Tag Archives: choice

Choosing not to act

There are moments in your life when doing nothing is better than doing something. These are seldom moments when nothing feels like the right thing to do, but then time and reflection allow you to see that you made the right decision. Here are a few examples:

  • You are in an incident where someone is displaying road rage. They get out of the car and want to confront you. You keep your windows up and doors locked and drive away.
  • You own shares and the whole market does a dive (not just your stocks), and rather than selling low, you do nothing. A week and a half later your stock prices are where they were before the crash.
  • Your child tells you about a very bad choice they made, but they chose to tell you rather than to hide it from you. You want to punish him/her but know that this could cost you the relationship where they feel they can come to you.

Choosing not to act is different than passively doing nothing. That’s the fundamental difference: One is a choice, the other is a lack of choice. Knowing and understanding the difference, that comes with experience, and a good dose of reflection. Because choosing not to act doesn’t always feel right, and only after looking back at the experience later can you truly see if non-action was the best, or at least a good, choice.

Choosing to share

Yesterday I wrote ‘Choosing or observing?‘ In which I said, “How much time do we spend being observers of this world, mere victims of our circumstances, versus creators of our world, choosing our path and seeking out new experiences, new things that our senses can take in?“

On LinkedIn, Kelly Christopherson responded, “…I definitely need to be more active and choose to create and share more.”

I hadn’t though of creating and sharing at all when I wrote that post. I was thinking about time, focus, and attention, but not about the choice to share our work and what we do. I have an educational blog that I’ve barely contributed to these past few years; a podcast I keep wanting to, but rarely, add to; and a monthly email subscription that I haven’t written in over a year. I’ve also drastically reduced my sharing on social media. I’m not sure if this is just a phase I’m going through or if social media just feels less social these days?

That said, since July 2019 I have written and shared a blog post daily. That’s a year and 3/4 now of sharing something every day. I won’t lie, it has been a challenging commitment. I’ve written a few later than midnight and back-dated the post… I was still awake and consider this part of the day before, since I haven’t gone to sleep yet. Beyond that, I might have missed one or two along the way, but I don’t think so?

So, my educational blog and podcast have been pushed aside, and maybe I’ll try to get that monthly newsletter out starting after this summer, but I’ve shared something here on this Daily-Ink for well over 600 days in a row… and I don’t see myself changing this habit any time soon.

So, why did Kelly’s comment strike a cord with me? For a while he and I, along with Jonathan Sclater, shared our fitness adventures with each other. Recently, I’ve been going through the motions with my workouts, struggling to push myself, and I wonder if I shouldn’t start connecting with these guys again to help push me. I think it’s time to share a little more. To not just engage but interact, be more social, and share.

Choosing or observing?

How much of our lives are passive?

We observe the world, watching through our eyes, hearing through our ears, feeling through our skin, and tasting in our mouths. Each of these senses giving us feedback about the world around us. But how much time do we spend really choosing what those senses share with us, versus passively accepting what those senses are exposed to?

It is our action or lack of action that determines what our senses observe or endure. Is there a hobby you’ve always wanted to try? A food you’ve always wanted to taste? A place you’ve always wanted to visit? (Maybe somewhere you can walk or hike to, while travel is restricted.)

How much time do we spend being observers of this world, mere victims of our circumstances, versus creators of our world, choosing our path and seeking out new experiences, new things that our senses can take in?

This is a choice. Not realizing this is also a choice.

Red pill - Blue pill quote - David Truss

Red pill, blue pill

The Terms Red Pill and Blue Pill refer to a choice between revealing an unpleasant truth, represented by the red pill, or to remain in blissful ignorance, represented by the blue pill. These terms are in reference to the 1999 film The Matrix. ~ Wikipedia

We are living in a red pill/blue pill moment, except people are colour blind and everyone thinks they are taking the red pill.

Reciprocal influence

After a discussion with my Uncle Joe (Truss) last night on the topic of free will, I’ve reread my posts:

The Bell Curve of Free Will

And:

What does in mean to be conscious?

Joe said a couple interesting things, “Freedom comes with restraints.” And, “We influence the world and the world influences us.”

I speak of restraints on freedom in my bell curve post, but I don’t say this explicitly. I think restrictions to our freedom of choice can be circumstantial, or based on how virtuous we live our lives, or by things like our physical and emotional health. These restraints to our freedom can make us feel like we have less choice.

The simple, yet profound statement that, “We influence the world and the world influences us,” is one that I’m interested in deconstructing. When we react to the environment or situation we are in, we ultimately change that environment or situation. There are many experiments that prove the observer changes the experiment. We don’t live in a vacuum, and our interactions with the world alter that world, which alters our future interactions.

An example I’m thinking of is a crisis situation where the person in charge is calm and thoughtfully responsive vs the same crisis situation with a panicked and frantic leader. The crisis can be well handled or escalated. In both cases the leaders work in feedback loops that can help them deal with the situation at hand appropriately or have the situation become unmanageable. The leader’s actions (or inaction) changes the situation, which in turn influences their next action or reaction.

How often do we get stuck in a feedback loop of reciprocal influences between what we feel we can do next and how the outside world reacts? We move through situation after situation feeling like we lack choice and freedom because the restraints on us limit our responses… which in turn limits what we believe can happen next, and what our next actions can or need to be.

There are times when we do what we need to do, or feel obligated to do, and don’t recognize that we are in a feedback loop that continually limits our choices and decision-making. This can be especially true in work and family situations where past relationships and patterns of interactions influence our likelihood of reacting similarly the next time.

“I better do it this way or Peter will be upset.”

“Amy is going to complain about this no matter how hard I try.”

“My brother won’t want to join us, I won’t bother asking.”

We get into pattern ruts, habitual grooves where we get stuck limiting our own choices and freedom to do things differently.

I realize now that my thinking is less about free will, and more about how our habits dictate our future thinking. Our habits influence our world, our world changes and we react by reinforcing the same habits that can ultimately limit our future choices. In some ways we construct a limited future based on our habits, which emboldens our choice to keep these limiting habits. (You can also replace the word ‘habits’ with ‘addictions’.)

“We influence the world and the world influences us.”

Is this a reciprocal relationship, or is it one where we can choose to have more influence? I think there are countless self-help books written to suggest that we have more influence than we believe we do… we just need to make conscious choices rather than letting our past actions and habits limit our ability to influence the world around us.

A simple question

I’m always intrigued by the questions we ask ourselves. We worry, and fret about things that could, but don’t happen. We ask stupid questions like, ‘Why me?’ So that our brains fill the void with reasons that make us feel like victims of our own circumstances. We ask for advice, but then we don’t listen to the advice given to us.

Here is a good questions to ask:

What can I say or do to make today better for another person in my life?

It’s a simple question that can bring as much joy to yourself as it does to someone else.

Any colour

“A customer can have a car painted any color he wants as long as it’s black”– Henry Ford

There is a lot of folklore about this quote, but if I were to summarize it in a sentence: Henry Ford wanted to minimize options and maximize production, and every choice reduced efficiency.

Today our schools are all about choice. And our universities are all about differentiating themselves from the competition. People don’t just go to MIT Media Lab or Stanford d.school for the name, they go for the reputation, the proven success, and the opportunity to collaborate with other elite students. They go for the experience. People want to walk the halls of Yale or Harvard.

I know a family in the US who pay as much as my yearly salary for their two kids to go to University every year… And those kids are home taking online classes. It doesn’t matter what car people bought in September, they are all driving the same colour now.

How will this change people’s view of these schools? How much value do the hallways have? The Ivy schools will survive, even in a depression there is always a market for luxury items. But not all universities and colleges will survive post pandemic. Some schools will become fast food chains… All online year-round service, or half the price and double the students. Others will specialize. Others will partner with big business.

Universities are having a Henry Ford moment. They’ve been reduced to the same choice for all. It will be interesting to see what options come out of this.

In the shadows

I had a conversation yesterday with someone who carries very strong negative memories with them from something that happened many years ago. It wasn’t violent, and didn’t cause any trauma to their body, but it did to their mind. It was essentially an emotional bullying issue, one that especially hurt because it came from someone believed to be a friend. It hurt more because it wasn’t just a one-time thing, it was repeated.

As I listened, I was taken back by the hurt that was still carried. They say ‘time heals all wounds’, but I think sometimes ‘time wounds all heals’. Sometimes the passage of time does not separate us from emotional pain, rather time bathes us in it.

I think that’s why people end up self medicating. It’s easier to numb the pain than it is to face the pain that lurks in our memories, haunting us. The memory, the upset, the anger, or the pain, can seem as present and as relevant as things happening to us daily.

I’m not a psychologist, and I don’t play one on tv or the internet, but I asked this person a question.

I asked, when recalling the incidents, if they saw the experience through their own eyes or if they saw themselves in the memory as if they were watching a movie? The answer was ‘it’s like a movie’.

Aren’t our minds amazing things, that we can recall a memory and see ourselves in that memory! How does that work? We aren’t really reliving it if we can see it happening to us. It’s more like we are watching our own history. This gives us more power than we might think we have:

  • We don’t have to review our memories up close.
  • We don’t have to recall our memories in full colour or at full speed.
  • We can create new endings. Rewind and replay it.
  • We can literally put the memory into a television screen.
  • We can recall memories as still, black & white, blurry photos in old frames.

We can move memories into the shadows of our minds rather than have them fill our brains in full technicolor and splendour. We don’t have to get rid of them, (I’m not sure we can), but we can reduce their power over us. We can relegate the memories to less significance.

It’s similar to controlling anger. When something upsets us and makes us mad, how long do we hold on to that anger?

Let’s say you are driving to work one morning and someone cuts you off. I mean really cuts you off, you have to break hard and swerve into the curb lane to stop from hitting them and getting in an accident. You slam on the breaks and your horn simultaneously, but the other car drives off, seemingly oblivious to what they just put you through. How long do you hold on to that anger?

Is 5 minutes appropriate?

What about for the rest of your commute?

What about until everyone at work has heard your story?

How about until you’ve told your spouse when you got home.

How about the following week?

How about you recall the incident every time you pass that spot on the road on the way to work?

How long is it acceptable to hold on to that anger, to build up that moment in your mind? How long do you let that that angry moment in the past control your emotions in the present?

We have many memories that belong in the shadows of our mind, rather than in full colour and right in front of us.

If we can learn to not let the anger of a jerk that cut us off minutes, hours, days, or weeks ago control our present state or well being, couldn’t we do the same for something years in the past.

Maybe we can let time heal our wounds .

It may take practice, but if we’ve already changed the memory into a movie, seeing it from a perspective that we didn’t experience, then haven’t we already made changes that have removed us from the original experience? And if our minds can do that on their own, maybe we can choose to ‘see’ those memories in more distant and less angry ways. Maybe we can alter our past so that it interferes less with our present.

Adding a little extra

I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a recipe where the amount of garlic ‘recommended’ wasn’t less than I wanted to (and probably did) put in. My whole family loves garlic and despite adding more garlic than suggested, in our house a meal has never been ruined by too much garlic. You can’t say the same for salt, or dill, or oregano.

Some things you can add a little extra, some things you can’t:

You can add some genuine compliments, be careful how much criticism you add.

You can add generosity generously, but just a pinch of selfishness.

You can add copious amounts of love, but only a sprinkling of animosity.

There isn’t any one recipe for living a good life, and so the ingredients we choose to put in can be played with… if we are thoughtful and liberally creative with the right ingredients, we can end up with delicious results!

What’s the third option?

It can be hard to make a tough choice. There are things that happen that can make you think, ‘Damned if I do, and damned if I don’t.” It might not always be a lose-lose situation, but it can be a situation where there seems to be no easy or good way forward.

What’s the third option?

This third option doesn’t have to be the answer. This third option can be worse than the original two options, (as long as it is a legitimate option). Giving yourself a third option removes the challenging dichotomy of the two original options. It removes your ability to put the first two options on a metaphorical scale, where these two options seemed equally balanced. The third option might be better, but even if it’s not it might create a comparison that lets you see the other two options in a new light. One of the original options might then seem better or worse than it did before.

This works great when dealing with students. When given a tough choice, some students make the good choice, others might choose to be defiant and choose the more painful choice as an act of defiance. Give that same student a third choice and they are less likely to choose the defiant option because there isn’t one other choice to be defiant against.

I’ve used this strategy many times with kids, but I sometimes forget that it’s a valuable strategy to use myself.

Stuck deciding between two tough choices? Ask yourself, ‘What’s a third choice?’