal in its ability to always be there. We gather with friends for a meal, connect for a while, things fade, but you know you can always spice things up when you have the energy to do so. Then you lose touch, but that’s ok, things will be back to full strength the next time you connect. It’s not a perfect metaphor, but it works on certain levels.

I’ve gathered with a few good friends this break, shorter and longer visits, a few meals, all rich experiences… I’ve added stock and meat to the eternal pot, helping the friendships grow. We just need to remember to heat things up once in a while… to keep things fresh.

Remember to stop and break bread with your eternal friends.

7 Sins, Part 7 – Sloth

Sloth is procrastination without the pressure of a looming deadline. It is void of inspiration. It leaves us wanting less, doing less, accomplishing less.We all feel reluctance and laziness at points in our lives, resistance to things we know we must do.

Sloth is our enemy masked as a friend. It sits there exuding complacency, comfort in lethargy, inviting us to join it on the couch, in front of the television. Sloth tells us the 5th hour of a Netflix series binge is entertainment we deserve. It convinces us that the gym can wait until tomorrow. It comforts us as we scroll, aimlessly lurking on social media. It permits us to tidy up and clean up another day… soon, or maybe just later, yes, later sounds much better than soon.

Sloth is an ailment that convinces you there is no cure. It convinces you that there is no ailment. You are fine just the way you are. Sloth clears your agenda, and gives you less new information and less new experiences to stimulate your mind, making nothing something comfortable to do. In this way, sloth perpetuates itself. It is a sickness that blind you to itself, dulling your experiences and numbing your thoughts of new and different opportunities.

The remedy to sloth is action, no matter how small it may seem. It is turning off the TV, putting down your phone, getting off the couch and going for a walk. It is raising your head and looking around, calling a friend, or getting 15 min of exercise. The wonderful thing about the remedy to sloth is that action invites more action. Just as sloth perpetuates itself, so does the cure. Once we have momentum, it is easy to recognize that the best time to start something new is now!

7 Sins Series

  1. Gluttony
  2. Envy
  3. Pride
  4. Lust
  5. Wrath
  6. Greed
  7. Sloth

7 Sins, Part 6 – Greed

Greed is the selfish desire for more. The desire for more can overwhelm and overpower the original desire. Greed can be blinding and all-consuming. Baboons can be captured by making a small hole in an ant hill and placing seeds within it. The baboon will grab the seeds making its first too big to pull out of the hole, but the baboon won’t let go of the food to allow escape. This is a good example of how greed can be blinding.

We live in a greedy society. ‘More’ is sold as better. ‘More’ is more satisfying. ‘More’ will make you happier. A bigger plate, a second item at half the price, a free gift with purchase, a second helping… more will satiate you with more power, more wealth, and more material things.

The band The Flying Lizards have a song titled Money, in which the main verse says, “The best things in life are free, but I want money.” This materialistic desire is easy to buy into, and ‘the best things’ can be seen as only those things money, power, and fame can provide. But at what cost?

Greed does not get satiated. It does not have a happy ending. Greed will always leave you wanting more. It is selfish and unfulfilling. It is empty of satisfaction and undermines happiness. Greed will always leave you wanting more…

7 Sins Series

  1. Gluttony
  2. Envy
  3. Pride
  4. Lust
  5. Wrath
  6. Greed
  7. Sloth