Tag Archives: meditation

Read Fiction

It was probably the January semester, 1989 that I took a Rural Extension course on Leadership, at the University of Guelph, when I met Professor Al Laozon. He was my first prof to have us call him by his first name. The first prof to have us sit in a circle, despite there being about 24-26 of us in the class. He listened as much as he talked. And he quickly became a friend.

Al had us read The Tao of Leadership, which to this day is still one of my favourite books, and one that I call my ‘Leadership Bible’.

And while his class was one of my more memorable courses at university, it was his office hours chats that I most enjoy and remember. They were filled with insights and wisdom, but also with the things friends talk about, like our childhoods and stories of family members.

Yesterday I wrote a post about my struggles with going through the motions of my healthy living routines with low energy and effort. It helps me to share these things ‘out loud’ and I was able to push my workout harder than I have in weeks as a result. But another benefit of sharing is getting insights from readers, and Al was kind enough to share a comment. With respect to mediation I said,

“I’ve missed more meditations in the last 6 weeks than I’ve missed for the rest of the year. When I do meditate, it’s more like I am am having a quiet moment to think about random things. I can’t seem to focus on my breath any more than I could when I started my daily meditation routine almost 3 years ago.”

And to this Al said,

“Our routines, like life in general, ebbs and flows of its own accord. Be patient. I have had a meditation practise since 1991 and some days are good and other days, well the monkeys are running amok in the “store” despite my desire for them to quiet themselves. Somedays you just go with it.“

I also said, about listening to audiobooks,

“I’m an avid audio book listener, and I usually get through almost a book a week unless I am reading something that’s really long, then it could be two weeks. But I just took three weeks to listen to a 5-hour long book, and didn’t feel I got as much out of it as I had hoped.” And later added, “I’ll start a fictional novel even though I usually wait for the holidays to choose a book that I’m not learning from.”

To which Al commented,

“As for reading fiction, there is much to be learned from fiction. As I have often said, novelists often have more insight into humans and their behaviour than do the best of social scientists. Do not deprive yourself of that which can offer insight, nor dismiss it as simple entertainment or distraction. The arts offer much in terms of insights into our collective journey. After all, there is no greater means of learning than a good story, be it true or fabrication. I recently wrote elsewhere that science offers us knowledge, but the arts offer us truth. I will take truth any day over knowledge.”

All these years later, and miles apart, but Al is still my teacher, advisor, and wise friend, sharing insights I need to hear.

Usually I only ‘let myself’ read fiction on holiday breaks. But I’ve been drawn a lot more to fiction in the last couple years. It started a couple Christmas breaks ago when I received some free ebooks from Audible and I listened to a science fiction novel and got hooked into an epic series. Then I listened to a couple books that I never would have selected for myself, just because they were free… and I loved them. But reading fiction outside the holidays always came with a little self-imposed guilt.

Not anymore. Al’s words have given me permission to indulge guilt free. I will choose more fiction. Let me know if you have a favourite you’d like to share.

“Science offers us knowledge, but the arts offer us truth. I will take truth any day over knowledge.” ~ Al Lauzon

Waves and fluctuations

I’m an avid audio book listener, and I usually get through almost a book a week unless I am reading something that’s really long, then it could be two weeks. But I just took three weeks to listen to a 5-hour long book, and didn’t feel I got as much out of it as I had hoped.

One of my healthy living goals this year was to shoot arrows 100 days of the year. I’ve far exceeded that target, but last week I only shot once, and I think I might only get to shoot once this week. The long gaps have led me to be more inconsistent and two out of the last three outings have produced some of my lowest scores in months.

I’ve been doing really well in the gym and have added a few pounds in the past few months, but the past couple weeks I’ve been missing a few workouts or I’m working out, but not really pushing myself.

I’ve missed more meditations in the last 6 weeks than I’ve missed for the rest of the year. When I do meditate, it’s more like I am am having a quiet moment to think about random things. I can’t seem to focus on my breath any more than I could when I started my daily meditation routine almost 3 years ago.

I know that I can’t always be doing everything at my best, but usually the fluctuations vary and I am doing some things well while struggling in other areas. The only thing I’m still doing consistently is writing daily… but I’m finding that I’m quite slow and everything else in my morning routine needs to be rushed.

This isn’t some bigger issue that I’m aware of, I’m not feeling depressed or sad. I’m just in the wave trough of effort and enthusiasm of my routines, and hopefully going to move up to the crest soon. It’s just unusual to find myself ‘down here’ in so many aspects at once. I tend to find some balance that is missing. The question is, what do I do to get out of it? Do I focus on just one thing? Do I wake up earlier and give myself more time? Do I just accept the fluctuations and allow myself another week of going through the motions, knowing that I’ll find my way back, knowing that I can’t always bring my ‘A’ game to everything I do?

My indifference to trying to get out of this rut suggests to me that I need to allow myself this time. I’ll make sure that I don’t miss another meditation. I’ll try to see if I can get an extra session of shooting arrows in this week, even if it’s for half the time I usually shoot for. I’ll start a fictional novel even though I usually wait for the holidays to choose a book that I’m not learning from. None of these are huge steps, but each of them offer me an opportunity to move from trough to crest in one of these areas that I seem to be under-performing in.

The Wakeful Lucid Dream

When I was in my early 20’s I went through a period where I had trained myself to lucid dream. It was challenging because often, when I discovered I was dreaming, I’d get excited and wake up, ruining the experience. When it worked, it was amazing! The thing that I enjoyed doing the most was flying.

Last night I had a unique experience. I went to the spare room late at night to meditate, because I wrote for too long in the morning and didn’t have time to both meditate and exercise as part of my morning routine. I lay down rather than sat up and ended up falling asleep with my phone on my chest, moments after hearing the guided meditation end.

Shortly after dozing off I opened my eyes and my body was frozen. I couldn’t willfully move a muscle. I could see my chest rising with my phone on it. I could even see that the reflection in my turned off phone changed with my breathing. However, I couldn’t move a single muscle no matter how hard I tried, because I was still asleep. The first time this happened to me decades earlier, it was a frightening ordeal. But this time as I struggled to raise my hands, I felt them dislodge from my locked body and lift up in my dream state, despite not seeing them move. This control of an invisible body let me know that I was still dreaming. I was dreaming with my eyes open, aware of my body on the bed, phone on my chest, fingers clasped just above my belt buckle.

It didn’t last long, I sat up in my dream and visually I switched to the dream world, seeing a mirror directly in front of me, and looking at my reflection. I wasn’t sure what I should do so I tried to fly. I floated towards the door of the room, got excited to be flying and found myself looking at my waking body, suddenly no longer locked in the sleeping position.

I wiggled my fingers. I saw my phone on my chest, and could see that as my chest raised and fell with my breath, there was a reflection of a picture on the wall that moved in the dark screen. Remembering seeing this movement made me realize that while I was sleeping I wasn’t just dreaming that I could see my body, I actually had my eyes open and was aware of my body.

This was a short but very freaky experience. I was dreaming with my eyes open, simultaneously aware of seeing my physical body and also aware that I had no control over it my my dream state. I’m not sure I’ll be able to replicate this, especially since I had nodded off with the light on, but on most nights if I opened my eyes and saw the world while I dreamt, it would be dark with little detail to see.

I’m going to spend the next few nights trying to see if I can start to lucid dream again. The strategy that worked for me years ago was to tell myself before bed that if I noticed I was dreaming to simply lift my palm in from front of my face. If I could do this in a dream, that meant I had control of my dream… and that meant I could fly!

Sometimes I had to flap my arms other times I could just soar at will. Last night for a brief moment I got to float, and I want to feel the sensation of flying again. I’m not sure I can replicate the wakeful, eyes open, aware of my body sensation while dreaming again? But hopefully I can once again start controlling my dreams and taking to adventures in the air.

One dot day

Last Friday was a one sticker day for me. It was my first this year. I have been keeping a sticker chart of daily goals since January 2019. This year I give myself stickers for:

• Meditation (10 min. minimum)

• Exercise (20 min. cardio & a little weights or stretching)

• Writing (this daily blog)

• Archery (with a goal of 100 days this year)

On Friday morning I wrote my post and then got distracted with work emails and didn’t exercise or meditate. I thought I’d come home and make it up. I didn’t. That was the fourth meditation I missed out on in three weeks, whereas I had an over 130 day streak going around this time last year. So I recorded my only one sticker day this year.

Remembering that the best time to start a new streak is right now… I had two four-dot days this weekend, and while I won’t be shooting arrows today, I’ll meditate and exercise right after setting this post to be published this morning. Letting my meditation slide a bit has been a bad habit, and I’ll work on changing that for the rest of the year.

The sticker chart has been life changing for me. It seems simple, but with it I don’t overestimate what I’ve done in a week. It keeps me honest, and it keeps me motivated. No more one dot days for me!

Meditation plateau

I’ve hit a flat spot in my meditation. I’m letting my mind slip for long periods, and even nodding off. I can’t seem to stay focussed, and no matter how much I tell myself that refocusing on my breath after distraction is a part of meditation, I find myself frustrated at my lack of ability to focus… although this frustration does come after I’m done, rather than in the moment.

I think I need to find time in my week to extend my meditation past 10 minutes. I think that I’ve created a pattern of 10 minutes of relaxation, not meditation. I need to get past this plateau rather than just get comfortable on it.

I thought after 2 years of consistency I’d feel more accomplished at getting into a meditative state… but this monkey brain seems a bit slow to learn, or rather, a bit too busy to be quieted. Whatever I decide do, it needs to be different than what I’m doing now, if I want to see and feel an improvement.

Before the sun rises

Today was the first day in a very long time that my alarm went off before sunrise. Part of this is getting back into a routine before work, part of it is that the days are a little shorter as we head into fall. It took me a while to actually get started this morning. I literally could have woken up 45 minutes later, because none of my usual routine got started until then. It’s amazing how slow I can be, how easily distracted, when I’m off of a routine. Put me on a routine and I get stuff done. Remove the routine and I lose focus.

This makes me think about a typical day at work. How much of it is me focusing on the next issue or concern that arises versus getting what I need done? Some days the answer to that is quite surprising. I had a vice principal tell me years ago, “You know, being a VP is really just a 3-4 hour a day job. The problem is that you usually can’t get most of that done between 8am and 4pm. That was a vice principal in a school that also had a principal. When you are the lone principal in a building this can be even more challenging with more duties and less time.

That’s why I get up so early. I write for this blog (usually by 6:00 even though I publish it a bit later). I meditate for 10 minutes. I do 20 minutes of cardio followed by 10-15 minutes of stretching and/or weights. I get stuff done for me, before the distractions of the day start… and as the days get shorter, before the sun rises.

It’s a wonderful feeling of accomplishment to do these things for myself before my work day begins; before the unexpected distractions of my typical day; before I get home exhausted and full of excuses as to why I should skip one of these activities. After a very routine-less holiday, it’s going to take me a while to get used to this. But eventually I’ll fall back into the routine of waking up in the dark and getting my mental and physical well-being taken care of before the sun comes up.

Mindfulness is witnessing the dance

“Life is a dance. Mindfulness is witnessing that dance.” ~ Amit Ray

Today’s meditation was about meditation as a means to become a witness, and thus using meditation as a way to disconnect and observe rather than experience.

While I understand that meditation can be used to do this in a positive way, I wonder how many people bare witness to their own lives without actually living, not feeling anything? Kids cutting themselves because that’s when the feel the most; zombies moving through life from sleep to work to alcohol and/or television before sleeping again; people bitter about the hand life dealt them, who live in disappointment, numb to everything around them; lonely people, who may or may not actually be alone.

I think too many people are already witnesses to their own lives. I’m not saying meditation isn’t a good way to do this, but I wonder how many people need to do the reverse? I know that there are times in my own life where I’ve felt like I was existing rather than living, the observer rather than participant, but family and friends are good at snapping me out of this.

The unexamined life may not be worth living, but there can also be paralysis by analysis. You can watch a surfer and see all their moves, you can know everything about the wave, it’s energy and flow, but if it’s you on the surfboard, it’s probably best to be enjoying the ride than trying to witness it.

Happy surfing!

Breaking routines

The past few weeks have been challenging for me to maintain my healthy living goals. My exercise has been the bare minimum, I missed a meditation day, and I’ve only shot arrows twice in the last 2 weeks. Daily blogging is the only think I haven’t missed.

I can blame getting busy at the end of the year, but I know I could have done better. What’s worse is that I’m heading into a summer where my routines are going to be completely disrupted. For one thing, I’ll be out of town a lot without my bow, and so I’m going to get very little shooting time. Beyond that, I’ll be without my home gym.

I thrive on routine to keep my healthy living goals, and this summer is going to be a challenge and a test for me. I will need to figure out a routine that works, and stick with it, or I know my healthy living chart will be a disappointment. I have 2 months ahead that I need to show discipline… that I need to plan, such that my fitness is actually a priority and not just an afterthought.

This will especially be a challenge because my motivation has been low, and my workouts have been about maintenance and doing the minimum. I think I’ll have to find a new goal or two to work on. I should state those here because I know making my goals public pushes me, but the goals in my head right now aren’t ones that I think I’m actually ready to make and stick with. If I’m not honest with myself, I’m not ready to declare something I won’t stick to.

So I’m heading forward without a routine and without specific goals. This is not ideal. I’ll hit all 4 targets today, and I’ll do the same tomorrow, but if I don’t set up routines by my first trip at the end of this week, I know I’m going to disappoint myself. That’s not a great feeling, but it’s honest, and so this is a goal I need to set over the next few days. I don’t do well taking care of myself when I get off of my routines, and if I’m not careful, this is going to be a routine-less summer.

Cloudy thinking

Yesterday at my archery practice my thoughts were my enemy. I got into a negative flow of thinking that I couldn’t break. It seemed as though every thought I had related to reasons why I would not hit the center of the target. My scores weren’t horrible, but they also weren’t anything close to what I’m capable of. It wasn’t so much the score that bothered me, it was my inability to get out of a negative loop of thinking.

I often wonder what goes through other people’s heads when they think. Are their minds as busy as mine? Do they have a constant internal dialogue that doesn’t shut up? For me, there is always a dialogue going on, and it isn’t always helpful. I sometimes wonder if I have some kind of attention deficit issue, with my mind bouncing from idea to idea.

Sometimes I feel like this is a super power, because I can make lateral connections to things others don’t see. Other times it’s more like a disability, with an inability to truly focus. And still other times (though less common) my thoughts can sink me into a zone of singular focus. This can happen when I’m writing, and I can start to put words on paper, intuitively knowing the beginning, middle, and end, before the world can get from my mind to the page. I love these moments, but they don’t come often.

What comes most often is a busy, somewhat clouded mind that is easily distracted. One that requires constant reminding to stay on task. I’ve figured out how to manage this, how to be effective, even when my mind wants to wander and wonder. But sometimes, like yesterday’s archery practice, I become my own worst enemy. I try to convince myself that I can focus and get away from the negative thoughts, but I can’t. Negative thoughts prevail. Negative internal dialogue persists.

I can get this way with meditation too. I can get so that every attempt to focus on my breath lasts only seconds before I’m fighting off distraction. And then the distractions become the only thing I can think of. These sessions don’t prove to be very meditative. They become 10 minutes of thinking that I need to be better at mediating, rather than actual meditation.

Yesterday, a clouded mind took over my archery practice. I didn’t practice archery, I practiced the art of negative thinking. The art of getting in my own way. The art of distraction. I need to learn a strategy to get my head out of these dark clouds when they come. I need to metaphorically clear the skies, and let the sun shine through… or at least pack an umbrella.

Ocean waves

The ocean has always spoken to me. I love the sound of waves gently crashing on the shore. When I do my morning meditation I have the sound of the ocean in the background. Today as the meditation was ending, I thought of a shoreline and how it is a great metaphor for constant change.

A shoreline is an interesting idea. It is something that can not be measured accurately. The more you zoom in, the longer the shoreline is. From a far distance, the shore on a straight stretch of a beach is almost a straight line. Zoom in and you see an uneven wavy line. Move closer still and within that wavy line are small ebbs and flows, and closer still we see yet a rougher edge, with water moving unevenly across the sand. If you try to measure that shoreline, every zoom in gives you more zigs and zags to measure, lengthening the distance.

The shoreline constantly changes, and still remains a shoreline. We constantly change, yet we remain ourselves. We follow patterns we create over years of being who we are, yet we always have the opportunity to express ourselves differently, to zig and zag in ways we have not done so before. What is certain is that we change over time, but we tend to follow patterns in our lives just like shorelines tend to follow patterns. The difference is that we can make choices, but the ocean must follow set laws of energy, gravity, and viscosity to determine where the shoreline is. We on the other hand can determine how we will move next.

Most often we will follow the patterns we have laid out before us, but sometimes… sometimes we can break free and choose to create a whole new shoreline for ourselves. We have the power to do so, but more often than not, we listen to the waves, we don’t make them.