Writing is my artistic expression. My keyboard is my brush. Words are my medium. My blog is my canvas. And committing to writing daily makes me feel like an artist.
I’ve struggled with my morning meditation recently. My mind drifts and wanders, and I can’t seem to keep my thoughts on my breath for more than 30 seconds. Today was the 3rd day in a row that my mind wandered so much that I could barely call it meditation.
I like the Calm App, and use the 10 minute Daily Calm meditation. It starts with focussing on your breathing and for the last couple minutes there is always a lesson or topic that Tamara Levitt shares. Today’s was on Mudita. However I can’t tell you what that means despite the fact that I’m writing this immediately after meditating. I have no idea what Tamara spoke about? My mind had drifted for the entire lesson.
I know that bringing my focus back to my breath is meditation as much as staying focused. In the past couple years I’ve gotten better at doing this without being angry at myself, and understanding that this is a natural part of meditation. I’ve also started catching myself drift and bringing my thoughts back to my breath before Tamara reminds me. But my past few sessions have all seemed to involve my mind drifting, and me completely forgetting that I’m meditating. Then I catch myself and almost immediately drift again, unaware that I’m doing this. I’m hoping that writing this, and thinking about my intentions to stay focused will help… but I’m also open to suggestions.
“…the pandemic also has many thinking about coping and not thriving, being safe and not being creative.”
The pandemic has opened the door to look at things differently, but a year into this, my creative juices have slowed. I think about ideas and I see roadblocks. I tell students they can’t do things because of safety, rather than trying to get to ‘Yes’. I hold off on interesting projects that would add things to other’s plates. I feel my excitement wane when I get together for another online meeting, even if I like the topic of discussion.
I feel that opportunity is meeting fatigue. There is a saying that every grey cloud has a silver lining… but some grey clouds hide that silver lining. Sometimes the rain doesn’t even let you see the clouds. Right now the metaphorical rains are pouring for me. I’m getting work done, but I’m not thriving at work. I’m exercising regularly, but I’m going through the motions, in maintainance mode, rather than pushing myself. I’m writing daily, but I’m not getting lost in the creative act. I’m listening to a book, but not feeling like I’m enjoying it, and bouncing to podcasts that I’d normally love, but find my mind wondering, unfocused as I listen.
On Monday there was great news about how fast the vaccine would be coming to all Canadians that want it. It should have been exciting news, but I find myself doubting the timelines. In all honesty, I don’t know if I’m truly doubtful based on facts, or if I need to be doubtful because it would be painful to see that silver lining ahead of me and then be crushed that it does not come to fruition. I’d rather be pleasantly surprised than devastatingly disappointed.
“…the pandemic also has many thinking about coping and not thriving, being safe and not being creative.”
‘Many’ includes me. I’m seeing a lot of grey and not a lot of silver right now. I need to give myself permission to be in maintenance mode… To focus on caring for myself and those around me, and not beat myself up for coping rather than thriving.
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Postscript: I read this (long but well worth reading) article after writing the post above, and it struck a cord with me:
One thing that I didn’t balance with my thoughts above is that there are so many people who have handled this pandemic poorly, including those leading us, that in a way ‘coping’ is succeeding. We aren’t just fighting the pandemic, we are fighting misinformation, ignorance, and leadership choosing to follow the science only as far as political and economic agendas will allow… all clouds that hide the silver lining (and the hope for it).
My goal is to see some normalcy in early 2022. Anything before that isn’t just silver, it’s gold!
“The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn.” ~ Alvin Toffler
I love this quote, it speaks to the need to embrace change, and to understand that best practice is still just practice. However as easy as it is to understand this idea, it’s much harder to acclimate to. Especially the unlearning part.
I’ve been back into archery since the winter break, got a personal best score of 280 recently, and have been able to duplicate that score a second time. (Scoring is 10 rounds of 3 arrows, with a max score of 10 points per arrow, totalling 300 for a perfect score.) However, I was using a very bad technique with my thumb squeezing the trigger rather than using backward tension on my hand and arm to trigger the release. Since trying to do this properly, I’ve been struggling more and scoring between 267 and 274.
Today I scored a 267, but I was also able to score an X-X-10 three times while practicing. I had been unable to score a perfect 30 in a round for weeks. (An ‘X’ is 10 points but also signifies that I was able to get the arrow in or on the line of the center ‘X’ ring that is the size of a penny, shooting from 18m or 20 yards away.)
While trying to work on my release these past couple weeks, my scores have been lower, and my ability to hit the ‘X’ has been infrequent. But I know that if I continue to punch the trigger with my thumb, I will not shoot nearly as high of a personal best score in the future. My trigger pulling could show some short term gains, but those gains will limit me later on. The problem is, as I unlearn doing this, my scores have gone down.
Unlearning something is hard. Right now there are many things I need to focus on, and when I’m trying to change my muscle memory, my other muscles do funny things. For instance, my bow hand has been gripping the bow tighter, rather than being relaxed, while I think about my back-tension release. And when I relax my hand after drawing, I find it hard to not relax my arm, causing me to have less tension holding my bow ‘hard against the wall’, meaning keeping pressure on the bow’s cams at the back of a full draw.
Without talking about archery technique specifically: while I focus on unlearning a bad habit, my body, accustomed to doing things wrong, doesn’t know how to put all the good moves together. Unlearning one technique means not just learning something new, but also relearning other things as they related to the old vs new learning.
This dip in my scores is part of the unlearning process, and it’s not easy to go through. When we practice new skills, we want to see a quick payoff. But sometimes we need to recognize that unlearning isn’t nearly as easy as learning, and the payoff comes from the practice itself, and not immediate progress. I can focus on my technique, and unlearning a bad habit, or I can worry about my score right now… what I can’t do is both at the same time.
I’m on cloud 9 after shooting a 280 in archery today! I thought it would be a long time to get here. In fact, six days ago I hit my personal best of 270 and this is what I shared here on my blog,
So now I have set a new goal of 275, with no score of 7 or lower on any arrow. Next after that will be a 280 with no score of 8 or lower.
I did have five 8’s, so I didn’t completely jump to my second goal, but I leapt right over my first goal.
Here is today’s journal entry:
I don’t know how long it will take to repeat this, but I’m going to enjoy the moment and celebrate these victories while they are coming faster than expected. No new goals for now, just consistency. I still have to achieve this score without any 8’s. After that I know the improvements will slow, but for now, I’ll just keep this childish grin going… and celebrate a surprise success!
In the summer of 2016 I took up archery. It was a goal of mine for many years, but it took going through 6 months of chronic fatigue to convince myself to actually follow through. Before getting a diagnosis and path back to being healthy I had many, “Is this the rest of my life?” depressing thoughts, on exhausted days of constant tiredness. Recovering from this, I realized that if I didn’t start archery then, I probably wouldn’t ever start.
Fast forward to 2018 when my job intensified and I dropped archery, but at the start of 2019, started myself on a health kick. Now, for 2021, part of my healthy living goals includes 100 days of archery, (that’s an average of 1.9 days/week over the year). And today I shot my 11th day in the first 24 days of the year, so I’m well on my way.
A 300, or ten rounds of 3 arrows with a maximum score of 10 per arrow, would would be a perfect score. So now I have set a new goal of 275, with no score of 7 or lower on any arrow. Next after that will be a 280 with no score of 8 or lower. At that point I’m looking at only hitting the yellow circle of a Vegas target every time. (For scale, the yellow 9-ring is about 3 inches or less than 7¾cm diameter, and the tiny X-ring inside the 10 is about the size of a penny.)
The challenge now is that each goal is incrementally decreasing the range of error, while also being exponentially harder to do! Today was the first day that I scored 2 rounds in one day, and my first score was a lousy 250, with three 7’s and one complete miss (outside the blue 6-ring). I’m not consistent yet at 270 and while I might hit a lucky 275 soon, it could be weeks or months before I’m consistently hitting all shots inside the 8-ring.
As I get better, individual improvements will take longer and longer. Three things are helping me right now.
Improvements are still coming quickly, so I’m seeing rewarding results.
I have some good coaching from someone significantly better than me.
I’m exceeding my expectations around how often I’m practicing.
So, being keenly aware that things will get harder; that it will be more and more challenging to hit my targets, I am going to take the time and celebrate when I hit my goals.
Today I moved my archery target about 2/3rds closer. Of course my shooting was much more accurate, but that’s not the point. With the stress of hitting a bulls eye at 20 meters removed, and the target itself being so much larger, I could focus on my release much more. I’m still new enough at archery that I need to think a lot about what I’m doing, and the one aspect of my shot that my brain wants to focus on most is my aim. Doing so, I often forget about my release and squeeze the trigger rather than using the back tension of my arm. So, 15 minutes after moving the target closer, I found myself hitting the bulls eye, and also doing the things I want to do with my release.
How often do we move the targets closer for our students who struggle? How often do we give them the chance to succeed on smaller tasks, on their way to more challenging ones? Yes, we often do this in Math. But where else is this strategy useful? How else can we move the targets closer, help students find success, then make the task progressively more challenging?
I’m loving my return to archery. I now realize that when I readjust my healthy living goals for 2021, they will need to include finding time to shoot arrows. Just like I created time for writing and exercise over the past couple years, I need to carve out some regular time to shoot. Over this week the first thing I’ll do is figure out a way to do so indoors at home… that’s not just safe, but safe in my wife’s eyes.
These last couple of sessions, I’ve been working on my release. With a compound bow, the goal is not to squeeze the trigger with your thumb, but rather to pull your entire arm back and have the back tension of your arm and hand cause your thumb to trigger the release. To do this, your hand needs to be relaxed, your thumb needs to be securely around the trigger, and your back tension should cause the release such that the release surprises you. Being comfortable with this surprise takes getting used to, and so does the idea of not squeezing your thumb.
Body:
It’s interesting when you learn a new skill how easy it is to fill your conscious mind with everything except what you need to focus on. I want to be surprised by the trigger release, but my body is waiting, anticipating it, and taking my attention away from my focus on my release. I want to relax my sight, and let the scope pin float around the target center, but my thumb bounces on the trigger when I see the pin dead center. I want to feel my arm pulling back but instead I realize that my thumb pushed down… only after I’ve taken the shot.
With any new physical skill, I find that my body awareness is my biggest challenge. In the past, when I’ve gone to a core fitness class, the Physio guiding us would adjust my body during an exercise and say, ‘Do you feel the difference?’ Usually my response is ‘No’. I need to look at a mirror and practice the difference, but I don’t feel it.
And Mind:
With archery, I’m starting to feel the difference… but I have to be both focussed and relaxed: Focussed enough to be paying attention to as little as possible, honing in on just my release and not anything else that distracts me; Relaxed enough that I am genuinely surprised by the release, and not in a heightened state of preparation for it. The state of being simultaneously focussed and relaxed is not easily attained.
It’s about unifying body and mind. Having both act as one.
Yesterday I took a hacksaw to the combination lock on my compound bow case. It has been about a year-and-a-half since I shot any arrows with this bow. I did shoot some arrows one afternoon this summer, but that was with a recurve bow, for 45 minutes. Other than that, I basically shelved my new hobby for way too long… obviously to the point that I couldn’t even remember the combination to the case lock.
Today I was lucky enough to be able to shoot a few arrows, and get some (safe and socially distanced) coaching. I was expecting to be rusty, and to have bad form, but I shot surprisingly well. Then I got some key coaching around my thumb release that helped me shoot the most consistent I’ve ever shot!
Reflecting on how well things went, I think that I am fortunate to have a few things going for me. First, I’m still fairly new, so I don’t have years of ingrained bad habits. Second, I had some decent coaching early on, and my bow hand and anchor (where I place my draw hand against my face) are things that came back to me really easily. Third, I’ve kept myself really fit, and having recently recovered from an shoulder injury, a few of the exercises were also excellent for improving my archery strength as well. And finally, I had excellent coaching!
I started archery in the summer 2016. I was recovering from 6 months of chronic fatigue, and realized that if I didn’t start this hobby I’ve wanted to start at this time of renewal, I never would. Then in 2019 I made an intentional decision not to spend time on archery when I rededicated myself to being healthy, but realized to make certain commitments, I also had to make some sacrifices. Now, as 2020 comes to a close, I’ve decided that archery is something I really enjoy and want to get back into.
My favourite part of archery is that it is all about process. Yes, I want to shoot well, and yes the ‘end result’ of where the arrow lands is important. However, once I’ve released the arrow, there is nothing I can do to change that shot. If it isn’t as good as I had hoped, I have a choice of letting it affect my next shot, or I can focus on the process and shooting ‘fresh’ and probably better the next time. It is a mental game that forces me to to ‘let go’ of results and focus on being present. It is a form of meditation, of being in the moment. And for someone who tends to be ‘in my head’ a lot, archery doesn’t allow me to escape from ‘the now’.
I’m excited about returning to this fun hobby, and I’m sure that I’ll have more lessons to learn from, and reflect on, in the coming months.
I understand that meditation isn’t about emptying my mind, that it’s about bringing my attention back to the present and what I’m doing, such as focus on my breathing. But sometimes my monkey brain just can’t stop. It’s like I’m chasing my own tail, going in circles and wondering why it’s always out of reach?
I go through a few minutes at a time where I can’t focus on my breath for two breaths without my mind bouncing around and being distracted.
Not. Even. Two. Breaths.
It’s like a bad dream where my goal is always just beyond my reach. I know where I want to go, I just can’t get there.
I think I need some tips. I’m open to suggestions.
