Tag Archives: reflection

Confidence and Arrogance

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I bet you think you can tell the difference between confidence and arrogance. But you are wrong. You are biased. If you take offence to that, don’t worry, you aren’t the only one, I’m biased too.

Disagree? Think you can tell the difference?

Sure you can when it’s obvious. But it’s not always obvious.

We have gender biases about what confidence looks like. Age biases. Cultural biases. Friend group biases.

We even have beauty biases… tell me you don’t judge a pretty or handsome person who finds themselves attractive confident, while someone you deem less attractive sharing the same view of themselves being attractive as more arrogant than confident. Why can’t they be confident too? Or, oddly enough, this could be inversely true with the attractive person’s confidence seeming more like arrogance. Or it could be deemed confident for an 8 year old and arrogant for an 18 or 28 year old.

Yes, there is a big difference between confidence and arrogance, but be careful to judge too quickly… or too arrogantly. Confidence can be a superpower, but it’s also fragile. We shouldn’t be too quick to judge others who are confident, or to attack confidence as if it is arrogance.

We tell people it is important to be humble all the time, but we admire confidence more than we admire humility. Are they just showing humility or are they shy? Or are they not confident when they should be? Is it arrogance if they know they are good at what they do and show confidence rather than humility?

It’s all judgement calls. And as I mentioned before, when it’s obvious, it’s obvious, but I think we are more judgemental than we think we are. When judging confidence versus arrogance, we shouldn’t be too confident about our judgement… unless we want to show our own arrogance.

Leave a little undone

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Student leaders at my school planned a movie night and I ended up leaving school a little after 9pm last night. After I got home I decided to have a hot tub. With headphones on I slowly submerged myself, got comfortable, and put on some focus music on my meditation app. Why focus music? I was planning to do a meditation, but I was too tired and decided to reflect on the week rather than meditating, or listening to a podcast or to my book. I thought about a couple exchanges I had this week. One was feedback from a student. I love being in a school where students can give me candid feedback. In fact, we discussed radical candour and I have to say that the feedback he gave was very insightful. The other reflection is one I won’t share, because it would be too easy for the people involved to know that I was talking about them, and it’s not appropriate for me to share. 

That second reflection came shortly after I restarted my hot tub (after the 20 minute auto shut off). I thought I was going to sit for another round, but minutes later I felt too hot and that I was done. Yet, there I was pushing myself to stay in a bit longer. That’s when I realized that I was battling myself for no good reason. I was done, but I had just restarted the hot tub, and in my head it was my ‘duty’ to stay in it longer. This of course is a ridiculous thing to think, but I thought it. Then I reflected on how often we do this to ourselves.

We push to finish… almost everything.

  • Crappy movie? Watch it all anyway. Why? Maybe it will get better? Or ‘I’ve invested this much time, may as well see it through to the end’.
  • Eating a meal? I’m stuffed but there are still 4 more bites… May as well finish my plate. Or, ‘I don’t really want fries, but it was part of the meal deal, so may as well eat them’. 
  • An online survey. A game of solitaire when you know you aren’t going to win. A boring book. A career. A course you thought would be interested, but turns out to be boring and unfulfilling. 

There are a lot of quotes and adages about sticking with something, showing grit and fortitude, and not being a quitter… but there is a difference between quitting or giving up, and being smart about recognizing when something is no longer benefiting you. This is especially true for things where the only person expecting you to finish is you. Why force yourself to finish a book that you know you’ll end up being disappointed reading? Why stuff yourself with those last 4 bites? Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to leave a little bit undone.

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As an aside, the Northern Lights were out last night like I’ve never seen them before. (See my Facebook post.)

Walk in Silence

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Yesterday after work I texted my wife to see if she wanted to join me for a walk. Unfortunately she wasn’t available, but I decided to go for one anyway. Instead of heading home first, I decided to do a small loop that goes up a hill near my work. It is a short trail that is carved out in behind houses heading up to a nearby middle school. It’s short enough that I did the loop up and down the hill 4 times.

My walks tend to be on a treadmill with headphones on, or with someone. I almost never walk without a companion or without headphones. But I had neither.

It’s easy to forget how pleasant it is to walk in silence. On a stroll, alone with your own thoughts, not in a rush to get somewhere. We tend to spend so little time with ourselves these days. Our phones are our constant companions… constant stimulation… constant interruptions to the quiet of our own thoughts.

I saw a comedian talk about how he can’t take a shit without his phone anymore. He did this bit about how he’d have to go really bad, he’d get to the toilet, pull his pants down around his ankles and then realize he left his phone on the kitchen counter. He’d pull his pants back up and head down to get his phone just so he could return to the bathroom to do his business while scrolling.

A walk alone, with no headphones, no distraction or interruption to my thoughts, and while not in a hurry. This is a simple pleasure, but one I don’t tend to give myself anymore.

Breaking Bland

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I don’t know what I’ll be doing today after work, but it won’t be what I’ve done the past couple days. For two days now I’ve come home, sat on the couch, and only really got up to eat leftovers and go back to the couch… and then to bed.

It’s easy. It’s lazy. It’s unproductive. And ultimately it’s unsatisfying.

It’s ok to do for a couple days, but I can’t let myself just default to this daily. Sometimes it takes intention to change. It takes awareness and also effort. A plan helps too, but honestly I don’t have one right now. That will have to change before I get home. If it doesn’t change I’ll probably choose the bland option of doing nothing much again.

~

Breaking Bland

Breaking a bland routine is to thrive, to feel alive, rather than satisfactorily survive.

It doesn’t need to be profound, exciting, or fun. It just needs to be an evening where I don’t get home from work and think, “I’m done!”

A walk, a talk, a task with a goal will do. A chore or ‘to do’ list item will suffice too. Perhaps a recipe with flavours that are new. A book, a podcast, a meditation, a conversation with you.

The experience need not be perfect, this I understand. I just want to choose something that is more than bland.

Old Stories

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I was talking to a couple teachers yesterday after school and I was reminded of a funny story. I shared it with them. I was explaining a new assignment and sharing exemplars with my class. “This is what an ‘A’ would look like, and this is what a ‘B’ would look like.”

A student blurred out a silly example, “What if I did _____, would it be a ‘C’?”

I responded, “No, that would be a C-R-A-P.” 

Just as the class broke out laughing, I looked over to movement in my doorway to see a parent I’d never met before waiting to talk to me. The joke was funny, the timing was awful.

I started to write about this 15 minutes ago, and stopped to look back at my blog. Sure enough, I already shared this in a post, A-B-C-R-A-P, almost 4 years ago. The post is actually better than what I was going to share today because it examined criteria, exemplars, and creativity. Today I was just going to share a funny memory.

But seeing that I’d already written about this incident made me think about the stories we tell. How many of us have the same stories that we tell and retell? We have friends that generously listen as we share a story for a 3rd, 4th, 7th, even 15th time. We listen without interjecting, without sharing that we’ve heard it before. We generously listen as someone else hears it for the first time, and we laugh at the appropriate time, and with sincerity.

My wife and her friends sometimes do this cute little thing. If one of them starts a story and it has been told before, the people listening will touch their nose. If someone doesn’t touch their nose then they know it’s new to them and the story continues. If they all touch their noses the person telling the story stops…. No hard feelings, they even have a little laugh about it.

A few of my friends will tell it anyway, even if they know everyone’s heard it, but some stories are just so fun that the rerun can be more enjoyable than the first viewing.

I do wonder though, what are the stories that define us? What are those memories that stick with us and revisit us, and invite themselves in like old friends? Would I even have remembered that silly joke if a parent hadn’t been in the classroom doorway? Or was that necessary to make it a story I’ve shared and reshared?

How has the story changed over time? Does my retelling create a new memory? How much has the memory changed as a result of my resharing? Or, how has it remained the same and been emboldened and reinforced from retrieving it many times?

We are an accumulation of the stories we tell. Old stories shape our view of ourselves, and of our friends. As we get older, we don’t add significantly to the stories we share, we get more selective. Maybe it’s because we have more stories to choose from. Maybe it’s because we get to hold on to moments in our past that would otherwise be lost. And maybe it’s just fun to reminisce and to share fond memories with the people we love.

Tell me a story, and I learn something about you. I get to share in your experience, and we are both richer from the experience.

Headspace when alone

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My family started watching season 6 of Alone. 10 contestants are left alone in the wild way up north on Great Slave Lake in the Northwest Territories of Canada. The challenge ends when just one remains. The contestants have to fully fend for themselves, and they battle two significant battles, starvation and boredom.

Watching this reminds me of how important our self talk is to our overall mental health. We don’t have to face the challenges of these contestants. We don’t go days being hungry. We don’t go for endless hours with no entertainment and no one to interact with. But we still spend most of our time in our own heads.

We can be our own biggest cheerleader or our own worst enemy. We have incredible power to influence our own thinking. The most important thing we can do for ourselves is appreciate that we are doing the best we can with the resources we have. We need to be kind with ourselves… especially when we find ourselves alone.

Conversation hog

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I had a conversation yesterday and upon reflecting on it I was a bit of a conversation hog. What made me realize this was that I asked a question and upon hearing the initial response, I immediately shared my similar experience. However in doing so, the conversation never got to the person fully answering my question.

I basically jumped in with a related story and took over the conversation. This undermined my initial question and the whole conversation. It’s not like I was rude, but I also wasn’t very polite. Why ask a question if I’m more interested in my own response rather than the person’s I’m asking?

Unfortunately I didn’t recognize this until after the conversation was over, and we had parted ways. Still, this was an excellent reminder that after I ask a question, the need to shut up and listen. I need to engage with the person I’m with in a way that is fully focused on hearing, and less on relating and sharing my own connections, especially when I’m asking for their story. That isn’t to say I can’t make a connection later, but the key word there is ‘later’.

Listen first. Seek to understand. Engage in their story, and when their story has been shared, only then should I consider interjecting my own story, and only if it adds value to the conversation.

Listen first.

Goodbye 2023

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I’m glad to see you go! 4 months of pain from a herniated disc and dealing with my father’s death at the same time is not something I enjoyed. I also didn’t do my yearly healthy living calendar this year and basically stopped meditating.

So I’ll buy a new calendar today, I’ll refocus my healthy living goals… and I’ll look forward to 2024.

2023 can kiss my derrière:)

I’m thinking positive thoughts and planning to have a healthy, productive year ahead. May 2024 be a great year for you too!

Time on task

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A running joke as principal of a school is that the biggest part of the job is ‘other duties as assigned’. It’s the things you don’t expect in your day, like mopping up a mess, or being first aid attendant, or problem solving an issue you never dealt with before, and never thought you would. A vice principal I had many years ago said, “Being a VP is only a 4-hour a day job, the problem is you usually get almost none of that work done between 8:30am and 4pm.

The thing that I find most challenging is time on task… and staying on task. When there are 1,000 little interruptions in a day, it often takes time to get back into what you are doing. Something that could be done in 20 minutes uninterrupted can end up taking well over half a day to get done, and 25-30 minutes on task to do because each time you come back to the task you’ve got to figure things out again.

I had an issue recently where I was going back and forth with a parent on email. It was for something we are planning together. He sent me an email, I followed up with the planning with a teacher and got back to the parent… except I didn’t??? He emailed a week+ later asking for my response. I went to my sent mail, searched my drafts, the response I thought I sent wasn’t sent. I did have a response and exchange with the teacher in Microsoft Teams but did not send a response to the parent. Everything is good now, but I hate the idea that we were both waiting on each other and the holdup was me.

Stuff like that doesn’t happen often but when it does, it’s usually when I’m juggling too many things at once. The ‘other duties as assigned’ add elements of both surprise and distraction to your day and staying focused on all the metaphorical balls you are juggling isn’t easy.

Using the juggling metaphor reminded me of another metaphor a friend shared a while ago: “Stuff, not people.”

“Stuff, not people. When things get really busy, and you can’t do everything, things will ‘fall off the back of your truck’. When that happens, make sure that it’s stuff, and not people.”

As we head into the holidays, a stressful and very busy time for many, this is an important reminder… at least for me… that a list of tasks can wait, a lot of interruptions are important parts of my day. And while my tasks can feel important, they aren’t as important as the people I work with and for.

25 years

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I almost missed it. Even though it was in my calendar, I let it slip my mind and fortunately a friend called to see if I was there already. It was the district celebration of 25 years of service, and as soon as I got my friend’s call I left work and arrived at the event during the welcoming speeches.

I sat at a table with 4 other educators whom I started my teaching career with. We were 15 or 16 brand new teachers all teaching on a staff of 28 teachers. I have a post in my drafts titled “How lucky was I”, which will (when I finally finish writing it) share how awesome an experience it was starting at such a dynamic environment with so many of us being new at the same time. It was such a rich and rewarding time.

And here I am 25 years later. It’s hard to believe so much time has passed. It’s weird that the next big transition both in work and life will be retirement, and that this is something I actually discuss with my wife and friends. While it’s still a few years away at the earliest, it’s a big enough change that it becomes topical.

Besides my commitment to family and friends, there is nothing else that I’ve done for 25+ years. Looking back, I have to say that I’m really happy with my choice to go into education. My closest friends are people I’ve taught with, learned with, and learned from. They are a big part of the life I’ve built as I also built my career.

I tip my hat to the colleagues and students that I’ve crossed paths with in my 25 year journey as an educator. It has been an awesome ride… and it’s not over yet!