Tag Archives: apology

These go to 11

In the satirical mockumentary This is Spinal Tap there is a hilarious scene where the guitarist explains that their very special amps are louder and better because unlike all other amps that have a maximum setting of 10, these go to 11.

While I find this funny, I have noticed a troubling trend recently where issues that are minor in concern are elevated beyond what they should be. In other words, a problem that should be a 3/10 or even 5/10 concern gets addressed as if it’s an 11/10.

This is most obvious on social media. In the past few months I’ve seen silly issues like getting the wrong order at a fast food restaurant, or a dispute over a parking space, or neighbours not being neighbourly, all leading to confrontations that far exceed what should have been appropriate for the level of concern. Now, I recognize that in some cases the concerns are legitimate and deserving of escalating, for example if the issue is related to hate crimes, racism, or bigotry, so strictly speaking, I’m talking about minor issues that get exaggerated into issues far bigger than necessary.

This is something I’ve noticed which has significantly increased since the pandemic. The ramifications are that every little issue or concern becomes a big concern. This is harmful in a couple ways. First of all, the stress of making things bigger than they are is hard on everyone… especially for the person that made the mistake who might want to make things better. This is almost impossible online where people are relentlessly attacked for their mistake. A small issue becomes a mountain of concern that can’t be traversed. It could include personal attacks, such as death threats, which are far worse than the original transgression.

Secondly, when the response is the same whether it’s a person making a bad decision on their worst day or a bigoted jerk intentionally being hurtful, the idea that both of these are attacked with equal vitriol waters down the response to the truly awful act. Vigilante justice handed out without discrimination makes the response more about harming than helping the situation.

Not every issue is an 11/10. When issues are that concerning, they deserve being handled as such. But in many, many cases a small issue deserves a small response, and escalating the issue as if it’s far bigger than it is only makes the whole situation worse. Worse not just for the transgressor, but for the person who feels harmed. We need nuance when dealing with concerns. We also need to consider the impact of negative responses.

Here are two examples:

1. A well known Tiktok food critic disagrees with another food critic and while he does this respectfully, his (so called) fans proceed to attack the other food critic with negative comments and also give the restaurant hundreds of negative reviews, even though they never visited the place themselves.

2. A teacher tried to do a do a culturally based art project and a parent didn’t find it appropriate. The parent reacts on social media and the post goes viral with millions of views. The next day the parent addresses the concerns with the teacher, who was not only apologetic, but as the parent suggests in a follow up video, the teacher was gracious, thoughtful, and open for feedback. However this update did not go viral and only a few thousand people watched it, unlike millions who saw the upset rant.

It’s one thing when these negative responses are online, and still another when they are in person. Everything doesn’t need to be an 11/10. Save those for the kinds of things that deserve a serious response. And, address smaller issues in less public ways with more opportunity for an appropriate response that isn’t elevated and likely to cause harm as much as bring about a solution.

A 3/10 issue isn’t going to be resolved because it’s treated like an 11/10, and is far more likely to have negative consequences if it is elevated to that level.

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Somewhat Related: Last May I wrote a post about how when asking someone to rank something on a scale of 1-10, tell them, “You can’t pick 7“.

The Ego and the Way

There is a saying that we are our own worst enemy, and this is especially true when our egos get the best of us. I know that I’m not at my best when I get my back up. I know that making my point a second time in an argument doesn’t help even if… especially if… I’m right. And yet sometimes in the moment of an argument I’ll still poke my point in, like a finger into a wound. Being right becomes more important than coming to an agreement.

Ego clouds the way. Hammering out past transgressions becomes more important than finding a good path forward. Being right trumps being kind, considerate, humble, compromising, or forgiving. Ego destroys apologies, by inserting justifications and explanations. “I’m sorry but…” is not an apology. “What I meant to say…” only adds to the harm. “The reason why…” is a way to justify not a way to heal.

It’s especially hard when the other person doesn’t make it easy. It takes an inner strength to take the good path when being met with frustration or even anger. That’s when the ego wakes and stands it’s ground; When the tone and tenor switches from coming to a settlement to winning an argument; When the ego becomes the way. But when you succumb to ego, you surrender a good outcome. When you meet another’s ego with ego the way forward is lost.

Do you or your ego rise up to a challenge? What is the desired outcome, to be right or to move forward? When the ego clouds the way pack your umbrella because the destination is not bright. Tuck the ego away and a clearer horizon is possible… and you just might arrive somewhere you want to be.

The challenge of hindsight

Recently I had a student come to me for advice. He played a joke on a friend, and then kept the joke going digitally on a digital discussion board. It wasn’t a bullying issue, there wasn’t a power struggle. But the kid who came to me recognized that his friend was struggling a bit and he felt that his joke added stress and added to his struggles. He just wasn’t sure how to fix it.

I could see and hear the anxiety that he had gone too far with the joke and hurt his friend. There was a lot of guilt, and the awareness that he could have contributed to a friend’s struggles was really burdening him. He felt awful. I think he came to me partially because he wanted advice and partially because he felt he should somehow be punished for hurting his friend. I mentioned that there was no power struggle and so it wasn’t bullying, but in this kids eyes he did something that hurt someone so it was bullying.

I tried to put him at ease by talking about how hindsight is 20/20 and it’s easy for him to see that he took the joke too far now, but it would have been much harder to see this at the time. And I said that the fact that he could look back and see that now was actually a good thing. Good because it shows he’s reflective and cares for his friend, and good because he has the power now to make things better. But that it’s easy to see this now only by looking back and being thoughtful.

I then guided him through a good apology. He wanted to make it about the struggles his friend was going through as part of the apology. I suggested this wasn’t an ideal approach. A version of “I’m sorry you have problems that I added to” doesn’t instil a sense that the conversation is about an apology. Instead I suggested he focus on his own behavior. “I’m sorry that I took the joke to far, I didn’t mean for it to be hurtful in any way, but I think it was. I apologize and I’ll be more thoughtful next time.”

At one point when I was finishing up with him he said, “I’m sorry if I seem distracted but the longer I’m here the longer my friend has to wait for my apology.” I had to hold back a little chuckle as I let him go to talk to his friend.

This is a good kid. He used hindsight to see that he had done something wrong to a friend, but then he beat himself up for not seeing his mistake sooner. How often do we all do this? We look back at our actions and feel guilty, stupid, or embarrassed for what we did. Then we magnify those feelings and feel even worse. Our hindsight gives us insight into how we could have and should have acted previously… but now it’s too late. Now it feels like all we can do is feel bad.

…Or we can be humble, recognize our mistake, and try to make things better. The challenge with hindsight is that we can’t undo our stupidity, we can only pretend it didn’t happen, beat ourselves up about it, or actually try to face the mistake we made, own it, and be willing to make amends or ‘make it right’. This latter choice isn’t the easiest path to take, but it is the best path to take and the faster we do it, the less time we spend worrying or feeling bad about it.

Falling fairies

It was meant to be funny, but it was mean. Not one of proudest moments as a dad.

My oldest daughter was three, and we were outside, playing in the fresh snow on a weekend morning. The snow was deep, but way too fluffy and soft for a snowman. I went over to the huge tree in our front yard, covered in snow, branches laden with powdered snow, and decided it would be funny to shake the snow onto my daughter. A harmless joke.

I called here over. ‘Come here’.

“Why”

I gently pulled a branch lower. “Come over here.’

“Why”

‘If you listen carefully you can hear the tree fairies sing.’

My daughter came over, trying to listen, and I shook the branch. Puffy snowflakes came falling down into her. This wasn’t a dump of snow, it was a powdering, but still, a solid covering of her toque and face.

And then the tears came so fast that I couldn’t even laugh. Thank goodness because that would have been meaner that it already was. I gave her a hug and she cried on my shoulder. I realized my mistake and hugged her tight. At this point I did laugh embarrassingly, but held it in, my body shaking as I held back the noise, still hugging her and hiding my guilty grin. ‘Oh, I’m so sorry sweetie, it was just a joke.’

My mistake wasn’t dumping snow on her, that would have been funny. It was the comment about the fairies that was hurtful. I played on the gullibility of a three year old who really believed she was going to hear a tree fairy. When I tricked her, it wasn’t just a prank by dad for the sake of a joke, it was a betrayal, and a disappointment that made the betrayal actually hurt.

She got over it pretty quickly, and we were back to playing and having fun a few moments after the tears. Now that she’s almost 21, I’m sure this isn’t a scarring memory that she’ll end up needing therapy for, but it was not a great parenting moment for me.

We don’t always realize the way we hurt people with the things we say. To us it’s nothing but a lighthearted joke, a little poke, a passing comment. But to the receiver it can be more. It was falling fairies, not falling snow, that really hurt my daughter.

We don’t always see how our words and actions can really affect others. We say ‘It’s not a big deal’, others feel it really is. We see misunderstanding, others see malcontent. We see honest mistakes, others see betrayal. What others hear and feel is far more important than what we think they hear and feel.

And sometimes a sincere apology, or even a hug, can go a long way in mending fallen feelings.

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A related story, “T’was two nights after Christmas… A story of lost innocence.“

An open letter to the Ontario College of Teachers re: Social Media, Part 2

I’ll start by saying, ‘Shame on The Canadian Press and shame on cbc.ca’, I thought this was a news source I could rely on. Next, I’ll say, ‘Shame on me’, since I reacted publicly, based on a single secondary source for information, and I did not go to the main source. As an educator who makes great efforts to use social media in appropriate ways, I feel embarrassed that I contributed in disseminating exaggerated and miss-informed hype! I will learn from this, hopefully others will too. 

But what was of greatest concern to me was the message to ‘not use’ social networks with students, and that is not the case!  

The Ontario College of Teachers DID NOT say teachers should avoid connecting with their students on Facebook or Twitter.

Here is a great video they have created: 

While I could nitpick and suggest some minor changes, I think that the advisory does an excellent job of saying three key things:

1. Interact with students appropriately 
2. Understand privacy concerns
3. Act professionally

And, they offer sound advice that will help teachers both think about, and understand, that their digital communication is public and therefore needs to be professional. 

Here is the actual advisory:

OCT_Prof_Adv_Soc_Media.pdf
Download this file

I will end in saying, ‘well done’ to the Ontario College of Teachers! 
And again, my apologies.
Kind regards,
David Truss

ps. Special thanks to Ontario teacher Lorna Costantini @lornacost for questioning the news article’s interpretation and for pointing me to the sources provided above.