Tag Archives: life

Create experiences

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This is something I’ve thought a bit about over the years. As time passes, and I’m looking ahead at retirement, I think about the time I have left with family and friends. I wonder how do I create experiences rather than just reminiscing? When we meet up, are we doing something together or are we reflecting and sharing stories of the past?

This isn’t to say reminiscing isn’t enjoyable, but simply identifying that this shouldn’t be what we do every time we get together. Are we doing something active? Are we doing something novel? Are we creating opportunities to experience something new? Are we designing our time together or just letting time pass.?

It’s easy to live a life of ‘rinse and repeat’, going through the day-to-day routine and taking both people and time for granted… ‘they will always be there’… ‘there will always be more time’. There is comfort in those beliefs, but also caution. Are we just going through the motions of life with little emotion? Or are we creating experiences that will give us future reasons to reminisce the next time we meet?

A dignified ending

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I had a wonderful chat with a family member yesterday. She has a nursing background and is taking a course to become an end-of-life doula. In her words, we spend a lot of time helping to bring someone into this world, but don’t often give enough thought to that kind of support for people leaving this world. She also said something that stuck with me… we are very thoughtful and compassionate about caring for our pets end of life, more so than we are with humans.

When we see a pet suffering, we want to end that suffering. When a family member is suffering, we want them to hang on, to stay strong, and to endure for just a little longer. It makes me wonder, is this love and kindness or selfishness? Are we holding on for their sake or our own?

It’s one thing to want to end a life unnecessarily early, when counselling, support, and opportunities and potential for better days lay ahead… and yet another for someone with a painful and terminal illness. For the latter, there can be opportunities to make the process dignified and maybe even joyful.

In thinking about diseases of the mind, like Alzheimer’s, I wouldn’t want my family having to care for me while I can’t even remember them. If I had terminal cancer and was in pain every day, I would not want to drag out my end of life simply to prolong my daily suffering.

I can see a lot of value in an end-of-life doula to put the inevitable process of dying into perspective. To help provide not just support to a dying person but also to the family they leave behind. The process is not easy, and having kind and thoughtful support at such a stressful time is probably something many people would benefit from.

Hopefully I won’t be needing one any time soon, but it’s nice to know that there are people out there willing to provide caring palliative support to people in the same loving way we would provide end of life care for the animals we love.

One world, many universes

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There are a lot of theories about alternate realities. One can imagine entire universes, multiverses, and diverging timelines, different from our own. Undiscoverable worlds where a version of us is subtly or even sublimely different… than us, than our world that we know. But recently I’ve come to realize just how different people’s universes are right here on this earth, in this timeline.

We don’t need a multiverse to grasp completely different realities, they exist here and now. There are groups of people who live so drastically different lives, that despite sharing our current reality, their individual realities are so diverse that you could argue that they live in different universes.

A child born to a single parent in a war torn country today will live a drastically different life than a child born to a rural farm family. Who, in turn, would live in a completely different reality as a kid born to billionaire parents, or a kid born in the slums of a shantytown in an underdeveloped country.

Some people live with religious convictions that dictate many facets of their lives. Others follow science and cannot reconcile with the writings of a holy book. Still others find ways to merge the two and live with a faith that inconsistently matches science, but works for that person trying to make sense of the world.

Some people live with severe disabilities, their view of the world completely different due to limitations in perception, perspective or mobility. Some require medication to survive, while others medicate themselves to escape the world they live in. Whether stuck in or creating their own alternate realities, the lives they live are almost incomparable to our own.

Some people live with financial aspirations that rule how they relate to the world. They sacrifice other priorities in pursuit of wealth. Others make sacrifices for love, for family, for safety, and even for happiness. Each person finding their own motivations, but also stuck in their own worlds of status, health, and geography.

Within a 25 kilometre radius of downtown Vancouver there are people simultaneously living: in a tent, uncertain of when the next meal will be; renting an apartment that is less than ideal and yet too expensive compared to income generated; making significant earnings in a job that provides a comfortable life; living in a world of private jets and luxury restaurants. Each of these people live a life almost incomparable to the rest. What makes their existence similar to each other beyond their proximity on a map? Almost nothing.

We don’t need to live in a multiverse to appreciate that people live in completely different universes, right here, right now. While we experience the same planet, rotating around the same sun, in the same universe, our worlds are so drastically different that they are difficult to compare. We need not leave our one world to see the existence of many universes, each a stark contrast from the other. Each a microcosm unto itself.

The right to disconnect

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I’ve already shared my vampire rule for email:

“After 6 PM staff only get emails from me if the email is invited in. In other words, if they have asked me a question and want an answer, then a response has been invited. But if that invitation for a response isn’t there, I delay email delivery until the next morning.

So like a vampire at the front door, I can’t enter (with email) if I have something to share that is not initiated (and therefore invited in) by my staff. New topics are set to be delivered early the next morning.”

Yesterday a parent wanted me to contact one of my online teachers, who is on her last week of summer holidays, to get her son started in a course. I said no. I told the parent that I would send a scheduled message to the teacher the first day back (and I did), but that I was not interrupting my teacher’s holidays.

The Australia government just protected employees “right to disconnect”. According to a CNN report, “As of Monday, people won’t have to answer out of hours calls, texts, or emails.”

Laws are one way to ensure it, but I don’t think we need laws to be thoughtful and respectful about work/life boundaries. I think we can choose thoughtfulness over convenience, and be respectful of people’s time and attention. Like I mentioned to the parent (who was very understanding), if I interrupt a teacher’s holiday for this, there is no specific line I can draw to respect the teacher’s rights to a holiday.

We can all probably draw better boundaries between work and the rest of our lives, but what’s more important is that no matter where we draw our own lines does not allow us to choose for others too. Regardless of where our lines are, we need to be respectful of other people’s rights to unplug and disconnect from work when they are away from work.

Our significance

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Brian Cox is a brilliant scientist. I love this quote:

“There is only one interesting question in philosophy: What does it mean to live a finite, fragile life in an infinite eternal universe?“

@evancarmichael

The most interesting question in philosophy #briancox #philosophy #space #physics #existence #astronomy #foodforthought

♬ Experience (Cover Ludovico Einaudi) – 北昼

On the grand scale of the universe our planet is insignificant. But being the only species on the only planet that can grasp what the universe is… for millions of light years in any direction… makes us perhaps the most significant thing in our part of the universe.

Is something beautiful if no conscious being is around to observe it? Does anything matter if there is no appreciation of significance? Does the universe beyond this third closest rock from our sun understand laughter, love, or happiness? Beyond the life on earth, where is there any meaning? Where is there any significance to the existence of the universe?

I’m sure in a universe with trillions stars there is, has been, and will be other intelligent life ‘out there’. But we are very likely the most intelligent form of life circling around one of the 400 billion stars in our galaxy.

We create the meaning for our galaxy and for the entire universe. We embody an understanding and appreciation for life, time, and existence. It’s compelling to think that our existence on an insignificant planet in an insignificant galaxy in an insignificant part of the universe might be the most significant existence in that same universe.

“What does it mean to live a finite, fragile life in an infinite eternal universe?“

It means whatever meaning we give it… it’s as significant as we make it. Let’s appreciate that and not take it for granted. Life is beautiful, special, and so fleeting that every moment should be sacred.

Breaking Bland

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I don’t know what I’ll be doing today after work, but it won’t be what I’ve done the past couple days. For two days now I’ve come home, sat on the couch, and only really got up to eat leftovers and go back to the couch… and then to bed.

It’s easy. It’s lazy. It’s unproductive. And ultimately it’s unsatisfying.

It’s ok to do for a couple days, but I can’t let myself just default to this daily. Sometimes it takes intention to change. It takes awareness and also effort. A plan helps too, but honestly I don’t have one right now. That will have to change before I get home. If it doesn’t change I’ll probably choose the bland option of doing nothing much again.

~

Breaking Bland

Breaking a bland routine is to thrive, to feel alive, rather than satisfactorily survive.

It doesn’t need to be profound, exciting, or fun. It just needs to be an evening where I don’t get home from work and think, “I’m done!”

A walk, a talk, a task with a goal will do. A chore or ‘to do’ list item will suffice too. Perhaps a recipe with flavours that are new. A book, a podcast, a meditation, a conversation with you.

The experience need not be perfect, this I understand. I just want to choose something that is more than bland.

What Is There To Fear?

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Do you ever notice that people who have near death experiences seem to have a new lease on life? It makes me think that the fear around death is misguided. We shouldn’t fear death nearly as much as we should fear not living. Death is inevitable. And while I personally hope it is still quite distant, it really isn’t avoidable. What is avoidable is not really living. 

Not really living can be quite cliche. It’s living to work, not working to live; It’s counting the days to the weekend, your next vacation, or retirement; It’s eating for sustenance without enjoyment; It’s counting the minutes rather than spending them; It’s fearing to chase your dream; Wishing, but not doing; watching rather than participating; Wondering where the time went and lamenting; Hoping for different results, but not doing anything to get them. 

What is there to fear? It’s not death, it’s just not really living… which is something you always have control over. And if you take control, well then there really isn’t much to fear, is there? 

 

A thousand faces

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Way back in the 1970’s my parents bought me a doll for Christmas. His name was Hugo: Man of 1000 faces. Here’s a video of him.

He was creepy, but it was fun putting disguises on him, and he really looked different depending on what you added to his face.

We are more subtle. We too have thousands of faces, we just don’t wear them externally. We hold within us past experiences that shape and mold us. We react to events, experiences, and even conversations based on our exposure to related interactions, challenges, and hardships. We are clearly rational with some responses and blindly irrational with others.

We have the patience of Job with respect to a challenging situation, and yet for a small, almost insignificant other issue we snap in anger when things don’t go as they should. We demand control in some situations and easily go with the flow in other situations. And while there may be no external reason or rationale for why we treat these situations differently, there are internal, learned reasons why we react so uniquely.

Two people go through the same hardship and one has a trauma response while the other builds resilience and confidence.

We don’t experience events equally. For one person the response to a crisis is intellectual, for another it’s intuitive, and still another an uncontrollable, visceral body response.

We see ourselves as one person but we are many. We think we respond consistently to different events but we are nuanced and actually have many faces we project. This isn’t schizophrenia, it’s life. It’s the 1,000 faces we wear. It’s the framing we have built around the past experiences we’ve had, which are totally different than everyone else, even if the experiences were similar, even for siblings who share the same events in there lives.

Maybe that’s why this creepy doll, Hugo, was so much fun to play with. He embodied the physical representation of who we really are.

Writing your own chapters

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If your life were a chapter book, how many chapters would it have?

Would you choose to write about long periods of time in a single chapter? Would you provide vignettes? Would you think of your life as seasons or interludes or would it have features and long gaps between stories shared?

How complete would the story be right now?

What chapters are waiting to be written? And how long have you waited?

What would highlight in the current chapter?

Start writing.

Gone in an instant

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It’s tragic when it happens. Most recently in the news it was a bridge in Baltimore. A barge lost power and hit a bridge and it collapsed, killing several workers on the bridge. One minute they are going about their job, and then their lives are over. No warning, no forethought. Living one moment, gone the next.

I was recently on vacation and watched a few sunrises. That time of day is busy for birds on the hunt for fish. There is no glare from the sun, and many small fish are feeding near the shore. Here is a slow motion video of a bird diving for food.

Imagine the life of a small fish. You are among many other fish, feeding and going about your morning, and suddenly, most abruptly, a foreign beast plunges into your world and snatches you up. Seconds later you slide down inside of a bird’s neck and into its stomach where you suffocate before being digested.

No warning, no hint of pending doom. It’s part of the life cycle of many living things. We are fortunate that it is not frequent for us as apex predators. Still, it happens, and it’s totally unfair, even random. A fall from a ladder, a car accident, an allergic reaction, a plane crash, a freak accident.

We are fortunate not to be small fish, with far greater likeliness to come to a tragic, early, unexpected demise, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be thankful for the time we are given, and appreciate the luck we have to live a good life every day that we are given. It can be seen as scary or it can be seen as cathartic… knowing that we can be gone in an instant.