Tag Archives: family

Family gatherings

A week ago we celebrated my daughter’s 21st birthday. This weekend we celebrated my father-in-law’s 90th birthday, and the engagement of my niece. It’s wonderful to gather and celebrate these milestones. Next month I will be travelling across the country to visit my parents and sisters. While we won’t be celebrating anything specific, we will have an opportunity to spend time together.

As a kid I spent almost every Friday night at my grandparents with aunts, uncles, and cousins. Now every gathering is planned weeks and even months in advance. The spaces in between visits, gatherings, and special events seem wide. Nobody ‘drops by’ to say ‘Hi’, there is no “I was in the neighbourhood’ visits, no last minute invites for dinner.

Distances apart play a role in this distancing between gatherings, but so do changing norms. Maybe it’s time to rethink the way things have changed. A spontaneous dinner invite, a visit between meals that requires no extra work. A phone call to say, “what are you doing for the next couple hours’ followed by a visit.

Gathering with family and friends could be done far more often, with far less work and preparation. It just takes a little spontaneity, and an attitude that time spent together is too valuable to wait for special occasions.

Milestones

Today my youngest turns 21. It sounds so cliche to ask ‘Where does the time go?’ And yet it feels like a legitimate question.

One day you are bringing a bundle of joy home from the hospital… The next you are making sounds for them to repeat.

First steps, first time on a bicycle, first time without training wheels, first big fall from a bicycle.

First day of school, first day of middle school, high school, university.

Thousands of firsts, thousands of milestones, skipping past as fast as a skipping rock across a pond.

The firsts may come farther apart now, but they are to be cherished. Each ripple, a new moment, a new milestone, a new memory.

Culture and kids

I was visiting the Philippines back in 2010, my kids were 8 and 10. We went to the beach and immediately they wanted to build sand castles with me. I spent about 25-30 minutes playing then told them I was going to sit with their mom for a bit. I’d had enough. They wanted me to play longer.

Then a family with a mom, dad, and 3 or 4 year old kid came and sat near us. The kid had a shovel and her dad had a spoon, and they started playing in the sand. We stayed on the beach for well over an hour, probably closer to 2 hours and that dad was on his hands and knees or squatting next to his kid playing in the sand the entire time. I think they were speaking Tagalog so I didn’t understand the conversations they weee having, but this dad was engaged with his kid the entire time. During that time, I played with my kids in the sand for another 20-25 minutes.

I remember telling my wife that this guy was making me feel like a crappy dad. I was amazed how his little girl was the center of his attention for so long. It makes me wonder about how our culture and our upbringing influences the raising of our kids?

Visiting Thailand around that same time we stayed for a few days in a resort with tree house rooms near a national forest. The first morning we went to breakfast and there was a makeshift playpen, for a kid who wasn’t quite walking age, near where we ate. When we arrived at the restaurant, the owner was sitting in the playpen with the kid. He left when another worker came to tend to the kid. Then later we saw his wife doing the same thing. We assumed it was their granddaughter. My wife asked if this was the case and we were told no. One of the cook’s mother’s was sick and couldn’t take care of her kid, and so she had to bring her baby to work… they were just all taking shifts when they could so the employee could do her job.

One of the best parts of travel is seeing how some cultures differ from our own, and appreciating that their lifestyles include little things that we can learn from. And I think you can learn a lot about people by watching how they care for their kids, and kids in their community.

They are so grown up!

When our kids were young my wife and I had our travel systems to make everything go smoothly. I managed the bags, she managed the the passports, our kids had their backpacks, and we’d wiz through security lineups and seldom had any issues. Then I was usually the one with directions but my wife would take that rôle sometimes, like in France where she speaks the language and I don’t.

This trip to Spain and France my oldest daughter took full control of this. She is fluent in French and very capable in Spanish. She organized which buses and trains to take, what routes we took following Google, and when we drove an hour and a half down the coast in France, we took her car and she drove.

It was awesome to see her in full travel guide mode and I fully enjoyed taking the back seat (figuratively and literally in taxis) and having her run the show. I made sure she was ok with the responsibility and there was one evening in Spain when she said she didn’t want the responsibility and I took over, but other than that, she was in charge.

Our kids also planned events on our trip. We went to a Flamenco show in Barcelona and a tour of the Royal place in Madrid, both organized by our girls. And we went to a fancy restaurant on Christmas Eve and they treated.

It’s awesome to see your kids grow up to young adults. We said goodbye to our oldest this morning and my wife, youngest daughter, and I are on our way home. We had to hike several terminals over when we arrived in Paris for our connecting flight and my daughter pushed the luggage cart. These are small things but they make me a proud parent to see these independent young women contributing to our family adventures.

Workout whimper, not bang

We spent almost a full two days getting to Spain, having booked our trip to Paris first, then deciding to continue on to Barcelona rather than staying in France where my oldest is living. I was up at 4am on the Saturday morning and we didn’t get to our final destination until almost 8pm Sunday. I obviously didn’t get my workout routine in, then the next two days I woke up early and did pushups and leg raises to check off my daily workouts. I wrote about this in a post, The long game, and finished that post saying:

I’m not trying to run ultra marathons or have a bodybuilder physique. I’m actually going to let myself let loose and eat a bit more gluttonous while on vacation. But I’m also going to find time to exercise, I’m going to return home and be more thoughtful about my diet after my vacation. I’m going to keep playing the long game and not worry about minor fluctuations in my schedule. Because while there will be fluctuations, I’m going to keep a schedule of writing, meditation, and exercise. I’m not looking for quick gains, I’m just working on staying on a healthy path, knowing positive results are still to come… in time. Perseverance and the long game are the path I’m on.

But here is the confession, while I’ve done a lot of walking since then, I haven’t done my fitness routine at all and have only meditated a couple times. I’ve been out late with my family, and not waking up to do my routine. I’ve maintained my daily write, but mostly on the go, and when my family shops, or when we have down time between planned activities. My lack of exercise was more than a minor fluctuation, I’ve gone 10 days without a workout, which is the longest break in my streak since I started tracking in January 2019.

I’m not beating myself up about this, I’ll be back on track when I get back home. I just wanted to share because I think it’s important to share that while I’ve been on a pretty amazing fitness journey, it can have bumps and things don’t always work out as planned. After three years of dedication 2022 is ending on a whimper, not a bang, and while I’m on the worst streak of my 3 year journey, I’ll be back to my routine in the new year.

Things don’t always go as planned, and while things haven’t been great in the short term, I’m here for the long game and this blip will be over when I get home tomorrow… well maybe the next day since with time zone changes tomorrow will be longer than 24 hours and spent mostly on airplanes. The point is, I failed to keep a workout and meditation schedule while vacationing with my family, something I won’t get to do too often anymore now that my daughters are 23 and almost 21. I know I could have done more, but I didn’t. Things didn’t go as planned and that will happen. It did happen, but it won’t define any lasting pattern and I’ll be back at it in no time.

Airports and airplanes

Today we travel from Vancouver to Toronto to Paris to Barcelona. Including an early arrival to the airport, on one of the busiest travel days of the holiday, we will be traveling for 26 hours. Add another 9 hours on the clock to that for time zones and this makes for a looong day!

But we finally get to see our daughter, who turned 23 a couple days ago, for the first time since she moved to France. And our youngest daughter is with us, and this is our first family vacation in a few years.

We are going to spend a lot of time in airports and on airplanes… but I’m finally getting excited about the trip. And I’ve got a few episodes of a show downloaded on my iPad as well as 2 audio books on my phone. I have snacks, headphones, and AirPods, and a battery power bank to keep my devices charged. I’d like to just click my heels and arrive at my destination, but if I’m going to spend a whole day traveling, I might as well keep myself entertained.

Barcelona… here I come!

Anglicizing names

When my father’s father escaped the Ukraine and found his way to British Guyana he changed his last name from Trusu to Truss. When my mother was born in Barbados, her Polish last name was Birsztajn. But before her older twin sisters started school their parents, my grandparents, changed their name to Bernstein. Birsztajn was too hard to spell and pronounce. My grandmother on my dad’s side had her name changed by her parents from Ng Fong Hing to just Hing.

I grew up only knowing Truss, Bernstein and Hing. It wasn’t about trying to hide anything, it’s just what was adopted and accepted. None of these families tried to hide their heritage, they just wanted their names to fit more easily in the new countries they found themselves in.

I’m not sure that would happen as often today? Many people still change their first name to fit in, but few change their last name. It was just something that was done back then, and it speaks to the eclectic nature of my heritage that 3 of my 4 grandparents had anglicized last names.

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My 4th grandparent’s last name, my mother’s mom, was Gonsalves.

If I could turn back time

My oldest daughter leaves for France this morning. She’s going to teach English for 8 months in two very small neighbouring towns on the west coast of Bordeaux. I’m so excited for her, especially since she was supposed to spend a semester abroad in her third year of university and that was cancelled due to the pandemic. She is finally getting the trip she was hoping for 2 years after planning to go. It will be a wonderful adventure for her.

When I did my first university degree, it was in International Development and I told myself, “I’m not going to consider this degree complete until I travel to a developing nation and experience what I’m studying.” That didn’t happen. I ended up spending two years working as a lifeguard, and coaching and playing water polo 6 or 7 days a week, then I moved from Toronto to Vancouver. I didn’t end up doing any major travel until about 18 years after graduation, when I went to live in China.

I live a pretty content life with very little I regret, but if I could turn back time and do one thing differently, I would have travelled more when I was younger. If I could give advice to a younger me, that’s the big thing I’d share… (well, that and buy Apple stocks😀).

I see some high school students excited to head to university and they know exactly what they want to do. To them I think, ‘go for it, good for you!’ But I also see kids that just don’t know what they want to do. For them I think, ‘take a year off!’ Still apply for university if you want, then differ for a year. In both cases, travel and see a bit of the world before settling down in a job.

I didn’t become a teacher until I was 30. I have told both of my kids, “If you finish your degree, travel for 2 years, work for a year, do a whole other degree, and then do a year’s work at something you really wanted to try before finally starting a career… you’d still be ahead of my timeline.” When I’m done my career, I will still have had close to 30 years as an educator. I tell my kids there is time for a career after you try doing a few things you really want to do. And who knows, maybe the adventures you go on lead to a career you truly love.

I’m lucky to have a family and a career that bring me joy, and I know that if I had travelled more, I might never have met my wife and had my two wonderful kids. So I still actually don’t regret the choices I’ve made. But looking back at my younger self, I’d say ‘travel more’ would be the advice I’d give if I could whisper to myself half a lifetime ago.

24 years ago

On the 26th of August 1997 I proposed to my wife. Today we celebrate our 24th wedding anniversary. If I were to pick something as my best life decision my proposal to Ann would be it. I remember when we started dating, I was talking to my mom on the phone and told her, “I think I met the girl I’m going to mary, she just doesn’t know it yet.” And while I try to be the best husband I can be, my wife is giving and caring in a way I always aspire to be.

I am blessed, and I hope the next 24 years bring as much or more joy to me, to us, that we have had in the last quarter century. We live in an amazing country with fantastic opportunities for us and our kids. We have two amazing kids that are delightful to watch grow up, and who have grown into fantastic young women. We have great jobs that we love, and a beautiful home. And we have great friends that we both enjoy being around.

Today I don’t just celebrate my anniversary, I celebrate the wonderful lives my wife and I have built together.

Resonance

Strum a guitar near another guitar and the second guitar’s strings start to vibrate.

Jim Rohn says that ‘you are the average of the five friends you hang around with’. This resonates with me. This resonates like the guitar.

Even these words combine to resonate as you read them, some with understanding, some with agreement, some with doubt, some with disagreement… Once read, the words resonate.

What do you do when you come across someone that doesn’t resonate? Do you pluck your own strings harder, louder, so that you drown out the sound the other is creating? Do you try to hear what they resonate with? Do you try to find a way to mutually resonate? Do you leave them be?

We can strive to resonate, or we can choose dissonance. Consensus or conflict. We can create music or noise.

I know that I want to positively resonate with others, but I also find myself seeking dissonance and distance, from those that do not resonate with me. Dissonance when others resonate with hate, and harm others. Distance to showboating, antagonists, and stupidity.

Resonance, dissonance, and distance. There is a time and place for all three… but what I seek, what fills my heart is finding ways to resonate with family, friends, and those that I can assist and support. Seeking resonance fills me with harmony and gratitude, and I’m grateful for all the wonderful people that want to resonate with me.