Tag Archives: life-lesson

Where’s your focus?

Leave a reply

I remember a couple friends doing a puzzle in front of me that left me clueless. One of them had 2 forks and placed them on a table, one on top of the other on an angle, and asked, “What number does this represent?”

I guessed wrong and the other friend guessed right. I kept trying and got it wrong far more times than right, while my other friend got it right every time. I accused them of cheating so the guessing friend started writing the number on a piece of paper. The friend placing the forks on each other would place the utensils down, the other friend would write the number down. The first friend would wait for my guess, reveal the correct number, then my second friend would show his correct guess that he wrote down.

This went on for an embarrassingly long time, with my friends offering to tell me how they did it, and me refusing because I was going to figure it out!

I didn’t.

Finally, they showed me. When they did, I realized how the ‘tell’ was being exaggerated for my benefit, but I was so fixated on the forks that I missed it. The forks placement had nothing to do with the chosen number. After placing the forks at an odd angle on top of each other, my friend would place a few fingers on the edge of the table. How many fingers he placed there was what the mystery number was.

But my eyes stayed focused on the shapes made by the two forks. Even when my friend was tapping his fingers loudly on the table, I ignored them and stayed fixated on the forks.

I think too many people are focused on the forks these days. Where would you benefit from widening your focus and attention?

Count your blessings

Leave a reply

Every day someone gets in an accident that they had no control over. Someone else gets a diagnosis they aren’t expecting. Someone else thinks they have job security, and then suddenly they don’t. This, and worse, happens every day.

Sometimes it’s hard to appreciate what you’ve got when nothing changes. You are just going through days ranging from appreciating, to accepting, to dealing with, to tolerating daily events, completely oblivious to how much harder things could be. Unaware of the challenges others just like you face. Ignorant of how fortunate you are to simply not have faced a more unlucky path.

You don’t need good news to count your blessings, you just need to recognize that the lack of bad news is actually something to be thankful for. And when less positive news does come, when things seem unfair, when hard times surface, there is strength in knowing that you’ve had blessed moments in your life.

The challenge is that it’s hard to appreciate how lucky, how blessed you’ve been, when times are tough… So pause and take a moment to build up your resilience by appreciating everything that’s good right now.

Sharing again

Revisiting my uncle, I was reminded of this story, and my post, forgotten dream:

From my earliest memories I can remember our house containing numerous bookshelves with books double stacked, one in front of the other, with whole sections having books stacked horizontally, so that 6 or 8 horizontal books could take the place of 4 or 5 vertical books.

And I read almost none of them.

The dream was a dream of lost opportunity. Of being blind to the ocean of information that sat before me metaphorically unseen, and literally unread.

Adding to this we need to spend quality time with people we care about… and not take them for granted. It’s easy to think the people closest to us will always be there and forget to treat them the way they deserve to be treated.

Inversely it’s a good thing when we remove people from our lives if they are not worthy of our time. I love this quote by Isaiah Frizzelle about creating boundaries for people that don’t deserve access to your life, “Time does not allow reentry and an apology does not always allow access.”

To the fish, water is invisible. It’s fine for us to ignore the oxygen around us, but we need to pay attention to, and show love and respect to, the people we care about.

A forgotten dream

Last week I visited my uncle and he reminded me of a dream that I shared with him, 27 years ago, before my move from Toronto to Vancouver.

There is a saying: “To the fish water is invisible.” And that is what my dream was about. I grew up in a pre-Google era, but I had something better… I had my dad. It seemed that no matter what question I may ask, my dad had, and still has, a comprehensive answer. My only hesitation to ask him a question was that I needed to be sure I was interested enough to get his extensive and detailed answer.

The dream was that I was in my bedroom next to my dad’s office and everything was under water. It wasn’t scary, I could breathe. I knew the water was there but I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t see what was right in front of me.

What was right in front of me was all of dad’s books that I had never read. 1,000’s of books. My dad has read and given away more books than any 50 people would normally read in their lifetime. From my earliest memories I can remember our house containing numerous bookshelves with books double stacked, one in front of the other, with whole sections having books stacked horizontally, so that 6 or 8 horizontal books could take the place of 4 or 5 vertical books.

And I read almost none of them.

The dream was a dream of lost opportunity. Of being blind to the ocean of information that sat before me metaphorically unseen, and literally unread.

I didn’t enjoy reading until I was in my 30’s. I slowed down again after that, getting too busy, until recently in my 50’s when I discovered that I could listen to audio books while exercising, and walking, and waiting in lineups, and commuting in my car.

We often don’t see the opportunities right in front of us. We often take things, and people, for granted because they are right there.

About 8 or 9 years after I moved to B.C., my librarian at the school I was teaching at did an exchange with a teacher from Australia. That teacher and her retired husband went away almost every weekend during the exchange. In a single year they had visited more of B.C. than I had in almost a decade. In fact, more than I have in over a quarter century of living here now.

We are fish, blind to the water we swim in. Sometimes it’s worth stopping and paying attention to what is right in front of us.

Empty your cup

Empty Your Cup
A Japanese Zen master received a university professor who came to enquire about Zen. It was obvious from the start of the conversation that the professor was not so much interested in learning about Zen as he was in impressing the master with his own opinions and knowledge.

The master listened patiently and finally suggested they have tea. The master poured his visitor’s cup full and then kept on pouring.

The professor watched the cup overflowing until he could no longer contain himself.
‘The cup is overfull, no more will go in.’

‘Like this cup,’ the master said, ‘you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?’

Taken From: Zen in the Martial Arts By Joe Hyams, 1979, pp. 18-19.

This is a favourite parable of mine. However there is another perspective that I take which contradicts this in one way, and complements it in another.

Yes, when you are learning something new, your previous perspective and knowledge can ‘get in the way’ of what you can learn.

But what about cognitive load? What happens when the issue isn’t that you are espousing your knowledge and blocking new learning, what about when you’ve reached the point where you feel you’ve learned too much too quickly, and there isn’t ‘enough room’ to add anything new?

(I think a few educators are feeling this now, after 6-8 weeks of remote learning.)

This is where I find that this parable becomes a paradox… when cognitive load feels too much, an instinct is to feel like, ‘My cup is full, I can’t fit any more new learning in.” When this happens, it’s actually a great time to try something new! To step out of your comfort zone, empty your own cup and play. Learn something you don’t ‘need’ to learn.

When someone is teaching you, you need to empty your cup.

When you feel like you’ve learned too much, you can add a bit more, in a different field of interest, and this will actually empty your cup a bit.

Being ignorant of your cup being full puts you in a spot where you need to empty your cup. Knowing your cup is full, you can increase the volume of the cup when you stop adding the same tea.

Do you feel your cup is full right now? Choose something completely different and interesting to learn and you’ll find more room in your cup again.

Between a Rock and a Hard Place (and…)

The origin of the idiom ‘between a rock and a hard place’ can be found in ancient Greek mythology. In Homer’s Odyssey, Odysseus must pass between Charybdis, a treacherous whirlpool, and Scylla, a horrid man-eating, cliff-dwelling monster. Ever since, saying one is stuck between a rock (the cliff) and a hard place (the whirlpool) has been a way to succinctly describe being in a dilemma. (source)

There is a simple strategy that I often use, both for myself and when working with students, that seems to help when I/they are stuck ‘between a rock and a hard place’. The strategy is to find a 3rd choice. The interesting thing is that the 3rd choice doesn’t have to be great, it can be worse than the other two, but it does something tricky to your brain. When you have to choose between two tough choices, you can think of it as a scale, and you weigh things on either side. The problem is that you think of one side and add weight, then you think of the other side and you add weight there too. Your brian does this indecision dance between the two tough choices, never really allowing you to pick one over the other.

Sometimes, by seeking out a 3rd option, you can discover something you would not have thought of when putting yourself in a dichotomy. However, if you are truly stuck between a rock and a hard place, you probably don’t have a good 3rd option and so the 3rd option is often even worse.

When you add a 3rd (undesired) choice, you can no longer look at the problem as if it is on a scale. The extra option becomes a comparison point for the other two choices. So what your brain does is that it weighs your original two options against the new option, instead of against each other. When this happens, one of those options will often seem better than the other, in a way that comparing just the two on their own didn’t.

When dealing with students, this also helps give them an ‘out’. Often a student is choosing between doing the right thing which is uncomfortable, or accepting a consequence. In this situation, it might seem logical for a kid to make the ‘good’ choice. However, an oppositional student, or a student that is embarrassed, might actually choose the more painful choice. It’s not like they are actually choosing it, they are choosing not to do the thing you want them to do as an act of defiance. A third choice takes away the oppositional response. Now they have to weigh three things, and the better choice looks significantly better than the other two.

So the next time you are stuck between a rock and a hard place, you can torture yourself with a tough and unclear decision, you can avoid the problem altogether (knowing full well that it won’t go away), or you can come up with a 3rd choice to help you decide… it’s up to you!

Holiday in a cup

I just read an article: Vacations won’t help your burnout, which states: “…‪many of us stress out at work as we prepare to take a vacation, only to face a pile of things to do when we return. What’s better? Carving out small slices of relaxation every day.‬”

This reminds me of a conversation I had with a customer, when I worked as a manager.

I was working at a tiny Starbucks on Denman, not far from Davie Street, across from ‘The beaches”, in downtown Vancouver. Two doors down was a shoe repair shop. The cobbler worked 6 days a week, and he came in for a triple-tall latte, 2 times a day.

One day we were chatting about vacations and I said something like, “I’m not trying to lose you as a customer, but do you realize that if you didn’t have your 2 coffees a day, you could have a pretty amazing holiday with your wife and kids each year, for the cost of those coffees?”

He took a sip, held up his personal Starbucks logo mug he always used, and said pointing to the cup, “Dave, this is a holiday in a cup, and I get it twice a day!”

How do you, or can you, create your own daily ‘holiday in a cup’?