Tag Archives: meditation

Holidays and routines

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Exercise, writing, meditation, diet… even vitamins… my schedule and routines are completely out of whack, and I’m feeling the struggle. I don’t mind a few days off, but I’ve been off of a regular schedule for over a month now and it’s getting to me. My back is achy, I have less energy, and I’m not sleeping well.

I often talk about this, and I get comments like, ‘Don’t be so hard on yourself.’ But the reality is that it’s not about me beating myself up or not giving myself a break. Rather it’s that I get huge benefits out of maintaining my routines, and I am not as energetic and vital when I let things slip.

Furthermore, when I lose my routines on holidays, I spiral a bit and end up missing things that are well within my ability to schedule. For example, I’ve only meditated twice in the last week, but I’ve definitely had at least 10 if not 20 minutes each day that I could have used to meditate. Also, I’m writing this when I should already be sleeping.

So, once again I’m sharing my complaints, but neither for sympathy nor for comments about not being so hard on myself. Rather I’m sharing because outwardly discussing this, putting it ‘out there’ is a way I hold myself accountable. And so I’m just saying that I need to do better… and tomorrow I’ll make things better.

This is my way of manifesting the behaviours I want for myself. And I’ll feel better both physically and mentally.

Leave a little undone

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Student leaders at my school planned a movie night and I ended up leaving school a little after 9pm last night. After I got home I decided to have a hot tub. With headphones on I slowly submerged myself, got comfortable, and put on some focus music on my meditation app. Why focus music? I was planning to do a meditation, but I was too tired and decided to reflect on the week rather than meditating, or listening to a podcast or to my book. I thought about a couple exchanges I had this week. One was feedback from a student. I love being in a school where students can give me candid feedback. In fact, we discussed radical candour and I have to say that the feedback he gave was very insightful. The other reflection is one I won’t share, because it would be too easy for the people involved to know that I was talking about them, and it’s not appropriate for me to share. 

That second reflection came shortly after I restarted my hot tub (after the 20 minute auto shut off). I thought I was going to sit for another round, but minutes later I felt too hot and that I was done. Yet, there I was pushing myself to stay in a bit longer. That’s when I realized that I was battling myself for no good reason. I was done, but I had just restarted the hot tub, and in my head it was my ‘duty’ to stay in it longer. This of course is a ridiculous thing to think, but I thought it. Then I reflected on how often we do this to ourselves.

We push to finish… almost everything.

  • Crappy movie? Watch it all anyway. Why? Maybe it will get better? Or ‘I’ve invested this much time, may as well see it through to the end’.
  • Eating a meal? I’m stuffed but there are still 4 more bites… May as well finish my plate. Or, ‘I don’t really want fries, but it was part of the meal deal, so may as well eat them’. 
  • An online survey. A game of solitaire when you know you aren’t going to win. A boring book. A career. A course you thought would be interested, but turns out to be boring and unfulfilling. 

There are a lot of quotes and adages about sticking with something, showing grit and fortitude, and not being a quitter… but there is a difference between quitting or giving up, and being smart about recognizing when something is no longer benefiting you. This is especially true for things where the only person expecting you to finish is you. Why force yourself to finish a book that you know you’ll end up being disappointed reading? Why stuff yourself with those last 4 bites? Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to leave a little bit undone.

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As an aside, the Northern Lights were out last night like I’ve never seen them before. (See my Facebook post.)

Missing silence

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There are two things that make me feel old. One is my back, it aches in the morning and reminds me that I’m not young. It cautions me not to do any physical activities without warming up. It feels older than I feel. The other thing that makes me feel old is my hearing. First of all, I don’t have the range I used to, for example, I can’t hear the tones my fireplace makes when it is turned on and off. I can stand right by it, with my ear almost against it and I hear nothing to the surprise of my wife and daughter who ask, “How can you not hear that?”

But this is something I’m actually ignorant to, other than when I’m told to lower the TV. Although subtitles are always on for me, so I often don’t realize how much I rely on them compared to not having them and struggling. What really makes me feel old with respect to my hearing is my tinnitus, a constant tone that I hear all the time. Most days I can ignore it for long parts of the day. It sort of disappears and the sounds of activity around me drown it out. But when it’s quiet, like right now when everyone is in bed and it’s just me up clicking away on a laptop, this is when it really bugs me.

I don’t get to experience silence anymore. I miss it.

I miss it now, in the morning quiet of the house. I miss it at night when I’m trying to fall asleep. I miss it after a snowfall and the snow muffles all other sounds. I miss it when I’m trying to meditate and it distracts me and becomes the focus of my attention.

We don’t often appreciate what we have until we miss it. I miss silence.

Creativity struggle

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The one place in my life right now that I seem to be struggling is with being creative. I can find time for everything I need to do… except when I want to do something creative. This includes writing. It doesn’t seem to be about time, it seems to be more about focus.

I can put my head down and get to work. I can push myself on the treadmill or exercise bike. I’m struggling a bit to work out hard for strength exercises, but I still do them. I’m home a good amount of time now after a lot of late nights at work to start the school year, and I have been sticking to my routines that I’ve created.

But I can’t seem to focus on listening to books or podcasts. I can’t sit and start any creative tasks, and I find myself easily distracted any time I have down time. Normally blog post ideas come at me and I throw them into a note on my phone, or I see something interesting and my mind starts making connections to new ideas. Normally, but not right now. Now I’m in a bit of a creative slump. I’ll keep my routines that are working. I’ll try to get more sleep, since I tend to not get enough, and I won’t try to add anything new to my plate. I think I’ve got enough going on.

The one thing that seems to be working well right now is a new meditation app called Balance. So I’ll continue to meditate, exercise, and of course write something daily, all while being grateful for the things going well right now. I don’t know what to do differently to spark my creative juices, so I won’t stir things up, I’ll just be patient. It’s hard to come up with creative ways to be more creative when you aren’t feeling creative.

A quiet mind

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While we don’t sit in silence very often (yesterday’s post and one from 2022), we also don’t sit with a quiet mind. Our ‘To Do’ list, obligations, and plans fill our mind with things in the future rather than the present.

The idea of stillness eludes us even when it’s quiet. The notion that we are fully present escapes us. A happy experience? Let’s take a photo to remember it. A pretty sky? Let’s take a video. A beautiful walk? Let’s plan our next meal. We seldom stay in the moment.

Maybe it’s just me and my monkey brain. My brain that tries to meditate and spends its time wandering. I want to wonder but I wander. I want to be quiet and still but I fidget internally as well as externally.

I want the gift, the present, of being present. I seek the now and not the future… Not the thoughts of what’s next, what I must still do, and what I should or should not say to someone not currently with me. Imagining future conversations, or worse, past conversations and how they could have been better.

A quiet mind is not an empty mind, it’s a mind focused and aware of the now. It is not in the past or the future, it is in the presence of the present. I will meditate after writing this. Meditation must come after writing or I’m even less present as I think of what I’m going to write. Even then, my mind will drift, I will accept it and understand that refocusing is part of the process, it actually is the process. But I long for the quiet, the stillness, the moments where I’m fully present.

Perhaps it’s that very longing that prevents me from getting there. The desire to be more present is a desire and want of something not in the the present and thus something I can not seek without being less present. It’s the paradox of letting go: the more you try to let go, the more you are holding on to something… the less still your mind is.

Hello 2024 – Healthy Living Goals

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A new year, a new plan.

I’ve learned a lot about setting goals and keeping them since I started my Healthy Living Goals back on January 1st, 2019.

I picked up the book Atomic Habits around then, and it both reinforced some good systems I had in place and also gave me new and powerful insights to keep my good habits going. I used a year-long calendar to track my goals and continued doing this for ’20, ’21, and ’22, but decided I didn’t need it for 2023. And while I did a fantastic job with my fitness. I did however develop a herniated disc in my neck that set me back quite a bit at the start of the year, but I came back with a new focus and feel that my body has responded and recovered. But on a less successful note, I totally let my meditation commitment slide.

For 2024 I’m going back to my calendar, and I’m publicly sharing my goals, because I know it’s a good external motivation for me to make my goals public. Here they are:

1. An average of 6 workouts a week. 20 minutes of cardio, stretching, and at least one body part pushed to 3 hard sets.

2. Meditation: A minimum of 10 minutes daily, and one day for longer than that, (tracked with a black dot on my daily sticker when I at least double the 10 minute minimum).

3. Writing my Daily-Ink every day… Continuing my streak from July 2019. While this is already a consistent daily habit, I think it’s great to have one goal on my calendar where I have a continuous streak running.

4. More writing/creating: My goal will be to write, or edit videos (a project with my uncle), or doing something creative, 3 times a week for at least an hour. Most if not all of this will be on the weekends, but I also plan on making more time for myself daily.

How will I find more time in my week? I plan on being on my phone less. A lot less. I haven’t always been great with my phone habits but I think it got worse in 2023. I’m going to cut my scrolling. I’m going to start writing blog posts on my laptop rather than phone. I’m going to schedule time when my phone is on the counter rather than on me.

I rarely watch TV, I don’t watch sports, I think I can meet my above goals by sticking to current habits and just using my time better. I’m writing this (admittedly on my phone) on New Year’s Eve. I tried before, but unsuccessfully, to write at night rather than in the morning, so that I have more time for things like meditation and stretching when I wake up.

So there you have it. I do have a few physical goals beyond regular workouts. But having just spent 6 and a half months getting my left arm (almost) back to full strength, because my herniated disc pinched a nerve that seriously impinged the strength of most exercises I did with that arm… I consider these goals secondary, and may cautiously change these if they push me too hard.

These goals include:

  • 30 pull-ups (I did 15 today for my first set and 10 on a second set). When I first had this goal it was also along with the goal of 60 pushups… I did that one morning last month. 💪😀👍
  • Bench 225 lbs (two 45 plates on each side of the bar). This is something I did (albeit not for full sets) at the start of the year, but I have a way to go to get back there, and even further to be doing full sets at that weight.
  • A 30 second unassisted handstand. I have had this (unattained) goal for a number of years. I was on a roll until a minor shoulder injury, then never got back to trying.

Again, these are goals that may change but I wanted to put them ‘out there’. My fully committed goals are the 4 numbered ones above. I’m truly excited about what 2024 has in store!

(Re)stacking habits

I used to wake up, write a blog post, meditate for 10 minutes, and work out, all before getting in the shower around 6:45-7am. I used the Atomic Habits strategy of stacking my habits one-after-the-other so that I reduced a lot of friction in my mornings. I’d start writing and the rest of the stacked habits just happened one after the other.

A couple things happened to change this. I have been spending more time writing, stopped meditating, and started spending more time stretching. However, it was the writing time that was the big change since both the meditation and stretching were both 10 minutes long. What I’ve noticed is that my workouts and stretching are getting shorter.

So, I need to unstack my current habits. I need to write most or all of my posts at night, then I can start my morning with meditation, cardio, stretch, then a strength routine dedicated to one or two muscles, which is my usual routine. Essentially I’m not really unstacking my habits, I’m re-stacking them in a way that they give me the outcomes I want without compromising any of them at the expense of others… I just changed the title of this post from ‘Unstacking habits’ to ‘(Re)stacking habits’… Because stacking works, but it needs to work for all the habits, not just some of them.

As a good friend said, I won’t know how well this works until I try it for at least a couple weeks, because a few days aren’t long enough for a pattern to be formed, for a habit to truly become a habit. Let’s see how this goes. If I remember, I’ll give a progress report some time later this month.

Practice not information or knowing

I have weekly conversations with my uncle. Most days we talk about geometry, but today our conversation was more wide-ranging. One topic we discussed was meditation. My uncle is a practiced meditator and I am on a journey to a really meditative state that seems elusive to me.

I’m better at naming the experience rather than just embodying the experience. I understand the journey, I haven’t truly travelled it like he has. And the fundamental difference is practice.

I don’t spend enough time practicing. I have travelled the part of the journey from being angry every time my mind drifts or focuses on a thought to understanding that this is a natural part of meditation. However, I have not travelled the next part where I’ve truly experience the letting go, and feeling fully in a meditative state. I’ve knocked on the door, but haven’t stepped in.

What’s preventing me? Practice. Making time, and giving myself time to meditate. Instead of a 10 minute guided meditation that is really 4-6 minutes meditating with a little lesson, I need to give myself more time. I have to practice for longer than the point where all I’m doing is bringing myself back from distractions, back from wondering and wandering thoughts.

I know what I need to do. I’m not lacking information, I’m just lacking time, the time to practice. Until then while I can name the experience I will not truly embody the experience.

Being present

It’s not easy to be fully present. We can pay attention. We can focus. We can prioritize what is happening around us. We can’t always keep ourselves fully aware of our situation without our thoughts distracting us.

Play with a kid and they might be fully enthralled in the game or activity, but we are thinking about starting to prep the next meal. Talking to a friend, they say something that makes us think about something else, only somewhat related. Listening to a lesson in class, the teacher’s voice drifts away as our own unrelated thoughts get louder.

There is no malice, no intended distraction, we just aren’t as present as we could be. It’s part of the human condition. But sometimes we find moments of clarity. We still our mind, and it stops interfering with the one thing we are doing. Clarity and focus prevail. We are momentarily fully present.

But is being lost in thought truly being present? Is there a difference between being fully focused on a task and fully focused on a thought? Is there a difference between being present in a conversation and moving it forward in a different direction because that’s where the conversation goes, versus moving it in a distracted tangent? How do we know the difference?

It seems to me that awareness of being present takes us out of being present. But ignorance of our presence can equally be ignorance of distraction. So being fully present is illusive. It comes when it comes, and it drifts when it drifts. I guess that’s why meditation is so challenging. It is creating a state where that state needs to be unconscious to be fully engaged. Being present is a skill we can learn, but not one we can practice easily, because when we reach the state we want, the very awareness of it takes us out of that state.

I enjoy moments of being fully present, but now that I think about it, the enjoyment really comes afterwards… because in the moments of being fully present the idea of enjoyment doesn’t matter. What matters is the moment itself, not the appreciation of the moment. That comes later.

Attend and amplify

One of the guided mediations that I listen to is Jay Shetty. This morning the topic was ‘Making Memories’. His message: Be present and attend to the experience, amplify your awareness of what you are feeling in the moment, and you’ll have better access to those memories. They will be richer and more powerful, if you attend and amplify.

One of the downsides to this is that traumatic and trying times also tend to heighten our attention and be amplified. That’s why they get played back in our minds so vividly. Then there is the playback that never happened, the dealing with a crappy situation over and over in your mind, wishing you did something differently. Sometimes that playback feels almost as real, and just as frustrating.

Those are the moments I most attempt to control. I work on seeing them in the distance, and in black & white. I try to make them grainy still photos and forgettable. Too many people that don’t deserve my thoughts and attention can take both because dealing with them is a ‘rich’ experience in my mind. Becoming aware if this is key. Recognizing that they are not worth my time and energy is the trigger to un-amplify. Then I have more time to appreciate all the positive things that I should attend to and amplify.