In a conversation with a friend today we were talking about healing and therapy. We came to the conclusion that if therapy prescribes a specific outcome then it’s probably unhealthy and unsustainable. But if it empowers you with more choice, and if it provides you with new and better choices, and better still, if it creates the conditions that make it easier for you to choose better choices… well then that’s good therapy.
Empowered choice is where healing really begins.
I spent 5 weeks taking pain killers that clouded my mind. Now I’m on the mend, and I’ve only been taking the meds at night since last Saturday. I have had a few conversations in the past couple days that lasted more than a couple minutes and I could actually stick with the conversation.
I look back at those fully medicated weeks and realize I barely remember them. What I do remember is feeling slowly better. Feeling gradually less pain. But it wasn’t fun making the choice between pain and a cloudy mind.
Now I can write without many edits. I don’t get lost for words. I remember the point I’m trying to make. It feels good. I’m not 100% yet, but I’m feeling so much better, so much clearer.
My goal now is not to push too hard. To continue to heal, and to get completely off the meds. The hardest part is not rushing, not doing too much. A younger me would have struggled with the slow pace, and probably headed straight into a setback, then started suffering all over again. I can’t guarantee that won’t happen, but I can do my part by taking things slow.
A younger, dumber me would probably still be trying to muscle through the pain. I guess clarity comes with age.
I’ve spent most of the last few weeks in an altered state. My herniated disc is almost always on my mind. The meds have numbed most of the pain, but I’m often feeling like my head is not screwed on tight enough. The description I use is ‘loopy’ which I describe as somewhere between mildly drunk and mildly high. The challenge is that I don’t really enjoy this state, and I find it hard to concentrate. It’s not a feeling I enjoy.
Even writing my Daily Ink has been challenging with me often putting these short posts away for a while and coming back to them. I end up doing a lot of edits… like making this new thought into a new paragraph and breaking a stream of consciousness run-on sentence up in the previous paragraph. I also used a wrong word (probably a typo) and I’m struggling to make sense of what I actually wanted to say… the sentence no longer having any meaning for me.
At least I’m no longer adding to the altered state with (legal in BC, Canada) marijuana gummies , which I was supplementing my pain meds with to manage my pain between pills. As much as I don’t enjoy the loopy feeling now, I enjoyed it less when I had to numb myself to doldrums of constant pain.
New meds that I started Friday night are leaving me with windows of clarity I haven’t had for a while, but also reintroduce new levels of ache and discomfort (verging on pain) that I thought I was free of on the more loopy medication.
Overall… I think I’m on the mend, but I am not there yet. I’m now dealing with feelings I know I should let go of, but struggle with. Feeling that I should start catching up on work, feelings that I will be in recovery for a very long time. Feelings that I’m wasting away life in a loopy altered state. I’m on the mend, I’m in the mend, I’m on the mend… that is what I need to focus on, loopy altered state or not.
Today is orange shirt day.
4 years ago I shared this 3 minute and 43 second video on Facebook:
I’m thankful for TJ, teaching me and allowing me to share his story. I’m thankful to Inquiry Hub student Madison for sharing her ‘Every Child Matters’ artwork with our school and community.
I am thankful that as more Truths come out about Residential Schools, the stories have inspired us to recognize that there are two parts of Truth and Reconciliation… there is the truth of what happened, and the reconciliation that is beginning to happen.
It would be easy to see Truth and Reconciliation Day as just another holiday from school, It’s harder to understand why it matters. Harder to see that reconciliation work is something to foster beyond the day off from school, and well into the future of our communities and our country.
Every child matters. Wear orange today and share your support.
I have a sticky note on my computer monitor at school that says,
“Hurt people hurt people.
Healed people heal people.”
As a principal, I think it’s important to remember that those who harm others have themselves often been harmed. This helps me focus on resolution and restoration rather than retribution.
It’s harder to remember this with adults who harm, adults who have been hurt, and leave a path of hurt in their trail. I remember years ago, when I was a middle school teacher, dealing with a hurt parent. In a meeting, this parent used language in front of their kid like, ‘he’s useless’, and ‘I’ve given up trying’. The student sat motionless, staring blindly ahead, trying to keep the tears away. Nothing I said about his endearing qualities changed his empty look any more than his parent’s insults.
Hurt people hurt people.
It has been my observation that hurt people seek out other hurt people. They do so to continue the hurt, or to try to heal the the hurt they see. However those who are hurt and want to help lack the resilience to cope, and they lack the strategies to heal. Good intentions are devoured by ineffective strategies.
Healed people heal people.
I think people need to heal themselves before they try to heal others. This is easy to see in situations such as alcoholism. We know a recovering alcoholic can do far more to help an alcoholic quit than another alcoholic can. It’s much harder to see with someone who feels like a victim trying to help someone else who was victimized, or with someone who is dealing with mental health issues trying to help someone else struggling with mental health.
The people who are struggling and seeking to help are not healed themselves, but believe they can help others when they should be helping themselves first. Their intentions are good. They want to help, but when they can’t cope with their own hurt, it’s hard to honestly help with others.
“Hurt people hurt people.
Healed people heal people.”
In some ways we are all on journeys of healing. And many of us want to help others heal too. It’s just important for us to work on our own healing before trying to heal others.
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Related: Hidden Pain on my Pair-a-Dimes blog.
