Tag Archives: forgiveness

The Ego and the Way

There is a saying that we are our own worst enemy, and this is especially true when our egos get the best of us. I know that I’m not at my best when I get my back up. I know that making my point a second time in an argument doesn’t help even if… especially if… I’m right. And yet sometimes in the moment of an argument I’ll still poke my point in, like a finger into a wound. Being right becomes more important than coming to an agreement.

Ego clouds the way. Hammering out past transgressions becomes more important than finding a good path forward. Being right trumps being kind, considerate, humble, compromising, or forgiving. Ego destroys apologies, by inserting justifications and explanations. “I’m sorry but…” is not an apology. “What I meant to say…” only adds to the harm. “The reason why…” is a way to justify not a way to heal.

It’s especially hard when the other person doesn’t make it easy. It takes an inner strength to take the good path when being met with frustration or even anger. That’s when the ego wakes and stands it’s ground; When the tone and tenor switches from coming to a settlement to winning an argument; When the ego becomes the way. But when you succumb to ego, you surrender a good outcome. When you meet another’s ego with ego the way forward is lost.

Do you or your ego rise up to a challenge? What is the desired outcome, to be right or to move forward? When the ego clouds the way pack your umbrella because the destination is not bright. Tuck the ego away and a clearer horizon is possible… and you just might arrive somewhere you want to be.

3 parts to an apology

I’ve used this with grade 2 students, and I’ve used it all the way up to grade 12. I’ve been using it as a teacher and principal for close to 20 years now and find it very effective. When a student needs to do an apology, I prep both students first.

The apology receiver:

This prep involves two parts, first, being clear about what they are upset about. This is something that can be explicit like ‘he hit me’ but sometimes the victim is hurt about something very specific and if it isn’t clear, then the apology might not actual satisfy the receiver of the apology.

Also important is prepping their response. “You don’t have to say anything, it’s their choice to apologize. If you do feel like saying something, please don’t say, ‘That’s OK’ or anything like that. What they did wasn’t ok, that’s why they are apologizing. If you choose to say something, you can thank them for saying what they said, you can share why you felt hurt, but it’s not your job to tell them what they did was ok.”

I sometimes also tell them about the 3 parts of the apology, but I don’t share this with both people at the same time.

The apology giver:

In advance I share the 3 parts of an apology, and they share what they plan to say. Rehearsal in advance helps a lot! Here are the 3 parts of an apology:

1. Saying “I’m sorry”.

2. Saying what you are specifically sorry for.

3. In the future…

For part 1, I make sure the apologizer is ready to truly apologize… it needs to be authentic.

For part 2, I explain, “I’ve heard an apology before where the person just said sorry sarcastically, and it sounded like the only thing they were sorry about was getting caught. If you are going to truly apologize, you need the person to know what you are sorry for.”

For part 3, I have them think in advance about what they would do if the same situation were to arise in the future (this is called future pacing and it provides alternative possibilities if a similar situation arises again). Example, “If I get upset at you again I’ll use my words or talk to a teacher instead of hitting.”

After the apology is done, I’ll make sure the receiver is satisfied, then I’ll share that I’m satisfied too but if it happens again, then I’m not going to be convinced the apology was authentic.

The best part of this 3-step apology process is that when it’s specific and authentic like this, I find repeat offences rarely occur. And, the receiver of the apology will often share more than they need to. Sometimes this evokes empathy. Sometimes the receiver will admit they had a part to play in the incident too, and might even apologize as well. This is really powerful because then I can use it as a bit of leverage saying something like, ‘We didn’t come together for you to apologize, it wasn’t necessary as part of this process, and so I really want to thank you for seeing how you can help make things better in the future too.’

Sometimes an apology isn’t enough and there needs to be further consequences. When that’s the case, I always make sure the consequences are shared before an apology. If an apology happens then the person apologizing receives a consequence after the apology, they might feel the apology was a waste of time. They might blame the victim for the consequences because they thought the apology was authentic (they honestly tried) then still got punished. So, any consequences beyond the apology need to be clearly dealt with before the apology.

In the end this isn’t about punishment and consequences. A good apology is about letting go of the past and ‘making things right’ in the future.

Falling fairies

It was meant to be funny, but it was mean. Not one of proudest moments as a dad.

My oldest daughter was three, and we were outside, playing in the fresh snow on a weekend morning. The snow was deep, but way too fluffy and soft for a snowman. I went over to the huge tree in our front yard, covered in snow, branches laden with powdered snow, and decided it would be funny to shake the snow onto my daughter. A harmless joke.

I called here over. ‘Come here’.

“Why”

I gently pulled a branch lower. “Come over here.’

“Why”

‘If you listen carefully you can hear the tree fairies sing.’

My daughter came over, trying to listen, and I shook the branch. Puffy snowflakes came falling down into her. This wasn’t a dump of snow, it was a powdering, but still, a solid covering of her toque and face.

And then the tears came so fast that I couldn’t even laugh. Thank goodness because that would have been meaner that it already was. I gave her a hug and she cried on my shoulder. I realized my mistake and hugged her tight. At this point I did laugh embarrassingly, but held it in, my body shaking as I held back the noise, still hugging her and hiding my guilty grin. ‘Oh, I’m so sorry sweetie, it was just a joke.’

My mistake wasn’t dumping snow on her, that would have been funny. It was the comment about the fairies that was hurtful. I played on the gullibility of a three year old who really believed she was going to hear a tree fairy. When I tricked her, it wasn’t just a prank by dad for the sake of a joke, it was a betrayal, and a disappointment that made the betrayal actually hurt.

She got over it pretty quickly, and we were back to playing and having fun a few moments after the tears. Now that she’s almost 21, I’m sure this isn’t a scarring memory that she’ll end up needing therapy for, but it was not a great parenting moment for me.

We don’t always realize the way we hurt people with the things we say. To us it’s nothing but a lighthearted joke, a little poke, a passing comment. But to the receiver it can be more. It was falling fairies, not falling snow, that really hurt my daughter.

We don’t always see how our words and actions can really affect others. We say ‘It’s not a big deal’, others feel it really is. We see misunderstanding, others see malcontent. We see honest mistakes, others see betrayal. What others hear and feel is far more important than what we think they hear and feel.

And sometimes a sincere apology, or even a hug, can go a long way in mending fallen feelings.

—– —– —– —– —–

A related story, “T’was two nights after Christmas… A story of lost innocence.“
7-Sins-Collage

Here are the 7 Sins, and here come the 7 Virtues?

In January, I wrote a series of posts called the 7 Sins:

  1. Gluttony
  2. Envy
  3. Pride
  4. Lust
  5. Wrath
  6. Greed
  7. Sloth

I plan to write a series of 7 Virtues over this coming week, in addition to my regular daily posts, then auto post them the following week while I take a social media break. I will be deleting my Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram Apps off of my phone and only using my phone or a laptop with notifications turned off for my sabbatical. On that note, if you regularly read this blog from my Facebook Story or Facebook Timeline, please ‘Like’ this FB page, because during my social media break I won’t be manually adding the posts to my Story or Timeline. You can also get Daily-Ink by email.

Here are 7 Virtues that I am thinking of writing about: (The order might differ.)

  1. Love (including Chastity and Loyalty)
  2. Discipline (including Patience, not just Diligence or Temperance)
  3. Empathy (including Compassion)
  4. Integrity (including Honour and Courage)
  5. Kindness (including Charity),
  6. Humility
  7. Forgiveness

Am I missing anything? Any suggestions?

Empathy and forgiveness

Last night I (re)read, “(Digital) Identity in a World that No Longer Forgets”, by Alec Couros and Katia Hildebrandt. I say ‘(re)read’ because I thought I was reading this article, written in October 2015, for the first time… but when I looked at it again today, I saw the first comment on the article was by me. The internet might not forget, but I do!

In the article, this sentence really struck me:

“In a world where forgetting is no longer possible, we might instead work towards greater empathy and forgiveness.”

We need to recognize that people are allowed to make mistakes. Take the time to read the article by Alec and Katia. These things matter when measuring the severity of someone’s digitally inappropriate contribution: Context and intended audience, intent, history, authorship, and empathy (and forgiveness).

If we treat every transgression on the internet with the same level of disgust and anger, then comparatively we are reducing the level of anger and upset over truly appalling and disturbing comments and behaviours. Furthermore, we are creating an unforgiving and un-empathetic society, that does not allow us to apologize and/or learn from our mistakes.

I’ve written about this in my post ‘Resilience #OneWord2020‘, and I’ll end with a quote from that post:

In Online Spaces:

People will make mistakes online. They will say things that are unintentionallyhurtful, or blindly offensive. This is different than someone being intentionally biased and rude. If the slander is intentional, it should be reported. If it is unintentional, even to the point of ignorance, we need to be more resilient about what our responses are. When every transgression is treated with an attack, the most severe/bigoted/rude/biased transgressions are not given the heightened alarm that they deserve. With lesser errors and mistakes, we need to let people have a venue to recognize their errors and invite conversation rather than damnation.

Growing up, I heard the playground retort to taunts, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never harm me.” We are past the era of letting nasty people say whatever nasty things they want, and just turning the other cheek to pretend we are not hurt. This is a good thing. We want to live in a world where that behaviour is not acceptable. But it does not serve us well to treat the attacker like they can not repent or be sorry.

an original sin

I want to talk about something sinful. I say this in the hope that it promotes Good, not anger. Please keep that intent in mind as you read.

I’ve said this elsewhere before:

I think the two most noblest of traits are compassion and forgiveness.
Compassion because it links us to others in a way that we lose ourselves.
Forgiveness because more than any other trait, it can not be faked
and true forgiveness is to see love even in the faults of others.

This post is not directly about compassion and forgiveness but it is about being noble: having or showing fine personal qualities or high moral principles and ideals. It is about being responsive in a way the shows high moral principles in the most religious sense… where all great religions share common beliefs.

This post is about two things, Good and Evil. I believe there is capital ‘G’ Good in this world and also capital ‘E’ Evil in this world. I believe these forces are at battle globally, nationally, locally and personally. We have both good and evil wolves within us all and we chose which one we feed. I question which one is being fed in today?

Osama Bin Ladin is dead.

I do not question if he was Evil. Osama Bin Ladin is dead and the world has been rid of an Evil man.

What I fear now, what scares me, is the response I see to his death. It is vengeful, vindictive. It is spurred by hate. I see the only of the 7 deadly sins not necessarily associated with selfishness or self-interest: wrath.

I’ve seen this before. I’ve seen it around the world. My earliest memory of it was when Ronald Reagan was shot. I sat, shocked, watching my friends television after school, one of the scenes shared, a celebration in the streets of an unremembered country, far from the US in distance, diplomacy and idealism. It felt wrong. I have the same feeling now.

And so I seek to see things from multiple perspectives and to understand things that we may miss because we take things for granted in our own culture and in our own fixed perspective.

President Obama said on the death of Osama Bin Ladin and in discussing the tragedy of 9/11, “… And yet we know that the worst images are those that were unseen to the world. The empty seat at the dinner table. Children who were forced to grow up without their mother or their father. Parents who would never know the feeling of their child’s embrace. Nearly 3,000 citizens taken from us, leaving a gaping hole in our hearts.”

I remember watching that on television too. Much of the world gasping for breath as towers crumbled. And once again, scenes shared of celebrations in the streets of other countries, far from the US in distance, diplomacy and idealism. This too felt wrong. I have the same feeling now.

How many have died since the towers fell? How many parent-less children are there? …the victims of a war on Hate. Victims: not gun-wielding Evil men and women… Just people in the wrong place at the wrong time.

“… And yet we know that the worst images are those that were unseen to the world. The empty seat at the dinner table. Children who were forced to grow up without their mother or their father. Parents who would never know the feeling of their child’s embrace.”

Without doing research I would estimate the number of deaths from the war on Hate to be closer to 300,000 than 3,000. But the totals are not shared to be compared, they are both significant numbers that exceed zero, making them painful reminders of Evil. They leave gaping holes in many of our hearts.

It is hard for any of the surviving family members, victims in different countries but with common suffering, to see the Good in this world. But we do have Good in this world. And there is room for more of it. There is always room for compassion and forgiveness. There is always a possible response that is noble: having or showing fine personal qualities or high moral principles and ideals.

An evil man is dead. I see celebrations around the world and this too feels wrong.

Will the killing stop? I read a book about ‘The Spider and the Starfish’. You sever a leg of a spider and it is crippled. You sever the leg of a starfish and it grows a new one. I fear that al Qaeda is more starfish than spider.

How do we let the Good in us reign? Where can we now seek love? Where can we show compassion? To whom can we show forgiveness? How can we bring peace to our world?

An evil man is dead. This is cause for relief, not rejoicing; reconciliation, not retribution; reflection, not wrath.

Compassion and Forgiveness

I shared this in a comment on Tom Altepeter’s post titled ‘Family‘ today, and wanted to share it in my own space too:

__________

I think the two most noblest of traits are compassion and forgiveness.


Compassion because it links us to others in a way that we lose ourselves.


Forgiveness because more than any other trait, it can not be faked
and true forgiveness is to see love even in the faults of others.
I believe that family helps us to find both
compassion and forgiveness in ourselves.

__________

Think good thoughts, say good words, do good deeds.
~Dave.