Tag Archives: kindness

The Ego and the Way

There is a saying that we are our own worst enemy, and this is especially true when our egos get the best of us. I know that I’m not at my best when I get my back up. I know that making my point a second time in an argument doesn’t help even if… especially if… I’m right. And yet sometimes in the moment of an argument I’ll still poke my point in, like a finger into a wound. Being right becomes more important than coming to an agreement.

Ego clouds the way. Hammering out past transgressions becomes more important than finding a good path forward. Being right trumps being kind, considerate, humble, compromising, or forgiving. Ego destroys apologies, by inserting justifications and explanations. “I’m sorry but…” is not an apology. “What I meant to say…” only adds to the harm. “The reason why…” is a way to justify not a way to heal.

It’s especially hard when the other person doesn’t make it easy. It takes an inner strength to take the good path when being met with frustration or even anger. That’s when the ego wakes and stands it’s ground; When the tone and tenor switches from coming to a settlement to winning an argument; When the ego becomes the way. But when you succumb to ego, you surrender a good outcome. When you meet another’s ego with ego the way forward is lost.

Do you or your ego rise up to a challenge? What is the desired outcome, to be right or to move forward? When the ego clouds the way pack your umbrella because the destination is not bright. Tuck the ego away and a clearer horizon is possible… and you just might arrive somewhere you want to be.

Do it for yourself

A simple challenge:

Do something nice for someone today. I’m going to buy my secretaries a coffee. What are you going to do? It doesn’t have to be anything that costs money.

Leave a note in a love one’s lunch for them to find. (I think I’ll do this too.)

Spend a little extra time with your pet. (I say this with my cat purring on my lap.)

Tell someone you appreciate them in some way.

Call a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while.

Here’s the thing, it’s a nice gesture that will make someone else feel good… but it will make you feel good too. Do it for the other person, but know that you are doing it for yourself too (and that’s ok, enjoy the good feelings you get).

The view from the summit

One of my favourite sayings, that I learned from a former Hare Krishna devotee is, “There are many paths to the top of a mountain, but the view from the summit is the same.” I was at a professional development session about restorative practices last week and I shared this quote in a circle.

This little saying reminds me of three things. First, good people are good people. If they are on a good and kind path, it doesn’t matter what their faith, background, or ideology is. If they are on a path to being the best they can be, if they are doing their part to make this a better world for themselves, their friends, and their community, well then they are on a good path. It doesn’t have to be the same path as me.

The second interpretation of this quote is that sometimes it’s good to take the 2,000 foot view of things, to not get lost on your own path, and not see that others’ paths are going in the same direction. A good example of this is when dealing with upset parents. It’s easy to get lost in the issues, but if you pause and look at the issue from above, suddenly you can see clearly… you both have the best interest of their child in mind… you both want the same thing. With this perspective, it’s easier to see the forest through the trees. It’s easier to not focus on your own path, but a mutual path. The view from the summit is not hindered by the path.

When it comes to faith and religion, I think of this quote as meaning there are many ways to seek God, or to be spiritual. The biggest issue I have with religions is their fervour that there is only one path to God. That seems ridiculous to me for 2 reasons. First, how many 2,000+ year old religions are now dead? How many people lived before modern faiths even existed? Surely God cared about some of those people that lived before the ‘one true religion’ even existed. Surely He/She cares for people today who are good and righteous, but have never been exposed to that one religion. And secondly, if a benevolent God were truly that concerned about a specific unyielding faith, then He/She would have given us scriptures that were more universally interpreted and less framed in the era and geography they came from. Just think about the animals mentioned in religious texts, and whether they should be eaten, not eaten, or sacrificed… these animals had relevance not to a wise God, but to the people at the time that these people wrote the scriptures. No scripture is written well enough to be the words of God, they are all so obviously written by people.

“There are many paths to the top of a mountain, but the view from the summit is the same.”

A Buddhist, a Christian, a Hindu, a Muslim, a Mormon, a Jew, an Atheist… each one of these can be good people on a path to a kinder world, and each one of these can be selfish jerks that are of a belief that somehow their faith or ideology makes them righteous and heaven bound or makes them better than others. What if they just saw each other on the same mountain, and all heading to the same summit?

I like the view from the top of that summit!

Good people

I was reminded yesterday that there are a lot of good people in this world. I’m not going to share the thing that led me to this, it’s not my story to tell. But the world seems pretty messed up right now. There is strife, upset, and war dominating our news feeds. And yesterday the kindness of strangers made a difference for a person I care about.

In our day to day experience we meet so many good people. We work with good people. We walk by good people. We spend our free time with good people. I watched a news clip about a Canadian woman who flew to the Ukraine to help support displaced orphans. Good people.

There are so many good people in this world. You are probably one of them. Thank you. And yes, I’m talking to YOU. Not some other person, you. Thank you for being inherently good. It makes a difference to the people you are surrounded by… and thus it makes a difference in the world.

You are good people. 😀

Tiny little moments

Some days slip bye and when you look back, it’s hard to say what you did to fill them. On those days I try to think of small yet special moments:

A laugh with colleagues.

A good conversation.

A delicious snack.

A kind gesture.

A selfish moment.

A selfless moment.

A single accomplishment.

It doesn’t have to be a big thing, it just has to be something that I can identify that made the day a good day.

When you read quotes about life, you read things like, “Life isn’t measured by the breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away.” That sounds beautiful, but how many daily ‘take your breath away’ moments do you really live in your daily life?

No, life’s not just about the breathtakingly special moments… it’s about filling you life with, and appreciating, the tiny little moments that make life worth living.

Seeing the good in people

We need to have boundaries and if someone is harming you, you need not try to find the good in that person, when they are not being good to you. When you are being ill-treated, find a healthy way to disconnect from the person who is harming or insulting or mistreating you, and there is no need or responsibility to see the good in a person that treats you that way. Unhealthy relationships like this are best to be severed without an attempt to see the good… that’s how domestic violence is perpetuated, “He’s not always like this,” or “He’s good to the kids.” No, he’s broken and your face isn’t going to fix his fist. Get out!

This isn’t about toxic relationships where people use and abuse power over you. But, most people do not come across other people that victimize them on a regular basis.

On the other hand, we need not dismiss someone or think less of them simply because we do not agree with them. When you simply disagree with someone, that’s when it’s important not to make it an ad hominem attack – an attack of the person, rather than their ideas. On a day-to-day basis we will often come across people that we have different views from us, and while they may not see the world from the same perspective as us, that doesn’t mean they aren’t good people. That doesn’t mean they deserve to be treated poorly.

Most teachers understand this. They can be disappointed in a student’s behaviour without making the child feel worthless for making a mistake. They see potential in a kid even when the kid acts out in inappropriate ways. They give students the benefit of the doubt. Good parents do this too.

Yet somehow this gets lost when dealing with adults. Adult to adult disagreements and arguments often come with beliefs that people are one-dimensional. But what’s the harm in seeing the good in others, even when we disagree with them. What would happen if we understood their intentions more than their words? What if we decided that our disagreements were with a good person? How would that change the argument or the circumstances?

A lot of good can come from looking for the good in people.

Children see, children do

This clip is 15 years old now, but still as powerful as when it was made:

It reminds me not just of kids copying bad behaviour, but the fact that they do indeed copy a whole lot of what adults do. Ever see a kid talking on the phone, mimicking their parents, speaking in baby-talk even before they can construct sentences? Ever see kids pretend to go to work? Ever see kids pushing a much-too-big-for-them shopping cart in a grocery store, putting items into it?

Kids copy our behaviour. They copy our good habits, our patterns of speech, and our kindness. And like the video, they copy our biases, our prejudices, and our bad habits. We model the world for our kids.

A funny aside to this is that parents will think to themselves, “I’m going to be a better parent than my own.” They reflect on things their parents did and think of different or better ways to raise their own kids. But this hilarious cartoon describes the end result:

Jokes aside, it matters how good our parents were, and it matters how good we are as parents. Our kids will take from us some good values and lessons that we intentionally give them, but they will also take a multitude of lessons from watching us and learning from us whether we intend them to or not. We are their role models and what children see, children do.

Generosity is rewarding

I have a picky rule about Christmas. No lights, no music, no decorations until after my Birthday (November 21st). The rule isn’t about me being selfish about my birthday, it’s about me being selfish about Christmas. When Christmas Day rolls around I want to still be interested in hearing Christmas music, and enjoy the sights and sounds. I find the joy fades by Christmas Day if I feel like I’m celebrating for over a month.

Today my wife and I wrapped stocking stuffers, and I could see the thoughtfulness of these tiny gifts my wife bought out kids. It reminded me of how much joy there is in giving, and not just in receiving gifts. In fact, I think there can be more joy in giving than receiving.

I was reminded recently of an employee I hired at Starbucks. The best employee I ever hired, but I had to break a rule to hire him. The policy was every employee is interviewed by two people. The problem was this eager young man could barely speak English and he was so nervous that he did an awful job. But I trusted the customer who recommended him, a high powered lawyer with a ton of integrity, and I saw through this kid’s nervousness. He turned out to be amazing, and everyone on staff loved working with him.

Several months later his visa renewal was denied and he had to leave. It was really sad. He insisted on taking me out to dinner on one of his last nights in Canada as a ‘thank you’. He knew I gave him a break, I answered more than half his interview questions for him. It was obvious how bad it was and I still gave home the job. His work ethic paid off with dividends, but he was still grateful.

He took me to one of the most expensive Japanese restaurants in Vancouver, where we had about 10 or 11 courses. He stuffed me and complained that Canadians don’t eat enough. After dinner he gave me a bunch of gifts including a Gortex, waterproof jacket (I rode my bike to work daily, and my jacket was looking a little worn), a tennis racket, and other items that easily added up to more than his salary for a week. I felt bad accepting it all on top of this expensive meal we just enjoyed.

I really felt bad as the gifts kept coming out… then I saw it… the joy on his face. He was loving the moment. And I started to share his joy more than my guilt.

There can be great joy in giving as well as receiving gifts, and in some instances, the greater joy comes from giving. Enjoy being kind this holiday season!

A short clip on kindness

Take a couple minutes out of your day and enjoy this story by @therichb on TikTok: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZM8xFUYDm/

It’s amazing how small acts of kindness can spread joy, not just for the person receiving the kindness, but for the giver as well… even if it’s done without recognition.

Here’s another video to make your day:

Spread love and kindness, it’s good for you!

From faith or with faith?

This isn’t meant to be a critique of any specific religion, and it’s not a criticism of having faith in your beliefs. It’s a simple question: What should religions really teach us?

All religions have benevolent followers who act out of kindness and love. Support for family and community is a driving force for them.

All religions have unkind and unlikeable followers who act out of selfishness and self-indulgence. A lack of care for others well-being is inherently in their goals and aspirations.

Many people have benefited from a church or religious community supporting them. A sense of greater belonging strengthening their identity with like-minded people.

Many people have suffered in religious wars, crusades, and attacks from foreign people with foreign beliefs. A sense of alienation, a world of slavery, forced conversion, or death follows the invasion.

Do we need religion to act kind and benevolent? Could we be loving, caring and community-minded without a holy scripture? Could we be good people without faith in an organized religion, without a scripture to point the way?

Does goodness come from following a faith, or does a faith promote the goodness already inherent within us?

We can coexist with people of different faiths being loving and kind to one another. We can see the good in others who approach their faith with benevolence, even if their faith is not the same as ours. And if a faith prevents this, is that a benevolent God to follow? Can we seek peace beyond our faith, with those from outside our faith?

Do we learn to be good from our faith, or do we need to better understand how to be good to everyone beyond those that share our beliefs, as well as those that do? For it seems to me that in this day and age, if one’s faith does not promote openness and love beyond that faith, the faithful need to question how much good that faith brings them?