Tag Archives: friendship

Follow the Thread

The first social media app that I fully engaged with was Twitter. Of course, back in 2007 it wasn’t an app, it was a website. And in the early days it would often crash. I was so enamoured that I wouldn’t miss a tweet in my timeline. I’d come home from work and scroll from my last read tweet forward until I was ‘caught up’. And along the way I’d click on links, and read blog posts my friends shared, and even go to their sites to comment. Sometimes I’d end up with 12-15 tabs open and the catching up would take me over an hour.

I’d go to conferences and meet people I only knew through Twitter and I’d feel like I was meeting old friends. My connections were down to earth and very real. I loved the richness of the conversation and learning that happened on Twitter.

Then it changed.

It went from friendships to engagement, from conversation to activity, from a tool I spent time on to a tool I transmit to.

Now Meta has come out with Threads. Maybe the conversation is coming back. Maybe. But my time investment won’t be there unless I’m pulled there by others. Sure, I created an account, and yes, I’m interested to see where it could go. But it would require others drawing me in to make it something I use regularly. I’m not investing the time to making it work for me.

I’m just that much more selfish with my time now. I don’t have time for angry posts and outrage. I don’t care about building a follow-ship. I am not interested in clicking a link to see an image or video on another platform… which ironically someone on social media needs to do to fully read my Daily-Ink. In short, I’m not willing to put the time and energy into yet another social media platform, unless I see an immediate and positive engagement… and that doesn’t happen until a spend time on the platform.

So, I’m more likely to watch the threads fray than I am to stitch together a profile that I’m willing to wear. Threads is probably headed to my laundry basket of apps I never put on.

Crossing the street for you

Going back 25 years ago, I was in teacher’s college and did almost every project with two friends I met in the program, Andrew and JP. I was literally sandwiched between them sitting at 5’9 when both of the are well over 6’… and JP was the presentation opener, with a wicked sense of humour, while Andrew was the closer with intelligent and relevant ties to the curriculum and reading, all of which he had always done. So, once again I was stuck (comfortably) in the middle.

One day we were having lunch and planning an upcoming presentation when JP said, out of the blue, “Dave, I’d cross the street for you.”

“What?”

“Some people you see walking on the opposite side of the street, and you wave at them as they go by. And some people you take the time to cross the street and greet them. I’d cross the street for you.”

That’s a fond memory about friendship that I thought of this morning. There are probably a lot of quotes like the following but I’m on an airplane without wifi so I’ll take liberty to word a common idea and try to put my own twist on it:

It’s easy to be a good friend when times are easy, it’s a true friendship when times are hard and yet helping your friend out is not hard.

That’s the measure. It’s not about it being hard for you… if the friend is going through hard times you aren’t holding up a measuring stick to see how hard it is to help. There is a willingness to go to hard places without quantifying the effort… the friend is worth it.

You aren’t just crossing the street for them, you are going back the other way just to be with them.

Something really special

I sometimes forget how lucky I was at the start of my teaching career. I worked with some amazing leaders and educators, and we created very special learning experiences for our students. When I meet former students from those teaching years, they often share a few different comments such as:

  • Middle school was my favourite time in school.
  • You guys made school so much fun.
  • You taught us life skills I still think about.
  • We could tell you all loved teaching and loved working together.
  • It was such a special school!

Today my wife and I (we both taught at the school back then) met up with a former student visiting from Ottawa. She had invited friends and former teachers to meet at a local park. This student is pregnant with her first child and she talked about wanting to find a future school for her newborn that was as special as Como Lake Middle was to her.

She said, ‘For years I thought every middle school was as fantastic as our school’, and that it was comments on our Facebook pages about how special our experience was (from other former students) that made her realize, ‘Wait, that isn’t normal for every middle school?’ She said she thought that’s just what middle school was before talking to her husband and others that didn’t have such an amazing experience.

She brought up a specific lesson I’d shared in a leadership class, and like others she mentioned how much fun the teachers had together. She brought up an experience in PE class where the Vice Principal highlighted her effort in PE, even though she was, as she described it, ‘in the middle of the pack athletically’. And she mentioned a teacher visiting her class on the first day and teasing her teacher in such a fun way that everyone had a good laugh (including her teacher being teased).

I need to spend more time reflecting, fondly reminiscing, and appreciating those years, and the connections to students from those years. They really were something special.

Time in, time out

There is a certain wisdom that comes with age, with the passing of years and the recognition that more than half your life has passed. I’m not talking about how my days are numbered or anything like that, but rather that the time we have left is worth something. So how do we use our time? What do we put time into… and what do we get out of that time?

I have a good job that is in the service of others. I get good job satisfaction out of my work, but I also put a lot of my time into my work. I have an awesome family that I’d like to spend a bit more time with… and do, like our recent vacation to Spain. I have a small group of friends that I definitely want to spend more time with. I have a weekly walk and coffee with a friend, and I have regular events (plays & musicals) where my wife and I go out with 2 other couples we are close to. I have some awesome connections to my wife’s family and we meet for events like a dinner this long weekend. Beyond that I really don’t make time for friendships, and when I do it feels like an effort.

As I get older I’m seeing that the effort to connect with friends and family is vitally important. Vitally as in it fosters vitality. I spend so little time making the effort to connect to others I care about, but those connections are worth the effort. And if you don’t put the time in, you don’t get the reward out. My circle of friends is small, and I don’t want it any smaller. I need to make more time to connect to people whom I value… and who value me.

I need to make the time, because to quote a Canadian band, ‘They say, absence makes the heart grow fungus‘. If I don’t make the effort now, I’m probably not going to make it later, and friendships do not grow stronger out of time apart. New experiences with old friends: that’s what I need more of in my life. And these don’t happen unless someone is making an effort to connect… and more and more I’m realizing that I’m the one that needs to make the effort; to put the time in.

Looking back in time

It’s hard to grasp the idea that when we look at a star, we are looking at that star from an era long ago. Even when we look at our own sun, we only see it as it was 8 minutes ago, because that’s how long the light takes to get to us. The closest star to us is Proxima Centauri at 4.25 light years away. When we see the light from this star we are seeing it as it shone 4.25 years ago.

When we look at the night sky, we are looking at a history of the universe, with each distant star sharing a different part of its past with us.

We look at people who are close to us in the same way. We don’t just see them, we see our past with them. We see the last time we met. Did we get along or did we have a conflict? Did we create a fond memory or did we face a problem? Did we grow closer together or does the distance from our last meeting make us feel farther apart?

In a way, relationships can be like distant stars, fading into the past unless we make an effort to see people in a new light. Because our connection to people comes from the way we look at our previous interactions, our history together. This is all we have until we shed new light on one another. Glimpses of history that tell stories… be they stories of our universe or stories of friendship. In both cases we are looking at our past to make sense of our future.

The stories we tell

I was taking my weekly walk with a buddy last weekend and I told him a story about the first time I watched a show we both enjoyed in our youth. He then told me that this was the third time I’ve told him that story, but he knew I enjoyed sharing it so he liked hearing it.

I’m visiting my parents and I’ve heard a few old stories from them and my sisters, and I’m sure they’ve heard a few repeats from me. It’s interesting the way our old stories define us.

Do we remember fond moments or frustrations? Do we reminisce about family gatherings or family disagreements? Is it acts of kindness or malice that we weave our stories around? Are these stories of joy, laughter, sadness, or scorn?

What do we hold on to? What shapes the memories that matter, and ultimately shapes us? If these memories don’t serve us well, can we change them? Can we redefine these memories? Can we give them less or more power over us?

I believe we can. And if we happen to hear our family or friends share happy stories more than once, hopefully we can have the same grace my buddy had to listen and enjoy (again).

Sometimes a push is needed

I’m not a fan of the cold. I share this fact openly. I’ve also shared that I do a weekly walk with my buddy Dave called the Coquitlam Crunch. Well here is my text conversation with Dave last night:

I’m going to be totally honest, I was fishing for the opportunity to skip the Crunch. But here’s the thing… it was fine! I dressed warmly, we had ‘clamp-ons’ to put over our shoes to grip the snow, and I’m really glad that we did it. That was crunch number 92 since we started back in January 2021.

It’s good to have friends that don’t let us have the easy out. So often our anticipation and avoidance is actually worse than doing the thing we need to do. And when we don’t want to do it, friends can either help us step up, or they can keep us in the ‘easy zone’. Easy to do and good for us are seldom the same path.

The right friend knows when to push… and that friend is far better than the one letting you off the hook, or worse yet, talking you out of the better path.

Always improving

I had a conversation with a good friend yesterday. He has a renovation going on and is quite involved in the process. He lamented about how busy he is and said something interesting to me. To summarize:

‘I don’t mind being busy, it just gets exhausting always doing things a little beyond what you are comfortable with.’

That’s a really interesting point. We live in a world where very few people, athletes for example, hone their skills and spend a tremendous amount of time doing only what they are good at. Most people are good at something and spend hours doing something else, scrambling to make time for the thing(s) they enjoy doing.

They love the design process, but spend most of their time building. They love building but spend most of their time ordering supplies and managing people. The love managing people but spend hours managing paper or digital files and documents. Beyond these examples, they spend time learning new, more challenging tasks and implementing them with beginner eyes, while not doing the things they know they can do well.

I understood my friend’s point and said, ‘Wouldn’t it be nice to focus on the part of your job you are really good at for a while and not always be working on new challenging skills?’ Then we both had a chuckle realizing that we’d feel like we’d be standing still if we didn’t push ourselves. But that’s the impetus to ask the question,

Where does the push to always be improving come from?

Is it intrinsic? Is it organizational? Is it cultural? Are there places where jobs have not magnified in complexity and people are given the time they need to mostly do the things they love doing, and not just a lot of what they have to do? That doesn’t mean they stop improving, just that the things they improve on are things they really want to be doing. The idea of constantly improving is both appealing and exhausting. I think the key to making it feel good is to find reasons to celebrate achievements, to recognize gains, and to appreciate the journey… because there are always ways to improve… always more that can be done… always things to learn.

The challenge of hindsight

Recently I had a student come to me for advice. He played a joke on a friend, and then kept the joke going digitally on a digital discussion board. It wasn’t a bullying issue, there wasn’t a power struggle. But the kid who came to me recognized that his friend was struggling a bit and he felt that his joke added stress and added to his struggles. He just wasn’t sure how to fix it.

I could see and hear the anxiety that he had gone too far with the joke and hurt his friend. There was a lot of guilt, and the awareness that he could have contributed to a friend’s struggles was really burdening him. He felt awful. I think he came to me partially because he wanted advice and partially because he felt he should somehow be punished for hurting his friend. I mentioned that there was no power struggle and so it wasn’t bullying, but in this kids eyes he did something that hurt someone so it was bullying.

I tried to put him at ease by talking about how hindsight is 20/20 and it’s easy for him to see that he took the joke too far now, but it would have been much harder to see this at the time. And I said that the fact that he could look back and see that now was actually a good thing. Good because it shows he’s reflective and cares for his friend, and good because he has the power now to make things better. But that it’s easy to see this now only by looking back and being thoughtful.

I then guided him through a good apology. He wanted to make it about the struggles his friend was going through as part of the apology. I suggested this wasn’t an ideal approach. A version of “I’m sorry you have problems that I added to” doesn’t instil a sense that the conversation is about an apology. Instead I suggested he focus on his own behavior. “I’m sorry that I took the joke to far, I didn’t mean for it to be hurtful in any way, but I think it was. I apologize and I’ll be more thoughtful next time.”

At one point when I was finishing up with him he said, “I’m sorry if I seem distracted but the longer I’m here the longer my friend has to wait for my apology.” I had to hold back a little chuckle as I let him go to talk to his friend.

This is a good kid. He used hindsight to see that he had done something wrong to a friend, but then he beat himself up for not seeing his mistake sooner. How often do we all do this? We look back at our actions and feel guilty, stupid, or embarrassed for what we did. Then we magnify those feelings and feel even worse. Our hindsight gives us insight into how we could have and should have acted previously… but now it’s too late. Now it feels like all we can do is feel bad.

…Or we can be humble, recognize our mistake, and try to make things better. The challenge with hindsight is that we can’t undo our stupidity, we can only pretend it didn’t happen, beat ourselves up about it, or actually try to face the mistake we made, own it, and be willing to make amends or ‘make it right’. This latter choice isn’t the easiest path to take, but it is the best path to take and the faster we do it, the less time we spend worrying or feeling bad about it.

The shallows vs the deep

When you meet some people, you instantly like them. They are friendly, personable, and genuine. Some people take a while to grow on you. There isn’t that quick assessment, and you need time to figure them out and have them figure you out. They can easily be as genuine as the people you like instantly, but you don’t immediately know.

Then there are the ones you instantly dislike or mistrust. There are those that seek to complain, and are quick to annoy you or to be easily annoyed themselves.

Isn’t interesting how much time and thought we spend on these different kinds of people? Those that have a depth of quality, we appreciate and want to know, but we don’t necessarily think or talk about them when they aren’t around. But those that annoy and frustrate us consume more of our thought and attention than they deserve.

We spend too much time focused in on the shallow end of this continuum and not enough time going deep with those that deserve more of our attention. We play and replay scenarios dealing with shallow people instead of doing the work to let go of petty things and investing time with those that lift us up in body, mind, and spirit.

Sometimes I’m surprised by my inability to move beyond the shallow end. I try to convince myself that I’m not interested in playing in the shallows, but I allow small conversations and interactions to consume too much of my thoughts. And then I wonder why I don’t have the time or energy for more intellectual endeavours?

This is why I seek people to converse with one-on-one. I create the opportunities to go deep, to invest time with people that are intelligent, forthcoming, insightful, and enjoyable to be around. I create time away from from the shallow end, where conversations can go deep. We might still splash around in shallow conversations but these are enjoyable rather than taxing, playful rather than confrontational… and always open to going deeper.