Tag Archives: behaviour

The behaviour not the child

It is a simple thing to understand but not always an easy thing to do. When a kid messes up, you can focus on the behaviour that was inappropriate or you can address the kid as inappropriate. When you deal with the behavior, you give the kid a choice not to behave that way. When you deal with the kid, you are telling them that they are bad. Not what they did, they are bad.

What were you thinking? (That teenage brain probably wasn’t thinking.)

How could you do such a thing? (As opposed to ‘what other choices could you have made?’)

You should be ashamed of yourself! (Does the idea of shame make you feel resourceful and help you learn? I doubt it.)

Addressing the behaviour allows the kid to see that behaviour is a choice. Having them come up with alternate options is a way for them to see how their behaviour can change. It’s a way to help them see that the future can be different… just like in my 3rd part of an apology, students can see how a different behaviour can produce a more effective result.

You can be disappointed in a kid, but they need to know you are disappointed with their behaviour. Because if they decide that you are right, and they are just a disappointment… there isn’t the same incentive to change the behavior compared to if the kid feels empowered to change. If the kid feels like you believe they are not only capable of change but that the change is something you would expect from them, then the experience can lead to positive change… to positive changes in behaviour. A good kid can now show you that they made a bad choice.

A Quote on Judgement

“We judge others by their actions, but we judge ourselves by our intentions.”

I saw this quote and wondered who said it? I was lead by my search to Stephen Covey, “We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behavior.”

This made me think about all the things I have the good intention to say and to do, but I don’t follow through. Looking at this from the outside, there is no action, just unrealized intention. For example, I wanted to show my appreciation or write a thank you card, but never got around to it; good intentions, but to anyone else, no action. In fact, lack of action could actually be judged as lack of appreciation. My intentions were good but…

We very often don’t know another person’s intentions. We judge their behaviours and actions (or lack there of) and assume their intentions. And we know our intentions and don’t always see that our actions don’t represent what those intentions are.

This quote is a reminder not just to think about what another person’s intentions are, but also for us to think about how our actions truly represent our behaviours and actions to others. Are we living a congruent life where are actions demonstrate our intentions? Because good intentions are not enough if we aren’t expressing them.

Children see, children do

This clip is 15 years old now, but still as powerful as when it was made:

It reminds me not just of kids copying bad behaviour, but the fact that they do indeed copy a whole lot of what adults do. Ever see a kid talking on the phone, mimicking their parents, speaking in baby-talk even before they can construct sentences? Ever see kids pretend to go to work? Ever see kids pushing a much-too-big-for-them shopping cart in a grocery store, putting items into it?

Kids copy our behaviour. They copy our good habits, our patterns of speech, and our kindness. And like the video, they copy our biases, our prejudices, and our bad habits. We model the world for our kids.

A funny aside to this is that parents will think to themselves, “I’m going to be a better parent than my own.” They reflect on things their parents did and think of different or better ways to raise their own kids. But this hilarious cartoon describes the end result:

Jokes aside, it matters how good our parents were, and it matters how good we are as parents. Our kids will take from us some good values and lessons that we intentionally give them, but they will also take a multitude of lessons from watching us and learning from us whether we intend them to or not. We are their role models and what children see, children do.

It wouldn’t surprise me

I find it mind boggling that a day before the presidential election south of our border, I would not be surprised if I hear about bloodshed on Election Day. It wouldn’t surprise me to see partisan violence causing death in a open, democratic society, in the country touted as a symbol of freedom. How sad is that?

The FBI is investigating a Friday incident in Hays County, Texas, where a group of Trump supporters in trucks surrounded and followed a Biden campaign bus on I-35.1 At least one minor collision can be seen in footage of the incident. Texas Democrats canceled three scheduled events on Friday, citing “safety concerns.” Trump tweeted a video of the incident with the caption, “I LOVE TEXAS.”2 (Source)

When I read something like this, and see that the US president condones rather than criticizes the behaviour, I’m just flabbergasted! It’s like a principal of a school publicly congratulating a school yard bully. What behaviours can you expect to happen on the school yard after that?

How did we get here? What will the cost be tomorrow? Will people lose their lives trying to exercise their right to vote… in the USA… in 2020?

I really hope not, but at this point in time I wouldn’t bet against it. It just wouldn’t surprise me, and I find that very, very sad.

Expecting appropriate student behavior online

14 years ago was the first time that I tried blogging with students. Here is a quote from a blog post about the rules I created for this new online space:

There is one thing above all others that significantly impressed me with this experience: Students owning the learning, asking the important questions, and helping each other to learn. They showed an incredible willingness to contribute/share their ideas. 

I wasn’t sure what rules I should give around ‘Safe Blogging’ so I pared it down to some basics. In our school we have been slowly rolling out the ideas of Restitution and we have developed 4 basic beliefs: Respect, Safety, Inclusion, and Learning. So I thought why not use these beliefs as the guiding principles for the blogs and communities? 

The idea was simple. What rules and expectations do we apply to our school community? Those also apply in our digital spaces.

Now more than ever, we are going to see issues of behaviour in online learning spaces that are inappropriate? Why? Because we have students and educators who are new to these spaces who are learning as they go. It is important to talk about appropriate use and expectations, if you want to be proactive rather than reactive. But creating draconian rules and conditions won’t help. When I see this happening I always go back to a quote I first heard from my colleague, Dave Sands, “Laws create outlaws.”

Instead, think about what the underlying behaviour expectations are in classrooms and in schools? Then ask, how do these same expectations look online? The idea here is that digital citizenship is just citizenship. Digital spaces might be new frontiers for some educators and students, but they are frontiers in classroom learning spaces that have been around for a very long time. If we know how we want students to act in our classrooms, we also know how we want them to act in their digital classrooms.

When schools start in September, teachers create expectations for their class. Often this will involve conversations and even participation by students in determining what a good learning environment looks like. The same should apply to entering new online learning environments. The choice is simple, be proactive and explicit about expectations, or be reactive when things don’t go as expected… because the expectations aren’t clear.

One final thought, even when you lay out all the expectations, students will make mistakes. At this point a decision needs to be made: will the response be punitive or will the response be a learning opportunity?