Tag Archives: friendship

Appreciating true friends

I’ve had a couple really enriching conversations with two really good friends recently. They have made me contemplate the value of a true friend.

You can share who you are in full confidence. You can listen and connect in ways that are far beyond the banter of story for story or ‘that reminds me of’ conversations which are more on the surface.

You walk away feeling you know them, and yourself, better.

You know time in between visits won’t reduce the connection, but you also don’t want too long to go by before you connect again.

There is nothing quite like time spent with a true friend.

The great disconnect

I call it the best book I never read. It’s called Bowling Alone and the premise is that we used to have communities that tied us together, church groups, book clubs, and bowling leagues, but now we don’t participate in these communities so everyone bowls alone. This is a fascinating idea, it seems very relevant, but the book itself reads like a boring textbook and I put it down once I got the premise.

I think this is why dating apps have done so well. If you are young and single, and don’t meet someone you are interested in at work or school, you are essentially bowling alone.

But I think the disconnect goes beyond dating and meeting a partner. I think there are too few opportunities beyond the work week to feel connected to friends. Connecting isn’t usual, it’s reserved for special events. Remember in the pre-cellphone era when people would quite literally ‘drop by’ because they were in the neighbourhood? When is the last time that happened?

Now, meeting for coffee is something planned a week in advance. A dinner? Let me check my calendar… How’s the 15th sound, does that work for you? No? Ok, the 22nd then?

It’s interesting that while technology has in many ways brought us together, we’ve slowly moved apart. I live far away from my family, and many of my friends. I don’t pick up my phone and call them nearly enough. I plan opportunities to connect far in advance. I don’t bowl, and yet I bowl alone.

How can I add value?

I have a friend who asks this question a lot. When we connect, if there is ever anything to be done together that’s the question he asks, “How can I add value?”

It’s simple and direct… I’m here to help, and happy to add some value to what is being done.

When I taught leadership to students, sometimes I came across a kid who was like that. They didn’t really see themselves as leaders, but they were. They were not necessarily the kids who wanted to run the show, but they were the ones who arrived to an event early, they stayed late to clean up, and if they saw someone working on something like stacking chairs or creating a poster, they went to help without being asked. They found places to add value.

People like this don’t always get the recognition they deserve… if you know someone like this, take the time to thank them, to appreciate them. It’s a special kind of person who doesn’t look for the attention or limelight, but is always there to help.

Opportunity not Obligation revisited

I wrote about the idea of offering people ‘Opportunities not Obligations‘ back in November 2019. I have used this a lot since then. It’s one of my favourite social hacks to allow a person to feel guilt free about turning down an opportunity. (Read the post to really understand what this is all about.)

I want to add something to this now, some advice to the person saying it… if you use this phrase and the person declines the opportunity, well then you need to let it go. You need to be authentically okay with the person not accepting the opportunity. Otherwise, your follow-up will undermine the good intentions of the phrase.

If you say, ‘Are you sure’ Or ‘that’s too bad’, or if you ask again, then you are making the thing you offered feel more like an obligation. You are making the person feel like you are disappointed or let down.

“This is an opportunity, not an obligation.”

When you use the phrase authentically, then it is freeing to both you, the asker, and your friend, the receiver. No apologies needed, no guilt. But if you aren’t authentic and you will be disappointed, then this isn’t a helpful phrase to use.

Sunny disposition

Maybe it’s from growing up in Barbados. Maybe it’s just human nature. When I wake up and know I’m going to see clear skies and a sunny day, my whole day ahead brightens.

No matter how much I want to be internally motivated, the outside world affects my mood. And so, while I can’t control the weather, I can control the people I choose to surround myself with… and I choose people who have a sunny disposition and/or people who bring the sunny disposition out of me.

There’s a reason why I call my kids ‘My Sunshines’. There’s a reason I call delightful students in my school Sunshine. It’s my nickname for people who brighten my day.

I hope you surround yourself with sunshine too… no matter what the weather.

Internal batteries

You are really excited. A friend you haven’t seen in years is coming into town, and you can’t wait to connect. Three hours before the visit you get a phone call, your friend is very apologetic, but can’t make it today. A future date is set, but the gas is gone from your talk and you feel sad, even defeated, for the rest of the day.

—

You are upset. You just had an disagreement with a friend. You are stuck in your head, wondering how the conversation could have been better, but you aren’t thinking clearly. Anger, upset, and disappointment drain you. Then the friend calls. You suddenly feel better, you realize your faults in the earlier exchange and start to apologize, but you are interrupted by an apology offered by your friend. The conversation ends and you feel great, your tank is full and you are full of energy.

—

In neither of these cases did you add more energy into the system, you didn’t eat, you didn’t increase your heart rate and tap another energy system stored in your body. No, you just changed your perspective … or rather you had it changed for you.

Maybe sometimes we should spend a bit of thought, time, and energy changing our own perspective.

This time of year people get gifts where ‘Batteries aren’t included’, but your batteries are always there, and you’ve got the means to charge them anytime. And even if you feel you can’t, you probably know someone that can help. It doesn’t matter where the charge comes from, what matters is knowing that the battery tanks are there, and they can be filled at any time.

“It’s not what happens, it’s what you do that makes the difference.”

Sometimes all you need to do is change your perspective.

🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! May these times bring you a much needed battery charge… enjoy the time with your family.

Where we left off

I met up with a buddy for the first time since early summer 2020. Our lives are taking us down very different paths, but we both appreciate connecting, sharing, and spending time together.

There’s no pretence, no catching up, just a chance to spend time doing things we enjoy together. That included a few meals, a couple workouts, and some UFC pay per view. Building new memories, not just rehashing old ones. There’s nothing wrong with remembering the good old days, we did a bit of that too, but when you connect with a good friend, it isn’t just about reminiscing. What we do is we just continue on where we left off, and add more value to the relationship, not just maintaining what we had.

Outside of my friends who are also colleagues in my school district, this is the first connection I’ve made with a friend since I was in Toronto last summer, and saw a good friend there. This pandemic has really left gaps between visits with friends, and it’s nice to know the friendships can keep going, when we finally reconnect… we just continue on from where we last left off.

Read Fiction

It was probably the January semester, 1989 that I took a Rural Extension course on Leadership, at the University of Guelph, when I met Professor Al Laozon. He was my first prof to have us call him by his first name. The first prof to have us sit in a circle, despite there being about 24-26 of us in the class. He listened as much as he talked. And he quickly became a friend.

Al had us read The Tao of Leadership, which to this day is still one of my favourite books, and one that I call my ‘Leadership Bible’.

And while his class was one of my more memorable courses at university, it was his office hours chats that I most enjoy and remember. They were filled with insights and wisdom, but also with the things friends talk about, like our childhoods and stories of family members.

Yesterday I wrote a post about my struggles with going through the motions of my healthy living routines with low energy and effort. It helps me to share these things ‘out loud’ and I was able to push my workout harder than I have in weeks as a result. But another benefit of sharing is getting insights from readers, and Al was kind enough to share a comment. With respect to mediation I said,

“I’ve missed more meditations in the last 6 weeks than I’ve missed for the rest of the year. When I do meditate, it’s more like I am am having a quiet moment to think about random things. I can’t seem to focus on my breath any more than I could when I started my daily meditation routine almost 3 years ago.”

And to this Al said,

“Our routines, like life in general, ebbs and flows of its own accord. Be patient. I have had a meditation practise since 1991 and some days are good and other days, well the monkeys are running amok in the “store” despite my desire for them to quiet themselves. Somedays you just go with it.“

I also said, about listening to audiobooks,

“I’m an avid audio book listener, and I usually get through almost a book a week unless I am reading something that’s really long, then it could be two weeks. But I just took three weeks to listen to a 5-hour long book, and didn’t feel I got as much out of it as I had hoped.” And later added, “I’ll start a fictional novel even though I usually wait for the holidays to choose a book that I’m not learning from.”

To which Al commented,

“As for reading fiction, there is much to be learned from fiction. As I have often said, novelists often have more insight into humans and their behaviour than do the best of social scientists. Do not deprive yourself of that which can offer insight, nor dismiss it as simple entertainment or distraction. The arts offer much in terms of insights into our collective journey. After all, there is no greater means of learning than a good story, be it true or fabrication. I recently wrote elsewhere that science offers us knowledge, but the arts offer us truth. I will take truth any day over knowledge.”

All these years later, and miles apart, but Al is still my teacher, advisor, and wise friend, sharing insights I need to hear.

Usually I only ‘let myself’ read fiction on holiday breaks. But I’ve been drawn a lot more to fiction in the last couple years. It started a couple Christmas breaks ago when I received some free ebooks from Audible and I listened to a science fiction novel and got hooked into an epic series. Then I listened to a couple books that I never would have selected for myself, just because they were free… and I loved them. But reading fiction outside the holidays always came with a little self-imposed guilt.

Not anymore. Al’s words have given me permission to indulge guilt free. I will choose more fiction. Let me know if you have a favourite you’d like to share.

“Science offers us knowledge, but the arts offer us truth. I will take truth any day over knowledge.” ~ Al Lauzon

The Crunch

My buddy Dave and I have a goal to get together every week of the school year and do The Coquitlam Crunch, a 5k round trip up and down the south-facing side of the lower Westwood Plateau. We first did this starting in late January and in August we decided to commit to missing a maximum of 4 weeks the whole school year. We’ve only missed one so far.

Usually we go after school on a Friday, and the last few have been in the dark, because we can’t get there early enough when the days get dark so fast. However, I couldn’t go Friday, and so we went at 8am this morning. According to the thermometer in my car, it was just 2 degrees Celsius when we started, but when you start your walk going up, it doesn’t take long to get warm.

These walks have been one of the things that have helped me get through the last year. Beyond my immediate family, I can count the number of social events I have done during work weeks this year on one or maybe two hands. It has been an isolating experience, and except for another connection through my archery, nothing social is regularly scheduled.

On these walks Dave and I might ‘talk shop’ for a little bit, but then the conversations can go anywhere… and they usually do. Good conversations, good exercise, fresh air, and quality time that has strengthened an already amazing friendship… The Crunch has become a bonding experience and a tradition that probably never would have happened had covid-19 not limited our ability to be social.

Kids and sports

I don’t know Trevlyn, but she wrote this on Facebook, I re-shared it 4 years ago, and it came up as a FB memory yesterday.

“One of my friends asked “Why do you pay so much money for your kids to do all their sports”? Well I have a confession to make; I don’t pay for my kids to to do sports. Personally, I couldn’t care less about what sport they do.

So, if I am not paying for sports what am I paying for?

– I pay for those moments when my kids become so tired they want to quit but don’t.

– I pay for those days when my kids come home from school and are “too tired” to go to their training but they go anyway.

– I pay for my kids to learn to be disciplined, focused and dedicated.

– I pay for my kids to learn to take care of their body and equipment.

– I pay for my kids to learn to work with others and to be good team mates, gracious in defeat and humble in success.

– I pay for my kids to learn to deal with disappointment, when they don’t get that placing or title they’d hoped for, but still they go back week after week giving it their best shot.

– I pay for my kids to learn to make and accomplish goals.

– I pay for my kids to respect, not only themselves, but other riders, officials and coaches.

– I pay for my kids to learn that it takes hours and hours, years and years of hard work and practice to create a champion and that success does not happen overnight.

– I pay for my kids to be proud of small achievements, and to work towards long term goals.

– I pay for the opportunity my kids have and will have to make life-long friendships, create lifelong memories, to be as proud of their achievements as I am.

– I pay so that my kids can be out on the track instead of in front of a screen…

…I could go on but, to be short, I don’t pay for sports; I pay for the opportunities that sports provides my kids with to develop attributes that will serve them well throughout their lives and give them the opportunity to bless the lives of others. From what I have seen so far I think it is a great investment!” – By Trevlyn Mayo Palframan

As a former coach this really speaks to me. As a parent, I can say that this applies equally to sport as to dance and theatre when it comes to competition, tryouts, and your kid not getting the part they want and still performing at their best.

Putting kids into activities they love is so valuable. So too is them trying a sport and not liking it, but committing to the team anyway. One of my daughters started a sport and a few months in she realized she wasn’t enjoying it. We told her that her team needed her and that she had to finish the season. She kept a positive attitude and gave her best at practices and games. I was as proud of that as I have been of trophies and awards. And she knew in the end that it was the right thing to do.

Sports aren’t just about learning skills in that sport, they are also about learning life skills, and creating memories and friendships that can last a lifetime.