I’ve spent most of the last few weeks in an altered state. My herniated disc is almost always on my mind. The meds have numbed most of the pain, but I’m often feeling like my head is not screwed on tight enough. The description I use is ‘loopy’ which I describe as somewhere between mildly drunk and mildly high. The challenge is that I don’t really enjoy this state, and I find it hard to concentrate. It’s not a feeling I enjoy.
Even writing my Daily Ink has been challenging with me often putting these short posts away for a while and coming back to them. I end up doing a lot of edits… like making this new thought into a new paragraph and breaking a stream of consciousness run-on sentence up in the previous paragraph. I also used a wrong word (probably a typo) and I’m struggling to make sense of what I actually wanted to say… the sentence no longer having any meaning for me.
At least I’m no longer adding to the altered state with (legal in BC, Canada) marijuana gummies , which I was supplementing my pain meds with to manage my pain between pills. As much as I don’t enjoy the loopy feeling now, I enjoyed it less when I had to numb myself to doldrums of constant pain.
New meds that I started Friday night are leaving me with windows of clarity I haven’t had for a while, but also reintroduce new levels of ache and discomfort (verging on pain) that I thought I was free of on the more loopy medication.
Overall… I think I’m on the mend, but I am not there yet. I’m now dealing with feelings I know I should let go of, but struggle with. Feeling that I should start catching up on work, feelings that I will be in recovery for a very long time. Feelings that I’m wasting away life in a loopy altered state. I’m on the mend, I’m in the mend, I’m on the mend… that is what I need to focus on, loopy altered state or not.
