Tag Archives: mental health

Not Firing All Cylinders

When your body isn’t working as smoothly as it should it’s hard to stay motivated. My back and neck issues continue to plague me, and I find it hard to give 100% to anything I do. My workouts have become mostly cardio and stretching, but at least I can do this maintenance. However it’s not just physical, mentally the injury is wearing me down.

It’s hard to keep my attention on something other than the discomfort and pain I feel. Moments like right now are rare, where I’m not actually aware of my shoulder or arm. I feel normal. But I’m going to get out of bed and slowly the pain will creep in. Still, I’m lucky because yesterday pain is what woke me up, and there was almost no break from it all day.

I have such sympathy and empathy for anyone and everyone that deals with pain regularly. I’m approaching 6 weeks of this and I’m finding it very hard to stay positive. Yet I know this will eventually pass. I know I’ll get all my cylinders up and running again. The trick is to care for myself now, and let my body heal. But until it does, it’s hard to think about other things clearly. When the pain is deep, the pain becomes topical… it sits on my mind and reminds me of its presence… it stays on my mind and doesn’t let me do anything without a reminder that my body is uncomfortable. When my body isn’t running well, neither is my mind, it’s not like they are separate operating systems, they both need to be working well. And that needs to be my main focus.

Flaked out

I spent almost the entire day on the couch. I watched the NCAA Women’s Championship basketball game, the first full sports event I’ve seen on television in years. I slept. I left my phone charging away from me a good part of the day. I slept some more.

I finally got off the couch and got on the treadmill at 5:30pm, and I’m back on it an hour and a half later writing this. Now the day wasn’t a total waste, I had a great Zoom conversation with my uncle early this morning. And I had a bit of work that needed to happen, but beyond that the day was spent on the couch doing nothing.

Normally I’d look at this day and think of the time on the couch as wasted. But not today. I’ve had very little sleep the last few weeks thanks to a back and shoulder issue. I’ve felt like I haven’t been running on all cylinders, and I needed some flake out time.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to get back to doing a whole lot of nothing for at least a couple more hours. Maybe I’ll end the evening with a hot tub. Guilt free pleasures on a Sunday night. And I have no regrets for taking the time to do not much of anything… completely guilt free.

Ready or not

It’s hard to believe I’m back to work tomorrow. I just wish I was running on all cylinders. My back and arm have been bugging me for weeks now and when the pain hits it’s all I can really think about. I have such incredible empathy for anyone who has to deal with pain every day. I know I’ll get through this and move back to normal, but for some people chronic pain is something they can expect every day.

The challenge for me is that unlike my usual back pain this is a pinched nerve and I’m getting referral pain causing my arm to ache. When it aches, that’s all I can really think about. It sits with me, both physically and mentally, taking up bandwidth in my brain.

My energy levels go way down and so does my ability to deal with things other than the discomfort I’m feeling. Today was a wasted day. I’d hoped to get a head start in things but I just didn’t have it in me. I have a Physio appointment set for after school tomorrow, I just hope the day goes better than today.

I’m reminded that I don’t look any different than I would if I wasn’t dealing with this pain and that’s something to remember when I’m at school… ready or not, students and staff will be showing up tomorrow, and some of them won’t be at their best, just like I might not be. We don’t always know the pain people are carrying, physically or emotionally. And that’s worth remembering even when I’m feeling great.

Disengaged

It’s apparent in schools, it’s apparent in the workforce… there are students and young adults who are disengaged with societal norms and constructs around school and work. They are questioning why they need to conform? Why they need to participate? There is a dissatisfaction with complying with expectations that schools is necessary, or that a ‘9-5’ job is somehow meaningful.

Some will buck the norm, find innovative alternatives, and create their own niches in the world. Others, many others, will struggle, wallow in unhappiness, and fight mental health demons that will leave them feeling defeated, or riddled with anxiety, or fully disengaged with a world they feel they don’t fit in. Some will escape this, some will find pharmaceutical ways to reduce or enhance their disconnect. Some of these will be doctor prescribed, others will be legally or illegally self-prescribed.

The fully immersive worlds of addictive, time-sucking on-demand television series, first-person online games, and glamorous, ‘living my best life’, ‘you will never be as happy as me’ illusions on social media certainly don’t help. Neither does unlimited access to porn, violence, and anti-Karen social justice warriors dishing out revenge and hate in the name of justice. The choices are fully immersed, unhappily jealous, or infuriatingly angry… and disengaged with the world. Real life is not as interesting, and not as engaging as experiences that our technological tools can provide. School is hard, a full day at work is boring, and it’s easier to disengage than participate.

The question is, will this disengaged group find their way? Or will they find themselves in their 30’s living in their parent’s basements or subsisting on minimal income, working only enough to survive, and never enough to thrive?

School and work can’t compete with the sheer entertainment value this group gets from disengaging, so what’s the path forward? We can’t make them buy in if they refuse, and we can’t let school-aged students wallow in a school-less escapes from an engaged and full life. I don’t have any solutions, but I have genuine concerns for a growing number of disengaged young adults who seem dissatisfied with living in a world they don’t feel they can participate meaningfully in.

What does the future hold for those who disengage by choice?

Good head space

After writing History Repeats yesterday I’ve had a couple people ask if I’m feeling ok, or in a good head space? Reading it again today I can see how that post can be interpreted as gloomy and dark. But that was just a mood after watching Fidler on the Roof and hearing the dedication afterwards to the people of Ukraine. It isn’t an overarching mental state.

But being asked makes me realize that by sharing a daily blog, I probably give readers a sense of my overall head space by the tone and temperament of the things I share… and writing a post about how we are no more civilized than an ant colony can certainly come off as a gloomy disposition.

Well in this case it’s not. I’m in a good space. I’m getting over a nasty cold, and am slowly but incrementally better each day. As a result I’m exercising regularly again (something I couldn’t do without a coughing fit two and three weeks ago). And I’ve had some good quality time with my wife and friends that I haven’t had when I couldn’t talk without coughing.

So, yes, yesterday’s post was gloomy, but it was a momentary mood, and not a state-of-the-nation address forecasting dark and gloomy days ahead. It was a reaction to an experience, and even though it was kind of dark, the experience of seeing Fiddler on the Roof performed live, with friends, was wonderful.

Overall head space right now: pretty good! 😁👍

Not all cylinders firing

It has been well over a week since I was hit with this cough and it is still wiping me out. I went home at lunch yesterday and slept for over an hour before I could do anything remotely productive. This morning my cough isn’t sounding a whole lot better. I’m reminded of the chronic fatigue that hit me a few years ago.

I wrote We are One recently, about the interconnectedness of our minds and bodies. It only takes an experience like this to understand how our brains are affected by the wellness of our bodies. It’s not just that I’m coughing, it’s that my whole body is working to get better.

I’ve heard a number of people tell me they’ve had similar coughs and it took two weeks before they started to recover. I’ll keep going to bed early, drink a lot of fluids, and keep the Tylenol flu medicine flowing to prevent a sinus infection that I tend to be prone to… and hopefully my body (and mind) will be running on all cylinders soon.

We are One

There are two ways that we separate ourselves from ourselves that I think does more harm than good:

  • Body and Mind
  • Conscious Mind and Unconscious Mind

We are one person. We have one mind, (one conscience). One.

There is tons of evidence that suggests our body influences our mind, from obvious feelings of pain distracting us and making it hard to think, to evidence that our gut biome can influence our thoughts. Our mind and body aren’t just connected, they are One.

There are also huge debates about whether we have free will or not because you can connect someone’s brain to sensors and determine the answer to a question you ask them before they are consciously aware of an answer. That’s not actually proof of some sort of determinism, it’s only significant if you separate the conscious mind from the unconscious… if you suggest they are not the same person making the decision. Our conscious and unconscious minds aren’t just connected, they are One.

Have you ever heard, “Your body is your temple”? No it isn’t, your body is you, your mind is you, it’s all you. When your body is sick, you are sick, heal all of you. When your mind is spiralling to dark places, it’s all of you that is spiralling. That’s why exercise can make you feel better. That’s why looking up (literally lifting your head up) or going for a walk can make you feel better. It’s why physical touch, like a hug, or emotional support from a friend can make you feel better mentally and physically.

Ever notice how a friend or a team can push you to physical feats you couldn’t do on your own (in the gym or in a high stakes game)? Mind and body are One.

We break ourselves up into separate objects and I think that does more to harm us than to help us… and I haven’t even spoken about spirit or spirituality, but you can guess my thoughts on this unnecessary separation… we are all One.

80 Crunches

In January of 2021 my buddy Dave Sands and I decided to do the Coquitlam Crunch, an uphill trek along the power lines on the north side of our city. It includes a segment with 450+ steps, and at the top we take a small circular detour that makes the walk feel more like a round trip than just up then down again. We started doing this at the height of the pandemic when we really weren’t socializing at all, and this was a great place to meet that was outdoors, or we would not have gotten together.

We enjoyed it so much that we made it a weekly event. Early on it was every Friday, rain, shine, and even snow. Later, we switched to Saturday mornings, and we treat ourselves to breakfast at Starbucks afterwards. Today we did our 80th walk together since we started.

That’s 400 kilometres we’ve travelled. But it’s not about the distance, it’s the time together that really matters. We naturally and unintentionally created a routine of ‘talking shop’ (talking about work) at the start of the walk, and usually ending that part of the conversation by the time we reach the top of the stairs, barely half way up. Then the rest of the walk is filled with conversations about life, the universe, everything, and anything.

When we started, this was like therapy. We had been bottled up with pandemic restrictions and just having someone outside our tiny family bubble to talk to was such a boost to our mental health. While it still serves that purpose, it’s also so much more. I’m looking forward to keeping this tradition going, and hitting milestones like 100 Crunches and 1,000 kilometres… and beyond.

What’s a tradition that you have with family or friends that you plan to keep for a very long time?

Nature’s Hug

I did my weekly morning walk with my buddy, also named Dave, this morning. We do the Coquitlam Crunch which is in uphill walk that includes 400+ steps and, for us, is a 25-26 minute walk up. We do a little turn-off on the trail just before the top. This takes us down a short hill then it goes up and over the top of the Crunch on a dirt path behind some houses and surrounded by trees.

I commented that I love this little detour we take and Dave suggested this was because it was like a hug. We go from a more open, paved path to a dirt path with tall trees all around us. “It’s like we are getting nature’s hug,” he suggested.

I like this idea. That’s exactly what it feels like. I’ve heard of phrases like nature or forest bathing, which is more of a full sensory experience of being out in nature, but this is different. It’s shorter and less about seeking an experience. Rather, it’s just stepping into a forest and momentarily feeling the path closing in, but in a gentle loving way… like a hug.

I’m going to be thinking about this every time we go on this walk now, and also as I enter the 5km walk I do with my wife in a nearby park that is filled with beautiful, tall trees. I’m not just getting a walk in, I’m also getting a hug from nature – nature’s hug.

Unrealistic expectations

It has been over 2 months since I shot an arrow. No surprise that my session today went a little rough. It was going to be a total bust until I decided to halve my usual distance and start shootings at 10-ish yards rather than my usual 20 yards (18m). Then I was able to relax a bit more and focus on the finer details of my shot rather than trying to hard to shoot well at a longer distance.

I lowered my expectations of what I could do and suddenly I shot better… still not what I used to be able to do, but I could hit the 10-ring consistently enough to relax my focus on the target and pay attention to my shot process. When expectations are too high only disappointment prevails.

I realize now that I need to think of my workouts the same way. Recently, while cleaning out my garage, I spent some time looking back over old photos. These included ones from the Maccabiah Games in Israel back in ’93. I trained the hardest I’ve ever trained and was the fittest I’ve ever been.

Seeing these photos, I looked down at the small donut ring below my belly button and it got me feeling crappy. I was literally thinking over the past few days, “I’ll never look like that again!” And honestly, it was getting me down a bit.

But the archery session has helped me reframe this. I don’t need to be the fittest I’ve ever been at 54, I need to be fit for 54. Big difference. It’s not about having low expectations, no, it’s about not having unrealistic expectations. I’m not going to be 26 fit. I’m not going to shoot a great round in archery after taking more than 2 months off.

I will have fun with my archery and make myself a little better each time. I’m going to keep working out and taking care of my aging body by keeping it fit and healthy… and again, have fun doing it. I’ll set goals for myself, but I won’t set myself up for failure with unrealistic expectations.